Thank God for the beautiful messages that come through Christian music. Today on the way to Greeley and then to Brighton from Greeley I was listening to 89.7 which is a Christian rock radio station. Lately the beat, pulse, rhythms and loudness of rock music is touching my core.
I love all sorts of music. For the past couple years it's been a lot of country and folk/acoustic/soul. In high school and the first year or so of college I was crazy into alternative rock. I didn't listen to hardly anything other than 93.3, which is the local alternative rock station. Right now rock is just allowing me the expression of the restlessness inside. I can blast it and it's like some of the tumultuous feelings inside start to subside.
The messages in Christian rock though remind me of God's love and grace and how I need to just keep relying on God. Like Barlow Girl "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this by myself, I can't do this, I can't do this, Oh God I need Your help." There was a new Skillet song I heard today that I really loved. Just great songs all the way around.
I'm sending out a shoutout though. I got some Skullcandy earbuds and I normally don't like them (my ears are too small). But these earbuds you can adjust and they are actually comfortable and I love them. Go get yourselves a pair....great investment :)
This whole Scott and breaking up and losing my best friend is apparently starting to show on my face to no extreme. My grandma keeps remarking on it, everyone asks if I'm tired, what's wrong. I'm expecting someone to sit me down and say "tell me your thoughts" in a psychologist sort of way.
My brothers have been offering comic relief though. I love them to death. Earlier Marshall had me laughing up a riot. I love that kid for his comedy in times of need. We did the car shuffle in our driveway and when my brother pulled my mom's car in the garage, he decided to pull a prank. He took the shelf sitting next to the garage wall and shook it really hard to mimic something hit it and my dad came running out. Man the look on his face was priceless :) We probably shouldn't pull pranks like that but we couldn't resist it! This is why they call us shitheads.
Here's what my heart feels right now: I've lost a best friend. It hurts like hell. .I love Scott. But I'm not sure in what way.....in the sense of friend or still other than friend. I miss him. But I feel like I need to move on. I need to just let my heart mend. I like Brian. I have no idea what that means at this point in time. Am I just playing with my heart and the hearts of others because I don't know what the heck is going on?! I'm learning who I am. What I want. What I need. Is Scott that?! Is Brian that?! Dude, I have no idea.
What do I do about school?! Man I'm so tired of school right now and it's reflecting in my grades and the effort put forth. I'm paying thousands of dollars but I just don't care right now. A large part of that could be because I know this isn't my ultimate life goal. But what does that say about me always trying my best at everything?!
I need to get out. I know I say that but I do. I don't know why I don't. I would be happier. I would probably get more in touch with myself as a person. I would learn more about God. I guess right now I'm just hesitant because my emotions have me ultimately worn down.
Tyce is running and talking and has the biggest smile. He was saying "Hello" into the cell phone earlier. Then we count "one, two...." and he really cutely and with the biggest grin goes "THREE!" And of course he dances!! It's absolutely adorable. He's such a cutie :) Here's Tyce in his costume.
Ok I think I'm finally done for today. I might write more later if I need an outlet. We'll see. If not, bon nuit.
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