Days spent by the pool, the sun kissing my face, the breeze playing with my hair, the birds singing their songs to us all and God smiling down. Sometimes there's nothing more beautiful than a Colorado sunset over the majestic Rockie mountaintops.
Yesterday I got to spend a relaxing afternoon and evening with Eric at the pool downtown. It felt marvelous, it was calming and took some of my stresses away.
This morning while I was driving to AIMS for orientation and to register for my phlebotomy class, I found myself very very stressed out, very concerned about money and where my future is headed. I was very upset that I feel like all those that can relate to me are miles away. I was once again very distressed by the fact that I feel as though my relationship with my parents is becoming nonexistant. I was grappling with the fact that who I really am deep down inside is not at all who my parents want me to be and we'll never be able to get along until they can understand who I am and love me for me, no matter how much they disagree with me.
So I rolled down my windows and felt the fresh beautiful air go by and started praying to God.
Dear Lord, thank you for this absolutely beautiful day, for the blessing of being able to live another day, to revel in your creation family and friends. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me, today and the rest of my life. Lord, I pray that you would calm my heart. Help me to not be anxious, for you have an amazing plan for my life. I know I'm not good at waiting but please grant me the patience to watch Your plan unfold. Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I lift my prayers up to you Lord, that you will calm my heart, mind and soul Lord to know that Your plan for my life is being revealed. Please provide me with the direction I should be taking and the open ears to hear what that direction should be. I continue to pray for peace for my parents Lord, that you will grant them a peace of heart. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I pray that you will continue to look after the health and well-being of my family Lord, that you will hold them up everyday and make your love and presence known. Lord, I pray that you will continue to work in all of our hearts to have blind faith, to have a peace of heart and mind, and the strength to take on each and every new day. You never give us more than we can handle Lord. Please help to keep that in each of our hearts. For beyond every obstacle, every teaching, is a blessing a thousand times better than we can ever imagine. Lord, I pray that if it's in Your will, that my relationship with my parents can be restored one day. That we can come to an understanding of who we are as people and love each other for who we are. I love my parents Lord, You know this, you see the deepest parts of my heart every day. But I fear losing a relationship all together because we can't simply talk. I've acknowledged who they are, and loved them for who they are, though I may not like them always. Please help them to do the same Lord. I don't know how to solve this problem but please keep working in all of our hearts so that one day things can be like they were before, though I fear they may not ever be. Father, please keep my parents under your wings. I fear that they are losing their blind faith in You, that You have a glorious plan for them, one that might not involve what they think it needs to. I pray that you will keep me going along my path, keeping you close in my heart. Please help me to find console in You lord, that above all else I am good enough for YOU even if not good enough for those close to me on earth. Please bless this day, for all my family. In your Son's name, Amen.
I then went into my orientation upon which I sort of started freaking out more about money problems, as this class will obviously cost me money, though it's highly worth it.
But then on the way back, I popped in one of my favorite cd's....Kenny Chesney's "Be As You Are". Something about it speaks to my soul....it's very soulful, so honest, it has that relaxed island music theme to it. It talks about being yourself, whoever that is, and loving that moment you are alive.
More than anything this last year, I learned from my friends that living for tomorrow is good, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. Right now is our only chance we get at life. I learned that my relationship with God is first and foremost and is THE most important relationship in my life. I have learned to love with all of my heart, to not be afraid to be who I am with everyone, to dance with every cell in my body, to laugh with everything I've got, and to enjoy the beauty of this earth. I believe in protecting our planet, in the power that a song can have on someone's life, and the majesty of believing in God and how having blind faith can bring the most awesome peace to my heart and blessings into my life. I truly believe that God adores who I am, as He made me, that I'm beautiful in my own sense and I've learned to be comfortable with who I am and what my body looks like. It took nine months and some very amazing hippie and genuine friends and nights spent praying to God to realize this but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I love who I am, though I know it disappoints some around me, most namingly my parents. It's hard. I've always wanted their approval but have felt I've always fallen just short. I know they don't like who I am right now, they think my priorities are messed up.
But they don't live in my heart, they don't know what I feel and think. They also haven't taken the time to get to know who I am and realize that yes I'm very different from them but it's ok, it's really ok. I'm not a bad person. I'm just different and I live my life a different way. Maybe a little more reckless and carefree but I'm happiest that way. I'm happy taking in all the small blessings of every day...no matter how small they are....rather than always worrying about the future. I'm happy singing at the top of my lungs and recycling. I'm happy when I'm around those who ask how my day was everytime I walk in the door and greet me with at least a hello. I'm happiest when though I don't agree with everyone all the time, I'm talking to someone who can listen and be content with being different and disagreeing with me.
"I'm french kissing life square in the mouth...sailing out onto sea....."
To hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England
Is different now and dead
In all the local bars
She flirts and tells the boys while they're talkin'
She's from Boston
She comes from Boston
Talks to her family now and then
Through e-mails and postcards
She tries to explain to them
That education and occupation will have to wait for now
She loves the Rasta, reggae rhythms, her dreams have changed somehow
[She's From Boston]
From that chair I've caught a few fish and some rays
And I've watched boats sail in and out of cinnamon bay
I let go of a lover that took a piece of my heart
I prayed many times for forgiveness and a brand new start
I've read a lot of books,
Wrote a few songs
Looked at my life where it's goin,where it's gone
I've seen the world through a bus windeshield, but nothing compares
To the way that I see it, to the way that I see it,
to the way that I see it when I sit in
that old blue chair
[Old Blue Chair]
I feel like a fish jerked out of the sea
Or a bird in a cage that's never seen a key
Sick of this grind and I think that I ought
To bring this grind to a grinding halt
Now I've had it up to here
Let's go down there
To guitars, tiki bars and a whole lotta love
Mangoes and Marley, you know, fit me like a glove
Sixth gear with nowhere to steer
When enough is enough
It's guitars, tiki bars and a whole lotta love
[Guitars & Tiki Bars]
There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why
There's something sexy about the rain
[Something Sexy About The Rain]
Tall green tree, yellow bird
Bikini bottom and a tie-dyed shirt
And my, my, my - my key lime pie
Big white sail, red sunset
Lobster tail and don't forget
My, my, my - my key lime pie
A six string, ten shots
Of Cruzan rum, hey, I like it a lot
With my, my, my - my key lime pie
Tortola, a full moon
Shining down on a blue lagoon
And my, my, my - my key lime pie
[Key Lime Pie]
I wish my parents could really just see how much I relate to this cd....they probably would just call me a granola like it's a bad thing. I sorta like being a granola :) But I love living my life for the moment, keeping the future in mind but not worrying about it. I take responsibility but love to live my life in my own state of bliss. What's so wrong with that?! I'm sure I can tell you all their arguments but I don't like to think that way.
I'm french kissing life square in the mouth :)
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