Thursday, April 28, 2011


This week has been one of several crazy emotions for me.

I have hit rock bottom emotionally, given up on myself, cried my eyes out, and sunk into a deep depression. On the other hand I still have hope, have found enjoyment in some simple things and have even made a few people's days (well if we're being literal it would actually be nights) better.

I have found a little bit of enjoyment working the night shift. For four days/three nights I get to ignore the world. I get to keep myself surrounded in my job, in trying to focus on this new venture in my life that no one else is a part of (which is also semi scary and isolating at times) and I am forced to lose contact with most of my life. Which for me is wonderful. For that time I am not connected to anyone nor am accessible to my phone. And it's nice to disconnect from the world for awhile. I have floundered a little this past week but also found myself jumping in head first to try and learn all the new things that come with my job. While it can be overwhelming I am trying my best to focus and pick up on any little thing I can. I like feeling a part of a team, even if it's temporary and semi-transient.

Every other part of my life other than my job has proven to be too much for me to bear.

It has been hard knowing my family really doesn't care for me too much. Knowing that I am a burden on everyone else and not being what anyone else wants or needs me to be. I find myself yearning for my complete alone times alone and inviting as much time sleeping as possible. Sure signs to me that I'm sinking into a depression of sorts. I have long learned I don't yet have a niche in the world.

I struggle so much month to month just to pay the bills. leaving little to no free time, never getting ahead and always getting further behind. I am not quite sure what free time really looks like anymore. And when I do have free time I find it hard to find things to do as I have no money to afford anything...not even money to afford to go buy paints and canvas and the like to scrapbook or paint or make photo collages. I don't have time to go play with my camera nor time to work out (ok well in realisticness I have time for those but no means to do either most of the time). I feel like I struggle so much only to keep digging myself into a hole of semi-hopelessness.

And wow, don't I sound so damn emo and depressed?!

But I have to get it out. I don't know where else to go with this. It's just been building more and more inside of me.

My confidence is all but gone, my hope for having a future that I can do much of anything is diminishing and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to continue making it month to month. I guess in some ways I have lost a sense of hope and faith in a bright future for myself....just feeling so beat up and discouraged. I feel very alone and completely misunderstood. I have given up even trying to open up to those around me because really what can anyone do?! Who would want to do anything to help me out?!

The latest updates in my life:

The first is my home. My parents are re-painting the whole house. And putting it up for sale. Which has me severely depressed and anxious. If the house sells I will have to find my own place. And I can't afford my life as it is, especially with the upcoming costs of school. So I'm not sure how I'm going to afford a place of my own. But I have to find a way to somehow make it work. And I'm scared. Once again, part of why I feel like I just keep hitting walls. I'm not sure where to go from here. And my only safe place is no longer becoming my safe place as it has to be "show-worthy" and really my room is meant for my comfort, not for show...but now I have to start covering up my safe zone. I don't want to do that. My photos, my books, my stuff in my room is all I have. As materialistic as that sounds, everything is placed the way it is that makes me comfortable and now I have to take it all down and hide it and cover it up. So my safe zone is no longer mine. It's freaking me out.

The second is a wart. I have a wart on the bottom of my foot that I've ignored for about 8 months and it just kept getting bigger. So I finally ripped the top layer of skin off and start putting Compound W on it ...which worked! But it also made it open up into a hole that is approximately a half-an-inch deep in my foot. I went and got it frozen by the doc today. She said it's actually a pretty good sized wart (oh yay) and that it will take about 6 months for it to go away. Really?! So gross to me. If it was on anyone else I'd be fascinated. On me, it's like a violation of my OCD....I have a HOLE in my foot. That is housing a wart, complete with a root and other gross shit. ICK!! I can't wait for it to be gone. Between that and my acne breaking out again hardcore, I just feel like crap. Oh and the weight gain. I'm gaining weight like crazy again. Eating comfort food and having no time to set up a consistent workout schedule (and also unable to run or apply pressure to my foot because of the wart).

Lesson learned: freeze the damn wart IMMEDIATELY when it comes. Don't ignore it. At least I don't have to see this gross thing other than when I look on the bottom of my foot. ICK!

I have a project I want to work on. It's a canvas artwork. Not sure how to do it or if I can afford it but I'm going to try. Hopefully I can get to that next week after I'm done with my work week...we'll see what happens...

1 comment:

Bri said...

Hey you . . .

I know how you feel. Been there. Felt like I have no place no go and no way to get there anyway. Alone.

I understand.

I'm around if you ever want to talk . . .