Trust

"I realize you have no other reason to trust me but a choice. It's up to you to decide. I'm broke, I'm wrecked, I can no longer maintain the pride or the arrogance. I lost you a long time ago. You're not someone to keep. You need to be free. Just a coincidence at circumstance and happenstance. Is it fate? or does it matter? You'll think what you think, trust at the brink and it all comes down to the choice. Silence."
[PH]

Last night was a crazy and emotional night for me. With my heart being so guarded, I have known for awhile that dating is just not an area I'm comfortable or ready for....not after the destruction of Britton. I am so guarded in so many ways. And I hate it on some levels, but it's so instinctual. And GOOD for me right now.

With that I asked PH, who has feelings for me, to not show up to where I would be last night, as I needed space and time with my friends. I literally needed that time, to be me, and let go of the week behind in which I had worked my whole week away, from morning until night. I needed to laugh and be free. Well it so happens that in the middle of The Evening Edition's set, I spotted them.

Of course I was pissed. My night, which had started off so wonderfully, came shattering down around me like a million pieces. I had gotten one of my besties to finally come out with us again after months of not really hanging out. The Evening Edition was up. A had a little alcohol for a buzz, and I was there for the moment. Until that one glimpse brought me shattering back to all guards being up and my "night of freedom" coming to a halt. Even Britt and Sheree saw in my eyes how pissed and hurt I was.

So I tried to still have a good night, keeping my distance and space, probably hurting PH, but really....what else could I do?! Throw a hissy and be completely pissed. Nope, stolen gulps of beer and laughing and inappropriate comments from the mouths of high school elite's past, I tried to salvage my night.

And then PH pulled me aside after all the bands' sets and handed me a napkin with the above on it and asked if I believed that him showing up for a night of live music was merely coincidental (meaning he didn't know that THIS bar was exactly where I'd be).

I don't know how to answer that. It's a huge coincidence....and one that if it really is a coincidence fell on the one night I told him I needed space. And there he was. And there he was all night, not even heading out to let me continue to have my night of space. I can trust him at his word, which I do on one hand. But on the other hand, the circumstances don't allow me to really trust the whole evening very well.

Especially with how it ended.

And with how it ended, I walked. I walked away, down the sidewalk, to my car in which my two best friends were waiting in. In which another drama unfolded, that (not) surprisingly enough, involved trust issues from someone else.

But is trust really a CHOICE for me right now?

I have come to realize since Britton, trusting men has become near impossible for me....especially men in any sort of romantic way. My walls are up, my guards are on duty. I'm not sure I can fully trust a man even if I wanted to. But is it really a choice for me right now? Or was that choice taken away when I was left with the scars from the destruction Britton laid upon my heart?

I'm not so sure right now trust is a choice for me at all, rather it's something I'm not sure I am capable of completely anymore.

Ironic....coming from the girl who trusted Britton so fully and willingly from the get-go. And has a nasty little habit of trusting people until she's hurt.

But have I finally learned my lesson, only to allow it to lead me to the other side of the spectrum?

I miss this part of my old self...the trusting part.

Damn you Britton.

I find mind dwelling on the image burned in my brain from last night....the drama, the emotional escapade that ensued, and me walking away....the image of the lampposts shedding dull light onto the sidewalk of the streets of Larimer as I concentrated on the cracks and wear-and-tear I could see. Imbedded in my mind is the image of walking away from so many things representing my past, my present, my future, my fears and my doubts....and I simply walked away. I couldn't handle them at that moment. So I do what I do best...I slip quietly into the darkness without another word.

When did I become the girl to run?! I can tell you when....when life's emotions and trials became a little too much for me to bear.

But will I always be the girl walking away out of fear, anger, resentment, frustration, emotional threshold?! Or will I learn to overcome that and stand up to it face to face?!

Is trusting others really a choice right now?! Deep in my heart, unfortunately and heartbreakingly, I know the answer is no, I cannot trust most people right now....

And it makes me cry that my life has left me in this spot....that my heart is this hurt and broken that I realize this about myself....