Purging

I was reading through all of my myspace blog posts yesterday....deleting ones that I no longer wanted on there and going through my old thoughts.

Reading through them I definitely wrote a little bit more different. I was a little more optimistic, I wrote about smaller things, I wrote a lot more about God.

Which got me to thinking, what has changed so much in the last two years that I can see that difference?

My relationship with God used to be on the forefront of EVERYTHING. I lived and breathed my relationship with God, I boasted it, I scream it to the world. I no longer do that. I'm not sure if it's because I got tired of everyone beating me down because I'm a Christian or if I just got tired of people classifying me as a certain type of Christian. I would write about what sort of Christian I was, which got me thinking, why did I always feel the need to write that I'm not the bible-thumping, tell you you're a horrible person who's going to hell, type of Christian. I think I really got burned on being lumped into those categories, tired of having to defend myself, and tired of people assuming I'm someone I either am or am not.

I still live my faith, I express my faith constantly to others, I just don't think I scream it to the world anymore because....well I'm not being a martyr, I'm being human. I want to be accepted and liked. Call me crazy but I do. I got tired of not fitting in. I don't want to be looked at as "that girl"....the prude, goody-goody that you can't talk to, who won't do anything fun, who will judge you. I got tired of that. So now I simply live my life and while others know that my faith is important to me that it's not going to be something I will constantly push down others throats.

And I have gotten a little bit more liberal. I love hanging out with friends, going to the bars, drinking....one of my biggest loves is kissing. Please don't make this out to be something slutty. I've only kissed eight guys since I've been a freshman in high school and been intimate with less than half that number. I guess I am not the straight-laced Christian I used to be in that sense. A lot of that I believe comes with the coming-of-age stuff in our society...like turning 21, getting your heart broken for the first time, etc.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I've just noticed that change in me.

I also think a lot of my posts were about simpler, smaller things as I was a lot more naive to the ways and events of the world. Since then I have learned a lot more about sex, war, drugs, alcohol, crime, social justice, divorce, diversity, etc. In a way, it ripped me from my bubble of everything being so innocent and happy all the time to the realness of the world.

This is not to say I'm not still optimistic and don't take absolute pleasure from the small things in life. I do. I guess my skin is just a little bit more tougher to the hardships of this world and because of it, my ways of thinking and henceforth ways of writing are not so innocent and sheltered.

My mind no longer dwells all the time on "this little thing made me happy, the world will always be so bright and wonderful". Ok so yes my brain still thinks that a lot!!! Most of the time really. But I'm also going through a time in my life where for once I really have to focus on the now, on what's going on, and make some huge, serious decisions. I don't like having to make them.....ick, it means I'm really an adult. But I think that now parts of my brain are consumed with "more important things" that are more pressing whereas before those things weren't there.

Ok, this post is making me sound so much more negative than I was wanting it to. I'm not negative. I do view the world as beautiful and magical and majestic and awe-inspiring. I take so much pleasure in the little things. I am happy and optimistic and I get giddy about the stupidest things. I do still love God, He's my reason for living and being and is the guiding factor in my entire life.

I guess I just think a little differently, a little more adult, and a little more worrisome based on the point I am in life and all the stuff I'm going through with reaching cross-roads in every direction and trying to live, learn and grow. More of my brain space has to be dedicated to making "serious, adult" decisions that will alter my entire life course and I don't even know how yet.

I really think that I'm just growing. I'm evolving and becoming the woman God meant me to be. I'm at that inbetween phase. You know?!

Like when I was looking back through my pictures I noticed this: I was an adorable beautiful vivacious little girl.....all the way up until I hit around middle school. Right now I am an adorable, beautiful, strong, stubborn, vivacious woman. But there was a time where I was completely awkward....I was shy, klumsy, had big hair, glasses, crooked teeth and a very bad taste in dressing myself. I think I'm in that awkward point in my life right now. It's a huge transition period that I can't just be my carefree self ALL the time. I'm learning SO much about myself it's hard to always be that beautiful happy-go-lucky woman. I'm making mistakes, tripping over myself and my decisions, stumbling along groping for answers.....and I think my blogs highly reflect that.

We see my bipolarness due to making decisions....one day I'm on top of the world and praising, singing, laughing, cracking jokes.....and then the next something is deeply troubling me or something is grating under my skin.

I find myself having actively relax and calm myself more than ever. Not because I WANT to be agitated and anxious....but because life has worked out to be that way right now with everything coming from all angles at me right now.

I want to say this to anyone who reads my blogs....I really am not such a moody, bitchy, pessimistic person. Just realize I'm dealing with a lot right now, not just in making decisions, but really trying to get a grasp on my life and who I am. I am carefree and loving and independent and stubborn and enthusiastic and optimistic and faithful most of the time to the point of driving others nuts. However, that other part of me that's worrisome and anxious comes out a little bit more now and because this is my blog, this is where it comes out.

This is literally where you see me battle myself emotionally....where you see me going from caring about relationships to not wanting to be in one the next day. Where one day things between me and my family are fine and the next week things are haywire. Where one day I have a crush on this boy and next week I have a crush on another boy. Where one day I am conquering the world and the next day I feel like life just bitch-slapped me right across the face. I come here to share my elation as well as to vent my steam. I come here to pour out worries and also to pour out hopes and dreams. This is where I purge.

And one day I'll read back over this post and shake myself at how crazy I sounded and how completely erratic I was but also remember that at this point in time I was who I was and I was happy and I was learning and growing and loving and making mistakes and evolving.