My heart is heavy and has been for quite some time.
Perhaps it's because I'm nieve and stupid, perhaps it's because I'm too trusting, perhaps just because of my desire to be loved by those around me. All I know is that my willingness to trust has left my heart shattered again. It has put punctured a hole so big in my heart that I'm left not sure how willing I will be to trust again.
It has left me asking questions like:
"Am I really not good enough to be loved the right way?"
"What is so wrong with me?"
"What is it about me that makes people think it's ok to take advantage of me?"
"Is this God teaching me lessons or is this Satan feeding me lies?"
"Why does everyone else get to feel what pure love feels like but not myself?"
This is the last week I will spend with Michele and the kiddos. I'm freaking out. The kids, their personalities, and the humor between Michele and I is what has kept me going. What am I going to do when I don't have that safehaven/distraction every day? How will I cope with not being at the one place that feels most like home for me? Am I going to completely fall to pieces, keep feeling the way I do, or will God allow some small blessing of hope to become available?
I do know that I need to hit the pavement hard trying to get a job...one that pays really well.
I can't stand being broke. I don't care how I got here at this exact moment....although most the time it sends me in panic attacks....but I do care that I can't afford to do anything. For two weeks I have been living off the kindness of other people and my family.
It has been so wonderful to me that my co-workers are amazing enough to buy me a lunch or bring me a meal. But how embarrassing is it when you have to raid the snack cabinet every morning for breakfast/lunch? Yes I live rent-free, in my parents house, and most people think "how do you not have food?" My parents don't keep foods in the house that are easy to take. The little amount of food that my parents keep stocked in the house is food that has to be prepared. And I have little time to do that it seems. My parents don't keep much food in the house other than the necessities anymore. And I won't ask my parents to buy me special foods or ask them to go buy groceries specifically for me as I do live rent free. There in itself lies the reason I am lift to pilfer the snack cabinet almost daily. How low have I sunk when I'm living off a cup of coffee and whatever else food that someone throws my way because I'm that broke?!?!
I've never felt so low about myself in my life. Between the insecurities, not having a "stable" job, and having to pilfer for food.
But I am blessed. I have a roof over my head. I have a family in good health, albeit one that seems to not really be that close anymore. I have a closet full of clothes. I have the blessings that are my kiddos for another remaining week. And I have a God who promises that He will carry me through this storm in my life. The storm seems as though it has no end in sight....but I have to believe that God is going to get me through it....because heavens knows, I can't get myself out of this mess that I've somehow gotten my life into.
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
I just pray that God shows His glory in all of this. Because it is only by God that I will weather this emotional battle that is going on in my heart and mind right now.