Monday, January 12, 2009

Late Night Love

Hmmm......well I noticed today Scott took me off his friends on myspace. I guess that's the absolute end of our ties. I'm no longer in his email addresses, I'm sure he's taken me out of his phone, and now no longer friends on facebook or myspace.

I texted him for a mutual friends' email address last week so I could actually contact that mutual friends' wife via email and I don't think Scott was too happy to hear from me. We have no means of communication. I miss his friendship but......I dunno if I want to be friends with someone who can so easily erase me from their life. I realize I cut it off but I haven't erased him from my life. I guess I expected we might still be able to be friends afterwards. He always told me we could and would be. He once told me a couple weeks back via email that he can't be friends with me until he stops seeing me as "the love of his life and who he was meant to spend his life with" and he also mentioned a few months ago that he will never see me as anything other than that. He said he can't be friends with me if I'm romantically involved with someone else or him romantically involved with someone else. So hmmm.....I guess we'll never be friends.

That's not really fair though. Would he expect me to just live life not ever being "romantically involved" with someone else?! I know to him that even meant kissing someone else. I know I obviously blew that one out of the water, with having sex with another guy and all. It makes me wonder if he has been with another girl, just for the sake of double standards. I know that to try and get over his other ex he slept with another girl to try and get over her. It makes me wonder if he's done the same thing this go-round. I don't care either way but I do wonder.

It is sort of a double standard though. Before anything even happened with Vrbas, once he found out I was even interested in another guy, he broke off communication. I know he has to be interested in another girl, of some form, that's how he is. He is always looking to fill that void in his heart. I think that's hypocritical though. Not being able to be friends.

Isn't it funny how people become vital parts of our lives for bits of time and they know everything about us and then they are just gone?! Interesting how that happens.

I guess I have no right to expect friendship after breaking up with someone but I thought our friendship was stronger than that. Why am I even worrying over this?! I don't love him. I just know that he was my best friend for so long that it has been very hard letting that go. I think that's the only reason it bothers me so much.

But I think that's something that comes from my past. It always hurts worse when people can just throw away my friendship. Probably because it's been done so many times. Ending a romantic relationship is one thing, but when you end a friendship you are basically telling that person how important they are. And that has happened to me way too many times in my past. It hurts knowing my best friend threw that friendship away so easily.

Anyway, it's time to move forward. I need to let that friendship go until he decides if he ever wants to be friends. Besides, those that love me stay in my life. And I have some very great and dear friends in my life right now.

On a happier note, Vrbas finally contacted me again today....via myspace. I haven't seen him for almost a month now!! I was actually just gonna give up on that one but he sent me a message apologizing for not taking me up on grabbing dinner last week. I know he HAS been busy....he started his EMT class last week, work has been chaotic due to the new year....and he said he has been busy with fam.

I hope we get to talk soon. I know when I messaged him at the beginning of break, we were talking and I asked him if he thought we had sexual chemistry based on the couple of times we had had sex (to him sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship....and I will tend to agree) and he answered no......but that it's one of those things that you have to learn what you like and what your partner likes. Which for me, I'm still a newbie to the whole sex thing, as far as experimenting and knowing what I like. So I will give him that, I'm not great at the whole sex thing. Though I KNOW I'm an absolutely great kisser. I know I've sort of struck out a little bit as family is also really important to him and everyone knows the huge family problems I've been having......unfortunately he is also painfully aware. So I asked what I wasn't striking out on....what it was he liked. He said that I was a good girl with a good head on my shoulders, that I'm cute and fun, and that he can be himself around me. That's always a good thing.

So with that, there is something about Vrbas I'm really attracted to....not just physically but something else. I can't quite tell you exactly what it is. I guess the fact that I'm comfortable being myself around him, that he has a lot of the things I've looked for in a guy. I think if he just gives me a chance, gets to know me, he will know that I'm an amazing woman.

That still sounds so egotistical but it's true!! And it's hard to not believe when I've been told that a handful of times this break alone. My aunt, my friend Alyssa, my best friend Cord, Billy (Alyssa's friend from Estes that I happened to make-out with as well as stay up talking to for five hours about everything from relationships to God), Ray the electrician, and a guy that I talk to from time-to-time at the information desk have all told me how I'm a special person and can offer the world to someone. And I'm really starting to believe it. I know that I have a lot to offer someone, not just in general, but also whoever it is I decide to fall in love with.

Love. It's amazing to me. I think all too often it's taken for granted. I think people are taken for granted. I know that I have taken others for granted, others that I have loved and cared about deeply. I look back on my life and while I have always tried very hard to not take advantage of others (learning very early on how awful that felt). But I hate when someone takes love for granted. No every should. I never took Scott's love for granted, though I did take him for granted a few times. But love is one of those things that doesn't come around often, not true romantic love anyways. It's precious and should be held onto and treated with admiration and respect.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just blabbing....I'm not ready to go to bed yet though I probably should.

This Twilight Saga just has me thinking about love past loves, my future loves, and love in general. I've learned that my past has been crucial for where I'm at, how I view life and love, and how I will act on it in the future.

Right now I can honestly I yearn for romantic love. I am loved by my friends and family, but don't have romantic love. I by no means want to rush it or will rush it. I just yearn for it. We always yearn for what we don't have, but especially when it comes to that. But I'm very happy and content with where I'm at. I have learned to enjoy being single. It has it's drawbacks: sleeping alone (gosh I'm such a cuddler), lack of those tender kissing, no one to go to right away with news at the end of the day, that little hole in your heart that is waiting to be filled. But it has it's good points: learning to love who you are, the ability to grow as a person, no one to hold me back, no expectations, you CAN be selfish even if you aren't always, fostering friendships. And I am very content right now with all of that.

I've learned a lot what makes me happy these past few months: what really makes me laugh. At first I was really anxious and still get anxious when I have no one immediately to talk to and nothing to do. Which meant that I had to find contentment within myself with who I am and the ability to be alone. I wouldn't be working on that if I was dating someone. I would be preoccupied with them.

I've found what makes me laugh, not just laugh but really bring out those hearty laughs. My parents actually told me last week when I was there to keep it down, that when they went to bed I wasn't aloud to stay in the living room and watch tv.....simply because they knew I would be laughing....and apparently I laugh loud now. Which is very true. I've noticed my laugh comes from my gut anymore, and I enjoy laughing, and I enjoy life, so I laugh A LOT anymore. My laugh is loud, but it's sincere and genuine. And my dad couldn't deny that he didn't love hearing me laugh, even if it was at midnight because who DOESN'T enjoy hearing someone laugh heartily?! I know I do. A genuine laugh can make me laugh, no matter if I know what's going on or not.

In other news, Shelly and I took down the Christmas decorations today and cleaned our entire apartment. Rearranged the furniture. And it felt great!!! We spent all day yesterday reading our Twilight books together, we spent today together. We ran errands, cooked, talked, sang. She is a great roommate. Someone who doesn't judge me. She's a great friend. She makes me laugh. She is one of those friends, who God love her, isn't afraid to actually ask me to be a friend. She isn't afraid to ask me for rides to/from school or work, to ask me to turn the heat on in her room and who asks if I want some of the dinner she's cooking. We will text and ask what we're making for dinner, make plans together, and ask favors of each other. I love it!!! It makes me feel good when I have friends who are comfortable enough to ask for favors from shows a lot to me. Also friends who aren't afraid to just walk in my house and open my cupboards. I LOVE that!! hahaha

Anywho, I would love to keep writing BUT I really do need to get to bed as I have to work all day tomorrow. Vale! (Good night in latin)

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