That's really how I feel right now. A
few years ago, vulnerable wouldn't necessarily make me sit down and
reflect. That was sort of just part of my inner wiring. Very vulnerable
to others, vulnerable to the world, a lot of guards down. Now I sit here
a little unused to being so vulnerable as I was before, and when that
feeling hits, it causes me to pause for a second.
My vivacious mother, whom I love to death, decided to set me up on a blind date.
let's backtrack for a second here. After my very tumultuous
relationship with Britton, followed by a horrible dating experience
dating last summer, I have turned my head the other way on dating. For
several reasons in fact. For one I just got plain ol tired of always
being hurt, taken advantage of, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with
a draining relationship/dating experience. For two, my life was
starting to rear up in a direction I had been working towards for a very
long time. I went from struggling week-to-week financially to obtaining
a job at DH I loved, but that took me away from social circles (it's
kinda hard to keep a social calendar with friends when you work weekend
nights). Then I got accepted into Regis and I started gearing up for the
accelerated program. I had to finish a couple classes, get a ton of
paperwork started, worked my ass off to try to get my prereq classes
paid for (those were out-of-pocket), all while helping my mother to take
care of my grandmother.
For me it just worked to have no interest in dating. There was simply too much going on.
this program, it was a relief that I had no significant other, no
children, no distractions, etc. I had no idea what I was getting myself
into. For me that's what worked.
Have I wanted a
healthy supportive relationship? Yes. Have I desired to have a
companion? Yes. Do I want romance in my life? Yes. Do I long for a
lasting love? YES!
Was I willing to date yet another douchebag? No. Was I willing to distract from my studies? No.
see, all of my relationship/dating experiences have had pretty huge
negatives. Because that was my experience, I felt it better to just not
even give it a thought for quite awhile.
24, I'm already realizing how much smaller the dating pool is getting.
Not necessarily in terms of numbers (though it is...a lot of people are
getting married and starting families). Rather, I'm meaning quality.
There's a reason a lot of people my age and a little bit older are
single at this point, most usually, and it's usually not a good sign.
There's another reason to not date. Trying to wade through that pool of
potential suitors seems daunting when you know the reason they are
probably still single is not of a desirable trait.
so fast forward again, my mother decided that after almost a
year-and-a-half of being single, and a year of me not looking at all for
dates, and after a year of me professing (yet again....as I have always
done when I'm single) that I'm not interested in dating, she set me up
on a blind date.
Now hold on a minute....what?! Yes my
mother set me up on a blind date. I honestly never thought I'd see the
day when that would happen.Nor did I expect it. I came home to my mother
getting lunch and she slide a number across the table at me. Jigga
what?! Aw hell no! That was my first reaction.
Long story (and amusing for another time) short I gave this mystery man a ring, and we went on a first date.
petrification. I don't think I've been that terrified in awhile. And
that's saying something, because I'm pretty nervous and scared every day
walking into work or class, not knowing what I will be facing taking
care of another patient.
However, I wasn't petrified
for too long. Joking, direct questioning, laughing, and some talking
later, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
I got asked on a second date.
Pure nervousness and fear. Really?! He asked me on a second date?! Wow.
The reason I think I was so nervous
the second time around is two-fold. He liked me enough to ask me to come
out again. That shocked me, just because I wasn't expecting it. Also,
it meant that with each time he asks me to see each other again, I
become a little more vulnerable to him. That freaks me out. Because
being vulnerable to others has gotten me in worlds of trouble.
not saying I'm going to flip my hard shell over and just be the
belly-side of a starfish, begging to be preyed upon. But it does mean
that the massive guards that I have slowly built up have to slowly come
down. For the first time in a very long time, I might have to start
letting someone in. Because it's who I am on the inside, past those
walls, that someone wants to get to know, more than the superficial
questions. That's a scary thought for me anymore. That includes an
aspect of being vulnerable.
I'm trying not to get ahead
of myself, rather facing a realistic possibility. It's really kind of
exciting and enthralling really.
With the unexpected, comes the most beautiful experiences :-)