Friday, March 27, 2009


I find myself antsy....the only problem is I'm not able to pinpoint why I'm antsy or how to fix that antsiness.

I have found I'm very uncomfortable with myself when there isn't some sort of high levels of activity or adrenaline...which right now in my life adrenaline comes in the form of crazy amounts of drama. Not that I like drama, I just think I'm attracting it. I think the lack of peace with myself is reflected with the craziness in my life.

I do know that when I don't have people contacting me or several things at the tips of my hands, I'm not comfortable. I feel like there's more to life and I'm missing it. I know on one hand I need to take the time to enjoy life and that's hard to do when you are running around with your head cut off. However, I know the things that are "fulfilling" to me are not things I can concentrate on the moment.

I would love to have time to get to develop more relationships. Fact of the matter is my time is cut so thin. Sometimes I doubt this as I'm able to sit on facebook and update my blog everyday. However, I do these mainly while I'm at the obligation of work or while I'm in conjunction of working on homework (now that can explain why my GPA isn't so hot). Or in all honesty at ridiculous hours at night (like now). A good 40-50 hours of my life is strictly spent in work or at school. About 7 hours a week is spent working out with Shelly (of which two hours of that is probably spent in transportation to get to/from the rec). On Tuesday evenings, I'm booked with meetings. Wednesday and Sunday evenings are APO. And Monday/Wednesday are almost always dedicated to homework. In between all that I have to fit "life errands". And eating. So that leaves weekends. Of which I fill up trying to fulfill APO hours, watching my brother play baseball while I still can, catching up on sleep (major priority here) and sometimes doing homework. This next month is jampacked with tons of projects as it's the end of the semester.

I have the desire to develop relationships with others but there's no time. A lot of people tell me "to make it a priority". It's hard to make a priority when right now (with the exception of weekends) your responsibilites to get done with a bachelor's are so demanding. FYI....don't take 17 credits your last semester if at all possible. Really stupid idea. I want to make it a priority but if I do, then my academics that already suck, go down the drain even further.

I have also found I really have a passion to be moving, going, seeking. As in going somewhere and doing something new. Getting into the work place kinda scares me as I thrive off my life constantly evolving (one reason I'm so anxious about moving home...) and doing new things. It's hard to do new things when you're scraping by. I want to be out traveling the mountains on adventures with those developing friendships: hiking, taking pictures, learning to kayak, boating, fishing, camping. I want to be traveling the U.S. in new pursuits: SLC to follow family genealogy, visiting various museums around the nation, "sightseeing". I just want to be "going".

I also think I'm antsy because for so long I depended on the happiness of a romantic relationship. I've found trying to get off that dependency is hard. It's been invigorating, liberating, thrilling....but it's new and uncomfortable.

It's a beautiful thing that somewhere down the road this will all have a purpose. It is beautiful that I'm being pushed to dig into myself but it's painful, it's hard, and it's scary. It's also intimidating. The amount of scars I have been facing and still need to face are so monstrous that at times I wonder how I was able to ignore them for so very long, how I still can ignore some of them simply because I don't yet know how to face them and care for them.

I have moved on in some aspects but in others I haven't. There's still parts of me that twing when I hear Green Day songs and sushi (among other small things here and there) but I need to learn to let those go. It will come with time I know but until then the twings linger and make it hard sometimes. I think it's normal. But I also think I need to start associating everything that happens to remind me of him still with something else. They say that it takes half the amount of time you spent with someone to be able to move on. If that's the case I have at least another six months on my hands. I truly hope he's happy (he stopped talking to me again) or at least working on being happy. But there are many reasons I broke up with him, good reasons that are vital to myself.

I need to stop the bullshit and simply let it all go. Stop being scared of maybe facing parts of the future alone and just let it go. I am letting it go, working on letting it go, starting now.

I've just been a silly stupid girl until now, messing around with this even further when for a long time I've known I need to just move on and stop looking back.

I'm wondering if reasons I look back are because the future is so unknown, in every aspect of my life.

I truly wish I wasn't such a complicated woman.

I've also found I'm antsy because I am wondering the direction and purpose of my life. It's hard to understand what your direction and purpose is when it's so darn muddled in front of your very eyes. My family doesn't NEED me, my friends don't NEED me, a guy doesn't NEED me. So what's my purpose?! If I look for it in acadamia, well I'm not going to find it. I will be taking a brief hiatus to apply for nursing school. My acadamia fulfillment will be delayed for awhile so that's not my purpose right now. The direction my life is going to take....well apply to nursing school. But that decision won't be made until 10 months from now. And what happens if I don't get in?! What does my life's plan look like then? God knows I don't really have a desire to utilize the degree I'm getting. What is God's purpose for my life?! I'm trying to seek it, I'm trying to listen for God's answer, but I feel as though there's too much background noise of simply fulfilling life's "responsilities" right now. Either that or I'm not listening in the way I need to be.....or perhaps I'm not really trying to listen at all.

Perhaps, maybe I'm afraid of the answer.....or even more so, afraid there is no answer.

I want my life to be moving forward, but that moment it's beginning to stagnate, to take turns I don't want it to take....however I can't help but think that maybe God is trying to teach me something. He always does this. It's always for the better but trying to figure it out is always incredibly hard for me.

And I'm so stubborn and hard-headed that I don't learn from my mistakes the first time. I think anyone who knows me knows that.

I'm antsy, full of questions, with very little answers. Self-reflection is needed but I don't do it often right now because usually more pain is brought than good, especially because there are so little answers right now. Hopefully I'll get it figured out one day....

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