Monday, September 29, 2008


Today is going to be a hard day. It's yet another day soon after our breakup but today marks the final slamming of the door on our relationship and ultimately friendship. Scott is bringing over all of my stuff and the things that "remind me of him". He will have permanently erased every aspect of me out of his life once he has done that. I'm ready in one sense for it but it's hard to know that in a few short hours I have lost a dear friend.

My body has been freaking out the past few days. My eating habits have gone by the way side. I am so hungry and exhausted from not eating enough but when I eat it makes me feel as though I need to puke and gives me a stomach ache. I've had a continual headache and I can't sleep very well. All because my mind is stressed. I can't get it to shut off and in turn it's affecting everything else. I know all things pass with time. But right now I'm waiting for that time to pass.

I have great friends though. I may not be too incredibly close to them all but I do have great friends. I just need to learn to lean on them now instead of Scott. I need someone to cuddle me and tell me I'm ok.

I know my Lord does that. I can feel it and he's kept in His arms the whole time. But the power of a real hug, a bear hug, is indescribable to me. Big warm snuggly hugs are my favorite and I guess I just need one now more than ever. Where is Mattie?! That girl gives the best snuggle hugs anyone could ever hope for.

I'm excited for the future but once again I find myself asking God "what now?" Sometimes I wish I could have even a rough draft of what the next year of my life would look like. Just so I can have a hint, a pathway to take.

I'm trying to remember what verse the pastor said in church yesterday morning that hit me. I can't even remember exactly what it said. It was Colossians and it made me feel comforted.

Lately I can't remember much. I'm overloaded and I equate it simply to like having Alzheimer's. You have the faint notion you remember something but you just can't remember to save your life, no matter how important it was. We'll see how my test in fifteen minutes treats me!! I'm sure I don't remember near enough to do well but I guess we'll see.

Alright I'm off.

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