Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Budding Forward

Well my body has decided to kind of get sick off and on this past couple of weeks and yesterday I started getting a ginormous coldsore. It's now taking up most of my lower lip, which means my body is really fighting some sort of sickness. So I couldn't go play with my little Ethie today :-( But instead I'm "resting" which I should know by now I'm horrible at. I just walk around this house finding little oddball jobs to do.

But here's a cute little picture of me and Ethie from when we went to the park a week ago.

So I guess it's about time for other matters of the heart.

Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back I can totally admit how big of an idiot I was with my heart with Eric. I was played and used, and completely at my will. I knew that things would not last and still I continued to stick around and put myself out there for him and be there for him. Seriously, it was just a tad dumb. But I once again, learned a ton of lessons the hard way.

However, I couldn't be more thankful. God used that situation to teach me and prepare my heart for something more. I kept grappling the whole time with a whole host of things. I spent the better part of a year questioning my worth not only in relationships but in general. I grappled with certain parts of my self-confidance in the eyes of males and of males in a romantic way. Not to mention, the entire experience of dating Eric really made me face core issues and values that I not only want but NEED in a relationship. It was a whole dating scenario centered around turmoil and selfishness but one that really did prepare my heart for something bigger and better.

There has been someone who has pursued me for a long while, being patient and understanding through trying to pursue me but also respect my wishes that I was dating someone else and would remain faithful until I knew what was between Eric and I was done. In fact, I almost lost my opportunities with this person, as was displayed around mid-April on a very intense ride at 2am. His name is Britton.

Unknowingly, when I met Britton, God was opening a door. He placed this amazing person in my life, who I didn't even see coming nor was looking for. Obviously my mind was elsewhere and my heart was all over the damn place.

With Britton, things have been so....real....since we first started getting to know each other. Guiltily I added him on facebook and gave him my number after Eric and I broke up the first time hoping he would call me to hang out with all of them so I could still be around Eric and understand what was going on. I didn't expect anything more than someone who might call me to hang out and I would "casually" bump into Eric out of nowhere. HA! Girls intentions versus what God is preparing someone for.

Well late one night I was up, restless as was usual for me at that time, and Britton started chatting with me on facebook. He asked the usual "hey how are you?" questions, asking what I did. I told him I worked with special needs preschoolers which led to conversations about kids. Somehow we got into a very intense conversation in which we discussed Christianity, finding out we're both Christians and from there a conversation revolving about how we both don't believe in divorce and the priorities one should have including God, kids, relationship to a spouse, etc. All things given, I wasn't expecting it but felt so comfortable talking to him. And it was nice to go beyond the superficial level which was what Eric and I stayed at. But Britton knew about Eric and I.

We chatted on facebook a couple more times, meeting up once to hang out and watch Little Nemo. I'm not quite sure how but I kept quoting Little Nemo as we were watching it in class and next thing I know I'm over at his house trying to find a working dvd player to watch this ridiculous movie. It didn't happen so we stayed up all night just talking....talking and talking and talking....with some very light but very intense topics. Death, cancer, kids, divorce, God, the future, hopes, dreams, relationships, etc. It was natural and easy and real. It felt good to have a friend that I could finally talk to about all this, who agreed with me on some very personal core values, and who looked me in the eye. It was easy to laugh around him, his laugh being contagious, and when we talked I could see his passion and zest for what he was saying.

I'm passionate. We know how much I LOVE seeing other people be passionate, even if I don't agree.

He opened up about his past, about his daughter (yes he has a daughter who is turning 4 in a few short days), about his shortcomings, and his mindset.

And things just continued from there. We got really close really quick.

And I think both of us knew that something was there. We talked about it. But we talked about how until Eric and I were done and I knew what was going on and my feelings for someone else were gone, that Britton and I had to remain friends. Around January is where that all changed. We spent one night hanging out and a couple people referred to me as his girlfriend, just based on us laughing and being around each other. It was then that I told Britton I need some space. That none of this was right or fair to all parties involved.

So he did. Until Diana and Cam moved back to Colorado and he asked me to come to her benefit auction. And I did.

I spent it mostly sitting by myself in a corner taking it in, listening to Cam and Diana while Britton and his family sat on the other side of the auditorium. God had been working in my heart and He used that night as a time to put a hunger for more righteous paths in my heart. Little birdies in my mind started coming to the forefront of my mind and heart. I started craving a better relationship with God. I started craving a better relationship with my family. I started craving a better romantic relationship. And I started to remember why I feel so blessed and so loved and so lucky all the time. God put a million reminders in my life, a million cravings, and then Diana started talking about "Do Not Disturb" signs that she had placed on her heart, which made me face a ton of those in all facets of life, but also in terms of relationships.

Britton and I had a good talk a little bit after that. And somehow a few weeks later I got a call from him asking to come pick him up from downtown Denver for a sober ride. I did this a couple times. Then one night he called me and I drove down. He gave me a huge hug and then in the car on the way home he proceeded to ask me why I was still messing around with Eric (he knew the whole situation and about this time was tired of hearing my excuses and the same ol story over and over). Not expecting at 2am to be having a conversation like this, my defenses went up. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was being stupid. He looked at me and said something to the effect of "do you know how intense and passionate we would be together? do you realize how much i could love you? i'm not saying i'll be the healthiest relationship but i'll be healtheir for you than what you are putting yourself through right now". He told me he cared about me and then told me he was done. He was tired of waiting, tired of the bullshit. He told me that I needed to get my head on straight, that I needed to open my eyes. He told me that I was far better than that, that I deserved so much more, that I'm an amazing woman, that I was special and God had amazing plans for my life if I just stopped being afraid. Well at the end of that car ride home I threw the cigarette in his ear out the window (I've hassled him about quitting smoking since day 1) and he gave me a hug. He invited me to come in and talk and I pretty much just said hell no and drove away. The next day I wanted to talk. We opened up and I thanked him for being blunt and explained myself.

This whole time Eric and I were fizzling but I still wasn't over him. I was tired of being yanked around. But Eric pulled the chain without telling me. Which I'm glad he literally just stopped talking to me. Made it easier to deal with over that month and a half that he decided to make me a booty call once but never really contacted me. I have a tendency to get over things more quickly when I get mad and hot-headed which I did. And stubborn.

The day I found out for sure we weren't dating was the day I closed that part of my heart and decided to take a huge risk. I decided to talk to Britton. I told him I was finally done with Eric (of which he didn't believe because of the dozen or so times he'd heard it before) and asked him to go on a date.

And we've spent the last two months getting to know each other, taking risks, and honestly falling in love. Which wasn't hard to do. Quite easy actually. We've told each other we've loved each other for quite some time. He knows I think the most important words you can say to someone you care about are "I love you" and so we've said it since day one in a friendly way. And sometime end of May that friendly way turned serious. When we finally stopped holding back.

We still haven't had that date. We don't get to hang out much as he works ALL the time. But so far it's indescribable. We have the tough talks all the time...and trust me there are many. He needs to get a lot of his life straightened out. And we are very blunt and honest about it. We both know there are demons in our relationship closets and we are understanding of that towards each other. He knows I'm afraid of getting hurt and so all of this is scary to me. We both know how much of a commitment marriage is in our lives, neither one of us believing in divorce. We both believe relationships take lots of work and communication. However, how supportive we are of each other already has astounded me.

People say when you find that person you'll know. Well I denied it for a long time. But Britton is here for the long haul.

This isn't going to be easy. But it won't be hard. Britton and I have already started learning how to "dance" through life together. We've already learned that we can be so incredibly honest with each other, but do it with love.

This is a little crazy. My family loves him. That's never happened with anyone else. And Britton has a "dirtier" past than anyone else I've dated. But they love him. My dad of course having hesitancies as he's my father. And rightfully so with my crazy dating past. But even then I don't see him scrutinizing the way he has before. And Britton is crazy respectful of doing all this the right way and with my father's permission.

But something my mom said to me yesterday really struck me (and my mom hits the nail on the head EVERY single time about our friends or dating much so it's scary): "I've never seen you light up and sparkle the way you do with Britton. I watched you two the other day just talking in the kitchen. I gotta feeling....and if what I'm feeling is correct, I better start looking for something to wear to your wedding."

Ok I wouldn't take it that far Mom, but I think her feeling might be correct....

We'll let God be the judge of that....because Britton and I are putting God first in this relationship...and well God does what he wants!!

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