I see the light!!!

Today is the first day that I have been able to wake up and enjoy the sunlight in four weeks, and baby am I really loving it! Of course I have four night shifts this next week but this weekend I get to enjoy a little of that wonderful Vitamin D :-)

And in other ways I am seeing the light. I am seven weeks away from graduating. Eight weeks from nurse pinning. While they are a jam-packed seven weeks, I am finally close enough that the end is a small beakoning light on the distant shore leading me in. What a wonderful feeling that is!! Although I have no idea what life holds after that.

The thought of being an RN is a wee bit closer, a wee bit more realistic, and I can say though the last year has been painful, I'm starting to see the pay off!! 

Avett Brothers on the Rocks

As of late, most of my time is occupied by nursing school related activities or work. In those rare moments that I have "nothing to do" (aka nothing pressingly due right at THAT moment) I find myself catching up on sleep and recharging my batteries.

Along with that, I've been trying to come back to my center, to regain site of parts of myself that are lost when everything is so overwhelmed with this program. I've been trying to focus on being grateful, thankful, and enjoying the present.

While I can't say I thoroughly enjoy most of my life right now, I'm trying to love the moment that I'm in, and cherish it for what it is.

It's a huge work-in-progress. Looking within myself and meditating on many things is quite a huge task at hand, but it's one I'm working on, baby step by baby step.

With that said, I bought tickets to go see The Avett Brothers last night at Red Rocks. I've never watched them perform but was tantalized with comments from Memphis (one of the roomies) that their persona on stage is insurmountable. Thoroughly excited to head to the beauty of Red Rocks and spend the evening sipping wonderful craft beer with a great friend and enjoying beautiful, wonderful music under the brilliance of the sky.

Up first was a band called City and Colour. Wow! Great music! Halfway through one of their songs the crowd started to clap and go wild...looking over to our left, there was a man who waited for one of their particular songs (a love long, of course!) to drop down to one knee and propose. The warmth and love that flowed from the crowd was just amazing, and watching that happen, brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I LOVE love :-) The band finished playing the song instrumentally while the proposal was going on and then congratulated the two, dedicating the next song to them. Of course she said yes ;-) What a beautiful reminder of the goodness of life!

After City and Colour, the stagehands starting setting up....and one of the most wonderful things happened. It started raining. For 10 minutes, I sat in my seat, and got soaking wet. A feeling of angst and dread came over me. I hate being wet, my makeup was running off, and my hair was destroyed. Being at a point in life where I'm not happy with myself physically, I felt anxiety as the rain washed away my outer layer to expose the insecurity that lay beneath. But after about a minute of rain, I remember a conversation I just had a few days ago with a friend (of whom I actually don't remember who it was!). The friend said something about learning to let go, let God, and instead of running from the rainstorms in life, to enjoy that moment and let it flow and cleanse us. So I sat, and let the rain take away my outer layer of confidence and cleanse my soul. And it was painful. So very painful. I won't lie. And while I didn't quite dance in the rain...I tried to enjoy the moment, that rawness, the beauty, the purpose, and even the "pain".

What a beautiful way to strip me down before the show!

And not much later, The Avett Brothers came on.

Passion. That's how I would describe their performance. Imperfectly beautiful. Emotional. Raw.

The atmosphere, the songs, the lyrics, the energy, the passion, the love...I needed it all. And I soaked it in. I enjoyed watching the band let emotions take over and direct the show, enhance the energy, and shower the audience with love and gratitude.

So beautiful. So what my soul needed.

To let music, and passion, take over again, last night, was exactly what I needed.

I was reminded of my belief in true love and the hope for romance, reminded of how much passion should direct what is my life, reminded me of the beauty of imperfections, and started to heal over some of the heartache and longings on my soul.

Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Love

keep your head up. keep your love.
|The Lumineers|

Yesterday was a pretty great day at work. Though this might seem odd to some people, work is my reprieve in a lot of ways. It's a safe place for me. A place where people know me for my smile, my optimism, my humor, my excitement, and my wackiness. It's a place where I can joke and be passionate, all at the same time. While it's in a different manner than when I was working with my kiddos, it's still a place where I can be parts of myself that I haven't been able to be anywhere else for quite some time.

One of the most treasured aspects of my job is getting the chance to relate to my patients and to be their caregiver and advocate during some of their most vulnerable times. Even when I was working with prisoners, when one is sick one is in a very vulnerable position that brings out the best and worst in people. It's a time when we are seen stripped to the bone, quite literally (and figuratively), and the true meat of humanity can come out.

I enjoy taking care of others, so immensely. It's just built into how I am wired. And none more so than the most vulnerable. Those with special needs. A protective and caring nature comes over me.

Most especially, those with cerebral palsy. A huge contributor to that was my little Ethan. But more so, I came to really understand those with cerebral palsy and came to understand the brilliant, normal people behind the spasticity.

Yesterday at work, we had a patient there who had cerebral palsy. He's been there for a couple of weeks now apparently, but since I haven't worked the floor I haven't even known he was there. When I walked in to help my fellow HCT, I found out very quickly he had CP and automatically all my natural instincts kicked in. I found myself automatically protective and advocating for the best of care for him, helping Diane to get him cleaned up and into the chair, then encouraging him to come out in the hall and spend some time with us nurses (it was a slower day so it was possible to spend some time talking with him)! However, I soon came to understand just how much my heart gets wrapped up in my patients rather quickly. Case in point: when asking the charge nurse whether he could sit by the nurses station with us (which is encouraged in our nursing program), our charge replied with a short and curtly answer, of which I automatically walked off because I know the propensity of my mouth to not have a filter when opened.

I realized that I had to ask Diane to check me if I got out of line, as I realized that my heart was already too much involved with this one patient.

However, it got me to thinking: this is what is going to make me a great nurse. The ability to relate to, connect with, and then become an advocate for my patients. That's what nurses are right?! Not just caregivers but advocates for the best of care.

I realized my heart is already poured into my job, but I realized that's not a bad thing, it just means I'm going to have to find avenues and ways of making sure I maintain professionalism and my sanity when the going gets tough.

So keep your head up, gal!

Far from what I once was....

"Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be..."

Sometimes when I finally stop to take a moment at where I'm at, I look back and am amazed at what's behind me and where I am. Sometimes that amazement is a good thing and other times it leaves a heaviness in my heart.

Both can accurately be said when I stop and look back at several steps behind me. When I look back to a couple years ago, I'm amazed at where I am and who I have become. There have been some huge hurdles and tribulations to say the least. Events that I never imagined would happen to me have left me stunned and weakened, and blessings I couldn't fathom have blossomed from piles of ruins. Lessons have been learned, my heart has been shattered, and I am all the stronger for it. On the other hand, I look back with sadness at those times because of the "jaded scars" they have left behind on my soul.

When I look back to a year ago, I feel triumphant (and scared) that I am finally chasing dreams. Goals are no longer being talked about, they are IN THE MAKING! For awhile I doubted I would ever actually be doing and not just talking about. I also feel sadness as the amount of hope and faith I had at that time was so strong, stronger than it is now oddly enough (I hate admitting that).

When I look back to right before I started this program, I look back in longing. I have been headed down a slow path of losing sights of small bits and pieces of myself.

Little did I know that in chasing my dream of becoming a nurse, sacrifices of my heart and identity would have to be made.

"It's a means to an end" my mother has always said and I've always hated that quote. Because when one believes in that line, one can also dangerously fall into a trap of always being in the mean, searching for the end, and can sacrifice the journey and happiness of that journey along the way.

Nursing school has been intense. I think the accelerated program was a great choice, and horrible all at the same time. One year folks. That's not that long right?! 15 weeks. Meh that's nothing right?! Wrong. That's the amount of time it took me for finally dive into losing a good grip of balance and of my identity. That 15 weeks of pure sacrifice, where nothing but nursing school was all that existed, were enough to throw me into a tailspin. One I'm finally just realizing that I've been in.

What makes me tick?! What makes me thrive?! Social interaction. Though I might be a little shy at times, and a tidge socially awkward, I thrive on relationship. I thrive on positivity, humor, happiness, welcoming souls. I find so much beauty in this world, and in the small things. The joy and hope and faith that can be found were so vital to me. Love, the most important of all. Kindness.

I found that when I left working with my preschoolers to dive into the "real world" and working at Denver Health I left behind a huge part of myself. You see, kids just naturally are so vibrant and joyful. It's time and heartaches that jade that away from people. Naturally adults are lackluster in these arenas, a great majority of the time.

That's ok though. Your attitude is what makes an experience. Usually. So I threw my heart and soul, and dug from the depths, and made work a great place to be. Because gosh darnit! If you can make others laugh and smile, and really care about them, it comes back to you. Though I admittedly found I have not been fed into in the same equalities I give to others.

One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is my caregivers heart and always giving of myself to others. It's a weakness when my own well is not being given into.

Nursing school only intensified that. Thrown into an intense program that is so rigid and serious and all-consuming, with people who know very little about me, and unable to form very many deep quality relationships, I found that after awhile, not being able to do the things I enjoy or are my respite became a huge sacrifice.

Now here I sit. After two weeks of giving nursing school the middle finger and socializing with friends, family, and throwing myself back into my "life", I find myself realizing that I dived off the deep end of sacrifice and it left me feeling so empty.

I'm still mad. Super mad actually that I'm only halfway done with a program that consumes all my energy and time. I want to be OUT in the world, with friends, experiencing life! Sure my dream of becoming a nurse is important and is my passion (that after one awful clinical experience I am relearning all the reasons I wanted to be a nurse again), it's not everything.

There are much more important things! God, family, friends, relationships, happiness, love. Being a nurse won't define me, rather it will be an outward extension of part of my heart. I think I'm just mad right now that it's being made to define me. This year is defined as "the year of nursing school". Ick.

With that being said, I'm doing a lot of soul searching. I'm reigniting and relearning what it is that's deep inside me, what makes me who I am, and what makes me tick. Funny I was able to forget that huh?!

Here's what I've discovered.

My relationship with God is so important and needs more focus. Faith is something I need to start working on again. I had SO much faith, where did it go?! I'm quickly remembering how much faith my kiddos had in me, when did I lose faith in my God? And losing that faith has translated into a lot of doubt of myself.

Relationships. God I love relationship with others. What the hell is the point in living if you don't have people you love and care about and that know you beside you?! Here's to remembering to spend quality time with those that have gone by the wayside.

Passion, happiness, optimism, joy. I lost a lot of those and I definitely feel it. I could find joy in anything, and while I still do, it's not the same degree or intensity. Damnit, I want my emotions to be all-consuming and intense again!

Humor. It's just way too damn important to laugh your way through life. Really there's just no other way. Not to mention those who are happy and laugh live longer :-)

Love. This is such a deep area. I shut myself off to loving others, romantically. One blind date later and I realized just how much I had shut myself off to that. While I've always believed in fairy tales and true love and "happily ever after", I literally doubted God would even want or plan that for my life and in doing so, also shut myself off from taking risks. Risks that I used to take willy nilly! How can I possibly find love if I don't take risks. Duh. I might get hurt. We lose 100% of the risks we don't take. So here's to taking risks again! (Slowly and more mindfully of course).
And I will freely admit, I'm a sucker for romance. I might put on a tough bravado but romance...have always fantasized about being "swept off my feet". Well here's to hoping it might actually one day happen ;-)

So here's to me. I'm far from who I used to be, in both good ways and bad. I'm not yet who I'm going to be, and that's ok. But here's to strapping on my boots, realizing that this is just another part of the beautiful journey that God has laid out before me, and I'm stepping forward. While this is probably the gazillionth time God has thrown this lesson my way, I'm still gonna take it as a learning experience, that I might eventually peg down! So here's back to getting to myself, and to rediscovering myself, and rediscovering the beautiful parts of life, even with the bad and ugly.

Gosh it feels good to take a deep breath again and leap. 

Spring 5W2...with a new perspective

Wow, another five weeks almost done and gone!! It's hard to believe that as someone who loves writing, reflecting, and getting my thoughts out, that I haven't really had time to sit down and really think about much, other than the next exam or figuring out what class I need to be in.

This past five weeks has been even crazier than the previous five, though I at first didn't think that was possible. I just finished my Foundations of Nursing Course, and I'm pretty positive I aced it. I'll find out my grade later. Just finished my last test in there so I have to wait for a few class things to be graded.

I have a few more exams this week, but they are all bench-marking exams, called ATI Testing. It's a way for us to find out where we rank in our testing skills to all the other nurses in the nation.

It's all smooth sailing from here.

However, the more I go on in this program, the more and more my perspective is beginning to change. It's very easy for one to get caught up in the rigors of the program and start to alter one's perspective about what is "right" and "wrong" is nursing. What constitutes a "good" or "great" nurse and so-on and so-forth. It's easy to get caught up in what is the evidence-based practice standard of providing care and what is "wrong", etc.

I have realized that though I love the clinical setting, and I love the critical care aspect (and fully plan on being immersed in that sort of nursing for awhile after graduation), that it isn't the only form of nursing out there. I temporarily forgot how huge of a proponent I am of holistic medicine, of the body's ability to heal itself, and of the importance of balance. I temporarily forgot a lot of what I stand for and believe.

(Funny I should mention balance when I'm not exactly practicing that for my own health!)

The more I go on in this program, the easier it is for me to just sit back, relax, and enjoy it and get back to my own beliefs and ideals about health care and providing quality nursing care. I'm becoming better at reconciling what I'm learning now and how it will influence my nursing practice as I go forward.

My classmates are also becoming constant reminders of what I don't care about and what I don't stand for.

Our generation and society is marked by comfort and materialism. Being surrounded by this every day stands as a sharp reminder of things I honestly don't give a shit about.

The majority of my classmates are wrapped up in getting that oh-so-coveted "A", and everything surrounds their grades, and doing a skill "correctly". If we aren't following that, or if something isn't allowing one their "A", it's a constant freak-out and bitch fest.

Now I'm not always the MOST laid-back person though I do pat myself on the back for being able to pretty comfortably flow with the ebbs and detours of life. However, a good grip of my classmates make me feel like I am as peaceful as Ghandi himself (that should be saying something). And as each day, each freak-out, each bitch session comes forward, I am becoming more acutely aware how ridiculous life can be sometimes.

It's so hard to take that seriously when there are much bigger problems happening each and every day around the world. There are children starving domestic and international, there are needless and mindless wars all over the globe, homeless families who simply need a break, people dying of cancer, etc. And there are people around the world who are doing things that are actually making a huge difference, not just in the "gold-standard" way of properly inserting an NG tube into the next patient but people who are fighting for peace, justice, and health. Those who are out there quietly scrapping all means possible to help in areas of public health and injustice to fight the bigger battles of life. People who are donating time, money, and possibly various body tissues to help others. The nurses around the world who are for the young, old, and special needs are the ones who I take seriously.

I don't want to be a nurse who sits in a comfortable hospital and caters to the comfortable health of those here, who simply are having appendectomies. I want to help premature neonates have a chance at a healthful life. I want to work with kids with special needs and cancers who need a quiet strength. I want to work with those around the world who don't have access to the same healthcare we have (where things such as sterile insertion of nasogastric tubes aren't such huge matters....but rather simply getting the proper vaccines is the battle of life and death). That's where I want to be. That's what matters to me.

No patient is ever going to look at me and ask whether I'm a 4.0 nurse, a 3.6 nurse or a 3.0 nurse. They are simply going to know that I've had the proper training, done well enough to get my nursing licensure, and am now there to practice to the best of my abilities. My abilities that include perseverance, hardwork, dedication, caring, humor, strength and compassion. Not my ability to get an A in a class or my ability to memorize every line of information in a book.

So this is where I sit today. I'm getting ready to start the first clinical rotation..med/surg. I'm a little bit anxious and a little bit excited. The sun is shining, I'm wearing my trusty flip-flops, and have a full belly. I have some wonderful people in my life and an excellent God by my side. And that's really all that matters right now. Nursing school is important, and huge for me right now, as it's the foundation for my nursing career. But it's not the only thing that matters, and it's not the end-all of my life right now.

So with that, I'm onto take another exam, and I'm going to crush it ;-)

YAYER!!!

Donation Day

Today was donation day!!

I got to the infusion center at PSL @ 0645, and was greeted with a flurry of medical personnel. First the doc came in to assess that I was indeed healthy and who I said I was. Then the medical techs started priming the machine and my veins. Rhonda and Sarah were absolute sweethearts! Melissa my RN was sweet as pie. They explained every step, walked me through each action, encouraged me, and made me as comfortable as possible.

The 5th injection was given and about 45 minutes later I was starting to get hooked up to the machine. An IV was started in my R arm, where the return line was also hooked up to. Melissa, the RN, gave me a little adavan upon request to help calm me down for the stick in my L arm. Once we were ready, I was stuck with the needle in my L arm that would take my blood from my body, through the filter (centrifuge) and run the blood back into the line via my R arm.

They filtered 22 liters of blood, to produce a half bag of rich blood full of platelets, WBC's, stem cells, mast cells, and all the other components that my recipient needed.

After five hours of keeping my L arm still, the procedure was done and the bag was whisked away, where it hopped on a plane about an hour ago to go somewhere in the US to my recipient. I know only that she is domestic, an adult female with acute leukemia.

Now I'm at home, completely exhausted, sore, my bones still quite achy, a little light-headed from having my body not only go through the procedure but also having my own HCT, platelet and RBC count drop! It was all well worth it :-)

 At 24 I still need my mama!!

 All hooked up to the "circuit"...my L arm was covered to keep the veins warm

 the machine

 the bag filling up during the 5-hr procedure

me with the bag before it got whisked off to go to the recipient tomorrow morning!! 

You can be the match!! 

Thank you to those at the National Bone Marrow Registry and the staff at the Infusion Center at Presbyterian St. Luke's who were so wonderful, caring, and compassionate during the whole process!! :-)  

The Buddings of Summer

There is a reason I don't live in Seattle...and I'm learning more and more that as much as I LOVE the smell of rain and as much as I know we NEED it, I would much rather have the sunny Colorado days I'm used to! Two weeks of dull dreary grey clouds and rain is enough for me!!

Despite that, my mood has been considerably perky. I'm getting frazzled still training at Denver Health. I've learned I do not like sitting behind a desk. I knew that before but it's been confirmed. I have two parts to my job, that are completely opposite. One is ward clerking (hence desk-ish work) and the other is direct patient care. I won't be trained on that until I'm done with my eight weeks of training for ward clerking. 12 hours behind a desk is just a bit much for me! But luckily that won't be the only thing I do eventually! It's frazzling, and stressful, and crazy for me. But it's part of learning.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

I keep reminding myself that these are the first steps in that walk of a thousand miles! I will be very glad once I'm past the first couple miles ;-) Until then I'll just keep on trucking.

However, some interesting stuff does happen. Working on the unit that had the eating disorder program was so fascinating. Those people are so fascinating, frustrating, and insane all at once. It's like the walking dead roaming the hallway. One gentleman came in with a ridiculous pressure ulcer that had gotten so bad you could see bone in the gaping wound. And let's not forget Mr. B who was caught smoking crack in his bathroom. Oh the joys of Denver Health! Some pretty interested stuff happens in our neck of the woods sometimes! Oye always need a little Jeff Dunham jokes to keep the shifts going well :-) "Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?!" Bahahaha love love it.

I had a very hard night the other night. I was babysitting the Hummell boys and a couple other children. Five children, under the age of 10. Five children are a handful no matter what. Especially when they aren't your children. And you aren't their mother who can comfort them. Which became a huge problem at bedtime. For three of the kiddos, the problem was simply I wasn't their mother to put them to bed for the night. A few tears and the statements "When is mommy coming home?" and the tearful requests "I want my mommy." I can handle those. And then there was the more difficult end of the matter.

For the Hummell boys, it's deeper than the obvious superficial conclusion that I'm not their mother. But that in itself has a whole other meaning. Their mother Diana passed away in October, of which I spent the last few weeks of her life with the Hummell family in their home. I'm not the boys mother, and it has been a struggle that no one on this earth is their mother. It has been a struggle for them that their mother is gone. Their mother, a stay-at-home and very hands-on mother, is no longer there for them. And their father, Cam, is working as hard as possible to provide for his family. The boys are strong-willed and Zachary lets each woman know that they aren't his mother and can't act in the role his mother did. Dawson is slowly taking on a more strong-willed personality, looking up to his older brother. When it came to bedtime, a few factors came to play. I wasn't their mother, I wasn't their father, and I couldn't give them the exact love, attention and routine that they miss and crave and struggle with. This ordeal of sorts turned into an hour long struggle to get the boys in bed. In between the tears and the struggle I found myself praying to the Lord "Lord please just give me the strength, the grace, and the words to say to these boys that might provide some comfort. In the midst of some tears, after an hour of struggle, I was able to reach into a part of Zach's heart and provide a little bit of love. We were able to shed some tears together and I was able to give him a hug, a hug that he probably hasn't had in a long time. I was able to tuck him into bed with a hug and a kiss. After that I was able to console Dawson and tuck him into bed with a kiss and the promise that I would sleep with him until he fell asleep.

The lesson learned?! God does answer even the most desperate prayers when you need them. The only way I was able to reach those boys was through some unknown grace of the Lord given to me at that moment. Some love and some words that were only able to come from Him. I left that night exhausted, heartbroken for the boys, but so thankful that we have a Lord that sometimes answers prayers right on the spot, at that moment in time, when we cry out to Him. He hears us. And He lifts us up when needed.

On another note, I went on a little impromptu hike the other day with a new friend of mine. Very refreshing to be outside, and to be with someone who was so laid-back and with a great sense of humor. I'm looking forward to seeing what becomes of this newfound friendship.

Applying to nursing school again. I got rejected from the traditional program but am applying to the accelerated program. If it doesn't work out, who knows what the Lord has in mind.

Right now I'm just taking it all day-by-day. Had a great breakfast at Snooze with a dear friend. Ran in the rain. Got soaking wet. And oddly refreshing. Excited to see what happens. And I can't wait until the sunshine comes back around and starts beckoning the beauty that is summer. Ah, new opportunities. A little bit of fear but let's see what happens, eh?!