Friday, September 16, 2011

Numbers, Pages

"See I'm all about these words, over numbers, unencumbered numbered words, hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words, more words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive..."
[Jason Mraz, You And I Both]

I think the words to this song just flat out explain my mood today.

I journal a lot, whenever I need to write and get things off my mind that have been there for awhile. I express my words best when I write...speaking for me provides some sort of dyslexic obstacle in which I find my mind working too damn fast and my mouth unable to adequately speak the words that most precisely express whatever it is that is sitting on my mind. I stumble upon my words and can't seem to get out what exactly it is I need to get out. Not to mention I look crazy as hell when I talk to myself so damn incessantly ;-)

Lately I've had a need to sit down and journal but I find when I sit down, a million thoughts spill out but no words are written. I don't know how to express the odd feelings I have inside that I need to splurge. I don't know how to adequately express the heartache and desperation that my heart feels right now, or the stress or anxiety, the nervousness and fear. Sure I just was able to write those words but the stories behind those words, the thoughts that are currently rolling around in my mind, are more intricate and filled with emotion than those words capture.

There's millions of thoughts and words, and they are all blocked by an obstacle I can't seem to quite get out of the way.

So many questions on my mind, with approximate answers but nothing that can adequately suffice these feelings, these thoughts. Enough to curb the edge but not enough to get to the core, the heat, the middle.

Life is so beautiful, yet so difficult right now. Nothing physically hard, that's for sure. Which is what makes the difficultness of it so damn...difficult. The difficulty is coming from within my mind, my lack of time, yearning, wants, needs, desires, dreams...and not knowing where to begin, how to make it happen, which direction to go.

On one hand I have some of these answered. The simple answer is I just want life to flow it's go in whatever direction that it does. The beautiful part of life is that it's a constant journey, one that goes with the ebbs and flows as rocks and boulders shift around, and the banks grow higher or lower. Beautiful creatures flow in and out, making waves or smoothing the ripples, and it goes on for great lengths until it opens to the mouth of a lake or ocean, an even more beautiful level of life with greater riches (and greater torrents).

What I'm trying to say is that I don't want a plan or need a plan, I don't want to have all the answers, all I want is to know that my life is going to be filled with beauty and passion. Which at this point I feel dumb because it's within my power to keep those there. Isn't it?! But sometimes, just sometimes, I get frustrated with where I'm at in life currently, and that I can't make certain things happen. I know we have to work our way up and work our way through, but dammit I want to know I'm not going to miss out on all the things I want to do or desire to do. Patience is a virtue but how long is the wait?!

There are a lot of things I long to see, feel, taste, do, experience. When will I get to do them?! How long do I have to keep waiting?!

I try to keep anxiety, worry, and fear at bay. Some days are just easier than others. Some days require a little bit more glucose to keep all things working.

I feel so alive; and I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for what exactly? And sometimes I do wonder, waiting for who?

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