Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Running at 3/4 Speed

I've found that the older I get, the faster time seems to move.

This creates a problem....increasingly there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to, let alone what I WANT to. And it also leaves me feeling like circles mostly but running nevertheless.

Hence why I haven't even had a chance to purge my thoughts recently.

Well that's a lie, I bought a new journal to chronicle my deepest darkest thoughts that I just needed to purge.....mainly on the topics of my love live and inner struggles with confidence....but also as a form of therapy for those things. Even then I haven't had a chance to sit down in a few days.

So life has thrown a few curveballs recently.

The first one was the death of a family of Marshall's friends actually....who I viewed as an adopted younger brother. Though we weren't very close, we were close enough for his suicide to really throw me a jolt. I have come to love and be "sisterly" protective of all my brothers friends....and for the first suicide close to me to happen sorta sent my world upside down in a few areas.

The biggest thought that went through my mind was a sort of numbing and yet very sharp one thought and one thought only. For someone to commit suicide, they have to feel as though no one on this earth loves them enough for it to be worthy for them to stay around. And I can't imagine that. How terrible is that?! I can't even fathom it but for that I'm glad. But then again I know that even in my darkest moments that I have an amazing God who loves me, every single ounce of me, and is with me at all times. Ben didn't even feel that. How excruciatingly terrible.

It reminded me why "I Love You" is the most important phrase in my life. I can't say it enough and will never regret saying it. And I need to take every opportunity in my life to tell those I care about that I love them, even when I don't think it's being heard or will scare someone away. I have no idea when is my last day on this earth....nor does anyone else. I want others to know what I feel towards them. I don't want a guessing game left behind when I go....I want those around me to know that I love them. And in one area I have become very protective of that and it's towards Eric. He's scared of love and to hear he's loved....but it's part of me to say it even when he can't say it in return. So I don't shy away from it as often...I've said it a couple times to even him.

But I've found it's hard to be as open with my feelings with people in general right now. In Fort Collins, every one understood and it was natural. Here in Brighton, everyone lives trying to impress and in their own bubble....and any sort of affection almost makes people uncomfortable. What a sad thought. It shouldn't be that way.

And with that I can also say that it made me realize I've been denying the true depth of my feelings for Eric....even though we are not together, and still only dating. I still deny the depth of my feelings but at least I realize that they are deep. Not to mention deadly. I might really get hurt. But it's worth it. I'm not going to deny that I am in love with him. I'm just going to guard against best as possible anyway.

My kiddos are amazing!! I love working with them!! I have been doing my phlebotomy clinicals this week at Good Samaritan and I have severely missed their energy....though at the end of the day I'm definitely not as physically exhausted...just mentally. But I miss seeing their little progress' and I REALLY miss my little Patrick :-( I need a Patrick hug desperately. And I have to wait until Tuesday to get one. WAH!!

Through doing these phlebotomy clinicals I have realized a couple things. First is that I really don't like working too much with old people. I miss the energy of kids. It reaffirms that kids are a passion of mine. But it also reaffirms that the medical field is a place that feels natural. I'm not sure in what capacities I will end up in the medical field....I'm thinking I'll wind up in several areas throughout my life. But it's a place that works for me and is enjoyable and almost second nature.

I've also realized that I really hate being stuck inside all day. HA! Seriously it just sorta stinks!!!

And I've realized I AM NOT looking forward to getting least in the way that all of the people there get old....and I need to do everything I can to prevent it.

I'm learning a lot though. And I've experienced some cool things. Yesterday I saw a Code Blue (think E.R. and crash carts), I've seen a severed foot, massive quantities of blood (obviously as I am drawing it all day), and pieces of body tissue. The most interesting of which was the POC's (products of conception). In case that doesn't make sense it's basically the remnants of miscarriages. Very sad but very interesting to see. I got to see a tiny recognizable fetus that was about the size of half my forearm. It had all the features of a person with the tiniest fingers possible and a very oblong face....curled up....very peaceful. How sad for those families :-( Heartbreaking in fact.

But on the other spectrum I have got to see quite a few newborns as the mothers are feeding them (while I draw blood). They are so tiny and adorable and innocent. And I got to draw a lady in between contractions. That in itself was quite interesting. Very cool but sorta out-of-body-ish experience. HA! Fascinating.

And with all of that....I have to get up at 3am and my advil pm is kicking in. I have so much more to purge but my brain is literally shutting down currently. Another day on the grind tomorrow....hopefully I as good sticking people tomorrow as I did today :-)


A Lady Called Amy said...

i love you Nicole. Posts like this one remind me that even though we've only met in person once and never talked on the phone that i really enjoy you as a person. i feel connected to you because we share the same fervor for life. i'm glad God put you in my life, even if we're not physically near each other.

Nicole.Ann said...


One day we will be able to meet up again in person and share this fervor for life physically!!!