Give me a social dialogue and any person can see and hear my desires. Whether it be personally, spiritually, or professionally. My eyes are the open passage to my soul, my hands become my supportive instruments as they wave back and forth, and my tongue becomes a spoken instrument that leaves little doubt. My vocabulary is limited but my tone is vivid and alive. It's playful, passionate and intense.
Conveying that all through written word is a weakness of mine. Either that or I feel it is. Accuracy is hard when all it boils down to is the written unspoken raw words that one can interpret however they want to and choose to read them in their own head. And so the pressure is on. The pressure is on right now to convince a few simple people sitting in the offices at CU-Denver's School of Nursing that they should pick ME to enter their nursing program.
Somehow, through all the pressure and anxiety, I find it invigorating that largely all of this comes down to me. I am in charge of my own destiny. I never knew what that meant up until this summer. Ok, I take that back. I can only go so far as to completely put myself out there and make the first step. Largely others will also be in charge of my destiny with how they choose to go about my decisions to put myself out there. But it all starts with me, it starts with what I choose to go for, how I choose to go for it, and how passionately and thoroughly I choose to pursue those avenues. It's still invigorating, and still slightly scary.
Last night, I went to the park to play frisbee with Eric. While waiting for him, I decided to sit down and swing for a few minutes to pass the time. Swinging was one of my favorite parts of recess when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I found it a sort of escape. In high school when my parents and I would fight, I'd find myself wandering to the park down to the swings to "fly", to momentarily escape my problems and to talk to God. There is something uniquely freeing about getting that swing as high as it can go and then laying your head back, closing your eyes, and letting your body fly back and forth through the air. It's calming.
Well last night I had a visitor. A little girl came up to me and asked to swing with me. Her parents were about 100 yards away talking to friends and though I constantly worry about parents thinking my intentions are wrong, I let this talkative 3-year-old talk to me as I pushed her on the swings. Her name was Tavin. She talked about going to a princess school, told me the names of her parents and three dogs, and asked my name. I'm still amazed at how easily I can talk to those who keep life simple, who have no problem with putting everything out on the line (though she doesn't know that). I also found it comforting knowing that again, there's something about me that makes others around me comfortable enough to usually approach me, talk to me, and open up. Even little kids. The amount of little kids that befriend me at zoos, parks, and ask me (a perfect stranger) questions and carry conversations with me is comforting in some aspect. It lets me know that I have some sort of special gift to relate to others on some parallel that I'm still trying to figure out.
Eric is one matter I find myself anxious with on one hand though. I find it so easy to be around him. I find it so easy to let myself stare directly into his warm eyes and let my heart just flow. It's easy to laugh and play. But that's what makes it hard. I let myself fall in love with him. And who am I possibly kidding, I'm still in love with him. Which is where I struggle so hard right now. Especially at this point in my life, I want to put myself out there, to let him know exactly how I feel, and let him decide. But at the same time, not everyone can handle that. Can he handle that?! And it's not possible for me to guard my heart enough for the reprocussions of putting myself out there if it's rejected. My guard is mainly down around him. Which is how I like it.
I want to tell him so much: about how I feel, about my desires, what I want, what I'm capable of, what I can be for him. But really it all comes down to he's the first guy I've let myself fall in love with.
So more than anything I just want him to be happy. I want him to go about life at his own pace, by his own decisions, and I want him to be happy more than anything. Even if that doesn't include me by his side holding his hand. It's hard to say that. For the first time since he broke up with me, I'm letting tears semi-freely flow down my cheek as it's slowly becoming reality that this might in deed be the case. But at the same time, it's so easy for me to support those that I care about in their decisions that all I want to do right now is to cup his face in my hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him to follow his heart and do what brings happiness to his life.....and through it all he'll have support and at the least friendship in me.
I'm a woman. So of course, there is a thread of hope down in me that secretly hopes and desires that the special woman in his life would be me.
This is what I know: we share something special. Whether it be a deep friendship or whether down the road something will blossom between us. There's something in his eyes I see when we spend time together. I'm not sure what it is. But I also know he's hesitant, he's searching, and I think he's a little fearful.
For now, I sit, wait to find out whether life brings friendship or friendship/romance our way, and support him in any way I can. Only God knows. And for now, I have to be ok with not knowing. There is a peace in my heart that everything will work out exactly as it's supposed to, but it doesn't calm my heart enough to take away the stings of pain that I feel here and there. It's hard, but God didn't say life would be easy all the time, just completely worth it all.
Back to my nursing app and trying to portay passion in written words I go.