Friday, January 07, 2011

Why Hello There

It has been quite awhile since I have sat down to write...mainly because there's too many intimate details on my mind about situations that I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone, life is SO complicated, and it's hard for me to keep sitting still long enough to finish writing something. I pick up my journal and write sporadic thoughts ALL the time but I can't sit still long enough and be ok to pour out any thoughts on my heart. I find myself at a loss for words a good majority of the time though there is NO loss for intense emotions. There's so much on my heart and mind that I have to pour somewhere. In the past two months I have filled up half a journal with entries. That journals accompanies me in my purse almost everywhere.

It's hard for me to adequately write down my thoughts in a way that makes sense. In the translation of switching feelings into verbal words, I find myself writing one or two descriptive words. And then that just makes me seem crazy.

But I have a need to write, ALL the time. I'm finally becoming emotionally semi-stable enough again to sit down and share some of my heart with the world.

But what do I share?! I'm an open book....but how open do I want to be?!

Well here is what I know as of right now.

I am working my damndest....and by that I mean keeping myself busy as much as humanly possible. I'm not in a ful-filling job nor one that is even remotely close to being one I want to do for too long. But I'm working for the money. To pay off my credit card (I put quite a bit on there thanks to this little thing called retail therapy) and I just need to keep busy. I'm looking for other jobs but know I'm also not stable enough right now to know if that's exactly what I need to be doing right now. I need to be making better money, be in a job that will fulfill me, and one that is more along the lines of what I want to do...but right now I'm not sure when I'll let myself get there. For now I work as a substitute teacher and keep myself occupied working extra hard at my parents apparel shop.

I am applying to nursing school at Regis. I'm done with CU-Denver. I'm bucking it up and applying to Regis and praying I just finally get in so I can move forward with my life in at least one sense. The application for the traditional bachelor's is due Feb 15th. I will find out whether I'm accepted or rejected before the application for the accelerated program is due June 15th...either one I get into, will finish within eight weeks of the other. So I don't care which one I get into. I'm ready to take the punch of the rigor and the long as it means getting to do what I love finally!!

I live at home with the parents still. It's not the most ideal in terms of where I want to be in life but I am SO thankful. My parents have provided such a wonderful support and it's free. I can't afford to pay rent or utilities right now, though how I afforded to spend several hundred dollars on my credit card in two months is beyond any responsible reasoning. Actually it's called stupidity. But I still live at home in the sanctuary of my parents roof....and I'm not sure when I'll make enough money to say otherwise. Right now I'm concentrating on paying off the credit card and paying back student loans.

B is still in my life. Not a boyfriend. But I love him and care about him. I never thought I'd be in the situation I am but I do know God has a reason and a purpose. Couldn't tell you what that it is but there is one. He needs help, I love him, we have too many connecting ties, and....yeah. I am looking into attending classes to start dealing with the effects of having someone so close in your life that deals with an addiction(s). I think it will be good for me. If you would have told me that I'd be in this spot, I would have not believed you. And I'm not sure how I make it day-to-day sometimes but that is all because of the Lord.

I rely so much on God to be my strength and my rock. I don't know how people who don't have faith survive any day, let alone any significant trial! I'd feel so overwhelmed, so burdened, so alone, and so lost. I still feel that way a lot of the time but I know I'm taken care of and it's just a temporary feeling. "This too shall pass."

Romantic relationships....what do I say about this area of my life....other than it is not a focus or priority AT ALL!!! As a matter of fact, I don't think I can trust a man with my heart for a long time, trust myself or anyone else in a relationship, and healing is a long process that is underway. It doesn't mean I will discredit how important they are but I recognize that a romantic relationship would not be healthy for me in any sense right now....even if the most amazing and Godly man came into my life. So while I don't push away the thoughts of one day having a husband and children....romantic relationships, as well as the future they will bring, are not the focus of my life. In fact, my focus is the opposite. Work on myself, get myself on stable ground emotionally and mentally, find what fulfills me in all ways other than that, and then maybe that is something I will entertain.

I miss companionship. I miss being hugged, loved, caressed, kissed, and that comfort/protection.

I would love to be treated right by a perfect gentleman and maybe it would do me wonders to let myself date and have the change to experience that for the first time in a long time. But I find comfort in the love of my friends, the love of my family, the peace in the word of God, and letting the pure love of those who don't have to love me on a romantic level take care of my heart and mind.

I need to first find peace and strength alone, and love myself alone, before anything else.

I'm working on getting my confidence and resolve back. I'm working on getting the mess that is my life first semi straightened out. This will take awhile....but God is in control.

I'm so very thankful for that.

Right now I am babysitting for some of my favorite kiddos. Lizzy is sleeping, Kaden is working on his workbook, and Ethan is with Annie at the hospital as Ethan had to have surgery. I find pleasure and peace in the company of my kiddos. I find pleasure and peace in scrapbooking once again and working on various little projects.

I hope to finish a scrapbook I started for my brother Kevan. I am working on getting my photo albums updated and in the right timeline. I am working on finishing decorating my bathroom.

On my to-do list are these little "keep me busy" projects:

-make a picture frame from scratch
-repaint my bathroom
-maybe make a quilt (i have to learn how to do this first)
-learn a new song on the piano
-write a letter to Alyssa

Well, hello there, I am back...and while my mind is all over the place, hopefully I can start writing on here again...and get back to my old self again. The happy healthy woman I used to be....maybe I still am, I just need to start feeling that way again...

You simply have to be yourself - at any age - as God made you, available to Him so that He can work in and through you to bring about His kingdom and His glory. [Luci Swindoll]

1 comment:

A Lady Called Amy said...

Welcome back. I've missed you, but you've been in my heart where you always are.<3