2013, where did 2012 go?!

Everyone said that this last year would go fast and indeed it has! On one hand it dragged on, incredibly long, but on the other hand it went by decently fast, though I didn't get to enjoy too much of it.

I can also tell it was busy by the lack of writing I have done, both here on my blog and in my journal. Only one journal entry for 2012 and I didn't even get a chance to finish it!! A few more made it up here but that's due to how fast and easy it is for me to type compared to handwritten entries.

This is a catch up.

Since my last entry, a lot transpired. Basically a lot of holidays, a lot of family, and tying up the ends of finishing nursing school. Quite a bit of studying (though not as much as I would have liked to say), a ton of work, and catching up on sleep. I've even gone so far as to actually bake and cook once or twice!! That my friends is saying something, both to how much time I have and the lack of other things to do, as most are aware that cooking/baking is not my passion.

 This year's Christmas was pretty low-key, which I thought was wonderful. Just my parents, us kids (minus Marsh, Jenni and Axel), and a pretty simple Christmas morning. We made Christmas dinner and then that night both my father and I headed to work. I decorated the tree and stair-case, as usual, and tried to make the house feel warm and inviting :-)

 This year my gifts were few and simple (though not exactly cheap!). I got what I asked for as both a graduation and Christmas gift. See on one hand I'm feminine, yet I also love powertools, anything that goes fast, and have started looking at getting my concealed carry. So for Christmas I asked for a subcompact pistol. What I got was a Glock Subcompact 9mm 26Gen (or 27Gen....can't remember).

 

My father took me shooting for the first time and I LOVED IT!! At first it was very awkward, getting used to holding a weapon that could kill someone if not handled properly, and adjusting to the kickback. But once I got it down I found it such a thrill! And might I add, I turned out to not be too shabby of a shot :-)

 

This is just a random picture of me....that I took right after the finish of my VERY LAST CLINICAL!

This month has also marked a few milestones. On January 22nd, it was the 2-yr anniversary of losing my little Ethie. There is not a day that goes by that this little guy is not in my heart and thoughts. He is such a big part of my life that I carry with me every day. He influences how I desire to live my life, what I want to stand for, and how I want to be remembered. And ironically, I now share his same hairstyle, short and red! I miss him so dearly, every day, but look back with so much hope, love, and laughter of the memories I have with him. And his smile still greets me every day as his picture is in my bathroom and one at my bedside. What a wonderful way to always start my day :-)

 This month also marked one year since my bone marrow donation. I was able to make contact with my recipient and it has been such a blessing! What a wonderful thing, to be able to touch someone else's life!! To hear that she gets to spend another year full of holidays with family, friends, and her grandchildren, what an amazing gift. She also seems to have acquired my taste for chocolate and wine ;-) Never a bad thing to pass along.

 I have enjoyed being able to slow down and spend time with family, getting to know my nephew, and be a part of people's lives again. At this point in time, I'm waiting to hear back from The Children's Hospital Colorado, about whether I will get to join their Nurse Residency Program and will be taking my nursing boards in about a week or two. Another busy couple weeks but so blessed!! I also got to attend church for the first time in over a year. How wonderful is that?!?!

Music Within

I sit here watching this movie called Music Within. It’s the story of Richard Pimental who was a public speaker who, having become deaf via the Vietnam War, turns into an advocate of sorts for the disabled community. He was a prominent driving force behind the Disability Acts that were enacted in the 90′s and wrote the first diversity trainings.

What an inspirational and humorous story!!

It just reinstated the passion I have in my heart in creating a space of equality for all those around me and for making sure that each person is noticed, recognized, treated with kindness and respect, and is treated with compassion.

The story also brought some bittersweet feelings, as one of Richard’s greatest friends, Arte, has cerebral palsy. It made me miss my little Ethie, and more than ever made my arms feel empty and useless. Yes I embrace others quite frequently, giving hugs like free candy, and more recently give massages to others. But in a lot of ways my body feels a sense of uselessness not having my little kiddos to scoop up. I miss being an extension of Ethan’s body and using it to help him move!! As crazy as that sounds as it was back-breaking work, I miss it. I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss the fire of his life, and I miss the purpose my life inherently had because I got to be a part of his.

It warmed my heart to see the friendship between the two!!

Anywho, it’s a great story!! Check it out

"The differences that you make that are of the ones of lasting importance, they are the little differences that you make in the life of another person." ~Richard Pimentel 

Ethan J Tanner

Tomorrow evening and Saturday morning are going to be two very hard days of my life.

Tomorrow evening is Ethan's viewing and Saturday morning will be his funeral aka life celebration.

This week I've been able to hold myself together rather well. Early morning and right before bed are the hardest for me. That's when my mind has enough time for it to sort of be realistic as my head goes back to a ton of memories.

However, I'm handling this well because I'm simply not dealing with it. It isn't real. I'm going through the motions. But not the emotions.

Ethan was very special to me....and a huge part of my heart. In the past year-and-a-half Ethan slowly wove himself to become an extension of me, a special treasure that slowly started to fuse himself into the innermost parts of my heart.

My life has changed so dramatically since I first met Ethan and Ethan is a huge part of the reason that I am who I am while I sit here and write this. He has not only become a part of me but Ethan has taught me so much about who I am, who I'm not, and about life. He has given me so much more than I could ever give him and taught me so much more than I could have ever taught him.

Ethie was my little ray of sunshine. Quite literally. His smile always lit up the room...but Ethie never failed to light me up. It didn't matter what was going on in my life, what hardships I face, what mood I was in. As soon as I was Ethan, my heart was warmed, my life was brighter, I had hope, and I had joy. Ethan was the most joyful, happy person I have ever met....and he faced hardships daily that I couldn't even imagine facing. He lived his life with joy. In all the time I ever knew him I only heard him really cry twice. Well I heard him cry at night when I babysat for the first bit but I never heard him really CRY but twice. Twice. It didn't matter if he could or couldn't do it, he never gave up trying. It didn't matter if his body couldn't keep going, he never gave up. Even when he couldn't breathe, even when his body was exhausted and failing, he kept pushing it. And he smiled, all the time. I almost never saw him without a smile. There wasn't a time that I couldn't make him laugh or giggle. It was who he was.

And it was through his smiles and love that I found a love that I can't imagine never having felt. I don't have my own kids but I have known the pure, unconditional, wonderful love of a child. And it's so beautiful.

Ethan's love and his smiles and his friendship saved my heart in so many ways since I met him.

My life is richer because of his presence. And because of the presence of his parents.

Annie and Justin are two of the most humble, loving, dedicated and wonderful couples/parents I have ever met. Their example of parenthood and marriage and love towards each other has been so amazing. They welcomed me into their home and their lives, entrusting me with all of their children and entrusting me in the care of their special little boy. They allowed me to come into their home and lives and to receive the love of their children and bond with them in very special unique ways; and I can't thank them enough for that. It has meant the world for me. I don't think Annie and Justin realize how much of an impact their family has had on my life and the special place they will always have in my heart in so many ways. Words like appreciation and gratefulness are simply and never will be sufficient.

God knew I needed Ethan. And I would like to think that in some small way Ethan's life was made a bit more peaceful and happier because I was able to serve him and to serve our Heavenly Father by serving Ethie's needs.

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me. And quite sad. It is going to be all too real.

But I have a sense of peace. Ethan fulfilled his purpose here on earth. And while I am so heartbroken to see him go, I look at my heart and how rich it is, how full it is, because of his presence in my life...and then I look at how many other people he was able to impact in his short five years on earth. I only hope that I can impact a fraction of the lives that Ethie was able to impact and touch in his short five years. More than that, I know that our Heavenly Father has a greater purpose for Ethie in heaven than here on earth. God works everything for a purpose. And He needed Ethan. Ethan was called home. Ethan is now free from the restraints of his earthly body. Ethan is now FREE of the restraints of his earthly body that kept him from doing everything that he wanted to do.

I also am very thankful to the Lord that Ethan died peacefully. I think that the Lord knew on top of the rest of my overwhelmed life that taking Ethan would be a bit unbearable for me. And I thank God so much for allowing me to opportunity to have one last evening with Ethie on thursday before he passed.

Ethan was so excited to see me come over that night! I only got to play with him for a mere 20 minutes before I put them to bed but I got to shoot guns with him and tickle him and play high-five with him. I walked him down the hall with him giggling as I was making him "leap" down the hall. Kaden had picked out three books to read (I always read three books Kaden picked out and then a fourth that we always had to read). I then let Ethan brush his teeth...and of course he giggled because when I said "ok we're all done dude" he found it amusing to pick up his tooth brush again and clamp his teeth down on it and laugh. I then picked him up and carried him into bed.

Kaden had found three books but we couldn't find the fourth book, the book we always had to read...I Love You Through and Through. I looked up high and low, in the bedroom and the office for the book. And I couldn't find it. I didn't like that, because I loved that book. I read it the first time I ever tucked the boys in and it was perfect. I loved those boys and I got to tell them that in this book. Not to mention it was interactive as I always had them point to the body part or make the expression. At the end of the book it says "I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow, too." I loved that I got to tell them that when I read the book!! However I couldn't find the book...but my thought was "well there's always next time".

So I got to read them the books, and tell them I loved them through and through. Ethan got to point to the pictures in the book and he smiled each time he did. Then I tucked them in. Kaden first, like always, because he's on the top bunk. Snug as a bug in a rug. I'd tuck the covers in tight at their sides. I asked Kaden where he wanted his kisses, the forehead or cheek, to which he hid under the blanket as normal so I tickled him out and gave him a big ol smooch on the cheek and told him I loved him. And then I went down to Ethan. Snug as a bug in a rug. And he smiled at me. I asked him where he wanted his kisses, his forehead or his cheek, to which he pointed straight at his forehead. So I gave him four forehead and kisses and then he pointed again (like normal) so I giggled and gave another and did this a couple times. I finally said "last one!". I then told the boys I loved them and I would see them later and to sleep tight. I then turned off the lights, said "I love you" again and walked out.

About 45 minutes later I went in to check that he was still on his back and breathing, I put my hand on his chest to feel it rise and put my head down next to his to hear him breath and then I walked back out, feeling good knowing that Ethie was doing ok.

And that's the last time I saw him. But I am so thankful, because I got to love up on him one last time, and play with him one last time. I think the Lord knew I needed that and wouldn't have been able to be ok without that.

I regret that I couldn't read Ethan our special book...but in the grand scheme of things it's ok because I got to tell him I loved him one last time and got to tell him goodnight. I needed that. And I think in the long run, I will be able to handle this better because of it.

I will miss Ethan....more than I can express. This world is a little less brighter. But I hope that through Ethan's lessons I can live my life with a lot more joy and a lot more love and I can impact the world in those same ways.

I love you through and through, Ethan J Tanner.

I Love You Through and Through

I love you through and through.
I love your top side
I love your bottom side
I love your inside
and outside.
I love your happy side
your sad side
your silly side
your mad side.
I love your fingers
and toes
your ears
and nose.
I love your hair
and eyes
your giggles
and cries.
I love you running
and walking
silent
and talking.
I love you through and through,
yesterday
today
and tomorrow too.

Now he is running with the angels. And I hope he is enjoying EVERY minute of it! I love you through and through Ethan J Tanner

Oh my, how God provides!

Isn't it amazing how looking back you can always see how God has provided for you in EXACTLY the way you needed Him too, even when you thought you needed something a little bit different?!

My relationship with Britton is new and fresh and wonderful and is God-driven and I couldn't ask for more. We are learning each other and learning to be in a relationship. It's a healthy, supportive relationship in which we communicate very well. It isn't perfect in the slightest and neither are we. But it's real and loving.

My past relationships haven't been that way. I'm learning so much about how to be in a healthier relationship than I ever thought possible. I'm learning how to be open and vulnerable, and communicate my wants and needs. I'm having to learn how to be supportive and stand my ground all at the same time, and when it is necessary to do either. My latest lesson was learning how to be disappointed by something but learning to have grace and forgiveness when I was apologized to and asked for it.

I just finished up a journal in which I started in the beginning of January, around the time I asked Britton to step out of my life after getting to know each other because I needed to get some of my own stuff straight. I was struggling with a ton of stuff and was dating Eric. I couldn't consciously let myself keep developing feelings for Britton while dating Eric. But reading back through the entries, I found myself searching.

I need to be loved, as does anyone, but I was looking for a physical love. I thought that I needed love in the form of a relationship...and of course isn't it funny how I just wasn't finding that at all in Eric?! Yes I loved him....but he didn't love me. And it wasn't sufficient. But I was trying to make it work because I was trying to fill a need within myself.

Rather than letting God do His own handiwork, God who knows what I need even before I do, I tried to make something happen for myself. And honestly, I thought God was withholding the love I needed from me.

But rather God was filling the love I needed and craved and needed in a completely different area of my life; he was placing a physical love in my life that was more fulfilling and more rewarding than I ever could have hoped or dreamt it would be. And oh my goodness, how amazing it is that God knows me better than I know myself and was taking care of myself when I wasn't even asking Him to.

The love he placed in my life is a love deeper than the ocean and more pure than any love I have ever felt. It's so unconditional and natural, so pure and soothing, so vast and wide, and so infinitely rewarding. It's the love from a child; several children in fact.

I can look back and honestly say that while I've been ready for nursing school, God needed to build me up emotionally and mentally a little bit more. It was more imperative that He work on my heart so he has withheld that blessing from me so He could work methodically in me to give me exactly what I needed. He kept that door closed so that He could open the door of me working with my special needs kiddos. It is from working in the classroom as I did that I formed the bonds that I have formed with Ethan and Patrick, that has opened doorways for me to babysit other kids with special needs and form interwoven relationships with several families.

It is because he closed the doors for the time being on nursing school and romantic relationships that I was able to experience the amazing love and relationships with my kids.

Nothing can touch my heart as the smile and kisses from Ethan that are unasked for but so lovingly bestowed upon me. Nothing can make me feel so happy and blessed as to see Patrick and for him to instantly get a smile on his face and flap (his way of showing excitement) and for him to give me hug after hug and be my little shadow. To hear parents tell me that their kids love me and that I am good at what I do is the most rewarding part. For them to call me time after time to babysit and take of their precious little bundles that need a little move TLC, and to be able to go out on dates and have time for themselves because they entrust the well-being of these kids is must amazing.

God has so filled my heart with the love I needed when I was looking for it in all the wrong places but my goodness, looking back I can see EXACTLY what God was doing, when I wasn't even asking for help and was instead being obstinate and hard-headed, thinking I knew what was best when in fact we all know I didn't!

God keeps teaching me these lessons over and over and how dumb am I to not just learn that it's God who can do amazing things in my life?! And if I just have enough faith to trust Him, He will provide more than I could ever think I want and need and do it in exactly the way that is needed in my life.

Silly little girl.

And it's because of me learning these lessons and just letting God fill me up that I think he decided to place Britton back in my life. God has a timing for everything and boy do I need to just learn that lesson once and for all. He will provide and give me what I need, when I need it. No sooner and no later. And if I just have a little faith and a little patience, God will bless me more than I could ever ask for!

Thank you Ethan, Patrick and Kaitlyn for showing me a love more pure and rewarding than I could have ever imagined! Thank you to your families for making me a part of your family and getting to experience your beautiful, wonderful, amazing children! They have taught me so much about love and life :-) and thank you for letting me make a small difference. It's been so rewarding and life-saving....for my heart more than anything!

Birthday Blessings

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday and it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

There was nothing very special about it but I've never had a birthday where I've felt as blessed and had such a soothing undercurrent of contentment despite all the craziness that is life. And I attribute it to God.

I ask Him every day to continue to keep control of my life and to keep my heart at peace with all the chaos and unknowns that are in it right now.

I spent most of the day with Ethan's family and it was probably the most rewarding day to spend my day. Not off celebrating myself or sitting around doing miscellaneous things. Just helping out one of my favorite families and playing with one of my all-time favorite guys in the world!! At of course at the end of the day, he blew me a big ol kiss when I told him that I would see him next week and to have a great weekend!! Who could ask for a better present?!?!

Afterwards I came home to spend time with my family. I got a ton of birthday wishes upon which I individually thanked every person. My Grams called to wish me a happy birthday as well as my two eldest brothers since they couldn't join us for dinner.

And here is where my day was really really blessed!!

We had a family dinner, which consisted of my parents, my mini grams, my youngest brother Reece and Britton love.

My dad grilled steaks and corn on the cob, made my favorite potatoes and we had the most delicious homemade cupcakes from a girl who owns a local sweets business! Britton waited on my, making my plate for me and serving me....which was a bit of a battle because I'm not used to that at all and couldn't help but fight my independence. We had a great dinner full of chit-chat between us all.

Then of course afterwards we had the cupcakes and I got to open my gifts. My parents honored my birthday requests. I asked for TOMS shoes or a Guatemala FEED bag. My thinking was if I'm going to be a typical greedy American and celebrate my birthday with monetary-valued gifts being given to me that I would find a way to help out other people around the world. True to word, my parents got me the pair of TOMS shoes I wanted the most. Which means a lot to me. Alyssa, my friend in the peacecorps in Guatemala, said the women and children of all the host families wear TOMS shoes that were given to them thanks to the One-to-One exchange!! So I KNOW that my birthday gift was going to help someone else. And I got to help the local businesswoman by ordering cupcakes from her rather than buying a cake from a corporation of some sort. I'm all about buying/helping local!

But the most touching gift of all came from my boyfriend. I opened the most humongous bag, of which also contained gerb daisies :) to pull out an empty scrapbook, scrapbooking paper, and some stickers. While dad was taking pics of me and the cupcakes Britton snuck into one putting his arms around me. And when I opened the scrapbook it was to start documenting us!!

How amazing to have a guy give you the materials to start documenting us as a couple :-)

On top of that, Britton has been looking to buy a "new" used truck as he's been needing a new vehicle and we have been talking through a lot of things. He's really starting to make strides to get all of his life back on track. He brought home a used truck on Monday that a dealership had miraculously approved him for and were allowing him to take to drive for a day or two, while he made a decision to buy or not. But yesterday, he sat me down and we talked through the financial end of it together. In the end, he decided to buy it and today he put down a down payment for it. But it's really nice to know that he included me in the decision and talked over it with me like a couple. We talk about anything and everything, but essentially that was one of our first decisions as a couple. It is his truck and he is paying for it, but we discussed it together!!

All-in-all my birthday was so absolutely blessed!! I got to spend it with the ones I love, I got to help out others, and God has been taking care of my life. I couldn't ask for any more.

And of course it was wonderful to be given a good morning kiss from Britton and just as wonderful to cuddle up next to him and fall asleep by him at the end of the day :D

Budding Forward

Well my body has decided to kind of get sick off and on this past couple of weeks and yesterday I started getting a ginormous coldsore. It's now taking up most of my lower lip, which means my body is really fighting some sort of sickness. So I couldn't go play with my little Ethie today :-( But instead I'm "resting" which I should know by now I'm horrible at. I just walk around this house finding little oddball jobs to do.

But here's a cute little picture of me and Ethie from when we went to the park a week ago.



So I guess it's about time for other matters of the heart.

Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back I can totally admit how big of an idiot I was with my heart with Eric. I was played and used, and completely at my will. I knew that things would not last and still I continued to stick around and put myself out there for him and be there for him. Seriously, it was just a tad dumb. But I once again, learned a ton of lessons the hard way.

However, I couldn't be more thankful. God used that situation to teach me and prepare my heart for something more. I kept grappling the whole time with a whole host of things. I spent the better part of a year questioning my worth not only in relationships but in general. I grappled with certain parts of my self-confidance in the eyes of males and of males in a romantic way. Not to mention, the entire experience of dating Eric really made me face core issues and values that I not only want but NEED in a relationship. It was a whole dating scenario centered around turmoil and selfishness but one that really did prepare my heart for something bigger and better.

There has been someone who has pursued me for a long while, being patient and understanding through trying to pursue me but also respect my wishes that I was dating someone else and would remain faithful until I knew what was between Eric and I was done. In fact, I almost lost my opportunities with this person, as was displayed around mid-April on a very intense ride at 2am. His name is Britton.

Unknowingly, when I met Britton, God was opening a door. He placed this amazing person in my life, who I didn't even see coming nor was looking for. Obviously my mind was elsewhere and my heart was all over the damn place.

With Britton, things have been so....real....since we first started getting to know each other. Guiltily I added him on facebook and gave him my number after Eric and I broke up the first time hoping he would call me to hang out with all of them so I could still be around Eric and understand what was going on. I didn't expect anything more than someone who might call me to hang out and I would "casually" bump into Eric out of nowhere. HA! Girls intentions versus what God is preparing someone for.

Well late one night I was up, restless as was usual for me at that time, and Britton started chatting with me on facebook. He asked the usual "hey how are you?" questions, asking what I did. I told him I worked with special needs preschoolers which led to conversations about kids. Somehow we got into a very intense conversation in which we discussed Christianity, finding out we're both Christians and from there a conversation revolving about how we both don't believe in divorce and the priorities one should have including God, kids, relationship to a spouse, etc. All things given, I wasn't expecting it but felt so comfortable talking to him. And it was nice to go beyond the superficial level which was what Eric and I stayed at. But Britton knew about Eric and I.

We chatted on facebook a couple more times, meeting up once to hang out and watch Little Nemo. I'm not quite sure how but I kept quoting Little Nemo as we were watching it in class and next thing I know I'm over at his house trying to find a working dvd player to watch this ridiculous movie. It didn't happen so we stayed up all night just talking....talking and talking and talking....with some very light but very intense topics. Death, cancer, kids, divorce, God, the future, hopes, dreams, relationships, etc. It was natural and easy and real. It felt good to have a friend that I could finally talk to about all this, who agreed with me on some very personal core values, and who looked me in the eye. It was easy to laugh around him, his laugh being contagious, and when we talked I could see his passion and zest for what he was saying.

I'm passionate. We know how much I LOVE seeing other people be passionate, even if I don't agree.

He opened up about his past, about his daughter (yes he has a daughter who is turning 4 in a few short days), about his shortcomings, and his mindset.

And things just continued from there. We got really close really quick.

And I think both of us knew that something was there. We talked about it. But we talked about how until Eric and I were done and I knew what was going on and my feelings for someone else were gone, that Britton and I had to remain friends. Around January is where that all changed. We spent one night hanging out and a couple people referred to me as his girlfriend, just based on us laughing and being around each other. It was then that I told Britton I need some space. That none of this was right or fair to all parties involved.

So he did. Until Diana and Cam moved back to Colorado and he asked me to come to her benefit auction. And I did.

I spent it mostly sitting by myself in a corner taking it in, listening to Cam and Diana while Britton and his family sat on the other side of the auditorium. God had been working in my heart and He used that night as a time to put a hunger for more righteous paths in my heart. Little birdies in my mind started coming to the forefront of my mind and heart. I started craving a better relationship with God. I started craving a better relationship with my family. I started craving a better romantic relationship. And I started to remember why I feel so blessed and so loved and so lucky all the time. God put a million reminders in my life, a million cravings, and then Diana started talking about "Do Not Disturb" signs that she had placed on her heart, which made me face a ton of those in all facets of life, but also in terms of relationships.

Britton and I had a good talk a little bit after that. And somehow a few weeks later I got a call from him asking to come pick him up from downtown Denver for a sober ride. I did this a couple times. Then one night he called me and I drove down. He gave me a huge hug and then in the car on the way home he proceeded to ask me why I was still messing around with Eric (he knew the whole situation and about this time was tired of hearing my excuses and the same ol story over and over). Not expecting at 2am to be having a conversation like this, my defenses went up. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was being stupid. He looked at me and said something to the effect of "do you know how intense and passionate we would be together? do you realize how much i could love you? i'm not saying i'll be the healthiest relationship but i'll be healtheir for you than what you are putting yourself through right now". He told me he cared about me and then told me he was done. He was tired of waiting, tired of the bullshit. He told me that I needed to get my head on straight, that I needed to open my eyes. He told me that I was far better than that, that I deserved so much more, that I'm an amazing woman, that I was special and God had amazing plans for my life if I just stopped being afraid. Well at the end of that car ride home I threw the cigarette in his ear out the window (I've hassled him about quitting smoking since day 1) and he gave me a hug. He invited me to come in and talk and I pretty much just said hell no and drove away. The next day I wanted to talk. We opened up and I thanked him for being blunt and explained myself.

This whole time Eric and I were fizzling but I still wasn't over him. I was tired of being yanked around. But Eric pulled the chain without telling me. Which I'm glad he literally just stopped talking to me. Made it easier to deal with over that month and a half that he decided to make me a booty call once but never really contacted me. I have a tendency to get over things more quickly when I get mad and hot-headed which I did. And stubborn.

The day I found out for sure we weren't dating was the day I closed that part of my heart and decided to take a huge risk. I decided to talk to Britton. I told him I was finally done with Eric (of which he didn't believe because of the dozen or so times he'd heard it before) and asked him to go on a date.

And we've spent the last two months getting to know each other, taking risks, and honestly falling in love. Which wasn't hard to do. Quite easy actually. We've told each other we've loved each other for quite some time. He knows I think the most important words you can say to someone you care about are "I love you" and so we've said it since day one in a friendly way. And sometime end of May that friendly way turned serious. When we finally stopped holding back.

We still haven't had that date. We don't get to hang out much as he works ALL the time. But so far it's indescribable. We have the tough talks all the time...and trust me there are many. He needs to get a lot of his life straightened out. And we are very blunt and honest about it. We both know there are demons in our relationship closets and we are understanding of that towards each other. He knows I'm afraid of getting hurt and so all of this is scary to me. We both know how much of a commitment marriage is in our lives, neither one of us believing in divorce. We both believe relationships take lots of work and communication. However, how supportive we are of each other already has astounded me.

People say when you find that person you'll know. Well I denied it for a long time. But Britton is here for the long haul.

This isn't going to be easy. But it won't be hard. Britton and I have already started learning how to "dance" through life together. We've already learned that we can be so incredibly honest with each other, but do it with love.

This is a little crazy. My family loves him. That's never happened with anyone else. And Britton has a "dirtier" past than anyone else I've dated. But they love him. My dad of course having hesitancies as he's my father. And rightfully so with my crazy dating past. But even then I don't see him scrutinizing the way he has before. And Britton is crazy respectful of doing all this the right way and with my father's permission.

But something my mom said to me yesterday really struck me (and my mom hits the nail on the head EVERY single time about our friends or dating people....so much so it's scary): "I've never seen you light up and sparkle the way you do with Britton. I watched you two the other day just talking in the kitchen. I gotta feeling....and if what I'm feeling is correct, I better start looking for something to wear to your wedding."

Ok I wouldn't take it that far Mom, but I think her feeling might be correct....

We'll let God be the judge of that....because Britton and I are putting God first in this relationship...and well God does what he wants!!

Blowing Kisses

My kiddos just always seem to make my day....it's the little things that keep me going and really help me to know that even though I think I'm just a simply by-stander in most people's lives that I sometimes make impacts.

I work with Ethan's family on Mon/Wed's. It's physically strenuous work on me. Not because it necessarily HAS to be. But my mindset is that for the six hours each day that I'm with him, he is able to get that one-on-one time that allows him to do the things that I can do on my own that he can't.

My outlook on life is that I have a healthy body. And as long as it's healthy I will use in any way that I can to help others. It's why God gave it to me in a healthy manner.

So therefore when I'm with Ethie, it's a lot of physical work. My body becomes his body in all senses so I do the work of two people...using my body for stability and support so that he can use his body as much as possible in ways he can't always do.

But through it all, there are little things that make my exhaustion at the end of the day, and constant backpain worthwhile.

Ethie has horse-riding therapy once a week and I help Annie to get him ready for it. The other day before they left out the door to go I was playing with Ethie getting him ready, telling him to have fun and have a great weekend because I wouldn't see him until Monday. We were playing pirates and he acted as though he didn't care what I was saying.

But as soon as his mom picked him up to take him out to the car and I got my purse he said "bye", waved to me, and then blew me a kiss....without me asking him to. (It's the cutest thing ever...he makes a popping noise with his lips and puts his hand to his mouth.)

And his mom turns to me and says "I hope you know you are the only one who gets kisses without asking, and kisses as you leave without you asking him to. Always right on cue. They are only for you!"

That small thing, my friends, is what life is all about. That small thing is how God shows me that at that exact moment in time, everything is perfect, and I am exactly where I need to be. I am helping the world in the exact little way He wanted me to. And I am obeying His plans for my life.

Life is great, no matter what happens, when at the end of the day, I get those little blow kisses!

Busy-ness

Sometimes I loathe being so busy all the time. You know the busy-ness where you never have time to sit down and enjoy yourself and fully breathe?! Everything is always at a hare's pace.

But sometimes I really do love it. It keeps me occupied and out of trouble and it helps me to keep focused on things that distract me from other things I shouldn't be focused on.

I will say that right now it's a really great excuse to not focus on relationships or worrying about what the future has in store as I don't have much time to contemplate it. I have been working with Ethan out the wazoo, working for my parents to help them out, and babysitting like it's going out of style.

But what better ways to spend my time?! I have nothing else that I really have to do. I'm single, only working part-time with Ethan and my parents at-will, and I have no class deadlines or the like. So basically, it's better than doing nothing. But sometimes I miss those nights where I can just take time for myself. I haven't worked out in over a week because I've been too exhausted. When I get home, it's all I can do to make it into bed at the end of the night sometimes without crashing out while I'm doing things like changing into non-sweaty clothes or brushing my teeth.

But I think it's all part of God's plan right now. It's amazing how the distractions come when we really need them. I prayed for God to give me the strength to get through some hard things right now and He really did answer my prayer. He knows that I can't just sit idle and work through these sort of things. He knew I needed distraction over quite a bit of time and well voila I have it!! It has been a blessing. I'm glad that He chose this time to unindate me with tons of busy work and always being on the go. It's helped me to stay focused on what I need to and not on what is "bad" for me at the moment.

And well, he chose to keep me busy with something that brings happiness to my face and a feeling of being so blessed to my life. I couldn't ask for more. I get to be with my little Ethie and with my kiddos.

I mean really....I walked through the door today and Ethie knew it was me and got so excited!! He can say "nnnn" now for my name. That's pretty darn exciting!! And we went to the pool today, which was tons of fun. Two hours into our three hours at the pool, my back was killing me and he had choked on water pretty bad once as I was pushing the limits of having him go underwater....and when I asked after a little break if he wanted to go back in with me or go with mom, he chose me!! It was a small little thing but it completely made my day :-)

It's the little things in life that mean the most!

Being Different

It's amazing how sometimes we become so used to being around something that it becomes second nature and normal. When in fact, to others it's so not normal and is SO different that it makes others uncomfortable.

Today I started my summer job of working with Ethie's family a couple days a week. Today's agenda: the museum of nature and science with Annie and the kiddos. First stop: the space odyssey room.

In one of the little space adventures rooms for kids, it resembled the moon with a little crater containing moonrocks (little rocks made of black styrofoam) in which kids could put on adorable little space suits and run around driving a spaceship and then gathering moonrocks and/or throwing them in the crater.

After all my time this year with Ethie, there is nothing foreign to me about wheelchairs, braces, orthopedics, walkers, etc. There's nothing abnormal to me about being around someone with any of this equipment and I don't stare at it, ask questions, nor even really recognize the exceptions one has to make in terms of space/time/etc. Well with Ethan I forget all about this naturally. I wheeled him into the room and not wanting to take him out of his wheelchair to only three minutes later put him back in, he pushed up to the crater and I handed him moonrocks to throw in there. Ethan loves throwing, loves being a boy, and loves to rough/tumble and laugh his heart out.

One little boy came up to me and started asking questions. The first one being "Is he sick?" in which after it taking me aback I replied "No, he's not sick."

Little Boy: "Why's he in a wheelchair?"
Me: "The wheelchair is his legs."
Little Boy: "Why's he throwing like that?"
Me: "Throwing like what?"
Little Boy: "Throwing all funny and wrong..."
Me: "He's not throwing funny, this is how he likes to throw."
Little Boy: "But he's throwing wrong."
Me: "Everyone throws differently sweetie. But he loves to throw this way, it makes him happy."
Little Boy: (with a very gawking and discerning expression on his face) "He's different."
Me: "He's just a little different from you. But he's just like you."

A few minutes later when out of the room I asked Annie if she had heard the exchange and she said yes. I asked how she normally answered these questions and if there's any particular way she wants me to answer. See, I'm totally used to this and so is Annie, and so are the kiddos in our classroom. I haven't had to answer these questions to date. So it was weird. Like I said, for me it's completely normal.

Annie said that my answers were perfectly fine and they there's really no right way to answer them, especially with children who aren't used to it. She then proceeded to tell me that people gawk at him a lot (which I can more understand) but that it's happened frequently where people will come up and touch his head and pray for him. People have come up and told Annie they were sorry and one man came up and held onto Ethan's hand and started crying and freaked Ethan out.

Holy foreign world to me.

I will admit, I wasn't always this atuned to being around people with disabilities or special needs or whatever....it's become normal since high school as I've had tons of exposure with different people and different disabilities. In high school while lifeguarding, I consistently encountered a man who came to the pool in a wheelchair and needed help with the pool lift and whatnot. I've had friends who have had prosthetic legs, I've helped out at a camp for people with disabilities at the age of 13, the mail guy at CSU had cerebral palsy and was wheelchair-bound, etc. It's normal. I know these people aren't breakable, it's nothing that different.

But even before then I never gawked at these people in the negative way that I see SO many others doing. I stared, yes....in pure fascination because differences fascinate me. I wanted to educate myself and learn more and I was always fascinated that these other people overcame these differences to be normal like me. I loved seeing people in wheelchairs being able to maneuver themselves easier in a wheelchair and faster than I could with two healthy legs. I enjoyed learning that those with cognitive disabilities had senses of humor and had wonderful smiles, etc. I loved getting to know the people behind the disability, and yes I stared out of fascination of these individuals.

But holy smokes, most people are not very understanding nor loving nor comfortable around others with these differences. In fact if they aren't asking sorta mean questions or acting as though these people aren't really people, they usually just stay far away with a look of fear.

Today I was reminded how different most people think Ethan is when in fact he's not different at all. He's smart....he knows his colors and shapes and alphabet. He loves to explore and play with things. He loves to rough/tumble and get dirty. He loves playing ball and fighting with his twin brother. He gives others hugs and shows a look of concern when someone is crying or upset. He laughs when you play silly games with him. He hates being in his wheelchair if given a choice to be out and loves running around with assistance. He loves art and coloring and playing cars. You don't have to talk to him any differently than you'd talk to any other four-year-old. He's not dumb, his body is just a step behind his mind.

I wish that others would learn that those who are different are really not so different nor anyone to be scared of. They aren't a thing or any less human than we are. They were just made limited edition :-) They are just as amazing and important as we are. And there is nothing different about needing some assistance in life. We all need assistance...they just need a different form of assistance.

Like I said, to me being around people who are "different" is so second nature it's nothing whereas to most others I realize they aren't around the same people I'm around. However, I wish the world was more understanding and less afraid of differences of all sorts. We'd all be the better for it!

My Blessed Life

The more I work with special needs kids the more I truly know I'm blessed beyond verbal words can express. Not because I have capabilities they don't, nor because I get to have an "impact" on their life, whatever that means. But because by working with them and being around them, I get to see miracles EVERY DAY and I have learned so much about life that others never will.

Our last day of school with the kids was yesterday so therefore we get a ton of thank you's from parents and kiddos and co-workers. I'm always told I have a "gift" of working with kids and then I'm told I have a "gift" of working with special needs kids. I don't know if I believe all that, because to me it's just natural. But the more I hear it, and the more I watch others, the more I'm staring to realize that it really is a gift. It's a gift from God that just happens to be routed through me. It's one of the sack full of gifts God gave me when He made me. Everyone has their own set of gifts, and this is part of my set.

Anywho, we got a ton of thank you notes and we have been reminiscing about how far each of our kiddos have come. And really when we look at it, we have always been able to see the daily miracles but looking back we can see the overall miracles that have happened along the way.

One of our parents wrote a thank you note to Kendall, our main teacher, in which one line made me cry. In the note she said that her beautiful boy was a gift, and Kendall had helped to open him up. And it's the truth!! He has come leaps and bounds this year, in this past two months alone the leaps and bounds have been enormous. He's a different person than he was at the beginning of the year. And I hear that he's a totally different little boy than he was last year. And all of it is nothing short of a miracle. A miracle that has been obtained by a village, all of whom God's gifts have taken a part of. All of us were placed in his life at certain points for certain reasons to help teach him things at certain times along these past two years.....and the miracle is SO obvious when every one looks back at it...no matter where in that timeline we all stepped in.

After talking to the mom of my little Ethie today while we were out on an excursion to the museum, it became obvious that Ethan's progress in this last year is remarkable but especially when compared to a mere two years ago....half of his life. This little boy whom is my sunshine is an absolute miracle after hearing more about when he was an infant. And what a remarkable feeling it is to be able to sit next to this kiddo and hold the hand of this precious little miracle of God and get to see firsthand the power of it all!

But more importantly, these kids have blessed my life by teaching me certain things....things they had no idea they were teaching me.

1. Being able to be around such fragile little children has really shown me the blessing that is life, and the power that is our God. Our God is a powerful God. He can make things happen that we would label as "impossible" or "impractical" or with words like "never" or "highly unlikely" or "difficult". Nothing is beyond my God, and everything is possible through Him. These miracles are proof of my God and a demonstration of His love. These children are the most amazing people I have ever met.

2. I have learned just HOW beautiful and precious life really is. I had a fairly good grasp on this before I started working with them as I can see the blessing and beauty in the smallest things around me. But this just put it on a whole new spectrum of perspective. There is SO much beauty to life, and there is SO much beauty and wonderment to be had in "imperfections". These kids are little humans that get looked at as though they are aliens by others who are not used to being around anyone that is "different". But they are SO beautiful and amazing. And unfortunately most people won't be able to see past the rough and different exterior to see the beauty that lies within because most people never get past a superficial level of getting to know other people in general. People and life are so precious. And those thoughts alone are what make me SO happy on a daily basis. I wish others could feel this absolutely love for life and all that is in it.....because heaven knows, most people will never get to feel this.

3. Once again I have learned the power of a smile. It is one of the most powerful things out there, along with love. It is the simplest thing to show another person, it speaks wonders, and it's such a small act....that is all too often overlooked, left forgotten, and underestimated. I can't even tell you how many smiles I have given were fake but they cheered others up, but how many were real and how much MORE they affected others. Not to mention that no matter WHAT was going on in my life this past year, anytime I saw Patrick or Ethie and saw their beaming smiles.....absolutely NOTHING else mattered. All worries were gone for that little while that I was with them....all because they smiled so sincerely at me. I really wish more people smiled, or could understand this concept. There is just NOT enough smiling in this world. But my kiddos are some of the happiest people there are....and they face trials NONE of us could even begin to imagine ever going through.

I am SO blessed for getting the chance to work with my kiddos, my special needs kiddos. And I really wish that everyone got the opportunity to partake in something as wonderous and miraculous as I've gotten to take part in this past year. I wish all people in my life could learn the simple yet profound lessons I've learned this year from my kiddos and the people I've worked with in conjunction with, and I wish more people could feel and know they are as blessed as I know I am. Blessed for simply being alive!

If you read this, please take a few minutes to count the blessings in your life....because God has blessed you immensely! And then take enjoyment in knowing that your life is beautiful and wonderful and so incredibly blessed.

Sore Body, Appreciative Mind

I started working out again....and my whole body hurts. In the past three days I've done three workouts. WOOHOO!! So not only is every part of me sore, I'm pretty exhausted.

And my body decided to get sick, which means I completely lost my voice. No worries, a lot of quiet time, some tea with honey, and some rest and it will come back shortly...at least I hope!!

So far my body doesn't feel so hot from working out, but mentally already it's done wonders! It feels good just to be active. And I'm craving more....but physically I can't handle it. I have to tell my body "slow your roll" but I can't wait to start seeing results. Slow and steady wins the race.

But I'm thankful. While Ty and I were working out on the second day he made the comment "I'm sore as hell. Fuck my life." Well I live with an LML attitude...."love my life." And I really do. I'm sore but it's for my better health!!

I told Ty though "I'm sore as hell too....but at least we can walk and exercise on our own. My little Ethie can't do that." And really it's true. He can't. So I'm thankful that I have the ability to work out and appreciate my limberness in terms of being able to walk on my own. (Trust me, limber is a relative term....I'm not that limber in comparison to a good grip of the population but you catch my drift....)

And today I've been very frustrated, not being able to talk and answer questions. The few times I do choose to answer I have trouble "starting" my voice and then when it comes out my voice breaks and people can't understand me. On the other hand though, I think God is taking this opportunity to show me a new appreciation for my kiddos whom I have trouble understanding....our "nonverbals" and speech kiddos. I can more understand how difficult it may be for them to communicate and talk. I literally am having to use all my energy to talk, just like Ethie. But he does it with a smile on his face.....so I'm trying to learn to do it with a smile on my face as well!! How beautiful the gift of communication is....and how too often we take it for granted.

So even though I can't talk and climbing the stairs is a pain in my arsenal....I'm very thankful and feel so blessed right now. I can walk, and I can talk, and I better understand my kiddos' struggles that they go through day-to-day.

God, you sure do have a funny way of making me "slow my roll" to teach me patience and understanding. Thank You!!

Philippians 2:12-18

I'm sitting at the family computer, admiring the sunset that I can see out the den windows, watching the neighbor boys play baseball and banter back and forth, and watching the wind gently blow through the neighbors trees.

Earlier today I went outside and the smells of the season hit me. I could smell the blossoms on the tree and a very faint hint of lilacs...mmmmm :-) Earlier this week I got to enjoy the smell of fresh rain fall and dandelions in bloom. I got to watch caterpillars go through their transformations to become butterlies this past week (in our classroom, we had caterpillars to accompany our bug unit). How amazing it is to watch such a beautiful and intimate transformation of life. These beautiful butterflies start out as these small fuzzy worm-like creatures who literally grow before your eyes and spin these rather grotesque cocoons, only to transform into something amazingly beautiful.

Today our family enjoyed mother's day together. We were all together again, for another holiday, which is going to become more and more scarce as all of us kids start to grow up and start to date and start families and whatnot. It was another day to cherish each other. I attempted to cook, nothing big, just some chicken and veggies and fruit....and of course made brownies for dessert! Our family is so blessed, we all have our health, and no real huge problems in our life. We have each other, despite all the fighting and bickering that goes on. We all love each other and when it comes down to it we all have each other's backs and good intentions in mind. Praise the Lord for being so blessed!!

Last night I got to babysit one of my little sunshines....my little Ethie. If there's ever a time in my life where I can see God and see His amazing love and grace and power, it's in being with my Ethie. He's just so amazing for a kid of four who fights such huge battles every single day of his life!! His smile lights up my world and for someone to be SO excited to see me every single time, well it lets me know that the light of God somehow shines through me in some way :-) Ethie has built up his endurance in walking and literally walked/jumped my back out last night. He's such a TYPICAL little four year old boy other than the fact that he can't manipulate his body real well himself and relies on others....so of course I'm a pushover and play with him nonstop real rough for over an hour....so now my back has been in huge amounts of pain all day....but I wouldn't have it any other way. It was completely worth it.



After I put the boys to bed last night, I decided to help out Ethie's mom. I mean today is mother's day and she deserved to be treated a little bit. She's a mother to three children under 4 years of age, one being Ethie and the other being a 6-month old baby. That's a lot of work! So I did the dishes, cleaned up their kitchen, swept the floor, picked up the living room, and folded the laundry that she had not been able to get to that just laid on one of the couches. She was so surprised and loved it....she needed a day to just relax and enjoy her family and not worry about the house! And I'm glad I could help.

Annie in turn is blessing me, financially and spiritually this summer. She extended me an offer to come help out twice a week each week this summer to help play/watch Ethie and help Annie to get things done around the house, and to even on some days go with them to do fun things so she can actually enjoy being with the kids. She is going to compensate me rather well and I get to spend time with Ethie whom I adore immensely!! The Lord blesses us in ways we can't imagine. He always provides a door or a spectacular window when one door in our lives is closed.

As for other areas of my life, I am learning to be content. I have no idea when I'll get into nursing school. I have no dating life currently. My job with my kids will soon come to an end in two short weeks. And my future employment endeavors are within sight but of course never set in stone. I'm really trying to learn to be content. I'm trying to let God guide my life and not put up too much of a fight which I will admit, I'm stubborn and I fight Him a good portion of the time along the way. I'm asking a million questions and waiting for God to answer, and hoping I won't be too oblivious that I miss his answering.

We'll see where the road takes me here in these next few months. Always a crazy ride and never without a crazy story :-)

[Philippians 2:12-18]
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[c] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Ray of Sunshine

The past 24 hours have been highly emotional for a few reasons....of which I won't get into but they have been.

I went from being in a great mood with tons of positive energy to getting burned to building it back up to being shit on by my mother to feeling lost to feeling very raw to feeling completely lost to feeling hurt.....and then at the end of my night, my heart was melted.

I'm sure you could have guessed it. Ethie, one of my little kiddos melted my heart.

His mother called me this morning asking last minute if I could babysit. Her sister is in town and they wanted to have some couple time. Annie has three kids including Ethie. Ethie is a twin and then they have a baby girl who is only a few months old. Annie asked if I was sure and I said "Yes! I have no other plans tonight so that's perfect." She then proceeded to tell me that her sister has an autistic son and asked if I was comfortable with this. Of COURSE I said yes!! My other little fav kiddo is autistic. So I told her no problem.

Over the course of this break I've changed my look by cutting my hair and I have been wearing my glasses due to having very irritated eyes right now. I was afraid Ethie wouldn't recognize me.

But I walked in the door and saw Ethie laying on Annie's lap as she was changing him into his pajamas and at first he didn't recognize me. Annie told me later she had told him Ms. Nicole was coming over and he had gotten very excited but I could tell walking in he was a bit confused. When I said hi, his ENTIRE face lit up. He laughed and when he gets excited his whole body tenses up/flexes and that's exactly what he did!! His mom said that despite a fun-filled day at the zoo with his cousins and siblings, he hadn't been this excited all day.

He actually cried when his dad took him upstairs to put him to bed.

That just made my heart melt.

Later on that evening I had difficulties putting Lizzy, his baby sister down to sleep and it woke up Ethie. Their mutual crying kept each other awake and so I finally took Lizzy up by Ethie so I could try to mutually calm them down. Ethie of course got smiles from ear to ear when I came in but I soon found that laying them down next to each other wasn't helping Lizzy in the slightest. After a half hour of trying to get her to stop fussing I finally laid her down exasperated to let her try to cry herself to sleep (sometimes you just have to do that) and went up to comfort Ethie. Within five minutes Lizzy was asleep and Ethie was so excited to have Ms. Nicole cuddled up next to him.

He wanted to talk to me and tell me all about his day (he can't really talk but he can make noises and smile really big and grab my hand) and so I listened and laughed and smiled. And finally I told him that Ms. Nicole would sleep with him but he had to go to sleep. So I asked him if I could sing him a song and he not only smiled he said "yes" which he can say in his own little way. So I sang him a lullaby that my grams used to sing to me. He loved it....and he loved getting his tummy rubbed. I gave him cheek kisses and he smiled so big it made me almost start crying while I was singing to him.

I had to choke back tears of joy and love while I was singing.

After 20 minutes I finally was able to sing him to sleep and able to sneak out.

When I went downstairs I was comforted. I still am feeling very emotional and confused in my heart due to the things that made this past 24 hours so emotional. But in it all there is something of joy that I can carry with me.

I have made a positive impact on Ethie's life....so much of an impact that Annie said I was one of his favorite people. For me coming over to be the thing that brought him the most excitement and happiness that day completely melted my heart. I AM loved and making a difference by loving others :-) For me to see his beautiful smile when I simply walk in the room is wonderful. To see him SO excited when I cuddled up next to him and to watch him giggle when I kissed his cheeks is what makes any moment of pain worth those few moments of complete happiness that I have brought to someone else.

It's amazing. Ethie was my little ray of sunshine today. And I'm glad I could be a ray of sunshine in his life as well. There are few boys in my heart that truly have a piece of it and he is one of them.

Thank God for those little blessings.

cheek kisses for Ethie :-)

It Matters To Me

Sam: You think what they think.
Rita: It doesn't matter what I think. It matters that we win.
Sam: No, you think what they think. You think Sam can't take care of Lucy!
Rita: Sam, it doesn't matter what I think!
Sam: It matters to me!
[I Am Sam]

The above is a quote from the movie I Am Sam, which I watched for the first time last night in several years.

Of course I work with special education preschoolers, so none of this is new to me. I see it day-to-day, so maybe that's why the above example is why I was stopped in my tracks.

My little preschoolers are at a time when they are starting to really assert their own independence. They ALL need to be validated and supported and loved and trusted. Above all things, these are hugely important and impactful on the entire rest of their future. Now take that and multiply it by thousands and that's the importance it has in the life of a special ed preschooler.

I was thinking about this a lot last night while watching the movie.

It matters that others believe in us and validate us and care that we are people. But my little kiddos that are not the typical-model kiddos need this more than anything else in life. What I think, how I interact with them, MATTERS!!!!

To Ethie, it MATTERS that though his body is not capable of what his mind is capable of, that I treat him like a typical four-year-old and not like he's dumb. He might have a physical disability and not be able to walk and talk. But it matters that I don't treat him like he's incompetent nor a toddler. It MATTERS that I treat him like the four-year-old boy that he is. It MATTERS that we play catch with him, that our activities are modified for his bodily capabilities but not dumbed down as his mind is intact.

It MATTERS to Patrick that I love him and care about him. It matters to Sean that we keep pushing him. It MATTERS to my kiddos. And it will continue to matter their whole lives that people believe in them and validate them as people. As unique, special, charismatic people full of life, love and character.

What this all comes down to is that as people we matter. It does matter that others love us and believe in us and support us. It always matters. And well, to most of my kiddos, it matters more than the average joe as they are facing hurdles that none of us will or ever will face. My little Ethie has encountered more challenges and more hurdles in his short four years of life that I will ever face in my entire lifetime.

Yesterday I went and hit golf balls with Eric at the driving range. I grabbed my jacket and clubs and ran to the car. I carried my clubs and with ease took my jacket on and off. I unwrapped several candies on the way to the golf course and chewed them without any mess. I easily took swigs of water out of my water bottle. I nonchalantly exchanged conversation with Eric the whole ride. We laughed and kissed. We got to the range and I carried my clubs. I whacked golf balls not with what any golfer would call accuracy but with accuracy none-the-less given it was my first time hitting since September. I didn't need any help and easily did all these actions without any hesitance.

Ethan can neither sit, stand, nor walk on his own right now. It takes every ounce of effort for him to throw a ball straight at the ground.....using every muscle in his body to swing his arm. He cannot put on nor take off clothes. He only has a very small verbal vocabulary consisting of "mom, hey, hi, up, out, off, yes, no". He can sign "please, thank you, mine, me, my turn, sorry, more, all done, out, yes, no". His coordination does not him allow to eat without assistance and his fine motor activity is minimal. He could pick up the candy and attempt to eat it but it winds up in a rather large mess.

However, his smile and his laughs and his hugs are worth the world. He's so happy all the time. Why?! Because it matters to him that despite all of this that we care about him, believe in him, and treat him like any other 4-year-old with the exception of physically supporting/helping him.

I will never face those challenges. So why should I not be happy every single second of every day and count my thousands of blessings?! Why should I not take joy in my life, no matter what happens or doesn't happen?!

The above is the reason that I am so happy and so full of life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm naturally a very happy person. But even if I wasn't, my kiddos show me a million reasons why I should love my life and why I should always be happy and why my smartass smile never needs validation for it being across my face. It's simply there because I have so many blessings and reasons to be happy.

Making A Difference

The entire reason we are alive is to make a difference of some sort. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of this when we get to wrapped up in ourselves.

But I do have to say making a difference, in even the smallest way, is one of the greatest feelings ever that can leave one so incredily marked in a good way.

Working with Ethan these past few days have been amazing. I only get to work with him for three hours, four days a week, but that week it meant nine hours of me being one-on-one with him.

Ethan is in wheelchair bound and "non-verbal". He eats out of a feeding tube though he can chew and swallow and though he is four years old still wears diapers.

Cerebral palsy is hard to explain. It's like autism in that it encompasses a wide range of muscle problems and is caused by such a huge array of things that it's hard to explain but it affects the muscles and is caused by impairments in the brain via the nerves.

But Ethan is amazing to work with. He can't talk but he's so smart, when he gives choices. And he "talks" to us, he "talks" to me. He uses it via his eyes and his smiles. If something is a yes or desired, guess what.....there's an amazingly huge smile bestowed upon you. If it's a no or not desired, then no smile!!

On tuesday I got to start working with him one-on-one when Diane wasn't there and I had no choice but to learn hands-on how to exactly lift him and transfer him and change him, etc.

Since then I love working with him. I love being the one who gets to help him express.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving feast in which the kids got to help us "cook" some corn, instant mashed taters and instant gravy and then we made turkey & cheese kabobs with lunch meat and cheese. We had sparkling cider and store-bought cornbread and I baked a couple pumpkin pies.

On tuesday Ethan worked his heart out wanting to stand all day long (which is quite the exercise for him) and then also playing catch with a soft OT ball for him. On Wednesday he had OT with Mrs. Jenn who made him walk all the way down the hall and he played catch. So needless to say on Thursday he was really tired. It was very apparent that he was exhausted as he didn't have a desire to really stand at all and his little face just looked so worn out.

So it didn't surprise me when he told me through giving him choices that he wanted to sit. However, he was VERY adament that he wanted to sit either in my lap or in the chairs like the other kids and NOT in his wheelchair. His little eyes basically frowned at the picture of the wheelchair when I gave him that choice. So I sat behind him and held him like a seatbelt in the chair so he could eat with the other kids and participate in the activities or in my lap if we were down on the floor. He loved it!!! It made him so happy to sit with the other kids for the first time since I've been there rather than in his wheelchair. He loved being able to have that option!!!

But honestly, the whole point of me pouring this out is coming up. Before snack time or eating in this case, we always have to wash our hands. Because Mrs. Diane was usually with him and Kendall and myself and the other para were busy with our other 15 students, he usually stayed in his wheelchair and he never went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Basically it was because I'm not as good at the routine of everything like the others are so if Mrs. Diane or Mrs. Kendall was with him, they were still needed to help as we have 15 very energetic kids with their own issues. But as I (the least routinely-adapted one) was with him, I found I wasn't really needed too much as they are able to handle it. So I decided to start making it my goal to helping Ethan to do whatever the other kids are, because it's apparent that he wants to be normal just like them. So I suggested to Kendall that we put some soap in his hands and I would carry him to the bathroom and support him while the other para helped to rinse his hands in the sink. So we did it!!

And the excitement on Ethan's hands from being able to wash his hands like his classmates was the best part of my entire day yesterday!!! I got to make him so happy by simply helping him to wash his hands like the other kids. I did a simple act but made such a huge difference in his life yesterday by simply sacrificing myself to help him wash his hands and then sit in a chair like the other kids.

It was great to do such a small simple selfless thing that can really make such a huge difference in someone else's day.

That's the point of life and what I love to live for, helping others to make a difference in their life :)

Not to mention his little smile is so incredibly worth it!!

Perspective

The past couple days have been long, hard, exhausting.....yet so completely rewarding. I think it's been a lot about some mindset. But also about what's been going on.

I have huge qualms with my life but I also am able to see the blessings and beauty all the time. I just choose to vent about the negative a lot. But seriously there is beauty in every single day that I enjoy!!

Sunday was my day "off" though I spent six hours still at work helping to digitize chenelle for my parents. But before then I went to Michael's to get the stuff to work on the birthday present for Britt, which basically set me up to start my week off well with getting to do something creative. Then I got to "create" while digitizing, though it's not anything creative in my opinion.

But yesterday, I just woke up in a great mood. I went into work smiling and singing and it set me up for a great day with my kids. My days are not without hardships. Our afternoon class especially is just extremely hard and exhausting between the sheer amount of needs coming from 16 kids who have special needs of varying extremes and the amount of energy these particular 16 children possess. However, Diane, Kendall and I are now becoming a more well-oiled machine and it makes the day manageable. We laugh and joke and have figured out our own little dance of working together. We sitll face kinks and whatnot but it makes work enjoyable.

I've also found keeping a steady supply of caffeine (via coffee, espresso, or soda) seems to help sufficiently.

And then today Diane had to take her mom to the hospital. So her position had a sub and then our afternoon para is a new hire. We have two kids who require absolute one-on-one at all times. Ethan has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair-bound, nonverbal and Maddy is a three-year-old who functions at the level of an eleven-month-old. (Did I mention she doesn't take to strangers at all meaning she has to work with either Kendall myself or Diane) And this week Maddy is being a turkey and only wants to listen to Kendall. But because of all the logistics I worked with Ethan today as only Kendall and myself are trained on how to move and hold Ethan and Kendall needed to lead the class.

It was my first day of really handling Ethan as far as holding him for longer amounts of time, carrying him, changing him, etc. And today was one of his strong days for his muscles, and one of the days that he just really wanted to stand.....requiring extra amounts of physical strength than normal from any caregiver working with him. It was a good day but exhausting. Yet so completely rewarding. This little human being was reliant upon me for everything and I felt I had to be on my A-game the whole day but he was so content and so happy and did so well with the speech therapist and even though at first I was unsure and uncomfortable with handling him, being thrown in allowed me the chance to get comfortable and learn what works for me. It was challenging!! And I enjoyed that :)

And my phlebotomy class is going well :) I mean I don't feel confident to poke anyone without a preceptor watching me but I enjoy it, it's challenging, and I'm learning and I'm pretty good at what I've done so far (even though I've hit a few glitches). It just feels good to be challenged.

Life is about perspective. I've been bitching and moaning but there is so much beauty to my life even though it's not going the way I want it to. I have so many blessings I need to be thankful for and I can find so many rewards if I just look aorund.

Did I mention my favorite kid Patrick is learning how to hug (sounds like something you would normally know how to do but he's having to learn it) and today he came up to me while I was down at his level, said hi, put his head on my chest and his arms on my arms.....that's the closest I've come to a full hug from him and it felt wonderful. I live for those little moments right now.

They might be the most effective form of birth control ever but it doesn't mean they don't still all hold a special place in my heart!! Love love love those kids.

I just need a little bit of perspective every once in awhile :)

Rewarding

This is my second week working a specific job as a substitute special ed para for preschoolers at the elementary school I attended when I was a youngster. It's a little crazy being back as the school was remodeled and added onto the year after I "graduated" 5th grade and the playground equipment is different and the teachers are different.

But I have been enjoying my job.

At the end of the day, all I want is a beer and some adult conversation (between working with preschoolers and babysitting preschoolers, adult stimulation is VALUED and NEEDED) but I also thoroughly enjoy my time spent with the kids.

There are a few that have won over my heart. The Colorado Preschool Program requires that as many kids with "needs" are enrolled in the preschool as there are kids without "needs". These can range from sensory to physical to cognitive to developmental or in a lot of cases several interlinked. In the morning one kid with "needs" I have found is actually quite bright, but he's learned to play games with the teachers. However this kid has found a place in my heart.....today I felt that we are really connected, simply because I have been able to reach him at a point when most usually he's running away from everyone.

In the afternoon there are two little boys. One is especially smart, quick-witted and outgoing and I'd love to take him home with me most days. He's just a riot to be around. We seem to play a lot together (his younger brother who has "needs" is actually in our morning class and his brother's smile is absolutely precious.....he's my tickle buddy in the mornings). He also plays with the other little boy in our class regularly who has severe physical needs and that to me is just incredible, especially as he treats this other little boy as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

The other little boy in our afternoons is smart as ever but has cerebral palsy, which makes a lot of physical activity impossible or very very strenuous to do. However, I've found simply through sitting and high-fiving this little boy that his motions are farther progressed than the therapies' ladies have said. He has the same cognitive development as any kid his age, just can't talk or really keep control of his body for obvious reasons. But when he smiles it's the most warming thing you can imagine, and he smiles often. And he smiles often for me....he's just as happy as can be. And like I said, the other very smart little boy and him play quite well together.

Last week on the playground while E (the boy with cerebral palsy) sat in his wheelchair obviously not able to play with the others, D (the very smart little boy) helped me to blow bubbles and play ball with E. Today we had a very fun time at playtime simply playing "walky talkies", mixing up the color shakers and playing with these little colored bears.

It's amazing how fast certain kids warm up to me and then warm my own heart.

I can say this, there's something about me that seems to allow those with needs to relate to me. And all the kids love the colorful, crazy outfits I wear....especially the little girls. They come in everyday wanting to see what crazy bracelet or necklace I have on or what colors I'm going to be wearing. They love to comment on how mommy or daddy would never let them wear this or that. And it makes them happy :)

Working with the kids has been rewarding!! I can't say I'd do this long-term but right now I mostly enjoy my job. Just wish I had more adult stimulation sometimes!!!