Sunday, October 30, 2011

I am: enough. Enough: am I?

Why do I always seem to lose myself amidst the chaos? I've learned over and over again not to get too caught up in certain things, because when I do I start to lose myself. And then I find myself feeling a little lost again. But here I sit, and I find myself feeling a little lost, and I'm wondering why again this has happened. Sometimes it's mental.

I think part of it just has to do with being my age and being young. Because I feel it seems to be a theme for people my age. I think it's so easy to do when one looks at the expectations the world places on you, the expectations parents place on you, the expectations you place on yourself, and then allowing yourself to dream, and the extra little spice of life called reality that, though somewhat controllable, is always unpredictable.

Nursing school starts in 2 months. My anxiousness and excitement is remarkable. But also remarkable is the amount of self-doubt and self-questioning that always seem to make their way in. My biggest fear?! Failure. Although can I really fail?!

To head my own advice yesterday at work: I'd rather swing and strike out, then never step up to the plate at all. So why is my fear of stepping up to the plate so intense right now? Why do I always doubt myself so? I think my low batting average might have something to do with that. But my batting average can't get better if I simply allow myself to not step up to the plate.

Part of it is wanting to find my niche, in some way shape or form. I feel on a large part I don't have a niche, a place, a purpose. I'm looking for something to be my niche. And I know that they say when you stop looking for something is about the time you find it. But why stop looking? That somehow translates in my brain to give up hope and to stop caring, to become complacent. And that's exactly what I don't want to be.

I want to be happy. I want to be passionate. I want to love.

Besides that I don't know what I want. But I do know that I yearn to be enough, I yearn to be good. I yearn to shine. I yearn to be noticed. I yearn to be missed and important.

And in a lot of ways I don't feel that. And my fear is that nursing school will once again be one arena where I don't find a niche, find a way to be good, to be enough, to be important.

Or do I just constantly expect too much of myself?

Work, while I love it, has me jaded. It never ceases to amaze me how many people hate their job. And when everyone hates their job or is so glum it brings me down. I'm jaded on the attitude others have about being at work. Work is a large part of my life, because I have not much time to socialize with others and am broke, it's where I receive most of my interaction anymore outside of family. So when it's negative, that's weighty. I'm jaded on co-workers who aren't positive. And I'm jaded on the manipulation and negotiation that has come with my psych patients the past two weeks. It's tiring. And right now. I'd just like to take care of and give to someone who isn't out for some alterior motive, who isn't trying to take advantage of me, and be quick to be accusatory towards me and make simple basic care so damn difficult.

I've noticed I give so much of my energy to my surroundings, but have such a small supportive system, that I don't get positive energy fed back to me. Friends have become very distant lately, my family has so much stress and other focuses, and my social interaction comes from co-workers. I'm not being fed. The past couple weeks have been strenuous. And I'm not being given into, and all the while, giving my energy to others. I need to be filled. And I'm not.

It's become difficult. I just need some rejuvenation, support and reassurance.

But maybe I just need to find a way to pull that from within and stop whining.

It's my goal this next month to focus on myself and get myself not so lost. To become confident with where I'm at and not at once again. To come back to center and try to calm my nerves before the next crazy year I'm about to ensue on. Build up my confidence reservoir.

I am: enough.

However on a positive note, my brother and sister-in-law are expecting. I will be an aunt in June. Hopefully I can be a great aunt! Jenni wants me to be at the birth to photograph the experience. I pray that God will allow me that small miracle to be there so that I can partake in that blessing. We'll see what happens!

So much more on my mind, but for now I'm going to immerse myself in an old guilty pleasure I haven't immersed myself in for quite awhile. Since Halloween is tomorrow, I'm going to fall asleep to a horror movie. Old nightmares, is it time we say hello again?!

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