Tomorrow evening and Saturday morning are going to be two very hard days of my life.
Tomorrow evening is Ethan's viewing and Saturday morning will be his funeral aka life celebration.
This week I've been able to hold myself together rather well. Early morning and right before bed are the hardest for me. That's when my mind has enough time for it to sort of be realistic as my head goes back to a ton of memories.
However, I'm handling this well because I'm simply not dealing with it. It isn't real. I'm going through the motions. But not the emotions.
Ethan was very special to me....and a huge part of my heart. In the past year-and-a-half Ethan slowly wove himself to become an extension of me, a special treasure that slowly started to fuse himself into the innermost parts of my heart.
My life has changed so dramatically since I first met Ethan and Ethan is a huge part of the reason that I am who I am while I sit here and write this. He has not only become a part of me but Ethan has taught me so much about who I am, who I'm not, and about life. He has given me so much more than I could ever give him and taught me so much more than I could have ever taught him.
Ethie was my little ray of sunshine. Quite literally. His smile always lit up the room...but Ethie never failed to light me up. It didn't matter what was going on in my life, what hardships I face, what mood I was in. As soon as I was Ethan, my heart was warmed, my life was brighter, I had hope, and I had joy. Ethan was the most joyful, happy person I have ever met....and he faced hardships daily that I couldn't even imagine facing. He lived his life with joy. In all the time I ever knew him I only heard him really cry twice. Well I heard him cry at night when I babysat for the first bit but I never heard him really CRY but twice. Twice. It didn't matter if he could or couldn't do it, he never gave up trying. It didn't matter if his body couldn't keep going, he never gave up. Even when he couldn't breathe, even when his body was exhausted and failing, he kept pushing it. And he smiled, all the time. I almost never saw him without a smile. There wasn't a time that I couldn't make him laugh or giggle. It was who he was.
And it was through his smiles and love that I found a love that I can't imagine never having felt. I don't have my own kids but I have known the pure, unconditional, wonderful love of a child. And it's so beautiful.
Ethan's love and his smiles and his friendship saved my heart in so many ways since I met him.
My life is richer because of his presence. And because of the presence of his parents.
Annie and Justin are two of the most humble, loving, dedicated and wonderful couples/parents I have ever met. Their example of parenthood and marriage and love towards each other has been so amazing. They welcomed me into their home and their lives, entrusting me with all of their children and entrusting me in the care of their special little boy. They allowed me to come into their home and lives and to receive the love of their children and bond with them in very special unique ways; and I can't thank them enough for that. It has meant the world for me. I don't think Annie and Justin realize how much of an impact their family has had on my life and the special place they will always have in my heart in so many ways. Words like appreciation and gratefulness are simply and never will be sufficient.
God knew I needed Ethan. And I would like to think that in some small way Ethan's life was made a bit more peaceful and happier because I was able to serve him and to serve our Heavenly Father by serving Ethie's needs.
Tomorrow is going to be hard for me. And quite sad. It is going to be all too real.
But I have a sense of peace. Ethan fulfilled his purpose here on earth. And while I am so heartbroken to see him go, I look at my heart and how rich it is, how full it is, because of his presence in my life...and then I look at how many other people he was able to impact in his short five years on earth. I only hope that I can impact a fraction of the lives that Ethie was able to impact and touch in his short five years. More than that, I know that our Heavenly Father has a greater purpose for Ethie in heaven than here on earth. God works everything for a purpose. And He needed Ethan. Ethan was called home. Ethan is now free from the restraints of his earthly body. Ethan is now FREE of the restraints of his earthly body that kept him from doing everything that he wanted to do.
I also am very thankful to the Lord that Ethan died peacefully. I think that the Lord knew on top of the rest of my overwhelmed life that taking Ethan would be a bit unbearable for me. And I thank God so much for allowing me to opportunity to have one last evening with Ethie on thursday before he passed.
Ethan was so excited to see me come over that night! I only got to play with him for a mere 20 minutes before I put them to bed but I got to shoot guns with him and tickle him and play high-five with him. I walked him down the hall with him giggling as I was making him "leap" down the hall. Kaden had picked out three books to read (I always read three books Kaden picked out and then a fourth that we always had to read). I then let Ethan brush his teeth...and of course he giggled because when I said "ok we're all done dude" he found it amusing to pick up his tooth brush again and clamp his teeth down on it and laugh. I then picked him up and carried him into bed.
Kaden had found three books but we couldn't find the fourth book, the book we always had to read...I Love You Through and Through. I looked up high and low, in the bedroom and the office for the book. And I couldn't find it. I didn't like that, because I loved that book. I read it the first time I ever tucked the boys in and it was perfect. I loved those boys and I got to tell them that in this book. Not to mention it was interactive as I always had them point to the body part or make the expression. At the end of the book it says "I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow, too." I loved that I got to tell them that when I read the book!! However I couldn't find the book...but my thought was "well there's always next time".
So I got to read them the books, and tell them I loved them through and through. Ethan got to point to the pictures in the book and he smiled each time he did. Then I tucked them in. Kaden first, like always, because he's on the top bunk. Snug as a bug in a rug. I'd tuck the covers in tight at their sides. I asked Kaden where he wanted his kisses, the forehead or cheek, to which he hid under the blanket as normal so I tickled him out and gave him a big ol smooch on the cheek and told him I loved him. And then I went down to Ethan. Snug as a bug in a rug. And he smiled at me. I asked him where he wanted his kisses, his forehead or his cheek, to which he pointed straight at his forehead. So I gave him four forehead and kisses and then he pointed again (like normal) so I giggled and gave another and did this a couple times. I finally said "last one!". I then told the boys I loved them and I would see them later and to sleep tight. I then turned off the lights, said "I love you" again and walked out.
About 45 minutes later I went in to check that he was still on his back and breathing, I put my hand on his chest to feel it rise and put my head down next to his to hear him breath and then I walked back out, feeling good knowing that Ethie was doing ok.
And that's the last time I saw him. But I am so thankful, because I got to love up on him one last time, and play with him one last time. I think the Lord knew I needed that and wouldn't have been able to be ok without that.
I regret that I couldn't read Ethan our special book...but in the grand scheme of things it's ok because I got to tell him I loved him one last time and got to tell him goodnight. I needed that. And I think in the long run, I will be able to handle this better because of it.
I will miss Ethan....more than I can express. This world is a little less brighter. But I hope that through Ethan's lessons I can live my life with a lot more joy and a lot more love and I can impact the world in those same ways.
I love you through and through, Ethan J Tanner.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I Love You Through and Through
I love your top side
I love your bottom side
I love your inside
and outside.
I love your happy side
your sad side
your silly side
your mad side.
I love your fingers
and toes
your ears
and nose.
I love your hair
and eyes
your giggles
and cries.
I love you running
and walking
silent
and talking.
I love you through and through,
yesterday
today
and tomorrow too.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Gallery, eh?
It would be an understatement to say that I keep our household current and keep it organized. And by that I mean I'm constantly the one making sure the house stays clean and organized and neat and I put things where they belong. And on top of that I sorta decorate and keep all the picture frames current and keep everything updated. Not like a show home but if we have stuff then why not use it and rotate it and keep it looking good?!?!
Anywho, I found a ton of photo frames a few years ago and upon my mom's go-ahead I put up these frames with a theme down the hallway. And then I found all of our huge senior photo prints in the storage closet so I helped my mom find matting frames and we found a place to display them on the wall in the dining room. I just updated another hallway's pictures that were over a decade old as far as the pictures of us kid so I updated them and added new family photo frames up, including pictures of my brother's wedding.
Well on top of that, my mom has started adding my personal photography around the house. First she added a rose collage series on her bedroom wall (she LOVES roses and they happened to be our rose bushes in the backyard). And now she is requesting some of the photos I took at the wedding along with some of the sunflower fields that I took awhile ago.
On top of that I have TONS of photo frames upstairs that I take care of and update. Most of it is my own photography with the exception of a whole bunch of family photos that I will edit from any camera and take. I also have paintings and drawings that I've done along with paintings that friends have done.
Basically I have no portfolio, other than some of what I shoot that makes it on my wall. I don't consider it really great work but I do get compliments on it and my mom says I have an "eye", whatever that means. I'm not quite sure about that but I've heard several people comment on some of my photos. I take pride in what I do display has very little to no editing but I don't have high-tech stuff to take "great" shots. I just shoot from my heart and I LOVE shooting my little kiddos.
Anywho, my mom keeps sending me links of people who are looking for wedding photographers. I am SO not good enough for that. However, I have been wrestling with the idea (especially at my mom's encouragement) of selecting a number of photos and finding a small shop or coffee shop or such that will display some of my photos for sale. I think it would be awesome if I could somehow make a little bit of money off of my work if others like it. It might be a random and hopeful dream but I have been tossing it around a little bit....
First off I would need to choose a selection of my photos that I would like others to know me by. And then after that I'd have to somehow come up with a watermark logo and then I'd have to find a shop that would be willing to display my photos (assuming they liked them). But before that, I have to get the courage to do it!!!
Maybe soon ;-)
However, here's what I would like to ask anyone who actually reads this....do you think more people are inclined to buy color or black-and-white or does it really just depend on the photo?!
Anywho, I found a ton of photo frames a few years ago and upon my mom's go-ahead I put up these frames with a theme down the hallway. And then I found all of our huge senior photo prints in the storage closet so I helped my mom find matting frames and we found a place to display them on the wall in the dining room. I just updated another hallway's pictures that were over a decade old as far as the pictures of us kid so I updated them and added new family photo frames up, including pictures of my brother's wedding.
Well on top of that, my mom has started adding my personal photography around the house. First she added a rose collage series on her bedroom wall (she LOVES roses and they happened to be our rose bushes in the backyard). And now she is requesting some of the photos I took at the wedding along with some of the sunflower fields that I took awhile ago.
On top of that I have TONS of photo frames upstairs that I take care of and update. Most of it is my own photography with the exception of a whole bunch of family photos that I will edit from any camera and take. I also have paintings and drawings that I've done along with paintings that friends have done.
Basically I have no portfolio, other than some of what I shoot that makes it on my wall. I don't consider it really great work but I do get compliments on it and my mom says I have an "eye", whatever that means. I'm not quite sure about that but I've heard several people comment on some of my photos. I take pride in what I do display has very little to no editing but I don't have high-tech stuff to take "great" shots. I just shoot from my heart and I LOVE shooting my little kiddos.
Anywho, my mom keeps sending me links of people who are looking for wedding photographers. I am SO not good enough for that. However, I have been wrestling with the idea (especially at my mom's encouragement) of selecting a number of photos and finding a small shop or coffee shop or such that will display some of my photos for sale. I think it would be awesome if I could somehow make a little bit of money off of my work if others like it. It might be a random and hopeful dream but I have been tossing it around a little bit....
First off I would need to choose a selection of my photos that I would like others to know me by. And then after that I'd have to somehow come up with a watermark logo and then I'd have to find a shop that would be willing to display my photos (assuming they liked them). But before that, I have to get the courage to do it!!!
Maybe soon ;-)
However, here's what I would like to ask anyone who actually reads this....do you think more people are inclined to buy color or black-and-white or does it really just depend on the photo?!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Good Reads
So I thought I would make a little list of my recent reads that I would recommend to others to read.
I love reading and I love a great story...however, I don't spend as much time reading anymore but when I DO read a book and I like it, I totally will share it with everyone else.
Right now I'm on this Jodi Picoult kick...her books are really good. She has a unique way of writing where she bumps back and forth from the perspective of all the important characters so you get to really get in the head and get to know each character that is important to the novel. As well, her novels offer moral dilemmas that make you think. In each of her books, the ending always astounds you and sometimes the ending isn't even really a full ending - sometimes you are left with lots of questions. But in her stories before you read it, if someone were to ask you the question "What would you do if (insert moral dilemma situation)?" you think you can answer with a cut and dry response. Her books then hit you with the morality and humanness of the said situation and they make you think. You become part of the story and you can't answer so easy. As the story goes on you start to relate to each character and see all sides of the dilemma.
Anywho here are a couple of those stories I LOVED and would recommend:
*My Sister's Keeper - I don't care if you have seen the movie, but ESPECIALLY if you've seen the movie you HAVE to read the book!! The reason: the book is SOOO much different than the movie. This is one of those movies I REALLY wanted to slap Hollywood for making a movie. Seriously Hollywood completely changed the story and kept the title...and they didn't tell the story the way it happened AND they left out a crucial character and storyline. Ugh. Please read it. The book is great!!
*House Rules - If you have ever known someone with autism, or more specifically someone with Asperger's, this book is hilarious. The plot of the story isn't funny but getting to watch this author so wonderously and accurately get in the head of an autistic kid was amazing but she did it SO well that I was envisioning my kiddos. It made me laugh as it reminded me so much of a couple of my kiddos and their own little autistic tendencies!
There is another story by an author named Kristin Hannah called Firefly Lane that encompassed a lifelong friendship between two girls who became best friends in middle school and never looked back. It goes from their childhood to their dreams and how their friendship falls apart but the sister-like bond that these two women have. I literally cried the whole last part of the book (yes I'm a chick....which funny enough I wrote a post about this book making me realize how much of a chick I am because it made me cry) and it was an amazing read. I totally recommend it!!
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini is an amazing "cultural" read that I would recommend to anyone. I don't even want to try to explain it...just pick it up and read it!!
Right now I'm working on getting started reading The Shack and then I'm going to read Memoirs of a Geisha. As a slow guilty pleasure read I'm also reading The Tattoo Chronicles by Kat Von D (which is basically her journal turned into a book) and I read an entry from that from time-to-time.
Man on man, too many good reads, so little time....
I love reading and I love a great story...however, I don't spend as much time reading anymore but when I DO read a book and I like it, I totally will share it with everyone else.
Right now I'm on this Jodi Picoult kick...her books are really good. She has a unique way of writing where she bumps back and forth from the perspective of all the important characters so you get to really get in the head and get to know each character that is important to the novel. As well, her novels offer moral dilemmas that make you think. In each of her books, the ending always astounds you and sometimes the ending isn't even really a full ending - sometimes you are left with lots of questions. But in her stories before you read it, if someone were to ask you the question "What would you do if (insert moral dilemma situation)?" you think you can answer with a cut and dry response. Her books then hit you with the morality and humanness of the said situation and they make you think. You become part of the story and you can't answer so easy. As the story goes on you start to relate to each character and see all sides of the dilemma.
Anywho here are a couple of those stories I LOVED and would recommend:
*My Sister's Keeper - I don't care if you have seen the movie, but ESPECIALLY if you've seen the movie you HAVE to read the book!! The reason: the book is SOOO much different than the movie. This is one of those movies I REALLY wanted to slap Hollywood for making a movie. Seriously Hollywood completely changed the story and kept the title...and they didn't tell the story the way it happened AND they left out a crucial character and storyline. Ugh. Please read it. The book is great!!
*House Rules - If you have ever known someone with autism, or more specifically someone with Asperger's, this book is hilarious. The plot of the story isn't funny but getting to watch this author so wonderously and accurately get in the head of an autistic kid was amazing but she did it SO well that I was envisioning my kiddos. It made me laugh as it reminded me so much of a couple of my kiddos and their own little autistic tendencies!
There is another story by an author named Kristin Hannah called Firefly Lane that encompassed a lifelong friendship between two girls who became best friends in middle school and never looked back. It goes from their childhood to their dreams and how their friendship falls apart but the sister-like bond that these two women have. I literally cried the whole last part of the book (yes I'm a chick....which funny enough I wrote a post about this book making me realize how much of a chick I am because it made me cry) and it was an amazing read. I totally recommend it!!
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini is an amazing "cultural" read that I would recommend to anyone. I don't even want to try to explain it...just pick it up and read it!!
Right now I'm working on getting started reading The Shack and then I'm going to read Memoirs of a Geisha. As a slow guilty pleasure read I'm also reading The Tattoo Chronicles by Kat Von D (which is basically her journal turned into a book) and I read an entry from that from time-to-time.
Man on man, too many good reads, so little time....
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Culture
Today I got to thinking about the value of culture, what it plays in our lives, and the emphasis we put on it.
Romero, my brother from Brazil (foreign exchange student) is visiting for a couple of weeks. And today we went to his other host family's place for a Brazilian dinner. Nancy and Terri love Brazil and have hosted a number of foreign exchange students from Brazil and visit Brazil about every two years for missionary trips.
So a few of those former host students live in the surrounding area and with Romero back in the US for these past couple weeks, they decided to have a Brazilian dinner.
The food was delicious and it was awesome to learn a little bit about the culture.
But it's so amazing to watch two cultures come together.
Here's what I've noticed from interacting with lots of people from all over the world:
Everyone loves to share about their culture. For the most part, humans are self-centered. And we love to share what is familiar to us and our lives. Not only is Romero really quick to talk about his culture but we are quick to tell him about ours. And this is how people are. We WANT to share our way of life with others.
Culture is important. Believe it or not, we identify by our culture. It molds and shapes it and we have to justify it and make it something that is semi-appealing. But culture makes up all of who we are. And parts of it mold us to become parts of our culture that we don't want to be.
We LOVE to experience other cultures!! We love to be exposed to new things.
Ok well that last one might just be me ;-) But I love getting to experience new foods and languages and ways of life. I mean I'm not always comfortable with it but it's SO FASCINATING to see how differently other people live, yet how at the same time just HOW similar we are. I love culture.
I want to go travel and experience many many more cultures. I'll always love my culture, where I come from, what has shaped me. It will always be home. But I would love to go see the cultures of the rest of the world :-)
Romero, my brother from Brazil (foreign exchange student) is visiting for a couple of weeks. And today we went to his other host family's place for a Brazilian dinner. Nancy and Terri love Brazil and have hosted a number of foreign exchange students from Brazil and visit Brazil about every two years for missionary trips.
So a few of those former host students live in the surrounding area and with Romero back in the US for these past couple weeks, they decided to have a Brazilian dinner.
The food was delicious and it was awesome to learn a little bit about the culture.
But it's so amazing to watch two cultures come together.
Here's what I've noticed from interacting with lots of people from all over the world:
Everyone loves to share about their culture. For the most part, humans are self-centered. And we love to share what is familiar to us and our lives. Not only is Romero really quick to talk about his culture but we are quick to tell him about ours. And this is how people are. We WANT to share our way of life with others.
Culture is important. Believe it or not, we identify by our culture. It molds and shapes it and we have to justify it and make it something that is semi-appealing. But culture makes up all of who we are. And parts of it mold us to become parts of our culture that we don't want to be.
We LOVE to experience other cultures!! We love to be exposed to new things.
Ok well that last one might just be me ;-) But I love getting to experience new foods and languages and ways of life. I mean I'm not always comfortable with it but it's SO FASCINATING to see how differently other people live, yet how at the same time just HOW similar we are. I love culture.
I want to go travel and experience many many more cultures. I'll always love my culture, where I come from, what has shaped me. It will always be home. But I would love to go see the cultures of the rest of the world :-)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Don't Leave Yogurt Unattended
I got the chance to substitute teach in the SPED room at Pennock Elementary today.
I had a blast! I needed the chance to work with these kiddos.
I got to work with this one little girl S who totally cracked me up! She is so energetic and just goes a million miles an hour all the time. She talks and talks and sometimes gets really bossy, especially when she's getting tired or hungry.
Anyway, she didn't really eat lunch while we were at lunch but this is normal so she always has ramen noodles afterwards. I made her noodles and was sitting with her while encouraging her to eat. Well I found myself getting rather hungry as it was 12:45 and I wasn't scheduled for my lunch break until 1:15 so I decided to pop open my yogurt I had brought with me for the day.
I had brought an old regular Yoplait peach yogurt as someone had bought it and it's been sitting in there for a little bit. I personally prefer Stonyfield Organic yogurt or greek yogurts (especially vanilla or strawberry flavors) so it was just something I threw in as a filler for a break time.
Seizing this opportunity I opened it and sat down next to S. She decided she was going to try and trade her noodles for my yogurt. When that didn't succeed she asked if she could try it to which I said yes (as she isn't on food restrictions) and seriously about 30 seconds later my whole yogurt was gone! I had one bite and she downed the rest.
Apparently S likes peach yoplait yogurt!!
Oh and speaking of food...the MOST adorable thing happened to me last week while babysitting.
For the first time in months I got to babysit for one my fav families, the Tanners. Ethie was getting surgery so I was babysitting Kaden and Lizzy. TOTALLY a piece of cake as Kaden is so self-sufficient and self-entertaining while Lizzy is now one and is little ms. independent. She's a year and two months old, is and always has been such a tiny little girl with a HUGE personality, and has always been really smart. Well I haven't seen her in several months which means she went from being on the cusp of being able to walk to walking/running/going up and down stairs on her own. She's a teeny bit bigger with more hair and a couple more teeth. Her facial expressions are still just as loud and strong and independent...she has a little temper and will of her own and can amuse herself all day long. She's very vocal but so loving and sweet. Honestly, THE cutest little girl I have ever seen in my life.
Anywho, I made Kaden some chicken nuggets for dinner and she came wandering in the kitchen with wide eyes rubbing her belly and I asked if she wanted some and she shook her head yes and went and tried to climb up into her chair. So I popped in some chicken nuggets to warm and strapped her in the high chair. I gave her the chicken nuggets, some crackers and some apple slices for dinner. Then I sat down and ate mine. After I was done, I went and grabbed two oreos (I had seen the package sitting in the pantry when I was looking for ideas for dinner). I came back with one in my hand and munching on the other. Her eyes got BIG and BRIGHT...she apparently knows what they are!! She held out her hand and I told her that she couldn't have them, they were mine and that she needed to eat her food. Then I hid them behind my cup, of which she kept trying to peek around to see if it was there or if I had eaten it. I sat there for awhile and she kept trying to reach for my cookie with me always telling her no.
Well after a little while she got SMART!! She picked up a cracker and offered it to me, obviously in exchange for the oreo!!! As cute and intelligent as it was, I had to fight back giggles and laughter to tell her that she needed to eat her chicken nuggets and crackers and the cookie was for after dinner. Well she kept offering the cracker and after about five minutes gave up.
Well she must have been deep in thought because a few seconds later she looks up, screamed at me to get my attention, offered me the cracker and then with her big deep blue sweet innocent eyes and cheeks, she gave me those "pretty please" eyes and then took her little fist and signed please on her chest!!!
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I HAD to give her an oreo!! How can you possibly resist that?!?! Not only is she a year and two months old but she's negotiating food and signing please. I'd have to say she deserved the oreo!! (which was a whole other moment of laughter for me watching her methodically break it open, lick ALL the middle out and then eat the cookie part getting it ALL OVER her face and hair and hands!!
I love kids...such great memories!!
I had a blast! I needed the chance to work with these kiddos.
I got to work with this one little girl S who totally cracked me up! She is so energetic and just goes a million miles an hour all the time. She talks and talks and sometimes gets really bossy, especially when she's getting tired or hungry.
Anyway, she didn't really eat lunch while we were at lunch but this is normal so she always has ramen noodles afterwards. I made her noodles and was sitting with her while encouraging her to eat. Well I found myself getting rather hungry as it was 12:45 and I wasn't scheduled for my lunch break until 1:15 so I decided to pop open my yogurt I had brought with me for the day.
I had brought an old regular Yoplait peach yogurt as someone had bought it and it's been sitting in there for a little bit. I personally prefer Stonyfield Organic yogurt or greek yogurts (especially vanilla or strawberry flavors) so it was just something I threw in as a filler for a break time.
Seizing this opportunity I opened it and sat down next to S. She decided she was going to try and trade her noodles for my yogurt. When that didn't succeed she asked if she could try it to which I said yes (as she isn't on food restrictions) and seriously about 30 seconds later my whole yogurt was gone! I had one bite and she downed the rest.
Apparently S likes peach yoplait yogurt!!
Oh and speaking of food...the MOST adorable thing happened to me last week while babysitting.
For the first time in months I got to babysit for one my fav families, the Tanners. Ethie was getting surgery so I was babysitting Kaden and Lizzy. TOTALLY a piece of cake as Kaden is so self-sufficient and self-entertaining while Lizzy is now one and is little ms. independent. She's a year and two months old, is and always has been such a tiny little girl with a HUGE personality, and has always been really smart. Well I haven't seen her in several months which means she went from being on the cusp of being able to walk to walking/running/going up and down stairs on her own. She's a teeny bit bigger with more hair and a couple more teeth. Her facial expressions are still just as loud and strong and independent...she has a little temper and will of her own and can amuse herself all day long. She's very vocal but so loving and sweet. Honestly, THE cutest little girl I have ever seen in my life.
Anywho, I made Kaden some chicken nuggets for dinner and she came wandering in the kitchen with wide eyes rubbing her belly and I asked if she wanted some and she shook her head yes and went and tried to climb up into her chair. So I popped in some chicken nuggets to warm and strapped her in the high chair. I gave her the chicken nuggets, some crackers and some apple slices for dinner. Then I sat down and ate mine. After I was done, I went and grabbed two oreos (I had seen the package sitting in the pantry when I was looking for ideas for dinner). I came back with one in my hand and munching on the other. Her eyes got BIG and BRIGHT...she apparently knows what they are!! She held out her hand and I told her that she couldn't have them, they were mine and that she needed to eat her food. Then I hid them behind my cup, of which she kept trying to peek around to see if it was there or if I had eaten it. I sat there for awhile and she kept trying to reach for my cookie with me always telling her no.
Well after a little while she got SMART!! She picked up a cracker and offered it to me, obviously in exchange for the oreo!!! As cute and intelligent as it was, I had to fight back giggles and laughter to tell her that she needed to eat her chicken nuggets and crackers and the cookie was for after dinner. Well she kept offering the cracker and after about five minutes gave up.
Well she must have been deep in thought because a few seconds later she looks up, screamed at me to get my attention, offered me the cracker and then with her big deep blue sweet innocent eyes and cheeks, she gave me those "pretty please" eyes and then took her little fist and signed please on her chest!!!
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I HAD to give her an oreo!! How can you possibly resist that?!?! Not only is she a year and two months old but she's negotiating food and signing please. I'd have to say she deserved the oreo!! (which was a whole other moment of laughter for me watching her methodically break it open, lick ALL the middle out and then eat the cookie part getting it ALL OVER her face and hair and hands!!
I love kids...such great memories!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Man on the Balcony
My junior year of high school we hosted a foreign exchange student from Brazil named Romero. It was his senior year and he lived in the room right across from mine, here in the second floor of our house. That was almost seven years ago. Crazy how time flies!!
Romero is back in the United State visiting. He spent two weeks in Florida with his parents and is spending two weeks here in Colorado with us. He has been here for a week-and-a-half now and it's amazing to me how much he remembers. His english picked right back up to what it was before, despite not having spoke it hardly at all for six years. He understands humor and slang, although some newer stuff we have to explain to him. He's not afraid to ask questions, like before. But basically, his mind remembers everything!
But I tell you all this because of something else that is pretty prevalent in my life, living here back at home.
I call him The Dark Man.
I believe in spirits, in angels, and demons....and have always been fascinated by the paranormal. It's not something I'm extra sensitive to, just something that I believe is there.
Well we built this house we live in. My parents designed it, we built it, we moved in. There are no previous owners, no deaths or whatever, just us. But about two years after we moved in, I started getting the sense of being watched. I shook it off for the most part, just blaming it on my fear of the dark coupled with my habit when I was younger of watching horror movies. I sorta freak out and get paranoid in the night time. That is...until I started seeing shadows occasionally out of the corner of my eye. I still just rationalized that what I was seeing was me wanting to see/sense something. Until I started seeing a dark cloaked man in the room across the balcony.
I told my mom and she just excused it, saying my overactive mind was getting the best of me. She said that I wasn't seeing anything and there's nothing that could possibly be there. We built this house remember?
So I never told anyone about this dark man with the trench coat and hat that I started to see on a semi-regular basis.
That is until one night when my best friend Gwen was staying the night. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and take off her make-up and she came running into my room a little freaked out saying she thought she saw a man in the room across the balcony. I calmly asked her what she was talking about and to describe him to me. When she did, I told her that she wasn't crazy and what she had just seen was my ghost.
Same exact thing happened with my best friend Britt about six months later. Without me telling her. She saw him as well. Each describing the same man to me.
A few times I have awoke to him standing near the foot of the bed, with it freaking me out.
Mainly he just observes. He's not bad but he's not too friendly. He's very curious about me and just watches, sometimes from a distance, sometimes up close.
When my Grams lived here, she saw him and experienced him on a regular basis.
When Britton lived here, I once asked him if he had felt like he was being watched. I asked him this one night while we were downstairs getting food late one night in the kitchen. When I moved back home last January, he came back watching me very casually and becoming even more curious-er and observant. When Britton moved in, I could feel that curiousity coming from him alter into another feeling. He became protective, and jealous almost, as I am the main person he has attached to. He started off being territorial from a distance but had started coming "closer" and "closer" the longer that Britton stayed here. I had noticed but didn't know if B had noticed anything. He said he occasionally felt like being watched and said he had seen stuff out of the corner of his eye but he never thought much about it.
Well funny enough, with Britton no longer living here, the feelings of jealousy have resided. He initially started coming closer, blatantly walking into my room one night and scaring the shit out of me. I rolled over and asked him to leave. And since then he has sorta backed off a bit.
Well I tell all this because the other day, as I was sitting downstairs on the couch with my laptop, Romero asked me casually "do you still see the guy upstairs, the ghost?" Bewildered I looked at him and said "All the time! Why, have you seen him?!" And he said yes, he was here when he lived here six years ago and he has seen him every day since he's been back!! Romero even commented on how at first it had freaked him out but he doesn't get a bad vibe from our in-house spirit. He just gets a really curious vibe and Romero gets the vibe that the man is most curious about me. Romero said he almost always sees him upstairs and the man is almost always in the guest bedroom across the hallway.
Sometimes The Dark Man freaks me out. I don't know what to make of him. In fact, right now he's sitting somewhere near my door watching me, very intently trying to figure out what I'm doing. This sounds weird but I can just feel him. But at the same time, it's kind of comforting to know that it's someone who sorta watches out for me but isn't afraid to make it known to others that believe in spirits that he is present.
At least I know I'm not crazy!!
I don't know why, but I just wanted to share about the man on the balcony. Sometimes I wonder why he's still here, why he just resides here watching....I want to help him and figure out who he is. But how do I do that when he's just a spirit who has somehow attached himself to this house and to me?!
Romero is back in the United State visiting. He spent two weeks in Florida with his parents and is spending two weeks here in Colorado with us. He has been here for a week-and-a-half now and it's amazing to me how much he remembers. His english picked right back up to what it was before, despite not having spoke it hardly at all for six years. He understands humor and slang, although some newer stuff we have to explain to him. He's not afraid to ask questions, like before. But basically, his mind remembers everything!
But I tell you all this because of something else that is pretty prevalent in my life, living here back at home.
I call him The Dark Man.
I believe in spirits, in angels, and demons....and have always been fascinated by the paranormal. It's not something I'm extra sensitive to, just something that I believe is there.
Well we built this house we live in. My parents designed it, we built it, we moved in. There are no previous owners, no deaths or whatever, just us. But about two years after we moved in, I started getting the sense of being watched. I shook it off for the most part, just blaming it on my fear of the dark coupled with my habit when I was younger of watching horror movies. I sorta freak out and get paranoid in the night time. That is...until I started seeing shadows occasionally out of the corner of my eye. I still just rationalized that what I was seeing was me wanting to see/sense something. Until I started seeing a dark cloaked man in the room across the balcony.
I told my mom and she just excused it, saying my overactive mind was getting the best of me. She said that I wasn't seeing anything and there's nothing that could possibly be there. We built this house remember?
So I never told anyone about this dark man with the trench coat and hat that I started to see on a semi-regular basis.
That is until one night when my best friend Gwen was staying the night. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and take off her make-up and she came running into my room a little freaked out saying she thought she saw a man in the room across the balcony. I calmly asked her what she was talking about and to describe him to me. When she did, I told her that she wasn't crazy and what she had just seen was my ghost.
Same exact thing happened with my best friend Britt about six months later. Without me telling her. She saw him as well. Each describing the same man to me.
A few times I have awoke to him standing near the foot of the bed, with it freaking me out.
Mainly he just observes. He's not bad but he's not too friendly. He's very curious about me and just watches, sometimes from a distance, sometimes up close.
When my Grams lived here, she saw him and experienced him on a regular basis.
When Britton lived here, I once asked him if he had felt like he was being watched. I asked him this one night while we were downstairs getting food late one night in the kitchen. When I moved back home last January, he came back watching me very casually and becoming even more curious-er and observant. When Britton moved in, I could feel that curiousity coming from him alter into another feeling. He became protective, and jealous almost, as I am the main person he has attached to. He started off being territorial from a distance but had started coming "closer" and "closer" the longer that Britton stayed here. I had noticed but didn't know if B had noticed anything. He said he occasionally felt like being watched and said he had seen stuff out of the corner of his eye but he never thought much about it.
Well funny enough, with Britton no longer living here, the feelings of jealousy have resided. He initially started coming closer, blatantly walking into my room one night and scaring the shit out of me. I rolled over and asked him to leave. And since then he has sorta backed off a bit.
Well I tell all this because the other day, as I was sitting downstairs on the couch with my laptop, Romero asked me casually "do you still see the guy upstairs, the ghost?" Bewildered I looked at him and said "All the time! Why, have you seen him?!" And he said yes, he was here when he lived here six years ago and he has seen him every day since he's been back!! Romero even commented on how at first it had freaked him out but he doesn't get a bad vibe from our in-house spirit. He just gets a really curious vibe and Romero gets the vibe that the man is most curious about me. Romero said he almost always sees him upstairs and the man is almost always in the guest bedroom across the hallway.
Sometimes The Dark Man freaks me out. I don't know what to make of him. In fact, right now he's sitting somewhere near my door watching me, very intently trying to figure out what I'm doing. This sounds weird but I can just feel him. But at the same time, it's kind of comforting to know that it's someone who sorta watches out for me but isn't afraid to make it known to others that believe in spirits that he is present.
At least I know I'm not crazy!!
I don't know why, but I just wanted to share about the man on the balcony. Sometimes I wonder why he's still here, why he just resides here watching....I want to help him and figure out who he is. But how do I do that when he's just a spirit who has somehow attached himself to this house and to me?!
Friday, January 07, 2011
Why Hello There
It has been quite awhile since I have sat down to write...mainly because there's too many intimate details on my mind about situations that I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone, life is SO complicated, and it's hard for me to keep sitting still long enough to finish writing something. I pick up my journal and write sporadic thoughts ALL the time but I can't sit still long enough and be ok to pour out any thoughts on my heart. I find myself at a loss for words a good majority of the time though there is NO loss for intense emotions. There's so much on my heart and mind that I have to pour somewhere. In the past two months I have filled up half a journal with entries. That journals accompanies me in my purse almost everywhere.
It's hard for me to adequately write down my thoughts in a way that makes sense. In the translation of switching feelings into verbal words, I find myself writing one or two descriptive words. And then that just makes me seem crazy.
But I have a need to write, ALL the time. I'm finally becoming emotionally semi-stable enough again to sit down and share some of my heart with the world.
But what do I share?! I'm an open book....but how open do I want to be?!
Well here is what I know as of right now.
I am working my damndest....and by that I mean keeping myself busy as much as humanly possible. I'm not in a ful-filling job nor one that is even remotely close to being one I want to do for too long. But I'm working for the money. To pay off my credit card (I put quite a bit on there thanks to this little thing called retail therapy) and I just need to keep busy. I'm looking for other jobs but know I'm also not stable enough right now to know if that's exactly what I need to be doing right now. I need to be making better money, be in a job that will fulfill me, and one that is more along the lines of what I want to do...but right now I'm not sure when I'll let myself get there. For now I work as a substitute teacher and keep myself occupied working extra hard at my parents apparel shop.
I am applying to nursing school at Regis. I'm done with CU-Denver. I'm bucking it up and applying to Regis and praying I just finally get in so I can move forward with my life in at least one sense. The application for the traditional bachelor's is due Feb 15th. I will find out whether I'm accepted or rejected before the application for the accelerated program is due June 15th...either one I get into, will finish within eight weeks of the other. So I don't care which one I get into. I'm ready to take the punch of the rigor and the cost...as long as it means getting to do what I love finally!!
I live at home with the parents still. It's not the most ideal in terms of where I want to be in life but I am SO thankful. My parents have provided such a wonderful support and it's free. I can't afford to pay rent or utilities right now, though how I afforded to spend several hundred dollars on my credit card in two months is beyond any responsible reasoning. Actually it's called stupidity. But I still live at home in the sanctuary of my parents roof....and I'm not sure when I'll make enough money to say otherwise. Right now I'm concentrating on paying off the credit card and paying back student loans.
B is still in my life. Not a boyfriend. But I love him and care about him. I never thought I'd be in the situation I am but I do know God has a reason and a purpose. Couldn't tell you what that it is but there is one. He needs help, I love him, we have too many connecting ties, and....yeah. I am looking into attending classes to start dealing with the effects of having someone so close in your life that deals with an addiction(s). I think it will be good for me. If you would have told me that I'd be in this spot, I would have not believed you. And I'm not sure how I make it day-to-day sometimes but that is all because of the Lord.
I rely so much on God to be my strength and my rock. I don't know how people who don't have faith survive any day, let alone any significant trial! I'd feel so overwhelmed, so burdened, so alone, and so lost. I still feel that way a lot of the time but I know I'm taken care of and it's just a temporary feeling. "This too shall pass."
Romantic relationships....what do I say about this area of my life....other than it is not a focus or priority AT ALL!!! As a matter of fact, I don't think I can trust a man with my heart for a long time, trust myself or anyone else in a relationship, and healing is a long process that is underway. It doesn't mean I will discredit how important they are but I recognize that a romantic relationship would not be healthy for me in any sense right now....even if the most amazing and Godly man came into my life. So while I don't push away the thoughts of one day having a husband and children....romantic relationships, as well as the future they will bring, are not the focus of my life. In fact, my focus is the opposite. Work on myself, get myself on stable ground emotionally and mentally, find what fulfills me in all ways other than that, and then maybe that is something I will entertain.
I miss companionship. I miss being hugged, loved, caressed, kissed, and that comfort/protection.
I would love to be treated right by a perfect gentleman and maybe it would do me wonders to let myself date and have the change to experience that for the first time in a long time. But I find comfort in the love of my friends, the love of my family, the peace in the word of God, and letting the pure love of those who don't have to love me on a romantic level take care of my heart and mind.
I need to first find peace and strength alone, and love myself alone, before anything else.
I'm working on getting my confidence and resolve back. I'm working on getting the mess that is my life first semi straightened out. This will take awhile....but God is in control.
I'm so very thankful for that.
Right now I am babysitting for some of my favorite kiddos. Lizzy is sleeping, Kaden is working on his workbook, and Ethan is with Annie at the hospital as Ethan had to have surgery. I find pleasure and peace in the company of my kiddos. I find pleasure and peace in scrapbooking once again and working on various little projects.
I hope to finish a scrapbook I started for my brother Kevan. I am working on getting my photo albums updated and in the right timeline. I am working on finishing decorating my bathroom.
On my to-do list are these little "keep me busy" projects:
-make a picture frame from scratch
-repaint my bathroom
-maybe make a quilt (i have to learn how to do this first)
-learn a new song on the piano
-write a letter to Alyssa
Well, hello there, I am back...and while my mind is all over the place, hopefully I can start writing on here again...and get back to my old self again. The happy healthy woman I used to be....maybe I still am, I just need to start feeling that way again...
You simply have to be yourself - at any age - as God made you, available to Him so that He can work in and through you to bring about His kingdom and His glory. [Luci Swindoll]
It's hard for me to adequately write down my thoughts in a way that makes sense. In the translation of switching feelings into verbal words, I find myself writing one or two descriptive words. And then that just makes me seem crazy.
But I have a need to write, ALL the time. I'm finally becoming emotionally semi-stable enough again to sit down and share some of my heart with the world.
But what do I share?! I'm an open book....but how open do I want to be?!
Well here is what I know as of right now.
I am working my damndest....and by that I mean keeping myself busy as much as humanly possible. I'm not in a ful-filling job nor one that is even remotely close to being one I want to do for too long. But I'm working for the money. To pay off my credit card (I put quite a bit on there thanks to this little thing called retail therapy) and I just need to keep busy. I'm looking for other jobs but know I'm also not stable enough right now to know if that's exactly what I need to be doing right now. I need to be making better money, be in a job that will fulfill me, and one that is more along the lines of what I want to do...but right now I'm not sure when I'll let myself get there. For now I work as a substitute teacher and keep myself occupied working extra hard at my parents apparel shop.
I am applying to nursing school at Regis. I'm done with CU-Denver. I'm bucking it up and applying to Regis and praying I just finally get in so I can move forward with my life in at least one sense. The application for the traditional bachelor's is due Feb 15th. I will find out whether I'm accepted or rejected before the application for the accelerated program is due June 15th...either one I get into, will finish within eight weeks of the other. So I don't care which one I get into. I'm ready to take the punch of the rigor and the cost...as long as it means getting to do what I love finally!!
I live at home with the parents still. It's not the most ideal in terms of where I want to be in life but I am SO thankful. My parents have provided such a wonderful support and it's free. I can't afford to pay rent or utilities right now, though how I afforded to spend several hundred dollars on my credit card in two months is beyond any responsible reasoning. Actually it's called stupidity. But I still live at home in the sanctuary of my parents roof....and I'm not sure when I'll make enough money to say otherwise. Right now I'm concentrating on paying off the credit card and paying back student loans.
B is still in my life. Not a boyfriend. But I love him and care about him. I never thought I'd be in the situation I am but I do know God has a reason and a purpose. Couldn't tell you what that it is but there is one. He needs help, I love him, we have too many connecting ties, and....yeah. I am looking into attending classes to start dealing with the effects of having someone so close in your life that deals with an addiction(s). I think it will be good for me. If you would have told me that I'd be in this spot, I would have not believed you. And I'm not sure how I make it day-to-day sometimes but that is all because of the Lord.
I rely so much on God to be my strength and my rock. I don't know how people who don't have faith survive any day, let alone any significant trial! I'd feel so overwhelmed, so burdened, so alone, and so lost. I still feel that way a lot of the time but I know I'm taken care of and it's just a temporary feeling. "This too shall pass."
Romantic relationships....what do I say about this area of my life....other than it is not a focus or priority AT ALL!!! As a matter of fact, I don't think I can trust a man with my heart for a long time, trust myself or anyone else in a relationship, and healing is a long process that is underway. It doesn't mean I will discredit how important they are but I recognize that a romantic relationship would not be healthy for me in any sense right now....even if the most amazing and Godly man came into my life. So while I don't push away the thoughts of one day having a husband and children....romantic relationships, as well as the future they will bring, are not the focus of my life. In fact, my focus is the opposite. Work on myself, get myself on stable ground emotionally and mentally, find what fulfills me in all ways other than that, and then maybe that is something I will entertain.
I miss companionship. I miss being hugged, loved, caressed, kissed, and that comfort/protection.
I would love to be treated right by a perfect gentleman and maybe it would do me wonders to let myself date and have the change to experience that for the first time in a long time. But I find comfort in the love of my friends, the love of my family, the peace in the word of God, and letting the pure love of those who don't have to love me on a romantic level take care of my heart and mind.
I need to first find peace and strength alone, and love myself alone, before anything else.
I'm working on getting my confidence and resolve back. I'm working on getting the mess that is my life first semi straightened out. This will take awhile....but God is in control.
I'm so very thankful for that.
Right now I am babysitting for some of my favorite kiddos. Lizzy is sleeping, Kaden is working on his workbook, and Ethan is with Annie at the hospital as Ethan had to have surgery. I find pleasure and peace in the company of my kiddos. I find pleasure and peace in scrapbooking once again and working on various little projects.
I hope to finish a scrapbook I started for my brother Kevan. I am working on getting my photo albums updated and in the right timeline. I am working on finishing decorating my bathroom.
On my to-do list are these little "keep me busy" projects:
-make a picture frame from scratch
-repaint my bathroom
-maybe make a quilt (i have to learn how to do this first)
-learn a new song on the piano
-write a letter to Alyssa
Well, hello there, I am back...and while my mind is all over the place, hopefully I can start writing on here again...and get back to my old self again. The happy healthy woman I used to be....maybe I still am, I just need to start feeling that way again...
You simply have to be yourself - at any age - as God made you, available to Him so that He can work in and through you to bring about His kingdom and His glory. [Luci Swindoll]
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Heartbreak
My heart is broken.
But God is faithful.
God doesn't promise we won't go through trials, only that He will be there with us WHEN we do. (Isaiah 42:2-3)
Right now I'm working on healing my heart, and I'm praying most fervently for B.
I'm not shutting any doors....but I am focusing on healing my wounds.
But God is faithful.
God doesn't promise we won't go through trials, only that He will be there with us WHEN we do. (Isaiah 42:2-3)
Right now I'm working on healing my heart, and I'm praying most fervently for B.
I'm not shutting any doors....but I am focusing on healing my wounds.
Monday, November 15, 2010
A Down Day in Subbing
Last friday I substitute taught in a 6th grade Special Education classroom.
My heart was so disheartened by what I encountered during that time.
I had four class periods....two of those are basically one math class, split into two periods of the day, for these special education students who are pretty low at math. I get that these kids all have IEP's (Individual Learning Plans) and why they qualify for special education is not something I'm allowed to know.
This I do know: they are all individuals who deserve a shot to excel as much as they are capable of. They are not to be told what they can and cannot achieve, and they deserve to be respected as the individuals they are.
They were a little bit difficult....that's what happens when you have a mix of 6th graders, who are special education, who have had a sub for the second day in a row, who respond to things a little bit differently.
But what's sad is what's sad is what I witnessed.
I don't claim to be great but I claim to be pretty darn good at working with kids. I relate to them, I know how to interact with them, and I understand how to get down to their level. I feel for them, I have empathy towards their disadvantages, and I find joy in them.
But these are the things I witnessed that made my heart break:
1. One of the first things the other special education teacher who taught the math class with me said to me was "Mrs. F is obviously not going to be writing any letters to Harvard for this group." How sad that he, as a special education teacher, has the nerve to put limits on any child let alone these kids. They need their teachers to push them to keep reaching beyond what others think their limits are, not define them! You don't tell a kid what they are and are not capable of, that they will fail...how dare you!
2. The same said teacher had the nerve to playing push a kids head. Excuse me. You don't touch children.
3. The way he was talking to them made me so mad. You don't talk to children like they are dumb! They aren't dumb. You don't call them names to their face. You don't talk about the kid in front of them. No! You just don't do that.
4. It really made me sad that I was in there for one day, and able to explain pre-algebra math in a way that they could understand that they hadn't been able to before. Not even that...these kids don't know how to do multiplication or division...and I was able to start successfully teaching it to them in ONE DAY!! I'm not good at math. But how sad is it that I can teach these kids and reach them in a manner that their normal teachers can't.
5. One kid, named Jacob, has behavior problems. The teacher had warned me via sub plans that he might be troublesome. Yes he was, he wanted to push limits. But by working with him just a little bit one-on-one, and by giving him a couple positive comments, I was able to control that behavior. What the heck does that say about the teacher who is normally there?!?! Not very much that's for sure.
You just have to treat kids with respect, like they are human. You have to be positive towards them, establish limits and boundaries and stick to them. You have to push them to excel, not tell them how they will fail.
It just broke my heart :-(
My heart was so disheartened by what I encountered during that time.
I had four class periods....two of those are basically one math class, split into two periods of the day, for these special education students who are pretty low at math. I get that these kids all have IEP's (Individual Learning Plans) and why they qualify for special education is not something I'm allowed to know.
This I do know: they are all individuals who deserve a shot to excel as much as they are capable of. They are not to be told what they can and cannot achieve, and they deserve to be respected as the individuals they are.
They were a little bit difficult....that's what happens when you have a mix of 6th graders, who are special education, who have had a sub for the second day in a row, who respond to things a little bit differently.
But what's sad is what's sad is what I witnessed.
I don't claim to be great but I claim to be pretty darn good at working with kids. I relate to them, I know how to interact with them, and I understand how to get down to their level. I feel for them, I have empathy towards their disadvantages, and I find joy in them.
But these are the things I witnessed that made my heart break:
1. One of the first things the other special education teacher who taught the math class with me said to me was "Mrs. F is obviously not going to be writing any letters to Harvard for this group." How sad that he, as a special education teacher, has the nerve to put limits on any child let alone these kids. They need their teachers to push them to keep reaching beyond what others think their limits are, not define them! You don't tell a kid what they are and are not capable of, that they will fail...how dare you!
2. The same said teacher had the nerve to playing push a kids head. Excuse me. You don't touch children.
3. The way he was talking to them made me so mad. You don't talk to children like they are dumb! They aren't dumb. You don't call them names to their face. You don't talk about the kid in front of them. No! You just don't do that.
4. It really made me sad that I was in there for one day, and able to explain pre-algebra math in a way that they could understand that they hadn't been able to before. Not even that...these kids don't know how to do multiplication or division...and I was able to start successfully teaching it to them in ONE DAY!! I'm not good at math. But how sad is it that I can teach these kids and reach them in a manner that their normal teachers can't.
5. One kid, named Jacob, has behavior problems. The teacher had warned me via sub plans that he might be troublesome. Yes he was, he wanted to push limits. But by working with him just a little bit one-on-one, and by giving him a couple positive comments, I was able to control that behavior. What the heck does that say about the teacher who is normally there?!?! Not very much that's for sure.
You just have to treat kids with respect, like they are human. You have to be positive towards them, establish limits and boundaries and stick to them. You have to push them to excel, not tell them how they will fail.
It just broke my heart :-(
Monday, November 08, 2010
Perfectness of His Plan
It would be a huge understatement to say that I know how to make myself messy in so many ways. Every time I think I finally have a little bit of it figured out and cleaned up, well somehow I get myself in an even bigger tight spot. How uncanny is my ability to do that!!
Without going into the specifics, God's perfect plan is slowly being revealed to me. He is giving me ALL the tools to get out of the mess that I have put myself in.
But as I was looking at the weave of this mess and all the tools/opportunities He has given me, I started to realize the power of God's planning in my life for the entirety of my life.
See this is what I realized: God knows me better than I know myself. He made me. And with that, He knew the mistakes I would make before I even made them. Before He even lovingly planted me in my mother's womb, He knew my heart, He knew ME! He knew what I would be like. He knew at the age of 23 I would be where I'm at thanks to my own doing. And since the day I was born, he has weaved this very intricate plan into my life, a plan to take care of me and get me through my tough times.
I can look back on people in my life, in events in my life, that have specifically led to this point. The perfect web that He has created is remarkable!! I can look at events that I was so confused about happening or not happening these past two years and I now understand the multitude of reasons why.
I was looking back at my life, and I can recognize God's hands in all areas of my life. Of how He led me perfectly to my blessings and to my trials. How He has always been there and has had his Hand on me. I can see specifically when He knew I would take the wrong path and the events that guided me back to right paths. And I understand that when I willingly chose those wrong paths, I can recognize huge spiritual lessons that He taught me during those times....although I will admit it's been from reflection over the past few years that I have come to recognize and name those lessons and learn from them.
In thinking over all of this, I started letting the tears flow in the shower and found myself crying out of joy that my Lord knows me SO much better than even I know myself and has taken care of me so well. I have so much to be thankful for, despite the trials I am going through now as I know I am taken care of, even when it doesn't feel like it.
It's so relieving to know that if I just keep faith in Christ, He is going to lead me down some amazing roads in life and is going to use me in ways I can't even begin to imagine! I just hope that I can keep my eyes on the prize, which is my relationship with the Lord and the glory being lifted up to Him in all facets of my life.
With that being said, there is this really good song that I came across last night that is such a huge part of my testimony right now in life. This song has been touching my heart for the past day and I love the raw truth of this song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-aE7zQTeEg
Without going into the specifics, God's perfect plan is slowly being revealed to me. He is giving me ALL the tools to get out of the mess that I have put myself in.
But as I was looking at the weave of this mess and all the tools/opportunities He has given me, I started to realize the power of God's planning in my life for the entirety of my life.
See this is what I realized: God knows me better than I know myself. He made me. And with that, He knew the mistakes I would make before I even made them. Before He even lovingly planted me in my mother's womb, He knew my heart, He knew ME! He knew what I would be like. He knew at the age of 23 I would be where I'm at thanks to my own doing. And since the day I was born, he has weaved this very intricate plan into my life, a plan to take care of me and get me through my tough times.
I can look back on people in my life, in events in my life, that have specifically led to this point. The perfect web that He has created is remarkable!! I can look at events that I was so confused about happening or not happening these past two years and I now understand the multitude of reasons why.
I was looking back at my life, and I can recognize God's hands in all areas of my life. Of how He led me perfectly to my blessings and to my trials. How He has always been there and has had his Hand on me. I can see specifically when He knew I would take the wrong path and the events that guided me back to right paths. And I understand that when I willingly chose those wrong paths, I can recognize huge spiritual lessons that He taught me during those times....although I will admit it's been from reflection over the past few years that I have come to recognize and name those lessons and learn from them.
In thinking over all of this, I started letting the tears flow in the shower and found myself crying out of joy that my Lord knows me SO much better than even I know myself and has taken care of me so well. I have so much to be thankful for, despite the trials I am going through now as I know I am taken care of, even when it doesn't feel like it.
It's so relieving to know that if I just keep faith in Christ, He is going to lead me down some amazing roads in life and is going to use me in ways I can't even begin to imagine! I just hope that I can keep my eyes on the prize, which is my relationship with the Lord and the glory being lifted up to Him in all facets of my life.
With that being said, there is this really good song that I came across last night that is such a huge part of my testimony right now in life. This song has been touching my heart for the past day and I love the raw truth of this song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-aE7zQTeEg
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Fuckin Perfect
This is a song by Pink that speaks to the heart of so many women. I love it :-) Follow the link to listen to the song....and pasted below are the lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl0qf1pgjEs
Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire, bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my, silly life. Mistreated misplaced, misunderstood, Miss 'Knowing its all good', it didn't slow me down, mistaken, always second guessing, underestimating look, I'm still around.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're f*cking perfect to me!
You're so mean, when you talk, about yourself, you were wrong.
Change the voices in you're head, make them like you instead.
So complicated, look how we big you'll make it, feeling so much hatred, such a tired game. Its enough of don;t know I can think of, chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're f*cking perfect to me!
The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear, the only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer, so cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and its a waste of my time, done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere, they dont like my jeans they don't get my hair, exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time, why do we do that? why do I do that? why do I do that?
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me. You're Perfect, Your perfect! pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl0qf1pgjEs
Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire, bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my, silly life. Mistreated misplaced, misunderstood, Miss 'Knowing its all good', it didn't slow me down, mistaken, always second guessing, underestimating look, I'm still around.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're f*cking perfect to me!
You're so mean, when you talk, about yourself, you were wrong.
Change the voices in you're head, make them like you instead.
So complicated, look how we big you'll make it, feeling so much hatred, such a tired game. Its enough of don;t know I can think of, chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're f*cking perfect to me!
The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear, the only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer, so cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and its a waste of my time, done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere, they dont like my jeans they don't get my hair, exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time, why do we do that? why do I do that? why do I do that?
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*cken perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me. You're Perfect, Your perfect! pretty pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me!
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
One Blog, Two Blogs
As if I didn't have enough going in my life, I started a little project for myself that will hopefully help me in getting a positive and uplifted attitude back, and something that I am secretly hoping can become a benefit for others.
Call me crazy but I need SOME part of my life to have a positive impact on others, so if I push myself in growing and learning and getting back to my attitude, and give myself an outlet to help motivate that and help me in that process....well I figured I would give it a try.
So I started another blog!
I'm not quite sure exactly how I want it to look yet. But I do know that it has every week I will change the "Whisper of Encouragement" and the "Weekly Verse" along with writing what God is teaching and laying on my heart. I am by no means a writer and an evangelist like Diana Hummell was but I am hoping that maybe this blog can reach others, not by showing that I have an amazing faith (like Diana did) but by showing that I too am like many other Christians struggling to figure out what purpose and plan God has for their life. I want to show that like many others out there I am struggling constantly with the notion of self-worth and how it pertains to our earthly life and also to our relationship with our Father. I want to show that like many others in this world, some of us face struggles and have a hard time figuring out up from down, left from right, and dark from light.
I am hoping that this blog will challenge me....as it will push me to keep reading my bible to find a weekly verse, one that speaks to me. It will push me to really dig deep and try to understand what lesson God is putting me through and to find out if I'm learning that lesson or if I'm failing yet again at trying to understand what it is God is trying to tell me.
If for nothing else, it can be a little project to help distract me from the negative emotions that are consuming my life as of late. It will distract me from the feelings of worthlessness and of depression (which yes I am fighting right now). It can help me to focus on what's important.
More than anything I think we all need to leave a legacy. I don't expect to leave a legacy with this blog but I hope for once maybe I can make a small impact.
So here is the blog address....it's simple.
www.nicoleanncarr.wordpress.com
It's nothing fantastic, just a little project that I hope can help others. Check back later as I am just trying to get the ball rolling....and of course, my life is crazy busy. But we'll see what happens with it!!
Call me crazy but I need SOME part of my life to have a positive impact on others, so if I push myself in growing and learning and getting back to my attitude, and give myself an outlet to help motivate that and help me in that process....well I figured I would give it a try.
So I started another blog!
I'm not quite sure exactly how I want it to look yet. But I do know that it has every week I will change the "Whisper of Encouragement" and the "Weekly Verse" along with writing what God is teaching and laying on my heart. I am by no means a writer and an evangelist like Diana Hummell was but I am hoping that maybe this blog can reach others, not by showing that I have an amazing faith (like Diana did) but by showing that I too am like many other Christians struggling to figure out what purpose and plan God has for their life. I want to show that like many others out there I am struggling constantly with the notion of self-worth and how it pertains to our earthly life and also to our relationship with our Father. I want to show that like many others in this world, some of us face struggles and have a hard time figuring out up from down, left from right, and dark from light.
I am hoping that this blog will challenge me....as it will push me to keep reading my bible to find a weekly verse, one that speaks to me. It will push me to really dig deep and try to understand what lesson God is putting me through and to find out if I'm learning that lesson or if I'm failing yet again at trying to understand what it is God is trying to tell me.
If for nothing else, it can be a little project to help distract me from the negative emotions that are consuming my life as of late. It will distract me from the feelings of worthlessness and of depression (which yes I am fighting right now). It can help me to focus on what's important.
More than anything I think we all need to leave a legacy. I don't expect to leave a legacy with this blog but I hope for once maybe I can make a small impact.
So here is the blog address....it's simple.
www.nicoleanncarr.wordpress.com
It's nothing fantastic, just a little project that I hope can help others. Check back later as I am just trying to get the ball rolling....and of course, my life is crazy busy. But we'll see what happens with it!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Brother's Wedding Weekend
This weekend my closest brother in age got married to his sweetheart Jennifer.
It was a bittersweet weekend for me.
From the time he was born, Marshall was my little buddy in crime. He knows parts of my life and childhood that no one else will know. Collectively, him and Kevan understand me on a level no one else will ever get or understand. We share memories that no one else will ever know, we share pains, laughs, secrets, and inside jokes.
None of us would have ever imagined that Marshall would be the first one to get married, even a year ago. But that day came and went yesterday. He took Jennifer Clark to be his wife, companion, friend, and lover for the rest of his life.
Being the only girl, it has been really hard for me to adjust to another female being in the family. And even harder as I have always been quite protective of my brothers in terms of their girlfriends. Yesterday, I had to permanently give up my spot in Marshall's life to Jenni. I was the girl in his life for so long and on some levels, it has been very hard for me to give that up.
I was the first bridesmaid to walk down the aisle. My brother stood waiting for the processional and his bride-to-be to join him and my father stood just above him, waiting to welcome everyone to the wedding and give his blessing for the marriage to continue. It made me start bawling about halfway down the aisle, as I couldn't keep my tears back. It was reality. My little brother is all grown up, getting married, and Jenni will be the first girl in his life for the rest of his life.
I am very happy that he has found that. I thank the Lord for that blessing, especially given his past relationships. But on the other hand, I wasn't quite ready for what all was coming with that.
This weekend was a weekend to celebrate and I wish my brother all the blessings in the world, all the joys and love and grace that the Lord can pour out upon their marriage. And I hope that the Lord keeps them firmly under His wing as a couple through all the trials and all the blessings that life brings them.
It was a bittersweet weekend for me.
From the time he was born, Marshall was my little buddy in crime. He knows parts of my life and childhood that no one else will know. Collectively, him and Kevan understand me on a level no one else will ever get or understand. We share memories that no one else will ever know, we share pains, laughs, secrets, and inside jokes.
None of us would have ever imagined that Marshall would be the first one to get married, even a year ago. But that day came and went yesterday. He took Jennifer Clark to be his wife, companion, friend, and lover for the rest of his life.
Being the only girl, it has been really hard for me to adjust to another female being in the family. And even harder as I have always been quite protective of my brothers in terms of their girlfriends. Yesterday, I had to permanently give up my spot in Marshall's life to Jenni. I was the girl in his life for so long and on some levels, it has been very hard for me to give that up.
I was the first bridesmaid to walk down the aisle. My brother stood waiting for the processional and his bride-to-be to join him and my father stood just above him, waiting to welcome everyone to the wedding and give his blessing for the marriage to continue. It made me start bawling about halfway down the aisle, as I couldn't keep my tears back. It was reality. My little brother is all grown up, getting married, and Jenni will be the first girl in his life for the rest of his life.
I am very happy that he has found that. I thank the Lord for that blessing, especially given his past relationships. But on the other hand, I wasn't quite ready for what all was coming with that.
This weekend was a weekend to celebrate and I wish my brother all the blessings in the world, all the joys and love and grace that the Lord can pour out upon their marriage. And I hope that the Lord keeps them firmly under His wing as a couple through all the trials and all the blessings that life brings them.
Wedding Weekend
This weekend was Marshall's wedding weekend....a couple photos for a small taste :-)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Isaiah 43:2-3
My heart is heavy and has been for quite some time.
Perhaps it's because I'm nieve and stupid, perhaps it's because I'm too trusting, perhaps just because of my desire to be loved by those around me. All I know is that my willingness to trust has left my heart shattered again. It has put punctured a hole so big in my heart that I'm left not sure how willing I will be to trust again.
It has left me asking questions like:
"Am I really not good enough to be loved the right way?"
"What is so wrong with me?"
"What is it about me that makes people think it's ok to take advantage of me?"
"Is this God teaching me lessons or is this Satan feeding me lies?"
"Why does everyone else get to feel what pure love feels like but not myself?"
This is the last week I will spend with Michele and the kiddos. I'm freaking out. The kids, their personalities, and the humor between Michele and I is what has kept me going. What am I going to do when I don't have that safehaven/distraction every day? How will I cope with not being at the one place that feels most like home for me? Am I going to completely fall to pieces, keep feeling the way I do, or will God allow some small blessing of hope to become available?
I do know that I need to hit the pavement hard trying to get a job...one that pays really well.
I can't stand being broke. I don't care how I got here at this exact moment....although most the time it sends me in panic attacks....but I do care that I can't afford to do anything. For two weeks I have been living off the kindness of other people and my family.
It has been so wonderful to me that my co-workers are amazing enough to buy me a lunch or bring me a meal. But how embarrassing is it when you have to raid the snack cabinet every morning for breakfast/lunch? Yes I live rent-free, in my parents house, and most people think "how do you not have food?" My parents don't keep foods in the house that are easy to take. The little amount of food that my parents keep stocked in the house is food that has to be prepared. And I have little time to do that it seems. My parents don't keep much food in the house other than the necessities anymore. And I won't ask my parents to buy me special foods or ask them to go buy groceries specifically for me as I do live rent free. There in itself lies the reason I am lift to pilfer the snack cabinet almost daily. How low have I sunk when I'm living off a cup of coffee and whatever else food that someone throws my way because I'm that broke?!?!
I've never felt so low about myself in my life. Between the insecurities, not having a "stable" job, and having to pilfer for food.
But I am blessed. I have a roof over my head. I have a family in good health, albeit one that seems to not really be that close anymore. I have a closet full of clothes. I have the blessings that are my kiddos for another remaining week. And I have a God who promises that He will carry me through this storm in my life. The storm seems as though it has no end in sight....but I have to believe that God is going to get me through it....because heavens knows, I can't get myself out of this mess that I've somehow gotten my life into.
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
[Isaiah 43:2-3]
I just pray that God shows His glory in all of this. Because it is only by God that I will weather this emotional battle that is going on in my heart and mind right now.
Perhaps it's because I'm nieve and stupid, perhaps it's because I'm too trusting, perhaps just because of my desire to be loved by those around me. All I know is that my willingness to trust has left my heart shattered again. It has put punctured a hole so big in my heart that I'm left not sure how willing I will be to trust again.
It has left me asking questions like:
"Am I really not good enough to be loved the right way?"
"What is so wrong with me?"
"What is it about me that makes people think it's ok to take advantage of me?"
"Is this God teaching me lessons or is this Satan feeding me lies?"
"Why does everyone else get to feel what pure love feels like but not myself?"
This is the last week I will spend with Michele and the kiddos. I'm freaking out. The kids, their personalities, and the humor between Michele and I is what has kept me going. What am I going to do when I don't have that safehaven/distraction every day? How will I cope with not being at the one place that feels most like home for me? Am I going to completely fall to pieces, keep feeling the way I do, or will God allow some small blessing of hope to become available?
I do know that I need to hit the pavement hard trying to get a job...one that pays really well.
I can't stand being broke. I don't care how I got here at this exact moment....although most the time it sends me in panic attacks....but I do care that I can't afford to do anything. For two weeks I have been living off the kindness of other people and my family.
It has been so wonderful to me that my co-workers are amazing enough to buy me a lunch or bring me a meal. But how embarrassing is it when you have to raid the snack cabinet every morning for breakfast/lunch? Yes I live rent-free, in my parents house, and most people think "how do you not have food?" My parents don't keep foods in the house that are easy to take. The little amount of food that my parents keep stocked in the house is food that has to be prepared. And I have little time to do that it seems. My parents don't keep much food in the house other than the necessities anymore. And I won't ask my parents to buy me special foods or ask them to go buy groceries specifically for me as I do live rent free. There in itself lies the reason I am lift to pilfer the snack cabinet almost daily. How low have I sunk when I'm living off a cup of coffee and whatever else food that someone throws my way because I'm that broke?!?!
I've never felt so low about myself in my life. Between the insecurities, not having a "stable" job, and having to pilfer for food.
But I am blessed. I have a roof over my head. I have a family in good health, albeit one that seems to not really be that close anymore. I have a closet full of clothes. I have the blessings that are my kiddos for another remaining week. And I have a God who promises that He will carry me through this storm in my life. The storm seems as though it has no end in sight....but I have to believe that God is going to get me through it....because heavens knows, I can't get myself out of this mess that I've somehow gotten my life into.
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
[Isaiah 43:2-3]
I just pray that God shows His glory in all of this. Because it is only by God that I will weather this emotional battle that is going on in my heart and mind right now.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
All in a Days Work
I never thought I'd turn into that person whose work becomes their life.
But when there's something worth making your life about...I guess that's just what happens.
Yes I use it as a coping mechanism for all the tough stuff in my life. But my work is about something beautiful and wonderful and so worthwhile. It's for something greater than myself.
These past two days were conferences. Which meant we didn't have kids. We are starting a new unit which meant that I had to switch out a lot of our toys, redo our bulletin boards, prep for all of our activities as well as for planning our regular weekly activities.
I found myself working a couple hours over what I'm supposed to work both yesterday and today. This is quite normal. I'm almost always a half hour early to work and it's not uncommon to find me working an hour later than what I get paid for.
But it's where I find solace. It's what I enjoy doing. And I want to revel in it while I can. In two short weeks I will not be an active part of this little preschool family that I've become a member of :-(
I wish I could stay.
I know that if money wasn't an issue, if I could do whatever I wanted without worrying about money or bills, if I could work for free...that is one of the things I would do. Work in the preschool classroom a couple days a week.
I'm going to miss it all. I'm going to miss my kiddos, my co-worker family, and yes I'm going to miss listening to the Tarzan soundtrack every day :-(
But when there's something worth making your life about...I guess that's just what happens.
Yes I use it as a coping mechanism for all the tough stuff in my life. But my work is about something beautiful and wonderful and so worthwhile. It's for something greater than myself.
These past two days were conferences. Which meant we didn't have kids. We are starting a new unit which meant that I had to switch out a lot of our toys, redo our bulletin boards, prep for all of our activities as well as for planning our regular weekly activities.
I found myself working a couple hours over what I'm supposed to work both yesterday and today. This is quite normal. I'm almost always a half hour early to work and it's not uncommon to find me working an hour later than what I get paid for.
But it's where I find solace. It's what I enjoy doing. And I want to revel in it while I can. In two short weeks I will not be an active part of this little preschool family that I've become a member of :-(
I wish I could stay.
I know that if money wasn't an issue, if I could do whatever I wanted without worrying about money or bills, if I could work for free...that is one of the things I would do. Work in the preschool classroom a couple days a week.
I'm going to miss it all. I'm going to miss my kiddos, my co-worker family, and yes I'm going to miss listening to the Tarzan soundtrack every day :-(
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Through the smoke...
There's so much to talk about, so much I need to say, and so little time....so much I want to pour out and not much that I will.
There is a fierce, intense battle that is going on in my heart right now. That goes down DEEP into my soul, to the very bottoms of it...to all the cobwebbed doors I have kept hidden, all the wounds whose scars are terrible looking, and all of the things that I am normally very good at ignoring/denying/not dealing with.
But I guess I should start from what has been most prevalent in my life this past week. Diana was finally called home early this morning. And this is where I am conflicted. I don't like death, I'm not sure I know anyone who really likes it. However, I deal with death in a completely different way than some others do. Diana was one of my sisters in God, whose faith was remarkable. For that reason alone, I rejoice!! She is in heaven!! She was called Home, to be with our Savior and to rejoice with the angels for eternity. She is free from pain and suffering, from trials and sorrow. But let me reiterate this....she is HOME!! Maybe to those who feel comfortable on this earth, that might not make sense. But I can honestly say that while I can make anywhere comfortable and make anywhere my home, I have never really ever felt like anywhere on this earth is where I belong, is really completely my true home. Every place has always had a sense of being temporary. (Which by the way reminds me of Carrie Underwood's song "Temporary Home" and I would encourage anyone to listen to it.) So I rejoice for Diana. In some ways I'm a tad jealous. She is now in heaven, in perfection, in serenity and bliss. How awesome is that!!
*And side note: ever since I studied about the rapture, I have this vision of when Jesus comes back, He will bring His army....and those who have passed before will be made up in this army. And let's just say since that sermon I've had this really torn urge. I so want Jesus to come back while I'm on earth. But then again, I wish that I die before He does so that I can be a part of that army. I have no idea why but I think that would be the coolest thing ever to come back in Jesus "army". Ok side note over.
On the other hand I mourn. I never knew Diana but apparently she was this phenomenal woman....amazing, smart, beautiful, a heart no one else can possibly have, etc. So why did God call her home so early if she was so amazing and doing such great works on this earth?! Again though, I turn to the fact that she fulfilled her purpose...and well God is a selfish God, he desperately needed her as an angel in heaven to fulfill an even greater purpose. But still, experiencing death as a human is hard. The emotions are hard, and I think that even as much as people like to think I don't have a heart, my heart is bigger than I can express and the pain of losing such a dear woman goes even to the core of my heart. I mourn for her family. I love Cam, and I have already developed a soft spot for Zach and Dawson. I love the whole Hummell family. I love Drue. To see this whole family in pain grieves my heart. To know that those boys won't have their mom their for their first loves, their first dance, their first car, to introduce the love of their life to their mom, to have her kiss them on the cheek when they walk down the aisle, to have their mom pray with them every night and caress their cheek in those small simple moments....well let's just say that breaks my heart.
In short, Diana was called Home this morning...and for that I am choosing to celebrate in my own small way.
In other news, I threw myself whole-heartedly into my job today. I spent ten hours at work today. Participating in conferences, getting the room ready for our next unit, talking with parents, chit-chatting with my co-workers, getting ideas for new things for the children to learn. And it dawned on me that I will only be there for two weeks.
And I'm going to miss it. My work feels like home to me now. Work is the place where my insecurities go away....where I know I mean something to others, where I know that I'm good at what I do. Ok let's correct that. I'm pretty damn great at my job, especially considering I'm willing to learn and go above & beyond all the time, and I'm there for the kids. Work is where I feel comfortable. It's the place where I find I don't doubt myself all day and if I do, I find I do it in a way in which I can build myself and learn from where that doubt stems from. It's a place where I'm needed and wanted. A place where I can actually laugh whole-heartedly and cry in the same day with those around me. A place where I'm supported and encouraged, constructively criticized, and a place where I can pray with other women going through their own struggles. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have this place to go to five days a week. It's my safe-haven. It's where God blesses me and uses me. It's a place in which God teaches me and hugs me all in one day. It's the one place in my life where I feel God is actually showing me that I'm good enough to be used in some sort of manner to glorify Him and be blessed by the small blessings I get to experience every day.
The group of women I work with are nothing short of amazing. And I think that in all of the preschools in our school district, we are the best. And I get to be a part of that team. Me. Nicole Ann Carr. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself and be a part of this amazing thing. Which no one else but us in preschool realize the significance of being a part of what we are. We get to interact with and watch these amazing little personalities blossom. We can provide them a place where they are really cared for and our focus is getting them a great start in the world of education. We are all there for the kids, and nothing more. We laugh and we joke, we cry and we grieve, we play and we learn. Who else gets a work environment (no matter how much money we DON'T make) where they can say they love their jobs and their co-workers?!?! Genuinely. And who else gets to have such intimate conversations surrounding our faith as I get to with all of my co-workers?!?! Not many.
One trouble on my heart though....is why is the Lord roadblocking my passion?! He put this intense, yearning desire to be a nurse in my heart. It's been there for years. I can taste it, I can see it, I can smell it, I can almost touch it. It's so close and yet so far. Just right out of my grasp. What am I doing wrong that God won't allow me a path to get into the career He out a passion in my heart for?! What am I not listening about?! What is it that I'm doing wrong?!
There are so many more intimate troubles on my heart....ones that consume me in so many ways....ways that make me doubt that I'm really made for greatness and for a great purpose. Things that make me doubt that my life is even important. Things that make me constantly fighting off this little demon called depression currently.
Yet I can say this....despite all these trials, and all these demons called insecurities haunting my mind, I can see just HOW MUCH the Lord has blessed my life. And I can also say without a shadow of a doubt that God answers prayers and He keeps His promises. It is only because of God that I am able to keep going day-by-day. I prayed asking Him for strength and He has given it. I can honestly say it is not me getting myself through everything I'm going through right now. I AM NOT that strong of a person. Yet God has been so faithful in being my support and strength and small sense of calm right now. That in itself shows me that God is blessing me.
Thank you Lord for being my rock, my stronghold, my Father Forever.
There is a fierce, intense battle that is going on in my heart right now. That goes down DEEP into my soul, to the very bottoms of it...to all the cobwebbed doors I have kept hidden, all the wounds whose scars are terrible looking, and all of the things that I am normally very good at ignoring/denying/not dealing with.
But I guess I should start from what has been most prevalent in my life this past week. Diana was finally called home early this morning. And this is where I am conflicted. I don't like death, I'm not sure I know anyone who really likes it. However, I deal with death in a completely different way than some others do. Diana was one of my sisters in God, whose faith was remarkable. For that reason alone, I rejoice!! She is in heaven!! She was called Home, to be with our Savior and to rejoice with the angels for eternity. She is free from pain and suffering, from trials and sorrow. But let me reiterate this....she is HOME!! Maybe to those who feel comfortable on this earth, that might not make sense. But I can honestly say that while I can make anywhere comfortable and make anywhere my home, I have never really ever felt like anywhere on this earth is where I belong, is really completely my true home. Every place has always had a sense of being temporary. (Which by the way reminds me of Carrie Underwood's song "Temporary Home" and I would encourage anyone to listen to it.) So I rejoice for Diana. In some ways I'm a tad jealous. She is now in heaven, in perfection, in serenity and bliss. How awesome is that!!
*And side note: ever since I studied about the rapture, I have this vision of when Jesus comes back, He will bring His army....and those who have passed before will be made up in this army. And let's just say since that sermon I've had this really torn urge. I so want Jesus to come back while I'm on earth. But then again, I wish that I die before He does so that I can be a part of that army. I have no idea why but I think that would be the coolest thing ever to come back in Jesus "army". Ok side note over.
On the other hand I mourn. I never knew Diana but apparently she was this phenomenal woman....amazing, smart, beautiful, a heart no one else can possibly have, etc. So why did God call her home so early if she was so amazing and doing such great works on this earth?! Again though, I turn to the fact that she fulfilled her purpose...and well God is a selfish God, he desperately needed her as an angel in heaven to fulfill an even greater purpose. But still, experiencing death as a human is hard. The emotions are hard, and I think that even as much as people like to think I don't have a heart, my heart is bigger than I can express and the pain of losing such a dear woman goes even to the core of my heart. I mourn for her family. I love Cam, and I have already developed a soft spot for Zach and Dawson. I love the whole Hummell family. I love Drue. To see this whole family in pain grieves my heart. To know that those boys won't have their mom their for their first loves, their first dance, their first car, to introduce the love of their life to their mom, to have her kiss them on the cheek when they walk down the aisle, to have their mom pray with them every night and caress their cheek in those small simple moments....well let's just say that breaks my heart.
In short, Diana was called Home this morning...and for that I am choosing to celebrate in my own small way.
In other news, I threw myself whole-heartedly into my job today. I spent ten hours at work today. Participating in conferences, getting the room ready for our next unit, talking with parents, chit-chatting with my co-workers, getting ideas for new things for the children to learn. And it dawned on me that I will only be there for two weeks.
And I'm going to miss it. My work feels like home to me now. Work is the place where my insecurities go away....where I know I mean something to others, where I know that I'm good at what I do. Ok let's correct that. I'm pretty damn great at my job, especially considering I'm willing to learn and go above & beyond all the time, and I'm there for the kids. Work is where I feel comfortable. It's the place where I find I don't doubt myself all day and if I do, I find I do it in a way in which I can build myself and learn from where that doubt stems from. It's a place where I'm needed and wanted. A place where I can actually laugh whole-heartedly and cry in the same day with those around me. A place where I'm supported and encouraged, constructively criticized, and a place where I can pray with other women going through their own struggles. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have this place to go to five days a week. It's my safe-haven. It's where God blesses me and uses me. It's a place in which God teaches me and hugs me all in one day. It's the one place in my life where I feel God is actually showing me that I'm good enough to be used in some sort of manner to glorify Him and be blessed by the small blessings I get to experience every day.
The group of women I work with are nothing short of amazing. And I think that in all of the preschools in our school district, we are the best. And I get to be a part of that team. Me. Nicole Ann Carr. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself and be a part of this amazing thing. Which no one else but us in preschool realize the significance of being a part of what we are. We get to interact with and watch these amazing little personalities blossom. We can provide them a place where they are really cared for and our focus is getting them a great start in the world of education. We are all there for the kids, and nothing more. We laugh and we joke, we cry and we grieve, we play and we learn. Who else gets a work environment (no matter how much money we DON'T make) where they can say they love their jobs and their co-workers?!?! Genuinely. And who else gets to have such intimate conversations surrounding our faith as I get to with all of my co-workers?!?! Not many.
One trouble on my heart though....is why is the Lord roadblocking my passion?! He put this intense, yearning desire to be a nurse in my heart. It's been there for years. I can taste it, I can see it, I can smell it, I can almost touch it. It's so close and yet so far. Just right out of my grasp. What am I doing wrong that God won't allow me a path to get into the career He out a passion in my heart for?! What am I not listening about?! What is it that I'm doing wrong?!
There are so many more intimate troubles on my heart....ones that consume me in so many ways....ways that make me doubt that I'm really made for greatness and for a great purpose. Things that make me doubt that my life is even important. Things that make me constantly fighting off this little demon called depression currently.
Yet I can say this....despite all these trials, and all these demons called insecurities haunting my mind, I can see just HOW MUCH the Lord has blessed my life. And I can also say without a shadow of a doubt that God answers prayers and He keeps His promises. It is only because of God that I am able to keep going day-by-day. I prayed asking Him for strength and He has given it. I can honestly say it is not me getting myself through everything I'm going through right now. I AM NOT that strong of a person. Yet God has been so faithful in being my support and strength and small sense of calm right now. That in itself shows me that God is blessing me.
Thank you Lord for being my rock, my stronghold, my Father Forever.
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Time to Weep, A Time to Mourn, A Time to Celebrate
Perspective is something that can be gained in so many different ways, but none so more refreshing nor more humble than the perspective one gains from death and dying.
We will all die. That is no hidden secret nor recent development.
However God uses death as a way of making us look at our own lives, look at how we are using our life, look at those around us, look at the choices we make in life, look at the faith that is within our soul....all of this to help us gain perspective.
Isn't it funny how when you are sitting in a room full of beloved family members all gathered around a courageous, faithful daughter of God who is lying on her deathbed, nothing else matters. Most of what people obsess over seems petty. Not that it didn't before all of this. But really the magnitude of how dumb some things in life really are gets magnified under the weight and microscope that is the death of a loved one.
Yesterday Britton and I raced up to Morrison to be with the Hummell's as Diana lays dying. We surely thought that yesterday was the day...however Diana is still fighting. But the entire length of the afternoon and evening was spent with the family gathered at Cam's.
This is where I admit that I feel like an intruder....as I do not feel like a total part of the family. Yes I am Britton's girlfriend who loves him whole-heartedly. But I didn't really know Diana that well, only a few brief times of meeting her, hearing about her from Britton and his family, and her blog. However, I can say that it felt remarkable for them to welcome me into the home at such an intense time. I only hope that I'm able to offer at least a morsel of comfort and support and love during such a hard time, and that me being there is not useless.
Driving up to Morrison I found my heart again facing my own demons. These demons coming in the form of insecurities that have been built up from years of tumultuous family history and years of being put down by people in my life. Before Britton and I walked out the door, I came across something that left my heart heavy. I then found myself silently crying in the truck....for Diana, for Britton, for Cam & the boys, for his family, for me, for failing to be good enough for my family and for being such a huge problem in their life, for the insecurities in my heart and head, for the longings that have been left unattended to in my heart, for Satan attacking me so hard....so so SO many things.
And then I started praying with something Drue (Diana's mom) laid on my heart just a few night's previous....to ward off Satan's attacks by facing them with prayer. Britton and I prayed in the truck on the way up there. And when we got to the house, I took a quick little walk, prayed to God to cast away ALL of my problems, all of my heart's grievances, to cast away all the thoughts in my head, to simply help me to put it all aside so that I could be there for the Hummell's. I prayed fervently for strength, for emotional stability, to work in my heart and use this as a time to help others and not myself.
There was a verse that Diana shared back in April, that alongside the bible study I just started called "Breaking Free" that was resonating in my heart while I prayed and I reminded God of His scriptures that He had given me and to hold true to these promises. She shared Isaiah 43: 2-3 which I realize she had her own set of trials she was going through in which she was brought to this. But it's a promise God makes to us that WHEN we face trials, not if, that God will guide us through them.
It says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
And then He brought me to these verses in my bible study: Isaiah 52:13-53:12
In these verses they prophesy the suffering of Christ. They talk about Jesus boring our sin, our transgressions, being rejected and ridiculed, being beaten and scourged. And we are reminded....Jesus suffered as we suffer. There is no suffering and pain that our God, our Savior in the flesh, did not know and experience before we ourselves did. He KNOWS the pain and the suffering we go through....whether it be mental, emotional, physical, spiritual....because OUR GOD has felt that same suffering.
It's easy for me to forget that we have a God who can relate to our pain and trials. He is perfect, and most times I pray to Him as someone who is Almighty and Perfect and Holy. But most times I forget that my perfect God is also a God who, in the flesh on this earth, went through the same transgressions we did. I forget this, and I feel ashamed and ugly and unworthy. When I forget this, I often forget to go to Him with everything as I don't remember that my God is relatable and he can relate to what I'm feeling. He isn't just perfect, He's personable and relates to us, He understands and He knows.
Isaiah 9:1 "Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress."
Isaiah 6 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
What I have to remember is that our loving Father is perfect, is Holy, but he understands our pain and suffering as He himself once went through it. He is our Father forever, He is Mighty and He is a Wonder of Counselor. I can take everything to Him, everything, and He will guide me through it.
I held true to these promises yesterday in praying to God and wouldn't you know, my Wonderful Counselor gave me all the strength and all the peace I needed for Him to use me as whatever instrument He needed me for yesterday at the Hummell's. My Mighty God temporarily calmed and strengthened my heart and mind. He held true to His promises, guiding me through the trials that He promised we would all go through. Not if, when. And He's there.
It was an intense and hard afternoon/evening that is carrying over to today.
I have prayed and continue to pray for comfort for the entire Hummell family. This is not an easy thing to go through, and all of them need to be kept under Jesus' loving arms and held firmly there in a spiritual hug that only God himself can give. I have prayed that God would call His angel home, and ease her suffering in that tiny little body that has fought such a ridiculously intense and strong battle. I have prayed that God will help them all to find solace in grieving with each other and strength in knowing that they are not alone. I pray that God will continue to give me strength and a calm in my heart to be there for those who need it right now. I have prayed that through this all that God's glory will shine through it all and resonate with those lives who Diana has touched, including mine.
Once again, God has shown me the power of my favorite verse in the bible and it will ever reign true.
"Be still and know that I am God." Proverbs 46:10
With all of that being said, this week has been a time to weep, a time to mourn, and a time to celebrate. To celebrate God. But also to celebrate Diana's life and the impact she has made, the light she has been to the world for God, the glory she has given God, and the amazing ways she has touched so many people.
Even the small ways she has touched this less-than-ordinary woman's heart of mine.
I only hope that maybe one day I can do that too, in my own way that God has planned.
We will all die. That is no hidden secret nor recent development.
However God uses death as a way of making us look at our own lives, look at how we are using our life, look at those around us, look at the choices we make in life, look at the faith that is within our soul....all of this to help us gain perspective.
Isn't it funny how when you are sitting in a room full of beloved family members all gathered around a courageous, faithful daughter of God who is lying on her deathbed, nothing else matters. Most of what people obsess over seems petty. Not that it didn't before all of this. But really the magnitude of how dumb some things in life really are gets magnified under the weight and microscope that is the death of a loved one.
Yesterday Britton and I raced up to Morrison to be with the Hummell's as Diana lays dying. We surely thought that yesterday was the day...however Diana is still fighting. But the entire length of the afternoon and evening was spent with the family gathered at Cam's.
This is where I admit that I feel like an intruder....as I do not feel like a total part of the family. Yes I am Britton's girlfriend who loves him whole-heartedly. But I didn't really know Diana that well, only a few brief times of meeting her, hearing about her from Britton and his family, and her blog. However, I can say that it felt remarkable for them to welcome me into the home at such an intense time. I only hope that I'm able to offer at least a morsel of comfort and support and love during such a hard time, and that me being there is not useless.
Driving up to Morrison I found my heart again facing my own demons. These demons coming in the form of insecurities that have been built up from years of tumultuous family history and years of being put down by people in my life. Before Britton and I walked out the door, I came across something that left my heart heavy. I then found myself silently crying in the truck....for Diana, for Britton, for Cam & the boys, for his family, for me, for failing to be good enough for my family and for being such a huge problem in their life, for the insecurities in my heart and head, for the longings that have been left unattended to in my heart, for Satan attacking me so hard....so so SO many things.
And then I started praying with something Drue (Diana's mom) laid on my heart just a few night's previous....to ward off Satan's attacks by facing them with prayer. Britton and I prayed in the truck on the way up there. And when we got to the house, I took a quick little walk, prayed to God to cast away ALL of my problems, all of my heart's grievances, to cast away all the thoughts in my head, to simply help me to put it all aside so that I could be there for the Hummell's. I prayed fervently for strength, for emotional stability, to work in my heart and use this as a time to help others and not myself.
There was a verse that Diana shared back in April, that alongside the bible study I just started called "Breaking Free" that was resonating in my heart while I prayed and I reminded God of His scriptures that He had given me and to hold true to these promises. She shared Isaiah 43: 2-3 which I realize she had her own set of trials she was going through in which she was brought to this. But it's a promise God makes to us that WHEN we face trials, not if, that God will guide us through them.
It says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
And then He brought me to these verses in my bible study: Isaiah 52:13-53:12
In these verses they prophesy the suffering of Christ. They talk about Jesus boring our sin, our transgressions, being rejected and ridiculed, being beaten and scourged. And we are reminded....Jesus suffered as we suffer. There is no suffering and pain that our God, our Savior in the flesh, did not know and experience before we ourselves did. He KNOWS the pain and the suffering we go through....whether it be mental, emotional, physical, spiritual....because OUR GOD has felt that same suffering.
It's easy for me to forget that we have a God who can relate to our pain and trials. He is perfect, and most times I pray to Him as someone who is Almighty and Perfect and Holy. But most times I forget that my perfect God is also a God who, in the flesh on this earth, went through the same transgressions we did. I forget this, and I feel ashamed and ugly and unworthy. When I forget this, I often forget to go to Him with everything as I don't remember that my God is relatable and he can relate to what I'm feeling. He isn't just perfect, He's personable and relates to us, He understands and He knows.
Isaiah 9:1 "Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress."
Isaiah 6 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
What I have to remember is that our loving Father is perfect, is Holy, but he understands our pain and suffering as He himself once went through it. He is our Father forever, He is Mighty and He is a Wonder of Counselor. I can take everything to Him, everything, and He will guide me through it.
I held true to these promises yesterday in praying to God and wouldn't you know, my Wonderful Counselor gave me all the strength and all the peace I needed for Him to use me as whatever instrument He needed me for yesterday at the Hummell's. My Mighty God temporarily calmed and strengthened my heart and mind. He held true to His promises, guiding me through the trials that He promised we would all go through. Not if, when. And He's there.
It was an intense and hard afternoon/evening that is carrying over to today.
I have prayed and continue to pray for comfort for the entire Hummell family. This is not an easy thing to go through, and all of them need to be kept under Jesus' loving arms and held firmly there in a spiritual hug that only God himself can give. I have prayed that God would call His angel home, and ease her suffering in that tiny little body that has fought such a ridiculously intense and strong battle. I have prayed that God will help them all to find solace in grieving with each other and strength in knowing that they are not alone. I pray that God will continue to give me strength and a calm in my heart to be there for those who need it right now. I have prayed that through this all that God's glory will shine through it all and resonate with those lives who Diana has touched, including mine.
Once again, God has shown me the power of my favorite verse in the bible and it will ever reign true.
"Be still and know that I am God." Proverbs 46:10
With all of that being said, this week has been a time to weep, a time to mourn, and a time to celebrate. To celebrate God. But also to celebrate Diana's life and the impact she has made, the light she has been to the world for God, the glory she has given God, and the amazing ways she has touched so many people.
Even the small ways she has touched this less-than-ordinary woman's heart of mine.
I only hope that maybe one day I can do that too, in my own way that God has planned.
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