I'm having a very hard time falling asleep at night anymore.
I have been "alone" more so in the past week than ever before. I have spent a lot of time at night thinking through a lot of stuff, a lot of time on the bus praying, and a lot of time in my room or to myself trying to reconnect with hobbies of mine that I love to do (ie playing with my camera, making a scrapbook for my brother, cross-stitching, etc). The only texts I have been getting have been from family and roommates, not from guys....I'm not longer seeking out attention and affection from others.
For the past week, I have started on a new track of learning to get in touch with myself. Like I've said before, it's hard. I don't normally spend a lot of time dwelling on myself, my scars, my own heart, my needs. I spend a lot of time thinking of what I'd like to do but never really looking inside and letting myself dive.
Well sometimes I do, but I don't do it enough, let's put it that way.
A friend about a week ago, gave me a "swift kick in my ass". I go through my periods of highs and then my periods of lows. Talking to him he's made me realize that I'm attracting a lot of negativity to myself in the form of drama simply because I go through periods where I'm absolutely content with myself and then periods where I'm literally freaking out on the inside because I don't want to face myself. Not because I've done things I've regret, but because at that point in time there's a pain of some sort lurking just below the surface.
I think it's also brought on when I'm not doing things that are therapeutic to me, I'm not able to channel my thoughts/feelings, and I lack an ability to accurately express.
I've found that having this new camera has been therapeutic in the small week I've had it. I'm able to channel myself through something I love to do again. I'm SO excited to go watch my brother play ball and my other brother swim, not only because they rock and I love them, but they allow me an opportunity to bust out my camera, shoot, express, play and create. I've found that is very vital for me. One reason I love photography. I'm going to talk seriously to my parents about converting an old storage closet into a darkroom while I'm home.
I got to work on my brother's scrapbook for about three hours yesterday and while I was doing it I was so completely content, in my own zone, able to think, simply because I was expressing my feelings about my brother through something. I know that my brothers hardly look at these things, they might even find them corny (they ARE guys) but because I can express how I see them, how I love them, and how proud of them I are is so freeing for me. When they look at these, they will know that the pages may not be an accurate representation of that moment in time in their eyes, but it's how I saw it. It's how I made it come alive for them.
I'm very much looking forward to working on this house. I know that while I'm working on it I'm going to have days where I'm going to fill overwhelmed by the size of the project. But I think it will be good. It's going to be getting me moving, letting me express myself in a new way. I get to build something with my own hands. That's an absolutely amazing feeling. I love when after you finish a project you get to look at it and think "Yep I built that". You get a sense of accomplishment that doesn't come in the form of someone else grading you or from someone giving you attention....it comes in the form of self-satisfaction and knowing that YOU were able to build yourself while doing it.
I'm wondering if that's why I'm at such odds with myself. I don't get to spend time on the things I enjoy, the things that build me up, the things that leave me full....rather I have to spend time on the half-empty, the unfulfilling for me. Sure getting an A on that test is all great and good....but after so many it's not fulfilling anymore. You go to class, you memorize, you pour it out, you get the grade. What did you do that is self-gratifying?! To me nothing.
Because I have been alone I've had a lot of time to do self-reflection. Which is part of why I'm maybe not sleeping so well. I have a lot of questions in my head about my future. But I've been able to get alot accomplished. I got all of my homework finished, started on newer projects, learned the basic settings of my camera, worked on a scrapbook, took some pictures, went to all my classes, paid attention, took extensive notes, finished a project, set up much-need appointments (eye exam, gyn exam, mock interview, etc). It's been fulfilling. And all through it I've been gauging how I feel with each activity. How much enjoyment I get from each, the fulfillment it gives me, how I feel afterwards, and the role it can play in my life.
I realize that in my last post, I'm still clinging to my past with Scott in a form. It's been difficult unweaving such a huge part of my past out. In order to do it, I have to face my feelings, I have to be truthful. It hurts! Yes, there I said it. It hurts...a lot. More than I thought it would. And I think it's because for so long Scott WAS my future. Scott was a part of me. He no longer is. My future has to be reshaped without him. I have to reshape myself without him. He didn't change me, but he influenced my life majorly. That influence is gone and it's going to reshape who I am. Nevermind the amount of figuring out who I am this last semester, it's a HUGE LONG process filled with lots of questions and lots of roadmapping. I feel a part of my anxiousness about it die down as I pour out my thoughts which is why I write so frequently in this blog, and why it's honestly always all over the place emotionally. It's up and down and all around mainly because I'M up and down and all around trying to figure out a lot in my life. I have my good and bad days, good and bad weeks, good and bad months.....and well it's reflected in my thoughts. I always write what's resonating in my brain the most that day. Some days I have found, things are painful when it comes to the issue of Scott. Mainly because I'm so sensitive about having hurt him (I don't LIKE to hurt others), because there are some things that send painful twings down my body still, and because I do care that no one hurts him as I know he's pretty fragile. Which is part of what I battle myself. I'm not responsible for taking care of him but for so long I did. I'm having to learn to unweave that out of my life. I'm no longer his protector and old habits die hard, especially as I am a huge protector naturally when it comes to those I care about. Mess with any of my family or friends that I care about and you deal with me.
Certain things still send twings down my spine. I'll admit it but from here on out, I'm letting myself feel the twing and I'm moving on. It's natural but I won't dwell. I have been coaching myself on this all this week. It's tough. I don't mean to let it twing, it just happens. I don't sit and think about Scott but when something happens to remind me painfully of him, it resonates. I'm learning to let it go, I'm unweaving, and I'm learning on completely letting go.
Scott has made it obvious that we can't even maintain a friendship, therefore I'm learning to completely let go. Maybe in the future one day again we'll be friends, once I've completely let go and he's worked through all his all-over-the-place-ness. But I'm not going to plan on it, I'm not going to ask questions, I'm not going to ask the what-if's, I'm not going to dwell on what had been or what we had planned for the future.
God has some very mysterious future for me. I'm currently trying to figure out a little bit what that is. Not big picture (like career, family, kids, retirement, etc) but little picture: graduation, summertime plans, what I'm going to write my nursing school application about, what fulfilling project can I do right now to let me channel my energy/thoughts/feelings, what I can do to make life more meaningful and content and joyful.
I'm learning to calm my anxiousness, trying to teach myself to drink in the moment (so much easier said than done sometimes) and trying to learn to live for the blessings I have in my life currently.
I am trying to learn to not focus on male attention other than in the form of my father and brothers (the only men in my life who will be there for the right reasons). If it happens, well that's great, but I am working on not seeking it out and working on not letting it play a huge factor. If it happens, well then that's great, but it's not needed. My heart needs me and God...and that's all.
I'm honestly serious about this. I don't like an anxious heart. I've ignored it for so long that it's built up.
I'm going to focus on the blessings, the important things, the little enjoyments I have in my life right now:
1. Watching my brothers grow and blossom and their personalities. Kevan's scrapbook has been fun. Marshall's was all centered around sports and girls, Kevan's is more time with friends and family and his music. Marshall's baseball has been a blast to document and Kevan's swimming has been great to watch him excel in. Kevan has been accepted into Chadron State University for "audio engineering" (he wants to become a record producer or the like). I hope Marshall gets the chance to walk-on to a 4-year university to continue playing baseball. Currently I can't relate to my youngest brother Reece or get to know him. It's not that I don't want to but it's not a part of our relationship yet. I love him and go to his ball games and support him, but our relationship will start to blossom a little farther on in life.
2. Projects: the house, developing my photography skills, continually working on my cross-stitch, scrapbooks, applying to nursing school, establishing the native american bloodline for our family.
3. Family. I don't think I can say enough about that....but it's pretty self-explanatory.
4. The warm weather that is coming. This will allow me a chance to get outside more, to drive around the state more and take pictures, the ability to be outside and be in God's creation not man's. It will allow me to be able to breath fresh air and see brilliant blues. To hear the birds chirp in the morning and the sounds of early morning risers. The geese squaking occasionally, the dogs barking.
5. Getting to spend time with people I love and care about: random conversations with friends, meeting new people, recently reconnecting with a lot of old friends from my past (funny how they all come at once), spending time with my brothers and their friends, getting to meet new guys (yes it is fun to get to meet new guys and flirt).
One thing I'm looking forward to in my future: taking a hike with a great friend, Ray, and taking pics. He can read people so well and though he's in his 50's and the janitor in the student center, he's a great friend that I can relate well to and who always has great advice.
One thing I'm working on to make my future easier: studying....to get good grades and to really get my work done in a timely manner.
One thing I'm excited about for tomorrow: watching Marshall play baseball or Kevan swim (whichever one I'm able to make), to take some awesome pictures with my camera, and to wear a cute new shirt I found on sale last weekend.
One thing I'm trying to stay positive about: my senior seminar projects.
One thing I'm curbing my attitude on: boys, boys, boys....and how they don't need to be there but how if they are there, well it's ok to flirt.
One thing I am working on emotionally: being content with the moment (because I'm writing, at this moment I am completely content).
One thing I'm nervous about: my inevitable relapses of character....I'm determined to faithfully be working on these things.
Starting this week, I am working on myself. I'm not trying, I'm working on it. I honestly am working on it. Will I always succeed, no. Will I have bad days, yes. But I'm working on it. I'm working on finding fulfillment in this moment, what's in my life and what's not in my life, what I know about my future and what I don't know about my future, and being truthful to myself.
"You said you'll meet us in the middle of the afternoon
we said we're frusterated.
and you tried to take us.
"Go on, get ready, cause it's coming soon"
Well no thanks, we'll make it.
So it brings us back to this.
Something's got to give.
So are you listening?
Or are you coming around again?
All deliberate speed- Lately you've been comtemplating.
Is this real or is this fading? What brought you here in the first place?
Everyone around us screams "It's got to be and it's got to hit you."
Well, you and me, well we could change the world.
We could drive and we could take our stuff on out of here.
Well we'll leave with the sunrise.
This place and this city it's good for nothing but for feeling down.
Let's say we'll break it.
Losing sleep for days.
Is this just a phase?
Are there other ways?
The one who sings is the one who pays.
All deliberate speed- Lately you've been comtemplating.
Is this real or is this fading? What brought you here in the first place?
Well everyone around us screams "It's got to be and it's got to hit you."
Well, you and me, well we could change the world.
Sound off we're going to L.A.
You wanted to be the one who makes it happen so...
Sound off we're going to L.A.
If it's gonna be then we've got to give.
But it's got to be enough for me."
[All Deliberate Speed by Mae]
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