Vulnerability

Vulnerable.

That's really how I feel right now. A few years ago, vulnerable wouldn't necessarily make me sit down and reflect. That was sort of just part of my inner wiring. Very vulnerable to others, vulnerable to the world, a lot of guards down. Now I sit here a little unused to being so vulnerable as I was before, and when that feeling hits, it causes me to pause for a second.

My vivacious mother, whom I love to death, decided to set me up on a blind date.

Ok let's backtrack for a second here. After my very tumultuous relationship with Britton, followed by a horrible dating experience dating last summer, I have turned my head the other way on dating. For several reasons in fact. For one I just got plain ol tired of always being hurt, taken advantage of, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with a draining relationship/dating experience. For two, my life was starting to rear up in a direction I had been working towards for a very long time. I went from struggling week-to-week financially to obtaining a job at DH I loved, but that took me away from social circles (it's kinda hard to keep a social calendar with friends when you work weekend nights). Then I got accepted into Regis and I started gearing up for the accelerated program. I had to finish a couple classes, get a ton of paperwork started, worked my ass off to try to get my prereq classes paid for (those were out-of-pocket), all while helping my mother to take care of my grandmother.

For me it just worked to have no interest in dating. There was simply too much going on.

Starting this program, it was a relief that I had no significant other, no children, no distractions, etc. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. For me that's what worked.

Have I wanted a healthy supportive relationship? Yes. Have I desired to have a companion? Yes. Do I want romance in my life? Yes. Do I long for a lasting love? YES!

Was I willing to date yet another douchebag? No. Was I willing to distract from my studies? No.

You see, all of my relationship/dating experiences have had pretty huge negatives. Because that was my experience, I felt it better to just not even give it a thought for quite awhile.

However, being 24, I'm already realizing how much smaller the dating pool is getting. Not necessarily in terms of numbers (though it is...a lot of people are getting married and starting families). Rather, I'm meaning quality. There's a reason a lot of people my age and a little bit older are single at this point, most usually, and it's usually not a good sign. There's another reason to not date. Trying to wade through that pool of potential suitors seems daunting when you know the reason they are probably still single is not of a desirable trait.

Alright so fast forward again, my mother decided that after almost a year-and-a-half of being single, and a year of me not looking at all for dates, and after a year of me professing (yet again....as I have always done when I'm single) that I'm not interested in dating, she set me up on a blind date.

Now hold on a minute....what?! Yes my mother set me up on a blind date. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when that would happen.Nor did I expect it. I came home to my mother getting lunch and she slide a number across the table at me. Jigga what?! Aw hell no! That was my first reaction.

Long story (and amusing for another time) short I gave this mystery man a ring, and we went on a first date.

Pure petrification. I don't think I've been that terrified in awhile. And that's saying something, because I'm pretty nervous and scared every day walking into work or class, not knowing what I will be facing taking care of another patient.

However, I wasn't petrified for too long. Joking, direct questioning, laughing, and some talking later, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

I got asked on a second date.

Pure nervousness and fear. Really?! He asked me on a second date?! Wow.

The reason I think I was so nervous the second time around is two-fold. He liked me enough to ask me to come out again. That shocked me, just because I wasn't expecting it. Also, it meant that with each time he asks me to see each other again, I become a little more vulnerable to him. That freaks me out. Because being vulnerable to others has gotten me in worlds of trouble.

That's not saying I'm going to flip my hard shell over and just be the belly-side of a starfish, begging to be preyed upon. But it does mean that the massive guards that I have slowly built up have to slowly come down. For the first time in a very long time, I might have to start letting someone in. Because it's who I am on the inside, past those walls, that someone wants to get to know, more than the superficial questions. That's a scary thought for me anymore. That includes an aspect of being vulnerable.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, rather facing a realistic possibility. It's really kind of exciting and enthralling really.

With the unexpected, comes the most beautiful experiences :-)