I am: enough. Enough: am I?

Why do I always seem to lose myself amidst the chaos? I've learned over and over again not to get too caught up in certain things, because when I do I start to lose myself. And then I find myself feeling a little lost again. But here I sit, and I find myself feeling a little lost, and I'm wondering why again this has happened. Sometimes it's mental.

I think part of it just has to do with being my age and being young. Because I feel it seems to be a theme for people my age. I think it's so easy to do when one looks at the expectations the world places on you, the expectations parents place on you, the expectations you place on yourself, and then allowing yourself to dream, and the extra little spice of life called reality that, though somewhat controllable, is always unpredictable.

Nursing school starts in 2 months. My anxiousness and excitement is remarkable. But also remarkable is the amount of self-doubt and self-questioning that always seem to make their way in. My biggest fear?! Failure. Although can I really fail?!

To head my own advice yesterday at work: I'd rather swing and strike out, then never step up to the plate at all. So why is my fear of stepping up to the plate so intense right now? Why do I always doubt myself so? I think my low batting average might have something to do with that. But my batting average can't get better if I simply allow myself to not step up to the plate.

Part of it is wanting to find my niche, in some way shape or form. I feel on a large part I don't have a niche, a place, a purpose. I'm looking for something to be my niche. And I know that they say when you stop looking for something is about the time you find it. But why stop looking? That somehow translates in my brain to give up hope and to stop caring, to become complacent. And that's exactly what I don't want to be.

I want to be happy. I want to be passionate. I want to love.

Besides that I don't know what I want. But I do know that I yearn to be enough, I yearn to be good. I yearn to shine. I yearn to be noticed. I yearn to be missed and important.

And in a lot of ways I don't feel that. And my fear is that nursing school will once again be one arena where I don't find a niche, find a way to be good, to be enough, to be important.

Or do I just constantly expect too much of myself?

Work, while I love it, has me jaded. It never ceases to amaze me how many people hate their job. And when everyone hates their job or is so glum it brings me down. I'm jaded on the attitude others have about being at work. Work is a large part of my life, because I have not much time to socialize with others and am broke, it's where I receive most of my interaction anymore outside of family. So when it's negative, that's weighty. I'm jaded on co-workers who aren't positive. And I'm jaded on the manipulation and negotiation that has come with my psych patients the past two weeks. It's tiring. And right now. I'd just like to take care of and give to someone who isn't out for some alterior motive, who isn't trying to take advantage of me, and be quick to be accusatory towards me and make simple basic care so damn difficult.

I've noticed I give so much of my energy to my surroundings, but have such a small supportive system, that I don't get positive energy fed back to me. Friends have become very distant lately, my family has so much stress and other focuses, and my social interaction comes from co-workers. I'm not being fed. The past couple weeks have been strenuous. And I'm not being given into, and all the while, giving my energy to others. I need to be filled. And I'm not.

It's become difficult. I just need some rejuvenation, support and reassurance.

But maybe I just need to find a way to pull that from within and stop whining.

It's my goal this next month to focus on myself and get myself not so lost. To become confident with where I'm at and not at once again. To come back to center and try to calm my nerves before the next crazy year I'm about to ensue on. Build up my confidence reservoir.

I am: enough.

However on a positive note, my brother and sister-in-law are expecting. I will be an aunt in June. Hopefully I can be a great aunt! Jenni wants me to be at the birth to photograph the experience. I pray that God will allow me that small miracle to be there so that I can partake in that blessing. We'll see what happens!

So much more on my mind, but for now I'm going to immerse myself in an old guilty pleasure I haven't immersed myself in for quite awhile. Since Halloween is tomorrow, I'm going to fall asleep to a horror movie. Old nightmares, is it time we say hello again?!

Who Are You?

I heard this question on a documentary I was watching the other night...who are you? What makes you uniquely you?

I'ven been wondering that a lot lately. I haven't really figured out how to say some of the things I know about myself. Most of that stemming to the fact that I often think in vividly-colored pictures/scenes and emotions/feelings. I don't think very much in words. I feel/see something that then have to make myself come up with words to put to it, sometimes very hard to do with my limited vocabulary. And I express so much better when "writing", whether by hand or via keyboard.

I think I'm still very much on that path of self-discovery, and have been for quite some time. I have some things that are just inherently me...loose definitions. I'm Nicole. I'm fun, positive, spunky, bright, optimistic, emotional, strong-willed, fiercely independent, God-fearing, lively, adventurous, a smartass, joking, singing, funky, caring, passionate, lover of life! But who am I?! I'm just me...lover of comfortable jeans and flip-flops, lover of God, lover of nature, hater of negativity, lover of adventure, crazy, wacky. I'm OCD, and slightly neurotic. I worry more than I ever let people know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really care! I long to find some place that I can finally fit in and not always be the oddball. I do want to be loved but don't seek it out as I don't think I deserve it. I underestimate myself quite a bit yet have a strong confidence in myself because I have to. I thrive in relationship with others, as I'm crazy social, yet somehow still a slightly natural introvert. I have a hard time applying a filter to my mouth (wearing the heart on the sleeve thing sorta gets in the way). I'm a great listener and I talk a lot. I love learning and am quite intelligent. I can't sit still to save my life, yet do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm a huge procrastinator yet very skilled at multi-tasking and quite efficient when I want to be. I can organize like no one's business. I am ridiculously observative of human behavior yet gullible and completely unaware of the fullness of my surroundings a good grip of the time. I am innocently naive of some parts of life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by lack of experience. I try to remain judge-free and open to everything and everyone (yes I fail sometimes). Yet I am very knowledgeable and understanding. I'm multi-faceted. I'm describable yet indescribable, and that's the way I like it. I'm complexly simple. I have a very wild heart, but one that's open to everyone in my life. I'm way too trusting and because of it am always very vulnerable (add in very loving and it's sometimes disasterous).

Again though, is that all that I am?! Certainly not. There's so much to me, that I can't even think of all that I am.

My brain never shuts off!! Quite literally.

And what makes me uniquely me?! There are other people out there that fit all of the above. I'm not the only one. So what makes me unique?! I guess you'd just have to get to know me to decide what it is that makes me unique....

But I'm constantly evolving. A few years ago I was me but I was a different version of me. Every day, every new event, is an opportunity to learn and grow. And because of that I'm constantly evolving. I'm constantly learning new things about myself and being challenged, pushed, questioned, and made to think outside of my comfort zone.

I would never have imagined in high school that I would be the woman I am today. I'm not surprised as I'm too damn bull-headed to let anything get in my way or get me down too terribly long...but I would never have thought I'd have the tenacity or gumption to do and say some of the things I do now. I wouldn't have thought I'd have learned to be social and how to have so much courage. Part of it is always having been dependent upon myself to get me where I'm going but it's pushed me through "growing pains" I wasn't quite sure how to get out of...still don't know how to get out of some of those times. But I just keep going and learning and growing!!

My life's to-do list has changed, my bucket list has expanded, and my goals/dreams have been altered slightly. They always will continue to evolve. As I grow and learn and experience, those things will become part of me, memories, lessons learned, wisdom gained, failures I've gotten up from, and successes that I've flown on.

Right now?! I'm the girl who's anxiously and excitedly headed to nursing school in a few months with dreams as vast as the sky about the opportunities that lay afterwards. Yet I'm still the girl who dreams of traveling the country in a wooden Jeep Grand Wagoneer, camera in tow, and maybe a cute loving man by my side (or the companionship of a dog, who knows). I still dream of traveling the world and falling in love with foreign lands, yet coming home to the wonderful state of Colorado and marveling in her beauty. I'm still the girl who never discredits that life can change in an instant and God's plans are greater than mine. I'll always fight "growing up" and "getting old"....age is just a number and growing up is for people who take life more seriously than they should. I'll always be too responsible yet balanced by the wild carefree side of me that continually says "fuck it" and does that crazy thing that leaves you scratching you head thinking "whelp, that was interesting".

Realistically I have no idea what the future holds and I don't want to plan it. I've always had some goal in mind but never a plan...my plans never work out anyway. I just want to be happy, I want to be me, and I want to constantly experience and take joy in life.

That's what we're here for. Joy, happiness, experiencing the beauty of God, and to help others/leave this world a little bit better than we found it. At least that's what I think.

For now I'm going to enjoy the relationships that are in my life, the opportunities I get and I'm going to make each day as joyful as possible. If I make others smile, I've done my job well.

Simply striving to live a beautiful life, passionately. That's who I am. That's all I've got figured out for now. But that's more than I had figured out even a couple years ago....

Wild Hearts, Blue Jeans, & White T-shirts

"And I'll love you forever if I ever love at all, with wild hearts, blue jeans and white t-shirts..."
[The Gaslight Anthem]

I discovered the wonders of this band called The Gaslight Anthem this past week...a New Jersey punk rock band. Wow, amazing. I totally recommend them! I don't know how I've never discovered them before now but their music has just wrapped up my soul this past week.

I also listened to an EP I was given about a year ago by a friend. It's a group by a band called The Black Keys. I've loved listening to the sound of punk rock and classic rock lately. I think it's just sort of reminding me to be free, to be young, to be passionate, to be careless and responsible, to take joy, and to love that I'm the strong-emotion-feeling vibrant young woman that I am.

Yesterday I spent the day with two of my good friends, meeting up for coffee at one of my favorite haunts right now in Denver, Paris on the Platte. I've become an avid coffee-shop-goer. again..well always have been but now that I live in Denver 2/3's of the week I can actually partake in my love of LOCAL coffee shops. I refuse to support Starbucks if at all avoidable, especially because it's a nationwide money-guzzling cookie-cutter corporation and doesn't have the raw, genuine, come-as-you-are atmosphere of local coffee shops. Call me hipster or granola. I'd rather support those around me, those who are themselves, and the thriving atmosphere of a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop than a giant corporation who sucks us into some sort of definition of what it means to be a coffee drinker. I love seeing the people who come in and out of local coffee shops, the flaming and uninhibited personalities, as opposed to the stuffy image-driven people who haunt Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, and Dazbog. Not to mention, I love when the person behind the counter at Starry Night accidentally scorches my soy latte or the gentleman at Wild Boar recommends his favorite concoction of chai and doesn't charge me extra for the mixture of three different chais...and then proceeds to make a beautiful art picture in my foam! I just love the feel of something unique and genuine.

We met up, had some coffee (and I divulged in a delicious bagel and Noosa yogurt) for breakfast and then headed to go wander through Taste of Colorado. It was fun to frolick and admire some of the workmanship of vendors in Colorado and different things they make/create. Once done we headed to go walk the 16th Street Mall, in search of something to drink. We happened into Starbucks so they could get some iced teas (I simply got a cup of free water) and then sat down to people watch. One of my all-time favorite pastimes!! We somehow got onto the conversation of how we define each other. Sheree is the dramatic party rock girl. Britt is the typical girl-next-door, minus her sexual prowess. And me, well I don't know how to describe myself. I asked them what I was...and after a few seconds I was defined as the "happy, free and wild spirited, traveling, adventurous, laughing, care-free, slightly hippy girl".

I'll take it!!

I posted the above song lyric as my facebook status (because I refuse to actually post where I'm at, what I'm doing, or anything revolving drama, feelings, etc as a status...I just stick to uplifting quotes, random song lyrics, or occasional happy big-life updates), and Britt's response "I love this. It's so you :-)".

I think it is so me. I love people, I love life. I love love. I love wearing my comfy jeans, being laid-back. I don't ever want to strictly fit into a mold. I love being happy and making life more positive and fun for others. And I have a wild, adventurous heart. I don't wish to ever change that! Rather find someone who's just the same who wants to experience life alongside of me.

Hmmm....let's see what God has in store for life in the next few months...and where I'm at emotionally, mentally, physically, etc....

Until then, I'll get back to listening to wonderful music, drinking my chai, diving into the world of bioethics, reading NPR.org, and dreaming of the days that I can frolick this earth experiencing all the wonderful people and places in it :-)

It's All About The 'Tude

Here I sit at work and I realize the power of one's attitude.

Well I've always realized that, which is why I've always tried to have a more positive, uplifting, and supportive attitude towards life and others. But right now, its' importance is proving beyond significant.

But the power of one's attitude can have such a tremendous effect not only on your day, the flow of your day, but also on the flow of others, their attitudes, and the effects it all has on their entire day.

Though I don't possess enough power to always make someone's day who is determined to just have an awful day and piss poor attitude, I am realizing more and more how important and how powerful a positive attitude can have.

And also the power of an awful attitude.

I hate excusing rude and bad behavior. There is not excuse for it. But I know most others do...often stating "That's just how so-and-so is". However, make no excuses people. There's no excuse for others to just totally be rude and bitter and awful.

I may not know all the answers in my job and I might slow others down...but really I have been praised for my willingness to help others and my positive attitude. I love making other people's day and trying to help support them in everything that they do! Why aren't others this way?! It's so powerful.

For example, I might flub up in my job as ward clerk but my willingness to say "Thank you" and "Please" and "You're Welcome" to all the nurses, patients, and doctors has a powerful effect. I hope it makes them all feel appreciated. And my willingness to smile, help out, and figure out a situation rather than brush it off.

One clerk said "I have the power to make or break your day." Really, I can make or break anyone's day. But why would I ever want to boast that?! I don't ever intend to use that power maliciously, only in a positive manner and I wish others had that same attitude....to make everyone else's day!

Attitude: so important and so powerful. I hope it's being used in positive and supportive ways...not the opposite.