Monday, August 09, 2010

Oh my, how God provides!

Isn't it amazing how looking back you can always see how God has provided for you in EXACTLY the way you needed Him too, even when you thought you needed something a little bit different?!

My relationship with Britton is new and fresh and wonderful and is God-driven and I couldn't ask for more. We are learning each other and learning to be in a relationship. It's a healthy, supportive relationship in which we communicate very well. It isn't perfect in the slightest and neither are we. But it's real and loving.

My past relationships haven't been that way. I'm learning so much about how to be in a healthier relationship than I ever thought possible. I'm learning how to be open and vulnerable, and communicate my wants and needs. I'm having to learn how to be supportive and stand my ground all at the same time, and when it is necessary to do either. My latest lesson was learning how to be disappointed by something but learning to have grace and forgiveness when I was apologized to and asked for it.

I just finished up a journal in which I started in the beginning of January, around the time I asked Britton to step out of my life after getting to know each other because I needed to get some of my own stuff straight. I was struggling with a ton of stuff and was dating Eric. I couldn't consciously let myself keep developing feelings for Britton while dating Eric. But reading back through the entries, I found myself searching.

I need to be loved, as does anyone, but I was looking for a physical love. I thought that I needed love in the form of a relationship...and of course isn't it funny how I just wasn't finding that at all in Eric?! Yes I loved him....but he didn't love me. And it wasn't sufficient. But I was trying to make it work because I was trying to fill a need within myself.

Rather than letting God do His own handiwork, God who knows what I need even before I do, I tried to make something happen for myself. And honestly, I thought God was withholding the love I needed from me.

But rather God was filling the love I needed and craved and needed in a completely different area of my life; he was placing a physical love in my life that was more fulfilling and more rewarding than I ever could have hoped or dreamt it would be. And oh my goodness, how amazing it is that God knows me better than I know myself and was taking care of myself when I wasn't even asking Him to.

The love he placed in my life is a love deeper than the ocean and more pure than any love I have ever felt. It's so unconditional and natural, so pure and soothing, so vast and wide, and so infinitely rewarding. It's the love from a child; several children in fact.

I can look back and honestly say that while I've been ready for nursing school, God needed to build me up emotionally and mentally a little bit more. It was more imperative that He work on my heart so he has withheld that blessing from me so He could work methodically in me to give me exactly what I needed. He kept that door closed so that He could open the door of me working with my special needs kiddos. It is from working in the classroom as I did that I formed the bonds that I have formed with Ethan and Patrick, that has opened doorways for me to babysit other kids with special needs and form interwoven relationships with several families.

It is because he closed the doors for the time being on nursing school and romantic relationships that I was able to experience the amazing love and relationships with my kids.

Nothing can touch my heart as the smile and kisses from Ethan that are unasked for but so lovingly bestowed upon me. Nothing can make me feel so happy and blessed as to see Patrick and for him to instantly get a smile on his face and flap (his way of showing excitement) and for him to give me hug after hug and be my little shadow. To hear parents tell me that their kids love me and that I am good at what I do is the most rewarding part. For them to call me time after time to babysit and take of their precious little bundles that need a little move TLC, and to be able to go out on dates and have time for themselves because they entrust the well-being of these kids is must amazing.

God has so filled my heart with the love I needed when I was looking for it in all the wrong places but my goodness, looking back I can see EXACTLY what God was doing, when I wasn't even asking for help and was instead being obstinate and hard-headed, thinking I knew what was best when in fact we all know I didn't!

God keeps teaching me these lessons over and over and how dumb am I to not just learn that it's God who can do amazing things in my life?! And if I just have enough faith to trust Him, He will provide more than I could ever think I want and need and do it in exactly the way that is needed in my life.

Silly little girl.

And it's because of me learning these lessons and just letting God fill me up that I think he decided to place Britton back in my life. God has a timing for everything and boy do I need to just learn that lesson once and for all. He will provide and give me what I need, when I need it. No sooner and no later. And if I just have a little faith and a little patience, God will bless me more than I could ever ask for!

Thank you Ethan, Patrick and Kaitlyn for showing me a love more pure and rewarding than I could have ever imagined! Thank you to your families for making me a part of your family and getting to experience your beautiful, wonderful, amazing children! They have taught me so much about love and life :-) and thank you for letting me make a small difference. It's been so rewarding and life-saving....for my heart more than anything!

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