Saturday, September 12, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Just when you think that you have anything figured out, that's just really not the case.

I have a few desires in my life right now. One of the foremost ones being that I had a place to call home. Bless my aunt for letting me stay here but this is not my home, my parents place hasn't been my home since I started college and started out to find myself, and I had to leave the place I felt most comfortable just a few short months ago. Since then I guess you could say I've been searching for a place to call my own. I really want a place of my own again, a place to make my home....the only two problems are finances....and well finding someone willing to live with me in a place I'd love to live. Which currently is Denver. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I get a little too bored here. Life is too "stiff" for where I'm at in my life.

My second is to have friends that are close to me. It's hard not having friends in close access to me and having to search out people to hang out with. Especially being stuck in a cookie-cutter sort of life during work, I need stimulation in the form of a social life and unfortunately I don't get as much as I want or need when friends are all over the place.

I used to be just fine being by myself. But given everything, I find that alone time is not my friend. As a matter of fact, if I'm left alone for too long I get anxious. And I think it's because there are no certainties, no regularities and no one stable in my life I just naturally freak out and that freaking out really manifests when I'm by myself long enough for it to rear it's stupid head.

I just know that I need a certain amount of regularity back in my life, but regularity that involves people my age and something that I'm passionate about. I've found that's what I'm missing currently. People in the working world are hardly passionate. They have a passion sometimes for their jobs, but it's also in a very uniform manner. I want people who are passionate and it expresses itself wildly. So maybe I'm saying I need some wildness in my life?!?! I dunno actually.

All I know is working in the teaching field currently as a substitute para, I find myself highly unstimulated. Everything is PC and everyone dresses exactly the same. They all talk about teaching, a lot of the women I interact with are more what I would term hoity-toity in their mannerisms and how they interact in a very guarded manner. I crave the laid-back accepting atmosphere of college and fort collins. The accepting and adventurous spirit. I've gotten some odd looks from the bright colored shirts that I wear....and they haven't even seen my bright yellow capri shorts!!! Really?! I wonder what they will say when I walk in next week with purple skinny jeans and a black plaid flannel's going to be very interesting to see what they say and do!!! But it just goes to show that I'm not in a normal environment for myself. In my world, what I'm used to, I'm used to being able to express myself in whatever way I see fit and talking about controversial issues. Not constantly talking about how hard it is to be a working mom and Johnny's problems with playing with the blocks. Just not my thing currently.

Just goes to show I'm not ready to settle myself down quite yet.

But to start with I would really just like a home. A place that has my furniture, I can come and go as I please, a place that's completely comfortable for me, and a place to make my own. Hopefully sometime soon?!?! I think it would help me with my anxiety greatly.

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