Saturday, July 04, 2009

Pretty Baby My Feelings Show

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
And I want you to know
My feelings show

I want you to know

What I'm trying to say is that
I'm feeling a change and
I'll let it take all over
If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
But I don't want to lose you
[Feelings Show - Colbie Caillat]

I had a revelation last night.

I got to see Eric after five days apart, and it was absolutely incredible getting to hug him again, get those soft sweet passionate kisses and hang out with someone who is very quickly becoming one of my best friends.

We have so much to get to know about each other, there is no question about that. We are in the very beginning stages of our relationship, which on one hand is the easiest part but also the hardest part of a relationship. It's exciting and new and fun getting to know someone, especially getting to know them so intimately. But it's also hard allowing someone to get to know me so personally, in such a vulnerable manner. But I am loving it.

My revelation last night was after I made a comment about a couple of our friends who have recently started dating, not something we would have expected. I made the comment that it is crazy but at the same time they are at the very beginning of their relationship so we'll have to see.....but then I remembered that Eric and I are in the very beginning of our relationship as well so again we'll just have to see. At first, all I could think is that holy cow, Eric has a lot to get to know about me yet.....and once he gets to know all that, will he still like me?! My gut feeling is yes. He's not going to like every part of me. I will annoy him in some manner or another eventually, but as a whole I believe he will still like me. But he still has a lot of room to decide this relationship isn't for him.

Which sort of freaked me out.....I am falling in love. I can't help it, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I've protected my heart in some manner though so that if in the end things don't work out, I have a small cushion for my heart to rest on. But the vulnerability it puts me at is a record sky-high. But I love it. It's sort of an adrenaline rush for my heart. A VERY dangerous one but a good one nonetheless.

But I realized how much I have enjoyed our relationship going slow and things being so incredibly unknown. All of my previous relationships the guys feelings for me were so rushed, and in a very pushy manner. I look back and realize I never fell in love with them, only loved them, but even that feeling was quickly expected. I pretty much made myself love in order to receive their love in return without fear of verbal retribution.

Even though I have already started falling in love with Eric I enjoy how slow things are progressing. I don't expect Eric to fall in love with me right now, as soon as I have. I don't want him to love me until his own heart is ready to do so and he chooses it. And I think that was my revelation last night. That despite my vulnerability and how slow things are progressing in some ways, I am reveling in them. For it's because of the way things are happening that when/if Eric does fall in love with me, it's out of his choosing and it's real. That to me has to be the most exciting part. Because if this works out and he falls in love with me as I am with him, it will be the first time I've been in love with someone and them in love with me. What an exciting thought!!

I also enjoy knowing that when things are rushed, the results normally don't last too long. But slow and steady wins the race. I enjoy knowing that if things do work out between us on a long-term level that the blessing of what's in store is amazing and that my huge vulnerability right now is for a beautiful reason.

Even if things don't work out, in a very twisted sense, I enjoy my vulnerability to Eric right now. It's the most open I have been to someone in this way before. It has allowed me to know I'm alive, that despite the fear of pain that could ensue, that in this moment I am living fully, loving fully and taking my life by the reins and living it.

"We can only be said to be alive when our hearts are conscious of its treasures."

Right now Eric is one of those treasures and that makes it all worth it.

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