A Need to be Desired

As a woman we want to be desired, we want to WANT to be loved, we want to be NEEDED, we need to be made to feel special, we need to feel unique, we have to be made to feel beautiful...by those around us, but most importantly from our significant other.

I want so badly for someone to just love the shit out of me....but I've found out I don't feel like I'm worthy of that love nor right now can I allow myself to be that vulnerable. What a place to be in right?! Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I wonder if and when some guy will feel that way about me.....that he can't stand NOT having me in his life because he cares about me that much, because he loves me that much.

My heart wishes to live in a fairy tale. Will it ever happen?!

Although with that I will also note I am nowhere close to being ready to be married or have kids....I just want to be loved, desired, needed, wanted, and to feel special. By a special someone.

Eric makes me feel that way sometimes....but not always.

The Big Bang Theory

For those of you that haven't watched The Big Bang Theory, you need to for many reasons....but here are the top three.

1) It's absolutely hysterical and will most definitely brighten your day.
2) You will find a new-found respect for geekdom.
3) Sheldon just rocks.

This is one of those tv shows that just absolutely makes me crack up every single time I watch it.

"Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch."

And by the way, mua ha ha ha.

I Photoged a Mazda Speed 6

Well there's a first for everything. I love capturing people's expressions....so you can only imagine a little of my inner turmoil at being asked to photograph....a car. OF COURSE I wanted to get behind my camera and shoot something new, OF COURSE I wanted to help a friend out, OF COURSE I liked the challenge....however, how do you photograph a car?! I mean really they have no expression!! So that's where you have to "give" them expression....aka the backdrop, lighting, and angle become pretty important when doing this I found. Some of the pictures were just HORRIBLE! At least in my opinion, although Eric found much delight in almost all the photographs. At least he was happy :-)

So here are some of my photos!

Mazda Speed 6....his new powdercoated wheelz


I feel the need, the need for speed


I just thought this was a cool pic....and you can see his silhouette in the reflection off the bumper


I need a fast car....candy-coated red.....

NO H8

So about a month ago, one of my very close friends Dan and I threw a NO H8 party! It was honestly a blast and I got to play photographer....which of course is FANTASTIC!!! The whole point of the party was two very opposite people coming together and hosting a party that celebrated the fact that though we have very different views on love, religion, politics, etc that we can still love and respect each other for who we are. A friend of mine committed suicide about a week prior to it so we also celebrated TWLOHA....a foundation of which I fully support and try to put into awareness at every turn possible.

*If you have no idea what TWLOHA is the foundation is To Write Love On Her Arms and it's a suicide awareness & prevention cause.

Anywho, the night went rather well. And I took some amazing pictures if I do say so myself. However, I was thrown in front of the camera at one point and I can honestly say I'm much more comfortable behind the camera that I am in front of it. And it's very weird editing pics of myself so they got the least amount of editing. Here are the 2 group photos for the night and one of myself :-)

This was our serious NO H8 group shot


Dan & I love Lady Gaga so we did a Love Monsters photo :-)


And this is me in front of the camera for once!

Bucket List vs Life

So there are a lot of things I want to do with my life, A LOT of things. Some of which others don't/wouldn't approve.

Though honestly others opinions don't always influence my decisions.

But I'm finding doing ANYTHING on my bucket list is hard to do when I work my life away. This thought currently weighs me down.

I'm trying to find a way to be happy with the craziness that is my life currently but I find it hard at times. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not living like the 22-year-old that I am.

One day I'll figure things out.

Running at 3/4 Speed

I've found that the older I get, the faster time seems to move.

This creates a problem....increasingly there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to, let alone what I WANT to. And it also leaves me feeling like running.....in circles mostly but running nevertheless.

Hence why I haven't even had a chance to purge my thoughts recently.

Well that's a lie, I bought a new journal to chronicle my deepest darkest thoughts that I just needed to purge.....mainly on the topics of my love live and inner struggles with confidence....but also as a form of therapy for those things. Even then I haven't had a chance to sit down in a few days.

So life has thrown a few curveballs recently.

The first one was the death of a family friend.....one of Marshall's friends actually....who I viewed as an adopted younger brother. Though we weren't very close, we were close enough for his suicide to really throw me a jolt. I have come to love and be "sisterly" protective of all my brothers friends....and for the first suicide close to me to happen sorta sent my world upside down in a few areas.

The biggest thought that went through my mind was a sort of numbing and yet very sharp pain......at one thought and one thought only. For someone to commit suicide, they have to feel as though no one on this earth loves them enough for it to be worthy for them to stay around. And I can't imagine that. How terrible is that?! I can't even fathom it but for that I'm glad. But then again I know that even in my darkest moments that I have an amazing God who loves me, every single ounce of me, and is with me at all times. Ben didn't even feel that. How terrible....how excruciatingly terrible.

It reminded me why "I Love You" is the most important phrase in my life. I can't say it enough and will never regret saying it. And I need to take every opportunity in my life to tell those I care about that I love them, even when I don't think it's being heard or will scare someone away. I have no idea when is my last day on this earth....nor does anyone else. I want others to know what I feel towards them. I don't want a guessing game left behind when I go....I want those around me to know that I love them. And in one area I have become very protective of that and it's towards Eric. He's scared of love and to hear he's loved....but it's part of me to say it even when he can't say it in return. So I don't shy away from it as often...I've said it a couple times to even him.

But I've found it's hard to be as open with my feelings with people in general right now. In Fort Collins, every one understood and it was natural. Here in Brighton, everyone lives trying to impress and in their own bubble....and any sort of affection almost makes people uncomfortable. What a sad thought. It shouldn't be that way.

And with that I can also say that it made me realize I've been denying the true depth of my feelings for Eric....even though we are not together, and still only dating. I still deny the depth of my feelings but at least I realize that they are deep. Not to mention deadly. I might really get hurt. But it's worth it. I'm not going to deny that I am in love with him. I'm just going to guard against it....as best as possible anyway.

My kiddos are amazing!! I love working with them!! I have been doing my phlebotomy clinicals this week at Good Samaritan and I have severely missed their energy....though at the end of the day I'm definitely not as physically exhausted...just mentally. But I miss seeing their little progress' and I REALLY miss my little Patrick :-( I need a Patrick hug desperately. And I have to wait until Tuesday to get one. WAH!!

Through doing these phlebotomy clinicals I have realized a couple things. First is that I really don't like working too much with old people. I miss the energy of kids. It reaffirms that kids are a passion of mine. But it also reaffirms that the medical field is a place that feels natural. I'm not sure in what capacities I will end up in the medical field....I'm thinking I'll wind up in several areas throughout my life. But it's a place that works for me and is enjoyable and almost second nature.

I've also realized that I really hate being stuck inside all day. HA! Seriously it just sorta stinks!!!

And I've realized I AM NOT looking forward to getting old....at least in the way that all of the people there get old....and I need to do everything I can to prevent it.

I'm learning a lot though. And I've experienced some cool things. Yesterday I saw a Code Blue (think E.R. and crash carts), I've seen a severed foot, massive quantities of blood (obviously as I am drawing it all day), and pieces of body tissue. The most interesting of which was the POC's (products of conception). In case that doesn't make sense it's basically the remnants of miscarriages. Very sad but very interesting to see. I got to see a tiny recognizable fetus that was about the size of half my forearm. It had all the features of a person with the tiniest fingers possible and a very oblong face....curled up....very peaceful. How sad for those families :-( Heartbreaking in fact.

But on the other spectrum I have got to see quite a few newborns as the mothers are feeding them (while I draw blood). They are so tiny and adorable and innocent. And I got to draw a lady in between contractions. That in itself was quite interesting. Very cool but sorta out-of-body-ish experience. HA! Fascinating.

And with all of that....I have to get up at 3am and my advil pm is kicking in. I have so much more to purge but my brain is literally shutting down currently. Another day on the grind tomorrow....hopefully I as good sticking people tomorrow as I did today :-)

I have many stresses on my mind that I am quite good at ignoring.....until they start manifesting physically as they are doing so now with me waking up nauseous many a morning.

I've concluded this: I need to move back out on my own, soon. I am a woman of independence and I need to live with others my age in a setting that is more my lifestyle and not that of middle suburbia.

I've also concluded dating life is wreaking havoc on my mind. I simply am torn when it comes to what I desire and what I my heart naturally wants to do. I desire to be loved like all others but I am naturally prone to guarding my heart as of late.

Either way, I need to get a grip on my stress. God and I have been in constant conversations which is why I think I'm no longer denying a lot of what's going on with me. But it's painful.

Growing pains, gotta love em.

Boudoir

I think it would be absolutely fun to do boudoir photography.....seriously!!!!

I could totally see myself doing it :)

I Hate Taxes

That's all I have to say to that crap.....

Ok I don't mind them....I just hate getting everything together at the end of the year.....PAIN IN THE ASS

Turning a New Wheel

Well the week is almost over and I feel as though it has literally flown by, in good ways and bad.

Having a full-time position sucks in this aspect: I HAVE to go to work everyday for the same amount of time and have no time to do anything but give and give and give to my job. When the evening comes around, I'm completely wore out and find that doing things that I enjoy gets pushed by the wayside.

But of course I'm not gonna let a silly little thing called time get in my way ALL of the time ;) I do try to jampack my evenings full of things to do. And now I'm learning that everything has to have a set amount of time committed to it....albeit I am HORRIBLE at time management currently. I have too many things I want to do and love to do that juggling them is pretty much like juggling razor sharp knives....impossible to do right.

My newest addition back to my life is working out. I started doing the P90X program, though I'm only on day 2. So far I LOVE IT! I am sore and exhausted and wore out but holy I love the burn of working out and knowing I am doing something that will eventually lead to me being in better shape and looking better than I do now.

I'm turning over a new leaf and trying to get back into shape. I'm going to make an effort to cut junk food out of my life, to stop snacking on crappy foods, and to add more water back into my diet. I also need to sleep a little more but I want my body to be healthier, I want to be back in shape.

My biggest obstacle right now is my job. I have a very laborious, energy-intensive job that will hinder this and I'll have to find a balance for awhile between the amount of energy put into both so that I don't completely drop the ball in either area.

But I'm excited....I'm motivated. I'm tired of looking at pictures of me and not liking what I see. I know I'm my hardest and worst critic but I know that I can be happy with my body, more so than now. And I want to be. I'm in the prime of my life. I need to start better patterns that can continue for a lifetime.

So that means being motivated and working out to get my bootay in shape :)

I'm turning a new wheel.....let's hope this wheel keeps on rolling and gains some speed!!!

Are you fab?!?!

Fabulous....it's a word that's thrown around in copious amounts in our society.

"Darling you look fabulous....That dress is fabulous....Denver is fabulous....honey, that's just fabulous...."

I will admit, I sort of have a love/hate relationship with this word. On one hand I associate it with the arrogant snooty celebrity type. That's how I came to hear this word so much at first. And seriously, we all know that celebrities are just a tad ridiculous (in the annoying way) in their own right.

Then on one hand, everytime I tell someone they look fabulous I instantaneously in my head think (in the best Jim Carrey voice I can muster) "Somebody looks FABULOUS!" and then automatically think of Britt my ex-roomie and calling so many things 'fab'. And on that token, I hearts this word.

By the way, the fact that I say "I heart (insert any word here)" is a tad ridiculous but that's an entirely different subject.

Anywho, Dan uses the word fabulous all the time. Why wouldn't he?! He's gay. When you're gay everything is either fabulous or oh-my-god awful....there's not much in between when it comes to first impressions on much. Sorry to stereotype but honestly, just interact with a few gay men and you'll understand this is typically true....much like white people typically flop like fish on the dance floor unless they have had tons of practice shaking their booty.

Dan and I were talking and of course we were talking about fabulous things. Namely how us continuing our friendship after a long hiatus is fabulous and that we in ourselves are fabulous for being able to dream so passionately, live so much in the moment, but also be able to recognize the power and beauty of God. It's a much more complicated conversation that can't really be relayed unless you part of it. Oh well, good enough recap.

But this is our conclusion: life is meant to be lived fabulously. There is no definition to what fabulously looks like however, so that needs to be interpreted in one's own fashion. But to us, life is meant to be lived fabulously.

And here's a few things that to us mean living life fabulously:
*Recognizing that God is beautiful, amazing, and is everywhere. God is everything that is and is not. God simply IS. Oh and not to mention the EXTREME amounts of love that come with God and (for me personally, not so much Dan, who doesn't believe in Jesus) the incredibly beautiful yet unwarranted sacrifice of Jesus to save our souls.
*Living life passionately. I've talked about passion SO much but I can't help it. It's an inate part of my being. This means loving, growing, crying, dreaming, believing, talking, laughing, singing, and working with passion.....with as much energy and enthusiasm as one can muster. God didn't make us to do things without passion and without soul. He made us soulful, feeling people.....let's use that gift!!
*Living a life of love. I LOVE people. I LOVE life. I LOVE God. I LOVE my family. I LOVE music. I LOVE every moment, no matter how much I don't like it. God is love, God shows us love. We were meant to love. And love comes in SO many different forms. I can honestly say I love most everyone in my life. There's a few people I'm sure I could find to exclude from this but I love most everyone for a reason and in a different way. I don't care who you are, where you came from, your beliefs, etc. We were meant to be loved and I enjoy loving those around me for the reasons I love them. I wish more people would recognize the power of love and how love isn't JUST a feeling towards one's family and spouse/partner. It's something you can feel in different ways with everybody!!
*Having a good time. This doesn't mean always going out and drinking or causing hell, though I'm guilty of it. But honestly, I have a great time sitting at home watching a tv series with friends drinking grape juice and snaking on pretzels. Life is meant to be full of memories and cherished great moments. That is just fabulous.
*Being the best we can be and CHASING, RUNNING after our dreams and encouraging everyone else to do the same....no matter how unattainable we think they are. Nothing is possible, never say never. Sure it's not gonna be easy. (In fact, I think I'm a tad nuts thinking I actually might possess any ability to help write a book.) But it's all about the journey and doing something you love and trying to achieve something you look forward to.

ALL OF THAT is living fabulously. And that is what I have decided one of my goals for 2010 is.....to try to live life fabulously.

Now here's the question, are you fabulous?! Do you want to live life fabulously?! And what does living life fabulously look like to you?!

Great, now that you've answered yes to the first question and have defined the others....live a fabulous life!! :-D

Rocky Bottom Tops

Sometimes in life God sends you those little breathes of fresh air, well really big breathes, that come at exactly the right moment in the exact package one needs them. Tonight was one of them. And I couldn't be more amazed at God's perfect timing and awareness of our needs.

Today was a hard day for me.....not literally, it wasn't really that bad. But I found myself being grated on the side of irritation. I then found myself getting pissed off and a little down in the dumps.

In steps a beer date with Ian that we had decided on just a few days ago.

I wouldn't have guessed it would be as momentous as it was.

Sitting and conversing with my old/new friend Ian in a way we never have before was like reopening a part of my soul that has been locked away for the past few months in the craziness of life. I was able to peek into my own soul through him and relinquish truths that I can't normally in my given situation and whereabouts in life.

A few challenges were made, futures were contemplated, philosophies and ideas were discussed, and a penpal match was made.

We are both aspiring writers who are currently giving a huge "eff you" to the world who thinks that this task will be impossible. Who knows?! One day our penpal letters might be organized into some book that will be dubbed literary genius......or rather just a goal set between two kindred souls walking very different yet very oddly similar paths.

Our destinations and journeys are so different yet so intertwined. In steps these people just when you need them. God is there directing.....on cue, right now. Holy mother.

3 amazing things that happened today:
*Dan and I decided to write a book together.
*Ian and I contemplated the possibility of forming a book in a few years based off the pen pal letters we develop in the next few years. Publishers can do what they want with it.
*Ian challenged me to write about scrupulous-ness. One page, front and back in a letter.

I just caught a glimpse of the future. But a glimpse that was nothing like I thought it would be. Where will I be in a few short years?!

This I do know......Ian understands two of the things closest to my heart.....the importance of passion in life, and the beauty of following one's heart. I wonder where us two souls will find ourselves. All I know is this is the beginning of a beautiful journey between two friends whose paths happened to cross at exactly the right moment.

Wash Park Panorama

Trying to find a place to get this printed :) Pretty proud of taking the pics then merging them all together.....first panorama!!!

Happy New Year 2010

I can say I think 2010 is going to be a crazy effing year but it's going to be a great year....it can't be anything less than great....I won't let it :)

Last night I celebrated by doing my hair cute (heck yes to getting my hair to successfully poof for once!), wearing a new outfit that included some of the cutest and most flattering jeans I've ever gotten, a cute colorful shirt, and new black high heels, and then went to a couple good friends parties to hang out.

I started off the evening at Britt's place for her Black & White fancy party, of which I was a sore thumb at. It was great!!! I got to catch up with Britt and Shelly and then spent the rest of my time there smartassing and laughing with my good friend Eamonn. God bless Eamonn is all I have to say. I love his punk ass. Literally. He's a punk rocker, with an orange mohawk, and a passion for pirates, PBR, and Ireland.

I got complimented on my jeans and heels and told that though it was abnormal for me, that I looked very cute. I didn't drink, rather chose to drink punch there as I was driving to Loveland later on. But it was great :)

I then headed to Dan's. Dan is a very very gay friend of mine that I love. We are accepting of each other no matter how different our religious and political views. We love and accept each other as is. Love love friends like that. Anywho, we were the only single two of a total of eight people (the other six being three adorable couples). Kat, her sister Claire, and their cousin Lindsey and their respective boyfriends are there. Kat and Claire are the nieces of Bill Ritter, our governor of Colorado, which I learned last night. Regardless, I love Kat and Dan :)

We had a good time listening to music, looking fabulous, doing a couple shots and drinking a really good spiked fruit punch.

And then the last ten minutes of the year we spent watching the recap of the ball dropping in New York.....and laughing our asses off at various jokes. Then at midnight, Dan, my gay friend, was my midnight kiss.....and man did we bring it in in glorious style :) Then was time for a last drink and bedtime.

Oh how I love cuddling up in my pj's in a bed full of great friends....nothing better :)

It was a great way to bring in my New Year!!!

I also got hugs from all my Britt friends that night which I found was hilarious and wonderful.....lots and lots of Britt's in my life.

My resolution this year: Let God take over the drivers seat in my life and just let things be. God is throwing curveballs and I think I just need to stop being a really bad driver, rather take over the annoying backseat driver position. I need to be strong enough to trust Him with ALL of my life.....so that's what I am working on this year. Letting things be and letting God take the wheel.

2010: Let the craziness begin.

Happy New Year!!!

A Recap of 2009

Here is my recap of 2009....buckle your seatbelts....it's a wild wild ride, especially romantically :)

January - I started off the New Year very quietly at my aunt's (guiltily had to read my own blog to remember what I did last New Year's Eve) and was texting a douche named Vrbas, who decided not to date me because we didn't have chemistry. God works in great ways. I started my month off a little wild also with an impromptu night in Estes Park with Alyssa who continually helps to "corrupt" me haha. I started my last hell-ish semester as a food science and human nutrition major and quickly realized it was going to be one hell of a semester because I wasn't the slightest bit interested in anything I was learning. However, I did take pleasure in seeing my friends every day and enjoyed living with two great girls that I could laugh with until all hours of the night. I also became obsessed with Twilight after Britt cornered me on my bed one night and made me start reading the first book. It took me a mere week and three days to finish all four books while working. I was hooked and it started many emphatic conversations between Shelly and I :)

February - my poor bike was stolen (RIP) and I soon found a new love of riding the bus to school every day as my form of transportation. I soon realized that I am ill equipped for Colorado weather despite having lived here my whole life and cursed myself to the bus stop every single day for not having my bike nor a decent pair of boots to wear. I enjoyed several fun nights out on the town with friends but mainly focused on working a job I was starting to loathe (trying to manage your own peers sucks most of the time, especially when they have no sense of respect) and trying to pay attention in class. For the most part I went to all my classes but one, my last one being my last class of the day which I didn't exactly love going to. I started taking an interest in one of my brothers friends and also traveled to "The Good Life" to watch him play baseball.

March - I had some fun traveling around, fooled around flirting with Marshall's friend and VOILA got my first tattoo :) Spring break was spent working and having fun with friends/family. School was meh and mid-terms came and went. I was doing fairly well. I started gaining a little bit of weight and found a new love for Nike sweatpants and dresses with leggings. I also adored my Northface jacket like none other. It was also around the end of this month that I started talking to Eric and I became intrigued.

April - brought a whole new meaning to the word senioritis and I found it increasingly difficult to....how can I put this....give a rats ass about something I found I clearly had to interest in. My senior presentation was coming up and the only thing that saved me was two group mates who actually had an interest in researching the nutrition side of our topic (Alzheimer's disease and the Mediterranean diet) while I researched the medical side....my specialty. Eric and I started talking more and even had coffee together. I invited him to come to our fancy party in May and he accepted the invitation. However, innocent flirtations on my part started manifesting in something more. April also brought a realization that I was soon to be a college grad and had no idea what I was going to do moving back home.

May - fancy party came and went and Eric and I shared our first kiss and first date. I graduated (FINALLY) although I will admit it was a very weird thing to happen....never thought I'd ever be in college let alone graduating from it. I soon learned that I wish I would have taken more advantage of the opportunities at hand while in college. Shelly and Britt and I shared a great last month together though a very emotional one....read the blog if you want to know just how crazy emotional I was. I moved home and Kevan graduated high school. I confessed to Eric that I was falling in love with him and he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a crazy emotional yet happy time for me.

June - basically just a really fun time of hanging out in Denver with Eric as much as possible and going out on the town. Lots of fun nights and memories. My parents and I started fighting more and more though and old turmoils started coming up. I was used to living on my own and they are used to having rules to abide by. I started job hunting, albeit less than half-hearted as I wanted to enjoy a full month off before I started working again.

July - crazy more memories with Eric. We had a great fourth of July that was fun-filled. Though the end of the month brought a really bad and tumultuous break-up that included lots of surprises and crying and also brought the first time of me getting high. It started the drama of what has now become Eric and I's rollercoaster "relationship". I actually started job hunting with full force and applied to well over 90 jobs....including a job as a substitute para with the school district. I got the job and started the hiring process as well as applied for a substitute teaching license, of which I have but have not yet used. I also moved out of my parents house the day Eric broke up with me...I couldn't handle living at home between not getting along with them and the craziness that was going on in my heart. Also finished and mailed in my nursing school application to CU Denver's School of Nursing.

August - brought birthday number 22. Um, crazy. That's all I have to say about that. I spent the day driving the mountains with my aunt and Tori and then had a small gathering with friends. It started this crazy pursuit by a guy named Philip from our church which I avoided at all costs and as well sparked a period of not wanting any men near me (between the breakup and stalkerish pursuit I didn't want anything to do with any friends....including my guy bestie Cord). I spent the month working for my parents and gearing up to starting being a substitute. After a few weeks of not talking, Eric and I started hanging out again.

September - I took my first sub job as a preschool para at Henderson and funny enough took a second job the following week as a long-term sub in a classroom in the same building....as a preschool para in the classroom I work in right now. Eric and I were hanging out and spent a great weekend doing the FoCo Tour de Phat. I told him my deepest secrets, he told me he loved me, and we were "together" again for a whole week before he started acting weird on me again. Through it all we've always talked and cuddled and kissed. It's a trend through it all. My parents and I started to get along better and started talking on a regular basis again.

October - a bit more of the same between Eric and I, pretty much just a common theme for now. We can't stay away from each other apparently but are perpetually never "together"....simply dating I guess is what you can call it. Still working as a long-term substitute para. Spent Halloween in Fort Collins and watched Eamonn's band perform for the first time. Was pretty rad....other than that, just a bunch of always on-the-go-ness.

November - was asked to apply for full-time position as special ed preschool para. LOVE my kiddos. Was hired and accepted the job :) More of the same with Eric. Started working for my parents doing chenille as the other guy quit. means more $$$ for me!! Thanksgiving goes on....a tad awkward as I was the one who started the family fued during Thanksgiving last year.

December - well here I am. Christmas was wonderful, my family is getting along better. I am working full-time and trying to get into nursing school. I live at my aunts but am trying to find a place to live (don't want to overextend my stay). I get semi-bored but am getting more content with "adult" life as I know I will be somewhere else six months down the road. Eric and I are still the same.

There we go, it's been a crazy crazy crazy year....and that's just a short recap off the top of my head. A lot of partying, drinking, hookah, couple times getting high, sex, love, rock n' roll, emotional turmoil, recklessness, confusion and bad/good decisions on my part. A lot of passion and looking for my place. A lot of faithfulness and impatience all in one. It's been a crazy year, but a memorable one at that. I've grown, I've taken a few steps back, I've gone off the beaten path, rebeled, come back, loved, loved, loved some more, had my heart broken, put my heart on the line, laughed, cried, doubted, hugged, kissed, and danced my way through this year.

Here's to 2009 and looking forward to 2010. It's been quite the year, let's see if I can top it!!!

6-month Evaluation

One of my besties, Britt, and I had coffee the other day.....it's one of our new weekly rituals. I found this "local" coffee shop that's actually in a neighboring town but it's a local cafe owned by four sisters....I'm all about supporting the local economy.

Anywho, I love our weekly coffee dates; we get to catch-up on our lives and also chit-chat about goals and dreams. She's my oldest friend who we've been able to weave in and out of each other's lives to matter what's going on. I know I can tell her any and everything and whether or not we see eye-to-eye we've always been able to support one another.

Our conversation this time turned towards dating like always but then turned towards the future. She made a comment about how drastically our lives have changed in six months.....and if it isn't the truth then strike me dead. Six months ago she was living at home, was only a couple months into a relationship and was contemplating asking me tons of questions about school and what I would recommend. Six months ago I was actually a month into an actual relationship with Eric, had just graduated college, was job searching for all sorts of jobs, and my problems at the time revolved around family.

Time being what it is, has entirely changed both of our lives in so many ways. We've grown in some aspects and wandered off the beaten path in others.

So of course, our thoughts wondered towards the future: where we think our lives will be in six months. What are goals are now as opposed to what they will be at in June.

We decided we're going to write down our goals right now and where we think our lives will be in six months. Then six months down the road we will look back and be able to gawk at what is going on our lives now. It will be a way of looking at the past, present and also looking towards the future.

In six months, this is where I think I will be (as of my thoughts at this current moment):

*Romantically I think I will either be single and not even looking at men or I will happily be in a relationship. Right now I'm the romantic pessimist but everyone thinks I will be in the later. I just have a feeling I will be nowhere in between the two extremes like I am now. I'm going to get burnt out and it's going to go one way or the other.

*I think I'm going to be starting nursing school in six months. Or at least I hope I'm accepted into the program and start right away.....or I get rejected and I go to Regis and they tell me that if I can drop my life right then they can get me in. Either way I see myself back in school in some fashion.

*I will still be working for my parents, will just having finished with working preschool and will decline the position. If I have to work again I will probably go back to subbing.

*I also see myself living at home with my parents again and hopefully this time getting along better.

All-in-all, I see the huge transition period of my life starting to come down off of it's peak. I see it really starting to reach it's peak and start declining once I find out whether I've been accepted into nursing school or not. But only time will tell.

Either way, I feel myself starting to be more at peace with parts of my life. God is slowly, very very slowly, more slowly than I'd like, starting to calm my heart and my nerves.....but nonetheless He's calming them.

I'm getting along much better with my parents and family, I'm getting settled into being an adult much more than I was even a few short months ago, and I'm starting to realize that shortly my life will start seeing at least some sort of balance. I can't even relay just how calming it is to know that God is about to throw me major curveballs....but curveballs that will take me away from the most tumultuous time in my life.

God is faithful.....if we are patient enough to see that faithfulness. That is a huge lesson He has been teaching me through this all. I've been rather impatient but I'm seeing that God works....on His own time....but he works for what's best for us. We just have to be faithful ourselves.

God is beautiful.....that's for sure. And He's loving. And I have NO idea what He's doing in my life, and where my life is headed, but I'm SOOOOO friggin glad He's in control. Honestly I suck at being the driver. I'm a horrible passengar.....I'm sorta like one of those annoying backseat drivers.....but I'm an even more horrible driver.

Six months....I wonder what changes that will bring. With that, I should recap 2009 :)

To Come....

Oh my goodness:

This is a reminder for me to write a few things that I HAVE to get out.

1. A recap of the year
2. Britt and I's evaluations of where we think our lives will be in six months
3. My newest adventures in life

Tout a'leure

The holidays are upon us and it honestly just really doesn't feel like holiday time to me.

We finally got snow for Christmas and I do adore that. It makes it feel a bit more like Christmas but I still feel as though there's something missing from the holidays....only I can't tell you what it is.

Right now I enjoy spending the holidays single and with my family....however I do look forward to the time when I can spend the holidays with a loved one. All in due time I suppose.

Confusion and feeling lost have become staples of my life right now but I've decided I'm not going to let them hold me back. I do encounter setbacks a lot more frequently than I ever want to but I can't let it hold me back or get me down. I do want to do something with my life, only I'm not quite sure what it is. I love my kiddos and I don't know what I'd do without them. But at the same time I feel as though God wants me somewhere else. Only I can't figure out where it is or how to get there. So that's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm actually becoming nervous because I feel as God might have plans for me as far as the other side of the world....but am I strong enough to pick up and go where He wants me to be?!?! That is the real question. Am I brave and strong enough to leave my life, both good and bad here, to go where I need to go?!?!

I'm pretty positive God has destined me to be a world traveler. He didn't put this desire to go halfway across the world for nothing. And I would LOVE to live over in Europe for a time. But am I brave enough to pick up and move and start totally anew and leave my weaknesses and family behind?!

I guess we'll see eventually when I can get my feet under me and figure out what I'm supposed to do.

All I know is I currently have a yearning and something inside me that I need to go somewhere else.....probably even out of this country.....for some amount of time. I need a COMPLETE change of scenery I feel sometimes. A breath of fresh air. And I need adventure and spontaniety and something completely different and life-changing.

Goodness, I talk bigger and dream bigger than I think I'm actually capable of accomplishing.

But with that, I'm gonna go finish my Christmas cards :) Merry Christmas!!!

Wow, it's totally been awhile since I've been able to sit down and express my thoughts. Life has been full of the holidays, working with my kiddos, and working for my parents.

I got hired full-time working at the preschool. YEAH! So far it's been a good thing. I get benefits and I get to work with some of the cutest little kids ever. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself that works to mold and shape little kids, special ed kids nonetheless. Right now it's what gives me purpose. Seeing the progress and working with my little Ethan and Patrick is gives my life some sort of purpose right now. It's cool to know that these kids will never remember who I am.....but I am playing a crucial part in their lives that will have lifelong effects. They both warm my heart every single day that I work. Their smiles are just immeasurable to me, truly and completely. It only affirms that working with children is what I want to do with my life. It just reaffirms that working with children is a passion of mine, a gift that God gave me, something I'm good at, and something I'm meant to do.

I'm getting more and more nervous about getting into nursing school. I need my life to be moving forward, I need something to be happening. I don't necessarily love where I'm at. I'm so very confused and lost in many ways right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My brother Marshall's life is falling into place however. I will be a sister-in-law very shortly, within the next year to two years most likely. He's picking out engagement rings.....and the one he found is beautiful. I like her. I like Jenni, very much. She's beautiful, funny, talented, and so strong in her faith. She's very good for him. But I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I'm partially afraid Jenni will take over a huge portion of my place in my parents hearts. Jenni is the girl my parents wish I could be......I'll never measure up to that. No matter how hard I try. My parents look at her and see an amazing woman.....and I'm pretty positive my parents look at me and see quite a bit of disappointment. But at least my parents can have a daughter they are proud of.

I'm very lost right now. I'm very lost and confused emotionally.

I feel right now like I'm floating through life. I feel like I'm not enough of a person to be loved by someone else, not deserving, and because of it I sort of live my life a tad recklessly. I have no idea what's going on in my life romantically, nor what I want to be going on in my life romantically. I don't know what my future holds in the slightest, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I belong and who really likes being around me.

I'm sure everyone else picks up on this confusion and it repels others but I'm not sure how to combat it.

Oh and to add, my body decided to get bronchitis for the first time ever. I'm not a fan. My body is tired of coughing and is getting absolutely exhausted. Not to mention I'd love to have my voice back.....I sound pretty funny without my normal voice.

Hahahaha.

I have so much I want to get out right now but I also don't know exactly how to express what all I'm feeling. So alas I'll wait until I can express it in words.

Currently reading

The Kite Runner

It really puts into perspective the turmoil and the turbulence that happens in that area of the world. It's distressing. I've had to stop reading the book halfway through much like I had to stop reading A Thousand Splendid Suns halfway through, because I just get so pisses off at how unfair life seems to work out.

But then there's always a story of redemption.

Next on my to-read list is Three Cups of Tea and then after that is a light reading book called My Horizontal Life.

There's been a lot of putting into perspective of my life lately....but it also seems to make me even more restless. I'm doubting have a purpose and questioning what my purpose is. Is it really to love others with my whole heart?! Or am I missing another purpose?!

I emailed The Children's Hospital today to learn how to become a blood donor and then I'm attending a meeting to sign up to become a bone marrow donor. And then I'm volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission on the 18th. I need a purpose to my life, I need something to do. I need to feel worthy and like I'm making a difference.

Right now my life has no meaning, no foundation, no direction.....at least in my opinion. Life is not what I want or need it to be right now. I don't know if it's growing pains, not having enough faith, or simply I'm paying my dues in life. All I know is I can't wait to have a little bit of tranquility and happiness back in my life.

Maybe I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.