New(est) Job

Well I got yet another job!!

This one, however, will be full-time and includes benefits! It doesn't have the biggest starting base pay but I got the job through some networking!! So basically I got hired in a hospital (finally!) without having any hospital experience...thanks to networking...which seems to really be the only way anyone can gets jobs anymore.

I'm pretty excited. I will be a Healthcare Technician in the CCMF department (Correction Care Medical Facility Department). Which yes, is the unit that houses prisoners from the jail! I will be trained mostly as a clerk but since I have my CNA & Phlebotomy licensures I will also rotate around as a healthcare technician when they need help on the floor or an extra set of hands. So basically I'll be wearing several different "caps" as far as my job goes.

I'm pretty excited! Not the unit I would see myself working in but it's going to be an adventure none-the-less :-) And it's a step in getting my foot in the door. Not to mention it's full-time (3x12hr shifts a week) and will include benefits...which will be nice to be able to go to the eye doctor and the dentist without paying full-price for their services...which is something I can't afford that thus have not been to the eye doctor or dentist in a year. It's also amazing how long I can make contacts last that should have only lasted me three months....

I'll be able to pay all my bills and work down this credit card debt I have acquired in the last year...which will be really nice. Thout I still can't afford to move out, it will help me to pay for a couple classes I need to take this summer and next fall.

SPEAKING of which...I got a rejection letter from Regis University...BUT their department called me and told me the logistics of why I didn't get in, said that I need to apply for the accelerated program that will start in January. They were actually going to offer me a spot in the accelerated program that starts in May (as in a month from now) but I have three prereq classes for their program I have to get done first....two religious study courses and a health ethics course. But they said I'm a great candidate and basically they want me! So it sounds like hopefully nursing school is a go in January :-)

I have faith the Lord will provide. It's all sorta crazy and I'm going to have to work really hard but I think that's what the Lord wants me to do anyway :-)

Trust

"I realize you have no other reason to trust me but a choice. It's up to you to decide. I'm broke, I'm wrecked, I can no longer maintain the pride or the arrogance. I lost you a long time ago. You're not someone to keep. You need to be free. Just a coincidence at circumstance and happenstance. Is it fate? or does it matter? You'll think what you think, trust at the brink and it all comes down to the choice. Silence."
[PH]

Last night was a crazy and emotional night for me. With my heart being so guarded, I have known for awhile that dating is just not an area I'm comfortable or ready for....not after the destruction of Britton. I am so guarded in so many ways. And I hate it on some levels, but it's so instinctual. And GOOD for me right now.

With that I asked PH, who has feelings for me, to not show up to where I would be last night, as I needed space and time with my friends. I literally needed that time, to be me, and let go of the week behind in which I had worked my whole week away, from morning until night. I needed to laugh and be free. Well it so happens that in the middle of The Evening Edition's set, I spotted them.

Of course I was pissed. My night, which had started off so wonderfully, came shattering down around me like a million pieces. I had gotten one of my besties to finally come out with us again after months of not really hanging out. The Evening Edition was up. A had a little alcohol for a buzz, and I was there for the moment. Until that one glimpse brought me shattering back to all guards being up and my "night of freedom" coming to a halt. Even Britt and Sheree saw in my eyes how pissed and hurt I was.

So I tried to still have a good night, keeping my distance and space, probably hurting PH, but really....what else could I do?! Throw a hissy and be completely pissed. Nope, stolen gulps of beer and laughing and inappropriate comments from the mouths of high school elite's past, I tried to salvage my night.

And then PH pulled me aside after all the bands' sets and handed me a napkin with the above on it and asked if I believed that him showing up for a night of live music was merely coincidental (meaning he didn't know that THIS bar was exactly where I'd be).

I don't know how to answer that. It's a huge coincidence....and one that if it really is a coincidence fell on the one night I told him I needed space. And there he was. And there he was all night, not even heading out to let me continue to have my night of space. I can trust him at his word, which I do on one hand. But on the other hand, the circumstances don't allow me to really trust the whole evening very well.

Especially with how it ended.

And with how it ended, I walked. I walked away, down the sidewalk, to my car in which my two best friends were waiting in. In which another drama unfolded, that (not) surprisingly enough, involved trust issues from someone else.

But is trust really a CHOICE for me right now?

I have come to realize since Britton, trusting men has become near impossible for me....especially men in any sort of romantic way. My walls are up, my guards are on duty. I'm not sure I can fully trust a man even if I wanted to. But is it really a choice for me right now? Or was that choice taken away when I was left with the scars from the destruction Britton laid upon my heart?

I'm not so sure right now trust is a choice for me at all, rather it's something I'm not sure I am capable of completely anymore.

Ironic....coming from the girl who trusted Britton so fully and willingly from the get-go. And has a nasty little habit of trusting people until she's hurt.

But have I finally learned my lesson, only to allow it to lead me to the other side of the spectrum?

I miss this part of my old self...the trusting part.

Damn you Britton.

I find mind dwelling on the image burned in my brain from last night....the drama, the emotional escapade that ensued, and me walking away....the image of the lampposts shedding dull light onto the sidewalk of the streets of Larimer as I concentrated on the cracks and wear-and-tear I could see. Imbedded in my mind is the image of walking away from so many things representing my past, my present, my future, my fears and my doubts....and I simply walked away. I couldn't handle them at that moment. So I do what I do best...I slip quietly into the darkness without another word.

When did I become the girl to run?! I can tell you when....when life's emotions and trials became a little too much for me to bear.

But will I always be the girl walking away out of fear, anger, resentment, frustration, emotional threshold?! Or will I learn to overcome that and stand up to it face to face?!

Is trusting others really a choice right now?! Deep in my heart, unfortunately and heartbreakingly, I know the answer is no, I cannot trust most people right now....

And it makes me cry that my life has left me in this spot....that my heart is this hurt and broken that I realize this about myself....

Song of Songs

Yesterday I was substitute teaching science for my former FCA teacher at the high school...and it's one of my favorite classrooms to come back to. For one, I love Sando. I've always looked up to him and respected him. On top of that, I really enjoy high schoolers, and the more "grown-up" atmosphere of the students as opposed to young kids (though I enjoy the laughs and optimism that comes with working with grade-schoolers). But what I also enjoy, is getting to be in a classroom where I have the freedom to read my bible, and see the mountains through the bay windows, and play Christian music quietly on the speakers on the computer. It't quite enjoyable and uplifting to me.

So yesterday, while the students were working on their worksheets, with Casting Crowns streaming quietly in the background of my little computer area, I had my bible propped open and was reading on several topics (suggested readings that went with each topic) that I found in the FCA materials on one of his shelves.

Among the various topics that I was looking up suggested passages was that on relationships, of all sorts, but most specifically romantic relationships. Among some of the passages that were mentioned was Song of Songs. I have never heard of this book of the bible before, and it sort of makes sense as it is a mere very short eight chapters. And on top of that it is a very brazen love song. Not something I would have thought was in the bible but was very encouraging that such a bold love song is part of the intimacy of our bible.

However a couple verses struck me.

The first: "Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love flames are fiery flames - the fiercest of all. Mighty rivers cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away..." [Song of Songs 8:6-7]

The intensity of this love song is so powerful. Not only because I desire this sort of romantic love...but also because it's the sort of love that God has for us. Most times we picture our love from the Lord as that of a father to a child, which it is, and that of a friend to a friend, which it is. BUT it's also a very passionate, intense romantic love from our Lover to ourselves!! How amazing that my God is my Father (Protector, Providor, Counselor), my best Friend, AND my Lover!! SO cool.

However, one of the issues closest to my heart is that my heart is so guarded. The thought of romantic love is always appealing but I push away from it. Sometimes I feel that I might be wrong in this as everyone else my age seems to be mature enough to handle this part of life whereas right now I feel it's something I can't bear. Everyone else WANTS to be a girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, wife/mother, husband/father and is doing so. Me...well I'm not there yet. But I took a lot of peace in this next verse.

"His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me. Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time."
[Song of Songs 8:3-4]

This warning is given several times among the intense love that the lovers in this lvoe song are singing to each other. But what a wonderful whisper the Lord gave me yesterday. I DO NOT need to awaken love before it is appropriate and right now, it just isn't appropriate or desired for my life. My God has something else planned for me and until the time when love is meant to be part of my life, I need not worry about it!

There were a great many passages that spoke to my heart but this one was the one that I think the Lord meant for me to hear most. Speaking directly to a part of my heart that I have been worrying over, He soothed my worries.

And wouldn't you know it, the next couple of verses I looked up told me not to worry! He handed Luke 12:22-34 which starts as this "...Therefore I tell you, don't worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they don't sow or reap; they don't have a storeroom or a bar; yet God feeds them. Aren't you worth much more than the birds? Can any of you add a cubit to his height by worrying? If then you are not able to do even a little thing, why worry about the rest?..."

Such wonderful verses when I needed them yesterday :-)

Don't be a Drag, Be a Queen

Nothing feels better than simply getting back to who you are and what makes you happy!!

I spent the morning dancing in my bathroom to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"...and all I could think is "hell yes, I AM on the right track!"

I'm on the right track baby, I was born to be brave :-)

I am so confident in being single, being myself, and being happy right now. I have an amazing God who accepts and loves me exactly for who I am, where I am, no matter my past.

So here's to the Lord, to great friends, to sunshine and to being young and having the power to influence my own life positively!!

Don't be a drag, just be a queen. [Lady Gaga]

R.E.L.A.T.I.O.N.S.H.I.P.S.

I found this little blip the other day, written by an amazing woman and I thought I would share...I am working on doing my own to remind me of what's most important. But this was so great to read I just had to share....


Relationships….

R. Realizing that life revolves around someone other then me.

E. Everyone in our lives wants to feel important

L. Love like you have no tomorrow

A. Accept, Approve and Appreciate everyone regardless of whether you feel like it or not.

T. Time, people spell love, T.I.M.E. invest yours in someone today.

I. It is better to give then to receive

O. Open up.Take down the walls and let someone else in.

N. No one has it all together, we could all use someone to lean on.

S. Sacrafice of yourself to help someone else.

H. Having something positive to say, no matter what!

I. Important: treat everyone as the most important person in your life.

P. Plant seeds of greatness in every relationship, water them and give them the time they need to grow.

S. Smile even when it hurts.


What would you be putting in for each of those letters?!

You Are You

These past couple of weeks have been ones of renewance. I have found I can breathe in deeper breaths, I can more fully enjoy the sunshine on my face, my pep is coming back in my step, and there has been some revitilization of my soul. Life HAS gotten a lot easier, there is more sun shining through the clouds in my world, and the mark of the Lord's blessing is so vivid on my life.

Let's please give the glory and credit where they are due. THANK YOU ABBA FATHER! The one and ONLY reason I have gotten through all that I have, and that things have been so blessed is because of the Lord and HIs mercy and love and guidance. The power of Christ's peace and comfort have kept me calm and held me firm when I really didn't think I could last much longer under the burdens of my trials. He has whispered so reassuringly in my ear, if even just a whisper, "I am here beloved" over and over and over. He has so perfectly provided through all my trials that He knew were coming in my life, exactly what I needed it, when I needed it, even when I didn't even know I needed it.

He knew that I would get myself into these trials, He knew they were coming, and He provided all support and avenues needed for me to come out. And it's all because we have such an amazing God that we can rely on that it was even possible. It wasn't me. It was the Lord. It is our Almighty God that my life has gone from chaotic trials to the more calm in my life.

Getting into specifics: I can now understand why those who are going through separation and divorce sometimes say "I don't care how this all ends, I'm just ready to be done and ready to move forward." Though I didn't go through a divorce or huge separation, figuring out this whole truck situation with Britton was sorta like going through a divorce. I was legally tied to him long after we had broken up. And it was exhausting. By the time it was all taken care of, the relief of having all that weight on my shoulders was absolutely amazing. I didn't even realize how much burden I carried around all the time because of that whole situation and just how much it affected all of my life. After it was all said and done, I told my mom with a huge sigh of relief "I am just so glad to be done with all of that. I feel like I can take in a very deep breathe for the first time in months." Britton still owes me thousands of dollars, money he cleared out of my savings account and has never paid back. My dad was talking about going through all of the legal procedures to have his wages garnished (as Britton signed a personal loan on all the money he borrowed) and he was explaining it to me how it all works. And after some thought, I came to the decision to I don't want to pursue that. It's a huge learning mistake that I made but one that I learned from and that strengthened my relationship with the Lord. But more importantly, it just feels so wonderful to not have him involved in my life. That money, though very valuable to me, and money that I could very desperately afford to have back, is not worth the relief and calm I have in not being connected to him in anyway. So in my eyes, that whole situation is closed. I lost a lot in the end but I am also incredibly victorious. I have my life, I have my faith and my God, I have my health, and I am very blessed. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

There are so many things in my life that I have to be grateful for: my health, my family, my friends, a house over my head, food in my tummy, money in my bank account (no matter how much I may struggle), my faith, and a God that always provides. And I am loved. That is the biggest blessing of all. I am LOVED!! By my Lord, by my family and friends, and I am the receiver of their love, in whatever way it is given. How does that not make me one of the richest women on earth?! :-) Just to be a child of the Lord makes me the richest of the rich, to have the chance to know the glory of our Heavenly Father who so lovingly bestows His blessings on us.

My future is right on the tips of my fingers and I am looking towards the long goal and reveling in knowing all of my life is ultimately in the Lord's hands and not my own.

In the meantime, I take pleasure in focusing on my kiddos, on my job, on my friends and family, and diving into my relationship with Christ. I take so much delight in getting to know my God on all new levels and understanding His power and vast love even deeper. I also take delight in going through this part of my life with the people that the Lord has put in it. I have some fabulous friends and the most loyal of family who have helped to support me. I love having best friends who want to go to church with me and accept me as I am and who take the time to be there for me on my worst of days and provide words of encouragement, advice and wisdom. I love that I have an extensive support system of people who are understanding and loving.

On a more light-hearted note: With all the transitions and brighter side of things....well I just naturally wanted a little bit of a change. So guess what I changed (hint: it's something that has been known to change every couple of months for the past year or so)?! Yeap you guessed it...new hair do!






So I will leave you with a little quote that my sister-in-law left on my wall, that although very well known, made my day and reminded me it's ok to be me and where I'm at and I should be proud of simply being me!

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." [Dr. Suess]

Raining SillyString and Gummi Bears

If I were to say that the last couple years of my life have been chaotic and full of trials, that could be considered a truthful observation. At times I would even call it an understatement. On the flipside, they have also been a couple very incredible years in which I have grown tremendously.

Granted I have taken steps backwards....and sideways. I've tripped and fallen, gotten back up, only to stumble and find myself face-down in the mud thinking "how did I get here...again?!".

I have loved a lot, gotten wounded a lot, struggled, been victorious, made friends, lost friends, stepped away from people, drawn people closer than ever before. Crazy whirlwind type of stuff.

One of my best friends the other day told me this expression that her sister-in-law uses. Sometimes it rains and pours, but it rains sillystring and gummi bears. Even when it rains, the sun has to come out eventually!

This is what I like to call having faith, and letting the Lord lead us out of our fiery trials...but to the average person who may not believe what I believe, or may not believe in the power of Christ's love and mercy and power, we have the power to look at any situation in a positive manner.

Here I sit and the end of one whirlwind trial, wondering how I'm going to make one of my dreams come true.

After repo-ing the truck last week, I traded it and my car in for a brand-new car. The whole situation over all does not have the outcome that I would consider ideal. Ideally I'd still be driving my car that was paid off and not costing me any money. But given everything, I have a brand-new car that will be paid off in six years (by the way, I plan on this being the first car for any of the future kids that I may have), completely within my control, and following all angles of the law, not riding on the false promises and intentions of anyone else. My brand new car is a 2011 Jeep Patriot. Overall a really great, fuel-efficient vehicle. I'm going to have to adjust to not having power locks and windows but she drives well, is quite safe, and is completely covered by warranty. The Lord really came through in a very quick manner when I just put the whole situation in His hands. Literally, I spent one evening on my bed praying for the Jesus to take this whole mess and for it all just to fall within His will. And a day later, I walked out of the horrid situation I was tied to in the truck with Britton.

It's not without some downfalls. Now more than ever I'm worried about paying my bills. Now my bills every month equivalate to $1000 (car payment, car insurance, cell phone, student loans, credit card, monthly transfer into savings). My savings account is still very small, after Britton clearing my savings account and not paying it back.

The other day, after I picked him up to take him to the dealership to sign over his rights to the truck, he demanded I pay him back $20 that was in his truck that "had been there" when I repo'd the truck. He refused to sign the papers until I paid him back that $20. This coming from the man who owes me $2430, plus $50 that I paid for a parking ticket he got and didn't pay, plus the upside-down I am in trading in the truck. Really?!

And I'm worried about how I will pay my bills if I get into nursing school. I don't have a back-up savings and I'm worried about getting enough funding to pay for school and my personal life. And even if I do get enough funding, that will put my personal debt into a huge amount that I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with!!

However even with all of that worry and anxiety, I know all will work in whatever way will glorify the Lord!!

On the flip side, I finished applying to nursing school at Regis University and I have a pretty good shot of getting in I believe!! I really hope that I do get in :-) We will see what happens!!

Right now I am focusing on my heart, on my future, and trying to strive hard to get where I want to go and who I want to be.

It has been raining and pouring in my life....but in the end when I finally stop hiding my eyes from the rain, I peek through my fingers to find that I'm drenched in sillystring and gummi bears....and isn't that just a wonderful thing?! :-)

Sunshine Peeking Through The Clouds

Well it has been an interesting couple of days.

Wednesday I repossessed my truck back from Britton, who though he was making the monthly payments (only because I was riding his ass all the time), still has not paid me back for the money he owes me (almost $2500), didn't put insurance on the truck and refused to get the breathalyzer in there. So I took power back into my hands and repo'd my own truck back.

It pissed him off. We had some words later that day in which the ugly side of him most definitely came out. Very deceitful like always, very vindictive and hurtful, very much Satan streaming through him. A lot of anger and very much just ugliness pouring through his every word, his every action, just pumping through his veins.

This morning I still gave him a chance to refinance the truck and the prick still was talking to me like shit, talking about me in front of my face on the phone, and being the kind of vicious person that I have seen he can be.

I was able to refinance the truck in my name only, thankfully, and will soon get rid of all of my vehicles and invest in a vehicle that I would actually like (gonna start doing some research on vehicles here in a couple minutes).

Basically what I realize is on one hand, my human nature is mad and wants to get revenge on someone who can so use so many other people in his life. I have a lot of regrets with him....the whole situation is regretful other than the impact it had on my relationship with the Lord. I wish I could take it all back and not do it.

But then again I am very grateful to the Lord for all that He has done in my life and done in my heart. I am grateful for all that He has done to bless me and while I learned these lessons the hard way, I am thankful that the Lord is forcing me into submission and (though painfully) molding me. I just hope I can continue to keep an open heart and keep learning and dwelling on the Lord.

So tonight I am humbly thanking Heavenly Father for answering prayers and asking him to keep a joy in my heart for my life, even when there's not always things in it that make me happy!!

Repo

If these last two weeks haven't been eventful...oh vai!!

So lots of good, some not-so-good....and well a little of everything in-between!!

The overall theme: repossession.

Reposition of my life, of my heart, of my mind, of who I am.

I said goodbye to my little Ethan. One of the hardest things I've had to do yet in this life. I'm sure I will face loss more as I go along but ultimately, it comes down to Ethan is irreplacable in my heart. He left a lasting impression that will forever have its' mark on my life and his spirit, love, and dispotion will not be jaded by the lack of his physical presence. I miss him greatly, I miss his love and his smile and our friendship. There will never be one just like it and I am glad that Ethan will forever be in my heart as one of the first little ones to impact it in so many ways. He helped me to reclaim my heart, he put band-aids on areas I didn't even know how scars, and he brightened up my life. That will never change.

Since then I threw myself in my Regis nursing application and submitted it. The only thing left is turning in the letters of recommendation on Monday and then it's another waiting game for the next 6-8 weeks to hear about the big decision!! I decided I need to repossess my passions and my dreams....stop holding back (like I've gotten in a bad habit of doing) and to once again start shooting for the stars. I'd rather fail than regret never trying!!

I met up with an old friend from a year-and-a-half ago....getting to know each other. Exposing my heart and my scars. It's been a little refreshing see how I have changed in that time and taking the time to get to know someone new. I'm learning how to take possession for my actions, and guarding my actions and taking into account my intentions.

The Lord has placed it upon my heart to repossess my heart and I couldn't be happier. I am going to let Heavenly Father romance me from here on out and spend time working on the wounds within. Dating is completely on a back burner, as I know it's not healthy for me nor wanted.

My friendships are so important. I'm coming back around from holing up after Ethan's passing to getting back out there with friends. It was so refreshing to spend one whole saturday going from having my breakfast alone to chatting with a friend for two hours to chatting with my besties for three hours to chatting with the above friend for several hours. It felt so good to have that little warmth in my heart.

I did something a little crazy last night. I went to the Ozzy Osbourne show!! I mean I couldn't pass that up :-) I haven't been to a musical show in so long and then I go to a metal show...perfect way to break up the monotony and do something last minute and spontaneous!!

And today, I took repossession of my life in another area. I took back my truck. It isn't getting the truck back that matters. I don't want the truck, in fact I want my name off of the truck. What it was, more than anything, was taking repossession of the power Britton falsely put on me. He took such advantage of me, of my kindness, compassion, and giving ways....of my so many areas of my heart....and I was able to reclaim them by taking back their power. He can no longer hold me in the bondage of the lies and tales he spins, of the abuse of power he seems to revel in. I stood up for myself, on so many levels tonight, and for that I'm proud. I didn't let someone bully me and beat me down....though he tried. Fearlessly he tried to beat me down and tell me awful things after I took the truck...but that's Satan putting those false lies in the mouth of someone who has had power. And I know the truth. It feels good to once again stand up for myself and not let someone walk all over me.

Now it's back to the grind working and working, as the Lord is going to be seeing me through some crazy trials these next few months. But that's ok. I'm along for the ride Lord, as long as you're holding my hand through it all!!

"I know you're there, I know you see me..." [Casting Crowns lyric]

Ethan J Tanner

Tomorrow evening and Saturday morning are going to be two very hard days of my life.

Tomorrow evening is Ethan's viewing and Saturday morning will be his funeral aka life celebration.

This week I've been able to hold myself together rather well. Early morning and right before bed are the hardest for me. That's when my mind has enough time for it to sort of be realistic as my head goes back to a ton of memories.

However, I'm handling this well because I'm simply not dealing with it. It isn't real. I'm going through the motions. But not the emotions.

Ethan was very special to me....and a huge part of my heart. In the past year-and-a-half Ethan slowly wove himself to become an extension of me, a special treasure that slowly started to fuse himself into the innermost parts of my heart.

My life has changed so dramatically since I first met Ethan and Ethan is a huge part of the reason that I am who I am while I sit here and write this. He has not only become a part of me but Ethan has taught me so much about who I am, who I'm not, and about life. He has given me so much more than I could ever give him and taught me so much more than I could have ever taught him.

Ethie was my little ray of sunshine. Quite literally. His smile always lit up the room...but Ethie never failed to light me up. It didn't matter what was going on in my life, what hardships I face, what mood I was in. As soon as I was Ethan, my heart was warmed, my life was brighter, I had hope, and I had joy. Ethan was the most joyful, happy person I have ever met....and he faced hardships daily that I couldn't even imagine facing. He lived his life with joy. In all the time I ever knew him I only heard him really cry twice. Well I heard him cry at night when I babysat for the first bit but I never heard him really CRY but twice. Twice. It didn't matter if he could or couldn't do it, he never gave up trying. It didn't matter if his body couldn't keep going, he never gave up. Even when he couldn't breathe, even when his body was exhausted and failing, he kept pushing it. And he smiled, all the time. I almost never saw him without a smile. There wasn't a time that I couldn't make him laugh or giggle. It was who he was.

And it was through his smiles and love that I found a love that I can't imagine never having felt. I don't have my own kids but I have known the pure, unconditional, wonderful love of a child. And it's so beautiful.

Ethan's love and his smiles and his friendship saved my heart in so many ways since I met him.

My life is richer because of his presence. And because of the presence of his parents.

Annie and Justin are two of the most humble, loving, dedicated and wonderful couples/parents I have ever met. Their example of parenthood and marriage and love towards each other has been so amazing. They welcomed me into their home and their lives, entrusting me with all of their children and entrusting me in the care of their special little boy. They allowed me to come into their home and lives and to receive the love of their children and bond with them in very special unique ways; and I can't thank them enough for that. It has meant the world for me. I don't think Annie and Justin realize how much of an impact their family has had on my life and the special place they will always have in my heart in so many ways. Words like appreciation and gratefulness are simply and never will be sufficient.

God knew I needed Ethan. And I would like to think that in some small way Ethan's life was made a bit more peaceful and happier because I was able to serve him and to serve our Heavenly Father by serving Ethie's needs.

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me. And quite sad. It is going to be all too real.

But I have a sense of peace. Ethan fulfilled his purpose here on earth. And while I am so heartbroken to see him go, I look at my heart and how rich it is, how full it is, because of his presence in my life...and then I look at how many other people he was able to impact in his short five years on earth. I only hope that I can impact a fraction of the lives that Ethie was able to impact and touch in his short five years. More than that, I know that our Heavenly Father has a greater purpose for Ethie in heaven than here on earth. God works everything for a purpose. And He needed Ethan. Ethan was called home. Ethan is now free from the restraints of his earthly body. Ethan is now FREE of the restraints of his earthly body that kept him from doing everything that he wanted to do.

I also am very thankful to the Lord that Ethan died peacefully. I think that the Lord knew on top of the rest of my overwhelmed life that taking Ethan would be a bit unbearable for me. And I thank God so much for allowing me to opportunity to have one last evening with Ethie on thursday before he passed.

Ethan was so excited to see me come over that night! I only got to play with him for a mere 20 minutes before I put them to bed but I got to shoot guns with him and tickle him and play high-five with him. I walked him down the hall with him giggling as I was making him "leap" down the hall. Kaden had picked out three books to read (I always read three books Kaden picked out and then a fourth that we always had to read). I then let Ethan brush his teeth...and of course he giggled because when I said "ok we're all done dude" he found it amusing to pick up his tooth brush again and clamp his teeth down on it and laugh. I then picked him up and carried him into bed.

Kaden had found three books but we couldn't find the fourth book, the book we always had to read...I Love You Through and Through. I looked up high and low, in the bedroom and the office for the book. And I couldn't find it. I didn't like that, because I loved that book. I read it the first time I ever tucked the boys in and it was perfect. I loved those boys and I got to tell them that in this book. Not to mention it was interactive as I always had them point to the body part or make the expression. At the end of the book it says "I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow, too." I loved that I got to tell them that when I read the book!! However I couldn't find the book...but my thought was "well there's always next time".

So I got to read them the books, and tell them I loved them through and through. Ethan got to point to the pictures in the book and he smiled each time he did. Then I tucked them in. Kaden first, like always, because he's on the top bunk. Snug as a bug in a rug. I'd tuck the covers in tight at their sides. I asked Kaden where he wanted his kisses, the forehead or cheek, to which he hid under the blanket as normal so I tickled him out and gave him a big ol smooch on the cheek and told him I loved him. And then I went down to Ethan. Snug as a bug in a rug. And he smiled at me. I asked him where he wanted his kisses, his forehead or his cheek, to which he pointed straight at his forehead. So I gave him four forehead and kisses and then he pointed again (like normal) so I giggled and gave another and did this a couple times. I finally said "last one!". I then told the boys I loved them and I would see them later and to sleep tight. I then turned off the lights, said "I love you" again and walked out.

About 45 minutes later I went in to check that he was still on his back and breathing, I put my hand on his chest to feel it rise and put my head down next to his to hear him breath and then I walked back out, feeling good knowing that Ethie was doing ok.

And that's the last time I saw him. But I am so thankful, because I got to love up on him one last time, and play with him one last time. I think the Lord knew I needed that and wouldn't have been able to be ok without that.

I regret that I couldn't read Ethan our special book...but in the grand scheme of things it's ok because I got to tell him I loved him one last time and got to tell him goodnight. I needed that. And I think in the long run, I will be able to handle this better because of it.

I will miss Ethan....more than I can express. This world is a little less brighter. But I hope that through Ethan's lessons I can live my life with a lot more joy and a lot more love and I can impact the world in those same ways.

I love you through and through, Ethan J Tanner.

I Love You Through and Through

I love you through and through.
I love your top side
I love your bottom side
I love your inside
and outside.
I love your happy side
your sad side
your silly side
your mad side.
I love your fingers
and toes
your ears
and nose.
I love your hair
and eyes
your giggles
and cries.
I love you running
and walking
silent
and talking.
I love you through and through,
yesterday
today
and tomorrow too.

Now he is running with the angels. And I hope he is enjoying EVERY minute of it! I love you through and through Ethan J Tanner

Gallery, eh?

It would be an understatement to say that I keep our household current and keep it organized. And by that I mean I'm constantly the one making sure the house stays clean and organized and neat and I put things where they belong. And on top of that I sorta decorate and keep all the picture frames current and keep everything updated. Not like a show home but if we have stuff then why not use it and rotate it and keep it looking good?!?!

Anywho, I found a ton of photo frames a few years ago and upon my mom's go-ahead I put up these frames with a theme down the hallway. And then I found all of our huge senior photo prints in the storage closet so I helped my mom find matting frames and we found a place to display them on the wall in the dining room. I just updated another hallway's pictures that were over a decade old as far as the pictures of us kid so I updated them and added new family photo frames up, including pictures of my brother's wedding.

Well on top of that, my mom has started adding my personal photography around the house. First she added a rose collage series on her bedroom wall (she LOVES roses and they happened to be our rose bushes in the backyard). And now she is requesting some of the photos I took at the wedding along with some of the sunflower fields that I took awhile ago.

On top of that I have TONS of photo frames upstairs that I take care of and update. Most of it is my own photography with the exception of a whole bunch of family photos that I will edit from any camera and take. I also have paintings and drawings that I've done along with paintings that friends have done.

Basically I have no portfolio, other than some of what I shoot that makes it on my wall. I don't consider it really great work but I do get compliments on it and my mom says I have an "eye", whatever that means. I'm not quite sure about that but I've heard several people comment on some of my photos. I take pride in what I do display has very little to no editing but I don't have high-tech stuff to take "great" shots. I just shoot from my heart and I LOVE shooting my little kiddos.

Anywho, my mom keeps sending me links of people who are looking for wedding photographers. I am SO not good enough for that. However, I have been wrestling with the idea (especially at my mom's encouragement) of selecting a number of photos and finding a small shop or coffee shop or such that will display some of my photos for sale. I think it would be awesome if I could somehow make a little bit of money off of my work if others like it. It might be a random and hopeful dream but I have been tossing it around a little bit....

First off I would need to choose a selection of my photos that I would like others to know me by. And then after that I'd have to somehow come up with a watermark logo and then I'd have to find a shop that would be willing to display my photos (assuming they liked them). But before that, I have to get the courage to do it!!!

Maybe soon ;-)

However, here's what I would like to ask anyone who actually reads this....do you think more people are inclined to buy color or black-and-white or does it really just depend on the photo?!

Good Reads

So I thought I would make a little list of my recent reads that I would recommend to others to read.

I love reading and I love a great story...however, I don't spend as much time reading anymore but when I DO read a book and I like it, I totally will share it with everyone else.

Right now I'm on this Jodi Picoult kick...her books are really good. She has a unique way of writing where she bumps back and forth from the perspective of all the important characters so you get to really get in the head and get to know each character that is important to the novel. As well, her novels offer moral dilemmas that make you think. In each of her books, the ending always astounds you and sometimes the ending isn't even really a full ending - sometimes you are left with lots of questions. But in her stories before you read it, if someone were to ask you the question "What would you do if (insert moral dilemma situation)?" you think you can answer with a cut and dry response. Her books then hit you with the morality and humanness of the said situation and they make you think. You become part of the story and you can't answer so easy. As the story goes on you start to relate to each character and see all sides of the dilemma.

Anywho here are a couple of those stories I LOVED and would recommend:

*My Sister's Keeper - I don't care if you have seen the movie, but ESPECIALLY if you've seen the movie you HAVE to read the book!! The reason: the book is SOOO much different than the movie. This is one of those movies I REALLY wanted to slap Hollywood for making a movie. Seriously Hollywood completely changed the story and kept the title...and they didn't tell the story the way it happened AND they left out a crucial character and storyline. Ugh. Please read it. The book is great!!

*House Rules - If you have ever known someone with autism, or more specifically someone with Asperger's, this book is hilarious. The plot of the story isn't funny but getting to watch this author so wonderously and accurately get in the head of an autistic kid was amazing but she did it SO well that I was envisioning my kiddos. It made me laugh as it reminded me so much of a couple of my kiddos and their own little autistic tendencies!


There is another story by an author named Kristin Hannah called Firefly Lane that encompassed a lifelong friendship between two girls who became best friends in middle school and never looked back. It goes from their childhood to their dreams and how their friendship falls apart but the sister-like bond that these two women have. I literally cried the whole last part of the book (yes I'm a chick....which funny enough I wrote a post about this book making me realize how much of a chick I am because it made me cry) and it was an amazing read. I totally recommend it!!

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini is an amazing "cultural" read that I would recommend to anyone. I don't even want to try to explain it...just pick it up and read it!!


Right now I'm working on getting started reading The Shack and then I'm going to read Memoirs of a Geisha. As a slow guilty pleasure read I'm also reading The Tattoo Chronicles by Kat Von D (which is basically her journal turned into a book) and I read an entry from that from time-to-time.

Man on man, too many good reads, so little time....

Culture

Today I got to thinking about the value of culture, what it plays in our lives, and the emphasis we put on it.

Romero, my brother from Brazil (foreign exchange student) is visiting for a couple of weeks. And today we went to his other host family's place for a Brazilian dinner. Nancy and Terri love Brazil and have hosted a number of foreign exchange students from Brazil and visit Brazil about every two years for missionary trips.

So a few of those former host students live in the surrounding area and with Romero back in the US for these past couple weeks, they decided to have a Brazilian dinner.

The food was delicious and it was awesome to learn a little bit about the culture.

But it's so amazing to watch two cultures come together.

Here's what I've noticed from interacting with lots of people from all over the world:

Everyone loves to share about their culture. For the most part, humans are self-centered. And we love to share what is familiar to us and our lives. Not only is Romero really quick to talk about his culture but we are quick to tell him about ours. And this is how people are. We WANT to share our way of life with others.

Culture is important. Believe it or not, we identify by our culture. It molds and shapes it and we have to justify it and make it something that is semi-appealing. But culture makes up all of who we are. And parts of it mold us to become parts of our culture that we don't want to be.

We LOVE to experience other cultures!! We love to be exposed to new things.

Ok well that last one might just be me ;-) But I love getting to experience new foods and languages and ways of life. I mean I'm not always comfortable with it but it's SO FASCINATING to see how differently other people live, yet how at the same time just HOW similar we are. I love culture.

I want to go travel and experience many many more cultures. I'll always love my culture, where I come from, what has shaped me. It will always be home. But I would love to go see the cultures of the rest of the world :-)

Don't Leave Yogurt Unattended

I got the chance to substitute teach in the SPED room at Pennock Elementary today.

I had a blast! I needed the chance to work with these kiddos.

I got to work with this one little girl S who totally cracked me up! She is so energetic and just goes a million miles an hour all the time. She talks and talks and sometimes gets really bossy, especially when she's getting tired or hungry.

Anyway, she didn't really eat lunch while we were at lunch but this is normal so she always has ramen noodles afterwards. I made her noodles and was sitting with her while encouraging her to eat. Well I found myself getting rather hungry as it was 12:45 and I wasn't scheduled for my lunch break until 1:15 so I decided to pop open my yogurt I had brought with me for the day.

I had brought an old regular Yoplait peach yogurt as someone had bought it and it's been sitting in there for a little bit. I personally prefer Stonyfield Organic yogurt or greek yogurts (especially vanilla or strawberry flavors) so it was just something I threw in as a filler for a break time.

Seizing this opportunity I opened it and sat down next to S. She decided she was going to try and trade her noodles for my yogurt. When that didn't succeed she asked if she could try it to which I said yes (as she isn't on food restrictions) and seriously about 30 seconds later my whole yogurt was gone! I had one bite and she downed the rest.

Apparently S likes peach yoplait yogurt!!

Oh and speaking of food...the MOST adorable thing happened to me last week while babysitting.

For the first time in months I got to babysit for one my fav families, the Tanners. Ethie was getting surgery so I was babysitting Kaden and Lizzy. TOTALLY a piece of cake as Kaden is so self-sufficient and self-entertaining while Lizzy is now one and is little ms. independent. She's a year and two months old, is and always has been such a tiny little girl with a HUGE personality, and has always been really smart. Well I haven't seen her in several months which means she went from being on the cusp of being able to walk to walking/running/going up and down stairs on her own. She's a teeny bit bigger with more hair and a couple more teeth. Her facial expressions are still just as loud and strong and independent...she has a little temper and will of her own and can amuse herself all day long. She's very vocal but so loving and sweet. Honestly, THE cutest little girl I have ever seen in my life.

Anywho, I made Kaden some chicken nuggets for dinner and she came wandering in the kitchen with wide eyes rubbing her belly and I asked if she wanted some and she shook her head yes and went and tried to climb up into her chair. So I popped in some chicken nuggets to warm and strapped her in the high chair. I gave her the chicken nuggets, some crackers and some apple slices for dinner. Then I sat down and ate mine. After I was done, I went and grabbed two oreos (I had seen the package sitting in the pantry when I was looking for ideas for dinner). I came back with one in my hand and munching on the other. Her eyes got BIG and BRIGHT...she apparently knows what they are!! She held out her hand and I told her that she couldn't have them, they were mine and that she needed to eat her food. Then I hid them behind my cup, of which she kept trying to peek around to see if it was there or if I had eaten it. I sat there for awhile and she kept trying to reach for my cookie with me always telling her no.

Well after a little while she got SMART!! She picked up a cracker and offered it to me, obviously in exchange for the oreo!!! As cute and intelligent as it was, I had to fight back giggles and laughter to tell her that she needed to eat her chicken nuggets and crackers and the cookie was for after dinner. Well she kept offering the cracker and after about five minutes gave up.

Well she must have been deep in thought because a few seconds later she looks up, screamed at me to get my attention, offered me the cracker and then with her big deep blue sweet innocent eyes and cheeks, she gave me those "pretty please" eyes and then took her little fist and signed please on her chest!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I HAD to give her an oreo!! How can you possibly resist that?!?! Not only is she a year and two months old but she's negotiating food and signing please. I'd have to say she deserved the oreo!! (which was a whole other moment of laughter for me watching her methodically break it open, lick ALL the middle out and then eat the cookie part getting it ALL OVER her face and hair and hands!!

I love kids...such great memories!!

The Man on the Balcony

My junior year of high school we hosted a foreign exchange student from Brazil named Romero. It was his senior year and he lived in the room right across from mine, here in the second floor of our house. That was almost seven years ago. Crazy how time flies!!

Romero is back in the United State visiting. He spent two weeks in Florida with his parents and is spending two weeks here in Colorado with us. He has been here for a week-and-a-half now and it's amazing to me how much he remembers. His english picked right back up to what it was before, despite not having spoke it hardly at all for six years. He understands humor and slang, although some newer stuff we have to explain to him. He's not afraid to ask questions, like before. But basically, his mind remembers everything!

But I tell you all this because of something else that is pretty prevalent in my life, living here back at home.

I call him The Dark Man.

I believe in spirits, in angels, and demons....and have always been fascinated by the paranormal. It's not something I'm extra sensitive to, just something that I believe is there.

Well we built this house we live in. My parents designed it, we built it, we moved in. There are no previous owners, no deaths or whatever, just us. But about two years after we moved in, I started getting the sense of being watched. I shook it off for the most part, just blaming it on my fear of the dark coupled with my habit when I was younger of watching horror movies. I sorta freak out and get paranoid in the night time. That is...until I started seeing shadows occasionally out of the corner of my eye. I still just rationalized that what I was seeing was me wanting to see/sense something. Until I started seeing a dark cloaked man in the room across the balcony.

I told my mom and she just excused it, saying my overactive mind was getting the best of me. She said that I wasn't seeing anything and there's nothing that could possibly be there. We built this house remember?

So I never told anyone about this dark man with the trench coat and hat that I started to see on a semi-regular basis.

That is until one night when my best friend Gwen was staying the night. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and take off her make-up and she came running into my room a little freaked out saying she thought she saw a man in the room across the balcony. I calmly asked her what she was talking about and to describe him to me. When she did, I told her that she wasn't crazy and what she had just seen was my ghost.

Same exact thing happened with my best friend Britt about six months later. Without me telling her. She saw him as well. Each describing the same man to me.

A few times I have awoke to him standing near the foot of the bed, with it freaking me out.

Mainly he just observes. He's not bad but he's not too friendly. He's very curious about me and just watches, sometimes from a distance, sometimes up close.

When my Grams lived here, she saw him and experienced him on a regular basis.

When Britton lived here, I once asked him if he had felt like he was being watched. I asked him this one night while we were downstairs getting food late one night in the kitchen. When I moved back home last January, he came back watching me very casually and becoming even more curious-er and observant. When Britton moved in, I could feel that curiousity coming from him alter into another feeling. He became protective, and jealous almost, as I am the main person he has attached to. He started off being territorial from a distance but had started coming "closer" and "closer" the longer that Britton stayed here. I had noticed but didn't know if B had noticed anything. He said he occasionally felt like being watched and said he had seen stuff out of the corner of his eye but he never thought much about it.

Well funny enough, with Britton no longer living here, the feelings of jealousy have resided. He initially started coming closer, blatantly walking into my room one night and scaring the shit out of me. I rolled over and asked him to leave. And since then he has sorta backed off a bit.

Well I tell all this because the other day, as I was sitting downstairs on the couch with my laptop, Romero asked me casually "do you still see the guy upstairs, the ghost?" Bewildered I looked at him and said "All the time! Why, have you seen him?!" And he said yes, he was here when he lived here six years ago and he has seen him every day since he's been back!! Romero even commented on how at first it had freaked him out but he doesn't get a bad vibe from our in-house spirit. He just gets a really curious vibe and Romero gets the vibe that the man is most curious about me. Romero said he almost always sees him upstairs and the man is almost always in the guest bedroom across the hallway.

Sometimes The Dark Man freaks me out. I don't know what to make of him. In fact, right now he's sitting somewhere near my door watching me, very intently trying to figure out what I'm doing. This sounds weird but I can just feel him. But at the same time, it's kind of comforting to know that it's someone who sorta watches out for me but isn't afraid to make it known to others that believe in spirits that he is present.

At least I know I'm not crazy!!

I don't know why, but I just wanted to share about the man on the balcony. Sometimes I wonder why he's still here, why he just resides here watching....I want to help him and figure out who he is. But how do I do that when he's just a spirit who has somehow attached himself to this house and to me?!

Why Hello There

It has been quite awhile since I have sat down to write...mainly because there's too many intimate details on my mind about situations that I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone, life is SO complicated, and it's hard for me to keep sitting still long enough to finish writing something. I pick up my journal and write sporadic thoughts ALL the time but I can't sit still long enough and be ok to pour out any thoughts on my heart. I find myself at a loss for words a good majority of the time though there is NO loss for intense emotions. There's so much on my heart and mind that I have to pour somewhere. In the past two months I have filled up half a journal with entries. That journals accompanies me in my purse almost everywhere.

It's hard for me to adequately write down my thoughts in a way that makes sense. In the translation of switching feelings into verbal words, I find myself writing one or two descriptive words. And then that just makes me seem crazy.

But I have a need to write, ALL the time. I'm finally becoming emotionally semi-stable enough again to sit down and share some of my heart with the world.

But what do I share?! I'm an open book....but how open do I want to be?!

Well here is what I know as of right now.

I am working my damndest....and by that I mean keeping myself busy as much as humanly possible. I'm not in a ful-filling job nor one that is even remotely close to being one I want to do for too long. But I'm working for the money. To pay off my credit card (I put quite a bit on there thanks to this little thing called retail therapy) and I just need to keep busy. I'm looking for other jobs but know I'm also not stable enough right now to know if that's exactly what I need to be doing right now. I need to be making better money, be in a job that will fulfill me, and one that is more along the lines of what I want to do...but right now I'm not sure when I'll let myself get there. For now I work as a substitute teacher and keep myself occupied working extra hard at my parents apparel shop.

I am applying to nursing school at Regis. I'm done with CU-Denver. I'm bucking it up and applying to Regis and praying I just finally get in so I can move forward with my life in at least one sense. The application for the traditional bachelor's is due Feb 15th. I will find out whether I'm accepted or rejected before the application for the accelerated program is due June 15th...either one I get into, will finish within eight weeks of the other. So I don't care which one I get into. I'm ready to take the punch of the rigor and the cost...as long as it means getting to do what I love finally!!

I live at home with the parents still. It's not the most ideal in terms of where I want to be in life but I am SO thankful. My parents have provided such a wonderful support and it's free. I can't afford to pay rent or utilities right now, though how I afforded to spend several hundred dollars on my credit card in two months is beyond any responsible reasoning. Actually it's called stupidity. But I still live at home in the sanctuary of my parents roof....and I'm not sure when I'll make enough money to say otherwise. Right now I'm concentrating on paying off the credit card and paying back student loans.

B is still in my life. Not a boyfriend. But I love him and care about him. I never thought I'd be in the situation I am but I do know God has a reason and a purpose. Couldn't tell you what that it is but there is one. He needs help, I love him, we have too many connecting ties, and....yeah. I am looking into attending classes to start dealing with the effects of having someone so close in your life that deals with an addiction(s). I think it will be good for me. If you would have told me that I'd be in this spot, I would have not believed you. And I'm not sure how I make it day-to-day sometimes but that is all because of the Lord.

I rely so much on God to be my strength and my rock. I don't know how people who don't have faith survive any day, let alone any significant trial! I'd feel so overwhelmed, so burdened, so alone, and so lost. I still feel that way a lot of the time but I know I'm taken care of and it's just a temporary feeling. "This too shall pass."

Romantic relationships....what do I say about this area of my life....other than it is not a focus or priority AT ALL!!! As a matter of fact, I don't think I can trust a man with my heart for a long time, trust myself or anyone else in a relationship, and healing is a long process that is underway. It doesn't mean I will discredit how important they are but I recognize that a romantic relationship would not be healthy for me in any sense right now....even if the most amazing and Godly man came into my life. So while I don't push away the thoughts of one day having a husband and children....romantic relationships, as well as the future they will bring, are not the focus of my life. In fact, my focus is the opposite. Work on myself, get myself on stable ground emotionally and mentally, find what fulfills me in all ways other than that, and then maybe that is something I will entertain.

I miss companionship. I miss being hugged, loved, caressed, kissed, and that comfort/protection.

I would love to be treated right by a perfect gentleman and maybe it would do me wonders to let myself date and have the change to experience that for the first time in a long time. But I find comfort in the love of my friends, the love of my family, the peace in the word of God, and letting the pure love of those who don't have to love me on a romantic level take care of my heart and mind.

I need to first find peace and strength alone, and love myself alone, before anything else.

I'm working on getting my confidence and resolve back. I'm working on getting the mess that is my life first semi straightened out. This will take awhile....but God is in control.

I'm so very thankful for that.

Right now I am babysitting for some of my favorite kiddos. Lizzy is sleeping, Kaden is working on his workbook, and Ethan is with Annie at the hospital as Ethan had to have surgery. I find pleasure and peace in the company of my kiddos. I find pleasure and peace in scrapbooking once again and working on various little projects.

I hope to finish a scrapbook I started for my brother Kevan. I am working on getting my photo albums updated and in the right timeline. I am working on finishing decorating my bathroom.

On my to-do list are these little "keep me busy" projects:

-make a picture frame from scratch
-repaint my bathroom
-maybe make a quilt (i have to learn how to do this first)
-learn a new song on the piano
-write a letter to Alyssa

Well, hello there, I am back...and while my mind is all over the place, hopefully I can start writing on here again...and get back to my old self again. The happy healthy woman I used to be....maybe I still am, I just need to start feeling that way again...

You simply have to be yourself - at any age - as God made you, available to Him so that He can work in and through you to bring about His kingdom and His glory. [Luci Swindoll]

Heartbreak

My heart is broken.

But God is faithful.

God doesn't promise we won't go through trials, only that He will be there with us WHEN we do. (Isaiah 42:2-3)

Right now I'm working on healing my heart, and I'm praying most fervently for B.

I'm not shutting any doors....but I am focusing on healing my wounds.

A Down Day in Subbing

Last friday I substitute taught in a 6th grade Special Education classroom.

My heart was so disheartened by what I encountered during that time.

I had four class periods....two of those are basically one math class, split into two periods of the day, for these special education students who are pretty low at math. I get that these kids all have IEP's (Individual Learning Plans) and why they qualify for special education is not something I'm allowed to know.

This I do know: they are all individuals who deserve a shot to excel as much as they are capable of. They are not to be told what they can and cannot achieve, and they deserve to be respected as the individuals they are.

They were a little bit difficult....that's what happens when you have a mix of 6th graders, who are special education, who have had a sub for the second day in a row, who respond to things a little bit differently.

But what's sad is what's sad is what I witnessed.

I don't claim to be great but I claim to be pretty darn good at working with kids. I relate to them, I know how to interact with them, and I understand how to get down to their level. I feel for them, I have empathy towards their disadvantages, and I find joy in them.

But these are the things I witnessed that made my heart break:

1. One of the first things the other special education teacher who taught the math class with me said to me was "Mrs. F is obviously not going to be writing any letters to Harvard for this group." How sad that he, as a special education teacher, has the nerve to put limits on any child let alone these kids. They need their teachers to push them to keep reaching beyond what others think their limits are, not define them! You don't tell a kid what they are and are not capable of, that they will fail...how dare you!

2. The same said teacher had the nerve to playing push a kids head. Excuse me. You don't touch children.

3. The way he was talking to them made me so mad. You don't talk to children like they are dumb! They aren't dumb. You don't call them names to their face. You don't talk about the kid in front of them. No! You just don't do that.

4. It really made me sad that I was in there for one day, and able to explain pre-algebra math in a way that they could understand that they hadn't been able to before. Not even that...these kids don't know how to do multiplication or division...and I was able to start successfully teaching it to them in ONE DAY!! I'm not good at math. But how sad is it that I can teach these kids and reach them in a manner that their normal teachers can't.

5. One kid, named Jacob, has behavior problems. The teacher had warned me via sub plans that he might be troublesome. Yes he was, he wanted to push limits. But by working with him just a little bit one-on-one, and by giving him a couple positive comments, I was able to control that behavior. What the heck does that say about the teacher who is normally there?!?! Not very much that's for sure.

You just have to treat kids with respect, like they are human. You have to be positive towards them, establish limits and boundaries and stick to them. You have to push them to excel, not tell them how they will fail.

It just broke my heart :-(

Perfectness of His Plan

It would be a huge understatement to say that I know how to make myself messy in so many ways. Every time I think I finally have a little bit of it figured out and cleaned up, well somehow I get myself in an even bigger tight spot. How uncanny is my ability to do that!!

Without going into the specifics, God's perfect plan is slowly being revealed to me. He is giving me ALL the tools to get out of the mess that I have put myself in.

But as I was looking at the weave of this mess and all the tools/opportunities He has given me, I started to realize the power of God's planning in my life for the entirety of my life.

See this is what I realized: God knows me better than I know myself. He made me. And with that, He knew the mistakes I would make before I even made them. Before He even lovingly planted me in my mother's womb, He knew my heart, He knew ME! He knew what I would be like. He knew at the age of 23 I would be where I'm at thanks to my own doing. And since the day I was born, he has weaved this very intricate plan into my life, a plan to take care of me and get me through my tough times.

I can look back on people in my life, in events in my life, that have specifically led to this point. The perfect web that He has created is remarkable!! I can look at events that I was so confused about happening or not happening these past two years and I now understand the multitude of reasons why.

I was looking back at my life, and I can recognize God's hands in all areas of my life. Of how He led me perfectly to my blessings and to my trials. How He has always been there and has had his Hand on me. I can see specifically when He knew I would take the wrong path and the events that guided me back to right paths. And I understand that when I willingly chose those wrong paths, I can recognize huge spiritual lessons that He taught me during those times....although I will admit it's been from reflection over the past few years that I have come to recognize and name those lessons and learn from them.

In thinking over all of this, I started letting the tears flow in the shower and found myself crying out of joy that my Lord knows me SO much better than even I know myself and has taken care of me so well. I have so much to be thankful for, despite the trials I am going through now as I know I am taken care of, even when it doesn't feel like it.

It's so relieving to know that if I just keep faith in Christ, He is going to lead me down some amazing roads in life and is going to use me in ways I can't even begin to imagine! I just hope that I can keep my eyes on the prize, which is my relationship with the Lord and the glory being lifted up to Him in all facets of my life.

With that being said, there is this really good song that I came across last night that is such a huge part of my testimony right now in life. This song has been touching my heart for the past day and I love the raw truth of this song :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-aE7zQTeEg