Monday, May 17, 2010

Raw Emotions

Well I sit here....a tumblr of seems to happen every few weeks.

The first one anxiety because no matter how hard I work, I can't ever seem to stay afloat financially. Living off of less than $1000/month working my ass off really sucks sometimes. I feel like I can't ever get ahead. I wish I could. I don't know how people ever manage to save up or go anywhere but I can say that I can't imagine every living above the poverty line which is why I'm very thankful I have the option to live with my parents right now. I wouldn't be getting by very well if I couldn't live with them.

The second one is a sense of relief. It's summer and with summer you can just breathe easier!! Or is it just me that feels that way?! I don't know what it is but there's something about the warm weather and sunshine that's like a natural opiate for me. It gets me high as a kite and makes me silly with happiness. I won't apologize for that. It's my natural drug.

The third one is a sense of flying. I bought some new music off of itunes yesterday and it has me on a HIGH!! I got Armin van Buuren's Universal Religion 2008 and then finally copied his A State of Trance 2010 to cd's so I can listen to it in my car and it's like floating on a cloud nine. I have a sudden urge to take a roadtrip just to listen to the five hours of new music I have available to me. Unfortuantely I do not have a desire to spend that money on gas currently so that's going to have to wait until end of June....and hopefully by then I'll have a destination in mind.

The fourth is dreaming. I've been dreaming so much lately about how nice it would be do to so many things. They all involve money however so they won't ever happen in the near future. Once again, money just holds me back from so much....hence the anxiety over money. Crap. I hate money!! Seriously, I need to learn how to make some. Anywho, this summer I want to go on some adventures. I have some goals in mind that include workout goals, biking goals, personal goals, relaxation goals, financial goals....will I be able to attain them?! It's going to take focus and self-discipline...that's for sure!

The fifth is this weird bittersweet emotion. Eric and I are no longer dating in any sense of the word as I found out this last weekend. It's summer and the highs as well as the lows of last summer all involve around him and of course, the summer jams that still play from last summer sort of hit a sore spot as I found out when one came on. In one hand it's good. I'm no longer left with a half-holding-on feeling with him but I also find that I miss the friendship that I'm sure will disappate now that we aren't dating. We did a lot together....things that we both enjoy, that I really enjoy really, and right now they just hold a bit of a sour punch with them. Like biking. I lost my biking buddy....we were supposed to ride to Denver and back together this summer. Not gonna happen. My hiking buddy, not gonna happen. So now I have to either find other people to do this with....which it seems more and more of my friends are wandering away....or I do it on my own. Sad day. I feel like I shouldn't be admitting this but I was rather looking forward to sharing some of those things with someone who enjoyed them as much as I do. However, I also know that now I don't have to worry about whether or not he's going to let me down in doing these things. Things that I set aside for him that he probably would have waited til last minute to bail out on me. And I can push myself at my own pace and not worry about always having to be on the go or at his pace. But it's a fresh bittersweet feeling that is not the bittersweet feeling I like. I usually welcome any and all emotions but this one is one that I've never been a fan of.

The sixth one is one of excitement. There's so many opportunities out there that I don't know how to grab ahold of that are beckoning and it's sort of scary/crazy/anxiety-ridden. But it makes me excited to see what God is doing. I have no idea what God's doing in my life. I really feel more ahead but yet more lost than ever and I'm getting excited that it really can't go anywhere but forward and up from here. There's so much out there waiting....I just need to take it by the horns and run.

The seventh one is love. I'm loving my life. My life is not easy, it's hard at times, it's stressful, and there's never a lack of entertainment. But I love it. Dan and I were talking about how some emotions just suck....but unlike other people we welcome emotions and don't run from them. We embrace the passion that lies within us and all the intense emotions that come with it. I think more than others we open ourselves up to extremes of pleasure and extremes of disappointment....simply because we don't run from most things in life that others run from. We're not afraid to love nor to be hurt as a consequence. We're not afraid to really allow our guards down and to laugh with every inch of our soul....and then turn around and cry every single tear in our body dry. And I love that. I love the people who have proven they want to stay in my life and be there for me despite all the craziness that surrounds my life. I love the people who aren't afraid to tear down my walls and get to know the real me and love me despite all the imperfections they see. I love that I get to wake up and be completely unsure of my life and therefore have to shakily put all my trust in God, when I really have no idea what direction He is leading me. I have a shaky faith at times, I will admit that. I have a hard time asking for help or guidance.....but I try my hardest to put that aside and let God work through me and for me. I love the little blessings I get to see every day simply because I appreciate the small things in life. I love that I love people and find beauty all around me. I love that I'm usually optimistic and a tad goofy. I couldn't imagine being any other way. I love that passion is a huge part of my life and that I won't go down without a fight (sometimes this REALLY is not a good thing). I just love that I love and that it's something I value so much, as there's so many forms of love and it's the greatest feeling anyone could ever hope to feel.

There's so many raw emotions going through me right now. An endless amount of questions, hopes, and doubts that I can't even begin to put in words. There's so much I want yet so much I'm grateful for. There's so much I want to see and do, yet there's too much on my plate that I don't want there. There's not enough time to do the things I love and there's way too much time for the things that HAVE to be done. I have some fears yet I dream so ardently. It's a vast ocean of opposite and conflicting emotions for me right now.

Yet I sit here with a smile and an excitement to go upstairs and read my bible and listen to my music that makes my heart "fly". I sit here with fears for my future, with doubts that I can achieve what I want to achieve, yet with a belief that I'm meant for something great.

Raw emotions.....there's nothing that gets to the core of someone faster than a few contradicting raw emotions. Now the question is, how do I decipher these feelings, what do I do with them, and how much of them do I allow others to see/help me with?! Now that is the real challenge....

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