Watched Rent tonight. It was an amazing movie....I actually enjoyed the movie much more so after I watched the documentary included about Jonathan Larson who wrote it. They told about his life, who he was, his dreams, his hopes, his hardships, his abilities and then how he wrote the musical. It was an absolutely inspirational thing to watch....it reminded me that there are hardships much more important than mine in this world.
It also reminded me lately how guarded I've been....around a good majority of people in my life, including my immediate family, Eric and a few close friends. Things have been so hard on me emotionally that my guard has been sky-high. It's my defense mechanism. I found myself letting myself really laugh whole-heartedly yesterday and it felt amazing; I have been too tense to do so for about a month now. Today I found myself laughing whole-heartedly again. It felt so good. The laugh that overtakes your whole body. It started chipping away at my defense mechanism.
Rent reminded me that despite all the emotional stuff going on and how hard it has been for me to cope with so much adjustment and transition, that I still need to be myself. I need to be exactly who I am. Which has been a little hard lately. I've found that when I'm at home, most comments directed at me are negative....whether they are making fun of me, my clothes, yelling at me for something, comments about hating events going on in life, etc. Because of that, I've been guarding my heart a little bit. It doesn't feel good to be constantly made fun of by those you live with and are supposed to be closest to you, so I sort of shut off. Not to mention I thrive off the energy around me; when the energy around me, especially towards me is negative it has a resonating effect that I can't quite shake off. It's hard to try to always go from that to letting my guard come down when I finally am no longer in it's presence. I only let my guard down around those that I am most completely comfortable around, those that I know I can and I don't have the fear of rejection anymore.
I've noticed it's effect on those around me. The negativity that lingers with me has an effect on every other event in my life. Starting tonight I realized I need to bring those guards down regardless. I need to continue being who I am, no matter what is going on. It's going to be hard as I built them awfully fast, but I think the best way to live my life is open and free and full of love and joy.
Why do I constantly have to be reminded of this?!?! I know it's true. I just think when my heart starts to hurt I just start protecting.
It doesn't suit my parents, who I try to gain their approval no matter how much I know it probably won't happen, but I live my life by my heart. I measure my life by the amount of love in it. I don't measure life by posessions or status.....but by the love and people in it and the amount of joy in my heart.
I can honestly say I have not much to my name, that really truly belongs to me. However, I'm the richest woman alive. I've been told by four friends and two family members that I mean the world to them and play an important role in their life. I have not done much to deserve their love or friendship but I am loved and have it regardless. I have the love of my God, His watchful eye approving (and when He doesn't He lets me know and steers me down a different path), which is of the utmost importance. I can only continue to receive love by giving it, which I do quite well and quite earnestly.
I stopped spreading love for awhile and I can tell it's not who I am. I'm getting back to it. My life is measured by love, and along with that love comes what fulfills me. It's back to working on being completely content and happy, and it all starts with love and taking those walls back down from my heart.
This time will be harder. I'm not in the nurturing supportive environment of my friends and ex-roommates as I was a couple months ago. But with God all things are possible :) and I'm too damn stubborn-headed to not share the joy and love that means so much to me!!
Jonathan Larson....thank you for your inspiration and the beautiful message and truth displayed in your musical.
Living in this moment for this moment is truly all I have. And living it with love.
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