Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Through the smoke...

There's so much to talk about, so much I need to say, and so little much I want to pour out and not much that I will.

There is a fierce, intense battle that is going on in my heart right now. That goes down DEEP into my soul, to the very bottoms of all the cobwebbed doors I have kept hidden, all the wounds whose scars are terrible looking, and all of the things that I am normally very good at ignoring/denying/not dealing with.

But I guess I should start from what has been most prevalent in my life this past week. Diana was finally called home early this morning. And this is where I am conflicted. I don't like death, I'm not sure I know anyone who really likes it. However, I deal with death in a completely different way than some others do. Diana was one of my sisters in God, whose faith was remarkable. For that reason alone, I rejoice!! She is in heaven!! She was called Home, to be with our Savior and to rejoice with the angels for eternity. She is free from pain and suffering, from trials and sorrow. But let me reiterate this....she is HOME!! Maybe to those who feel comfortable on this earth, that might not make sense. But I can honestly say that while I can make anywhere comfortable and make anywhere my home, I have never really ever felt like anywhere on this earth is where I belong, is really completely my true home. Every place has always had a sense of being temporary. (Which by the way reminds me of Carrie Underwood's song "Temporary Home" and I would encourage anyone to listen to it.) So I rejoice for Diana. In some ways I'm a tad jealous. She is now in heaven, in perfection, in serenity and bliss. How awesome is that!!

*And side note: ever since I studied about the rapture, I have this vision of when Jesus comes back, He will bring His army....and those who have passed before will be made up in this army. And let's just say since that sermon I've had this really torn urge. I so want Jesus to come back while I'm on earth. But then again, I wish that I die before He does so that I can be a part of that army. I have no idea why but I think that would be the coolest thing ever to come back in Jesus "army". Ok side note over.

On the other hand I mourn. I never knew Diana but apparently she was this phenomenal woman....amazing, smart, beautiful, a heart no one else can possibly have, etc. So why did God call her home so early if she was so amazing and doing such great works on this earth?! Again though, I turn to the fact that she fulfilled her purpose...and well God is a selfish God, he desperately needed her as an angel in heaven to fulfill an even greater purpose. But still, experiencing death as a human is hard. The emotions are hard, and I think that even as much as people like to think I don't have a heart, my heart is bigger than I can express and the pain of losing such a dear woman goes even to the core of my heart. I mourn for her family. I love Cam, and I have already developed a soft spot for Zach and Dawson. I love the whole Hummell family. I love Drue. To see this whole family in pain grieves my heart. To know that those boys won't have their mom their for their first loves, their first dance, their first car, to introduce the love of their life to their mom, to have her kiss them on the cheek when they walk down the aisle, to have their mom pray with them every night and caress their cheek in those small simple moments....well let's just say that breaks my heart.

In short, Diana was called Home this morning...and for that I am choosing to celebrate in my own small way.

In other news, I threw myself whole-heartedly into my job today. I spent ten hours at work today. Participating in conferences, getting the room ready for our next unit, talking with parents, chit-chatting with my co-workers, getting ideas for new things for the children to learn. And it dawned on me that I will only be there for two weeks.

And I'm going to miss it. My work feels like home to me now. Work is the place where my insecurities go away....where I know I mean something to others, where I know that I'm good at what I do. Ok let's correct that. I'm pretty damn great at my job, especially considering I'm willing to learn and go above & beyond all the time, and I'm there for the kids. Work is where I feel comfortable. It's the place where I find I don't doubt myself all day and if I do, I find I do it in a way in which I can build myself and learn from where that doubt stems from. It's a place where I'm needed and wanted. A place where I can actually laugh whole-heartedly and cry in the same day with those around me. A place where I'm supported and encouraged, constructively criticized, and a place where I can pray with other women going through their own struggles. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have this place to go to five days a week. It's my safe-haven. It's where God blesses me and uses me. It's a place in which God teaches me and hugs me all in one day. It's the one place in my life where I feel God is actually showing me that I'm good enough to be used in some sort of manner to glorify Him and be blessed by the small blessings I get to experience every day.

The group of women I work with are nothing short of amazing. And I think that in all of the preschools in our school district, we are the best. And I get to be a part of that team. Me. Nicole Ann Carr. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself and be a part of this amazing thing. Which no one else but us in preschool realize the significance of being a part of what we are. We get to interact with and watch these amazing little personalities blossom. We can provide them a place where they are really cared for and our focus is getting them a great start in the world of education. We are all there for the kids, and nothing more. We laugh and we joke, we cry and we grieve, we play and we learn. Who else gets a work environment (no matter how much money we DON'T make) where they can say they love their jobs and their co-workers?!?! Genuinely. And who else gets to have such intimate conversations surrounding our faith as I get to with all of my co-workers?!?! Not many.

One trouble on my heart why is the Lord roadblocking my passion?! He put this intense, yearning desire to be a nurse in my heart. It's been there for years. I can taste it, I can see it, I can smell it, I can almost touch it. It's so close and yet so far. Just right out of my grasp. What am I doing wrong that God won't allow me a path to get into the career He out a passion in my heart for?! What am I not listening about?! What is it that I'm doing wrong?!

There are so many more intimate troubles on my heart....ones that consume me in so many ways....ways that make me doubt that I'm really made for greatness and for a great purpose. Things that make me doubt that my life is even important. Things that make me constantly fighting off this little demon called depression currently.

Yet I can say this....despite all these trials, and all these demons called insecurities haunting my mind, I can see just HOW MUCH the Lord has blessed my life. And I can also say without a shadow of a doubt that God answers prayers and He keeps His promises. It is only because of God that I am able to keep going day-by-day. I prayed asking Him for strength and He has given it. I can honestly say it is not me getting myself through everything I'm going through right now. I AM NOT that strong of a person. Yet God has been so faithful in being my support and strength and small sense of calm right now. That in itself shows me that God is blessing me.

Thank you Lord for being my rock, my stronghold, my Father Forever.

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