Friday, January 30, 2009

Things That Remind Me of You

California (all of it)
Dane Cook
Rob Williams
Mark Twain
Nightmare Before Christmas
Valentine's Day
Green Day
Guitar Hero
World of Warcraft
Talking about where I want to travel to
Good Luck Chuck
Snow Patrol
Jack Johnson
In N' Out
Broncos/Rockies (I still have those first two tickets...)
Orange & Blue
Saw....all of them
Shadow Box Frames
Name/Initial Game
Hoover Dam
Act mouth wash
That one cologne
Me First & the Gimme-Gimme's
La Jolla
Watermelon Smirnoff Ice
DIA and San Diego Airport
Instant messaging
One way streets
Queen size beds

As much as you hate remembering me, it's painful having so much remind me of you too. I haven't forgotten, but quickly I am forgetting. I'm forgetting our inside jokes. I can't even remember what they were anymore. I still remember always always. I will always remember Okinawa. I miss things. I long for a lot of what we had. Why they still pop into my head I dunno. I miss our friendship. I've gotten rid of XO necklace you got me. I deleted the pictures of the flowers you sent me. I won't forget your smile or genuinity. Nor will I forget when you sunk into the dark spot that has ahold of you right now. I remember the way you always hold your hands, in fists when you are nervous. I won't ever forget how I felt leaving Okinawa though I want to. It still makes me laugh when I think of how you tried to go through security with the knife. That first goodbye at the airport, meeting your Dad or the dozens of hugs goodbye at gates. I had that first bottle of disgusting wine we had.....White Leaf or something like that....up until a bit ago. I still have the letters and cards. I deleted the emails. I still have the pictures. I gave you back everything else. I got rid of my Marine shirts. I was pissed. I remember camping, that damn bracelet, being pissed that Vonage wasn't working. I remember that night after the funeral....and it makes me sad for many reasons. I remember being proud. I remember being hurt. I remember feeling secure. I remember the distance. I want to forget. But I can't. You were too big a part of my life to deny. To forget. I wanted to remember everything so I drank you in. I didn't want to forget you like I did my other relationships.

I can't even remember anything that included Mike, well almost anything. I remember rare occasions. I remember almost everything with you.

That first day, the park, your belt, push-ups, the gum, getting lost, going the wrong way on a one way, lunch, your house, Rockies tickets, that first kiss, cuddling, leaving, that first hug in the morning. White shirt, tan shorts, socks, looking bewildered. Brown/orange stripped shirt, same tan shorts, socks, tennis shoes, your old watch. Then camping trip, stars, setting up the tent, campfire, not sleeping, driving, that hike, stepping in mud (that's still on my shoes), back to your place. My parents finding out about you and Marshall texting me at work for a heads up. Showing that bracelet to fellow lifeguards. I remember even standing in the door talking to you on the phone.

Lightening skittles. That was one of our first jokes. Photobooths. I left a comment that said I could see us making faces then on our first date we photoboothed. I wanted to kiss you, instead stuck my finger in your nose. That first date I was wearing my dark wash jeans, army green tank, brown flip-flops, glasses. Knocking on the door. Texting you for a time the night before.

You meeting my parents. Holding your hand while they grilled me. Giving you a hug promising I'd be at the airport. Did you know I still have those first texts from that night on my old cell phone? I bet you didn't know that. I can't delete them for whatever reason nor get rid of the cellphone because they are on there.

Going to the airport early in the morning, meeting you there, standing in line to check in with you and your mom. Meeting your dad for the first time and him telling me I was goodlooking. Walking you to security. You walking with me over to the side to say goodbye and hand me the letter. Watching you walk through security and go down the escalator. Watching you until you were out of sight. Walking with your parents back to the car. Giving them hugs. Driving away crying and missing my exit. Winding up in commerce city but thankful. Driving to move to Colorado Springs that same day.

Endless nights on the phone. Waking up at 5am just to talk to you and staying up until 2am to talk to you.

Booking the flight to Okinawa. The days beforehand in the blizzard counting down. The plane rides there. Sitting next to the genius kid from LA to Osaka. Making my way through the Osaka airport knowing I'd see you in a few short hours. Green CSU sweatshirt, brown sweatpants, my slip-on Nike yoga shoes. Flying from Osaka to Okinawa at night, wishing I could see the island. The guy next to me sleeping and wishing I could. Landing. RUNNING through the airport. Looking through the doors wondering where you were. Getting my luggage. Shaking as I walked to the glass doors. Searching for you, thinking I wouldn't recognize you. You came from behind the tank. Brown jacket, blue shirt, Levi's, brown shoes, old watch. You grabbed me while I was still holding onto my luggage and lifted me up. My bag fell over. You held me there for a bit. Walking hand in hand out of the airport. Camacho driving that weird van, both of you loading my luggage. Exhausted. Holding your hand and cuddled onto your shoulder. Kissing my forehead, kissing you. Talking about the city during the day, pointing out a sushi place. Lots of lights, all new, disorienting. Driving to the gate. Pulling over to find out the place to get my whatever was closed. Driving through. Going to the hotel. Kissing, falling asleep happy.

Days spent watching The View. Sushi. The kitchen, cooking, the shower, staring in the mirror cuddling, snails, watching you walk to get a taxi every morning, staring out the window to the big dude's office. Standing at attention, fire alarms, Macaroni Grill, American Village, ferris wheel, that one night walking all over the damn place. The aquarium, holding hands, making love for the first time. Sleeping through both new years. Five Iron Frenzy. Birthday/Christmas presents. Figuring out calling cards. Mushi mushi. Cars. Lots of pictures. My cross necklace. Wearing my capris. Not being able to go anywhere the first few days. Camacho getting mad when I walked to your work. The pirahnas (spelling). POX. Grocery shopping. Subway. The tunnel we walked under by the hotel quite a few times. My brown polo. Your blue eyes. Being pissed because you fell asleep and wouldn't wake up the night before I left. Drinking three cans of Sprite. Crying in the hallway. Doing your laundry. The drive to the airport. Playing hangman sitting down by your knee with the message "Please don't make me go". You walking me to the gate. You crying. Me crying. Me almost staying. Almost not being able to walk away. Crying. Writing in my journal.

Driving with your mom to California for almost 17 hours straight. Alan Jackson and Precious Memories. Texting you when we got close. Again afraid I wouldn't recognize you. Pulling into the hotel. You walking out to where we were. Hugged mom first, me second. Picked me up. Held my hand as we walked in. Oceanside, San Luis Ray, driving because I was best at it. Seafood. La Jolla for the first time. New swim trunks and that white element shirt. God I could go on and on. Your new truck. Sea world. Padres Hoffman 500th save. Coors light. Wearing my pajama pants.

Weekend trips. Balboa park. Bri and Kenny. Bodyboarding. The airport. That one huge bed in the town that starts with T. Base housing. Seeing where you worked. Navy Federal Union. Cammis. Sand in the truck. La Jolla. In N' Out stops. Walking through miscellaneous towns. Grocery shopping. The list goes on and on. Breakfast in bed. Morgan's wedding. etc.

Times home with your family. New Years Eve and Christmas Day with my family. Grandma and Grandpa Ehrlich. Sitting in the living room. Laying with you on your dad's couch watching Letters from Iwo Jima. Holding you while you finally cried after Grandpa died on that waterbed. Promising forever, promising flesh and blood. Not knowing I'd break the promise. Betty's funeral. Your dress blues. The cemetary. Driving looking at Christmas lights. Seeing where you grew up. Home videos.

Roadtripping home. The name game. Hoover Dam. Melons. Colbie Caillat. Driving proper. Stopping when overheated in the middle of nowhere. Excited.

I think I'll stop there.

Why is this on my mind right now? I have no idea. Maybe if I can just get it out of my system the dwelling on it will stop. I dunno. I'm just trying to clear my mind, waste some time. Figure out what the hell is going on. Why am I crying? Seriously I don't know what the hell is going on right now.

I'd rather remember the first parts. The end just got so fuzzy for me. But I don't want to. It hurts. Why? I dunno. What the hell? Where am I going with this? Why am I dwelling so much on the past?

What if Krista May lived? I've wondered that a lot too. God I miss her. I miss her so much. I wish I could remember her hug, I want to see her smile. I wish I had her here to talk RIGHT NOW. I feel like if anyone could comfort me at this exact moment it'd be her. It's been six-seven years. And I feel like she just passed not too long ago. I remember feeling her presence not long after on the lifeguard stand. I want to feel it now. I feel kinda all alone right now. Why? I dunno.

Man I am all over the place. I guess sometimes we just need to dwell on the past, we need to cry, we need to be emotional. We need to remember. We need to question what if. We need to recognize we don't know why we're feeling one way but recognizing we are feeling a certain way.

Wow I really started pouring out didn't I?! I didn't realize this was so long until I just tried to scroll up. 2 1/2 years though is hard to summarize. I remember our first times talking. First times talking on the phone, before we met. I still have a few conversations. Funny huh? I have all the photos, letters, and cards from then until now. No more emails or other posessions but I still have those. I can't let them go yet. I'm not ready.

Things that remind me of you. There's apparently a lot when I start to think about it.


Kristin said...

I love you, Nica. I remember hearing about many of those times. It's good for the soul to remember, but it's better to remember that God has brought you through the fire, through the mud that we've come to enjoy, to a brighter place. Never forget, but never forget how much Jesus cares for you, and how this is all shaping you for the future :) Thank you for your rants, and for thinking through the tough stuff :)
Love you

A Lady Called Amy said...

:-S i feel like i just saw so much personal stuff... but thank you sooo much for sharing. i have a hard time letting go to, and unfortunately b/c of drinking a couple people in i have turned myself off to sooo many of those feelings because i don't want to lose another person i try to remember so i'll never forget. i did a good job remembering. i wish i could forget. thanks for sharing so at least i know i'm not alone.

Nicole.Ann said...

Remembering is hard...and I rant...a lot. I think through a lot and it helps to "write" it out...handwriting doesn't keep up with my mind. So I do it on here and I'd like to think other people can relate.

That's why Captivating touched me so much. I didn't think anyone else understood how I felt. Until I read that book. It was then I realized someone else had an emotion as deep and intense as mine!! Had the same desires.

I like to be raw and honest (though it's embarrassing) but I hope it helps. It helps me. Thank you my loves for reading and understanding and loving me where I'm at.

Thank you Kristin for constantly reminding me of God's present. Thank you Amy for being a "shoulder".

I love you guys :)