Monday, September 05, 2011

Who Are You?

I heard this question on a documentary I was watching the other night...who are you? What makes you uniquely you?

I'ven been wondering that a lot lately. I haven't really figured out how to say some of the things I know about myself. Most of that stemming to the fact that I often think in vividly-colored pictures/scenes and emotions/feelings. I don't think very much in words. I feel/see something that then have to make myself come up with words to put to it, sometimes very hard to do with my limited vocabulary. And I express so much better when "writing", whether by hand or via keyboard.

I think I'm still very much on that path of self-discovery, and have been for quite some time. I have some things that are just inherently me...loose definitions. I'm Nicole. I'm fun, positive, spunky, bright, optimistic, emotional, strong-willed, fiercely independent, God-fearing, lively, adventurous, a smartass, joking, singing, funky, caring, passionate, lover of life! But who am I?! I'm just me...lover of comfortable jeans and flip-flops, lover of God, lover of nature, hater of negativity, lover of adventure, crazy, wacky. I'm OCD, and slightly neurotic. I worry more than I ever let people know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really care! I long to find some place that I can finally fit in and not always be the oddball. I do want to be loved but don't seek it out as I don't think I deserve it. I underestimate myself quite a bit yet have a strong confidence in myself because I have to. I thrive in relationship with others, as I'm crazy social, yet somehow still a slightly natural introvert. I have a hard time applying a filter to my mouth (wearing the heart on the sleeve thing sorta gets in the way). I'm a great listener and I talk a lot. I love learning and am quite intelligent. I can't sit still to save my life, yet do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm a huge procrastinator yet very skilled at multi-tasking and quite efficient when I want to be. I can organize like no one's business. I am ridiculously observative of human behavior yet gullible and completely unaware of the fullness of my surroundings a good grip of the time. I am innocently naive of some parts of life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by lack of experience. I try to remain judge-free and open to everything and everyone (yes I fail sometimes). Yet I am very knowledgeable and understanding. I'm multi-faceted. I'm describable yet indescribable, and that's the way I like it. I'm complexly simple. I have a very wild heart, but one that's open to everyone in my life. I'm way too trusting and because of it am always very vulnerable (add in very loving and it's sometimes disasterous).

Again though, is that all that I am?! Certainly not. There's so much to me, that I can't even think of all that I am.

My brain never shuts off!! Quite literally.

And what makes me uniquely me?! There are other people out there that fit all of the above. I'm not the only one. So what makes me unique?! I guess you'd just have to get to know me to decide what it is that makes me unique....

But I'm constantly evolving. A few years ago I was me but I was a different version of me. Every day, every new event, is an opportunity to learn and grow. And because of that I'm constantly evolving. I'm constantly learning new things about myself and being challenged, pushed, questioned, and made to think outside of my comfort zone.

I would never have imagined in high school that I would be the woman I am today. I'm not surprised as I'm too damn bull-headed to let anything get in my way or get me down too terribly long...but I would never have thought I'd have the tenacity or gumption to do and say some of the things I do now. I wouldn't have thought I'd have learned to be social and how to have so much courage. Part of it is always having been dependent upon myself to get me where I'm going but it's pushed me through "growing pains" I wasn't quite sure how to get out of...still don't know how to get out of some of those times. But I just keep going and learning and growing!!

My life's to-do list has changed, my bucket list has expanded, and my goals/dreams have been altered slightly. They always will continue to evolve. As I grow and learn and experience, those things will become part of me, memories, lessons learned, wisdom gained, failures I've gotten up from, and successes that I've flown on.

Right now?! I'm the girl who's anxiously and excitedly headed to nursing school in a few months with dreams as vast as the sky about the opportunities that lay afterwards. Yet I'm still the girl who dreams of traveling the country in a wooden Jeep Grand Wagoneer, camera in tow, and maybe a cute loving man by my side (or the companionship of a dog, who knows). I still dream of traveling the world and falling in love with foreign lands, yet coming home to the wonderful state of Colorado and marveling in her beauty. I'm still the girl who never discredits that life can change in an instant and God's plans are greater than mine. I'll always fight "growing up" and "getting old"....age is just a number and growing up is for people who take life more seriously than they should. I'll always be too responsible yet balanced by the wild carefree side of me that continually says "fuck it" and does that crazy thing that leaves you scratching you head thinking "whelp, that was interesting".

Realistically I have no idea what the future holds and I don't want to plan it. I've always had some goal in mind but never a plans never work out anyway. I just want to be happy, I want to be me, and I want to constantly experience and take joy in life.

That's what we're here for. Joy, happiness, experiencing the beauty of God, and to help others/leave this world a little bit better than we found it. At least that's what I think.

For now I'm going to enjoy the relationships that are in my life, the opportunities I get and I'm going to make each day as joyful as possible. If I make others smile, I've done my job well.

Simply striving to live a beautiful life, passionately. That's who I am. That's all I've got figured out for now. But that's more than I had figured out even a couple years ago....

No comments: