Wednesday, July 22, 2009


I live my life by my heart, but also on thrill. I seem to usually amp up the adrenaline rushes especially when my heart is hurting. Today my adrenaline rush was getting my nose pierced. I love it :) Adds a little character to me that wasn't there before!!

Lately I've surrounded myself with very encouraging and supporting friends and family. I love being around my nephew. He makes life so meaningful and fun and always provides a hearty laugh and a great dose of honest reality!!

Dreaming. I've been doing a lot of it lately. What are my goals in life? How am I going to get there? Who is going to be coming on that journey with me? Who will come, and who will go? What places will I see? What will I accomplish? All have been heavily on my mind. I guess it's not hard when you're starting from scratch. But it also leaves me feeling a little lost. A little directionless. This is where I trust God, and trust His hand on my heart to lead me.

So why is it always leading me to a path that I don't understand? Only time and God will tell.

Until then, time with the girls is a much-needed entity for my heart. They are the only ones who understand it during these times.

Cheers to two besties who will be there no matter what. I love them. Here's to you Gwennie and Britt, to the two ladies who hold very dear parts of my soul. Bottoms up!

Eric....I miss him already. Boys: when will I learn?! Is it bad to admit that I felt there was something very special about him?! Getting my heart broken hurts a ton more than I thought it would. Is it also bad to admit that I selfishly want him back in my heart?! Why do girls always hold onto hope, even the smallest amounts: hoping that maybe this is all just a sense of confusion in him?! And why do we always blame ourselves?! I keep wondering what I did wrong. I just wish he would talk to me and let me know what's going on and why. There hasn't been any explanation yet. Any sense of whether we are dating or broken up. Confused. Very confused. Hurt. very hurt.

One wish: that he would have gotten to know me better. If he would have given me a chance to really get to know me, be around me in places and situations I was completely comfortable, I think he'd change his mind. He saw a lot more of that on thursday than any other time. What happened?! Two months is not enough time to get to know me well enough to know whether things would work with me or not. I blossom slowly, always have. Just want a chance and not a door slammed shut.

Maybe it's him?! Maybe he's not ready for a relationship?! Maybe he just wasn't ready for what I have to offer him?! I honestly think he's afraid of letting people too close for fear of getting hurt again. That was always in his eyes. Maybe I was getting too close?! Like I said, I don't know. All questions unanswered.

Looking towards the future, looking at the past.....wondering where do I go from here?!

No comments: