Thursday, July 30, 2009

Just A Bit Along

When it comes to the topic of life, it's all up in the air right now. Everything is. My whole life is undecided and unknown, everything is a perpetual transition state. Nothing feels completely right or comfortable, my whole life feels a tad bit foreign to myself.

But that's how this point in my life is supposed to be so I take every day in strife, knowing that I'm not supposed to have any answers right now.

When it comes to guys, I yearn for companionship.....but at the same time I know I'm just fine on my own. Eric and I still have not talked, I don't understand what happened. It hurts, I still love him and don't want to be with anybody else. In all honesty, I still want him. But I can't help but think God maybe knows what he's doing. Eric and I are maintaining a good friendship. We haven't seen each other in person yet since everything happened, but we had a very decent conversation yesterday, and I know I will see him soon in the future. I still enjoy time with him. It might be a little bit out of the normal compared to how I'm used to being around him, but we're both adult enough to know it's possible. And I like that. And I can't help but think he enjoys my company. I just think he's also at a place in his life where he's not sure what he wants.

Employment is still that unobtainable goal. But it's not a permanent one. My jobs as a substitute paraprofessional and substitute teacher will soon start within the school district. I know it's not a long-term job in terms of it's not what I want to do with my life but I think the flexible job is great for me, not to mention it's an absolutely great learning and life experience. God opened this avenue for me for a reason. I am also going to start looking to be hired on with other school districts other than Brighton. I think moving out of this place will once again prove to be an essential for my happiness.

Right now I'm living with my aunt. It's what's the best for me, mentally and emotionally. My parents don't have the time, emotional strength nor are at a point in their lives where they can deal with the constant unknown that is my life. I've also found our lives are meant to be lived differently and apart. Right now our relationship is not great. That's an understatement. I hope one day in the future it won't continue to be this way but for now, we are at such different points in our lives, under different stress, that we can't relate. I don't think they can really see what my motives are and what's best for me. Right now they can't understand what I'm going for me, I am at a place where I can try to find answers for my life. Right now, I need to be selfish and find my direction for my life. And I need to try to be of the least amount of stress and burden to them. They have enough of that in their life that they don't need to be worrying about me. They need to focus on getting their own situation figured out, and not have my troubles, worries and problems within their knowledge. It only stresses them out more.

I hope to be living in the middle of downtown Denver. Another reason I will be looking at other school districts. I can move where I want to with my sub teaching license. Once I have it, I hope to start also working in the Denver school district. If I can get hired on at Cherry Creek (yes it's a stretch) and can find a roommate to share a one-bedroom, I can completely afford living down there AND save up money for nursing school :)

I got a call from a recruiter at University yesterday.....he basically told me that when a position comes available for a CNA position to give him a call and he will get me a first-round interview. Because I am so open to working full-time, whether it be day/night/rotating and can work weekends then my availability is pretty wide open for that sort of thing. Until then, my subbing can hold me over. And when I do get a job, whatever days I don't work I can still fill up with subbing positions as I determine my own schedule basically. It works very well for someone like me who needs flexibility as well as an income.

Downtown Denver is really where I want to be. Living with my aunt is better for my soul for right now than living at home, but it's a pure stepping stone to where I want to be. I want to be in the middle of it all, in Denver, making my way. Not to mention, Denver is where I want to be working and going to nursing school. It makes sense to me to be down there. And I just think it's where I need to be right now. It's just a matter of getting there.

Life has been complicated and hard....but I've had some amazing friends help me out emotionally recently. I couldn't be doing this without them. They all have the utmost faith that I am going to make it, that I can do what I want. They believe in me and love me and support me and encourage me.....and also tell me when I'm being a dumbass. I love them. I can't imagine where I would be right now without my friends. It just amazes me over and over how great of friends I have :) God blessed me SO much when he put them in my life.

The big 2-2 is right around the corner. AHHHH!!!! Not really but I never thought I'd be an adult. Adulthood is scary, but I'm liking knowing I'm starting to make my own way in this life and creating my own life. It's invigorating :)

Just a little bit farther along than I was yesterday with a majestic unknown road in front of me. A little bit nervous but also faithful knowing God is right there behind me the whole way. Here we go Lord, please just make sure I don't get too lost along the way, I do need Your help.

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