I have many stresses on my mind that I am quite good at ignoring.....until they start manifesting physically as they are doing so now with me waking up nauseous many a morning.

I've concluded this: I need to move back out on my own, soon. I am a woman of independence and I need to live with others my age in a setting that is more my lifestyle and not that of middle suburbia.

I've also concluded dating life is wreaking havoc on my mind. I simply am torn when it comes to what I desire and what I my heart naturally wants to do. I desire to be loved like all others but I am naturally prone to guarding my heart as of late.

Either way, I need to get a grip on my stress. God and I have been in constant conversations which is why I think I'm no longer denying a lot of what's going on with me. But it's painful.

Growing pains, gotta love em.

Boudoir

I think it would be absolutely fun to do boudoir photography.....seriously!!!!

I could totally see myself doing it :)

I Hate Taxes

That's all I have to say to that crap.....

Ok I don't mind them....I just hate getting everything together at the end of the year.....PAIN IN THE ASS

Turning a New Wheel

Well the week is almost over and I feel as though it has literally flown by, in good ways and bad.

Having a full-time position sucks in this aspect: I HAVE to go to work everyday for the same amount of time and have no time to do anything but give and give and give to my job. When the evening comes around, I'm completely wore out and find that doing things that I enjoy gets pushed by the wayside.

But of course I'm not gonna let a silly little thing called time get in my way ALL of the time ;) I do try to jampack my evenings full of things to do. And now I'm learning that everything has to have a set amount of time committed to it....albeit I am HORRIBLE at time management currently. I have too many things I want to do and love to do that juggling them is pretty much like juggling razor sharp knives....impossible to do right.

My newest addition back to my life is working out. I started doing the P90X program, though I'm only on day 2. So far I LOVE IT! I am sore and exhausted and wore out but holy I love the burn of working out and knowing I am doing something that will eventually lead to me being in better shape and looking better than I do now.

I'm turning over a new leaf and trying to get back into shape. I'm going to make an effort to cut junk food out of my life, to stop snacking on crappy foods, and to add more water back into my diet. I also need to sleep a little more but I want my body to be healthier, I want to be back in shape.

My biggest obstacle right now is my job. I have a very laborious, energy-intensive job that will hinder this and I'll have to find a balance for awhile between the amount of energy put into both so that I don't completely drop the ball in either area.

But I'm excited....I'm motivated. I'm tired of looking at pictures of me and not liking what I see. I know I'm my hardest and worst critic but I know that I can be happy with my body, more so than now. And I want to be. I'm in the prime of my life. I need to start better patterns that can continue for a lifetime.

So that means being motivated and working out to get my bootay in shape :)

I'm turning a new wheel.....let's hope this wheel keeps on rolling and gains some speed!!!

Are you fab?!?!

Fabulous....it's a word that's thrown around in copious amounts in our society.

"Darling you look fabulous....That dress is fabulous....Denver is fabulous....honey, that's just fabulous...."

I will admit, I sort of have a love/hate relationship with this word. On one hand I associate it with the arrogant snooty celebrity type. That's how I came to hear this word so much at first. And seriously, we all know that celebrities are just a tad ridiculous (in the annoying way) in their own right.

Then on one hand, everytime I tell someone they look fabulous I instantaneously in my head think (in the best Jim Carrey voice I can muster) "Somebody looks FABULOUS!" and then automatically think of Britt my ex-roomie and calling so many things 'fab'. And on that token, I hearts this word.

By the way, the fact that I say "I heart (insert any word here)" is a tad ridiculous but that's an entirely different subject.

Anywho, Dan uses the word fabulous all the time. Why wouldn't he?! He's gay. When you're gay everything is either fabulous or oh-my-god awful....there's not much in between when it comes to first impressions on much. Sorry to stereotype but honestly, just interact with a few gay men and you'll understand this is typically true....much like white people typically flop like fish on the dance floor unless they have had tons of practice shaking their booty.

Dan and I were talking and of course we were talking about fabulous things. Namely how us continuing our friendship after a long hiatus is fabulous and that we in ourselves are fabulous for being able to dream so passionately, live so much in the moment, but also be able to recognize the power and beauty of God. It's a much more complicated conversation that can't really be relayed unless you part of it. Oh well, good enough recap.

But this is our conclusion: life is meant to be lived fabulously. There is no definition to what fabulously looks like however, so that needs to be interpreted in one's own fashion. But to us, life is meant to be lived fabulously.

And here's a few things that to us mean living life fabulously:
*Recognizing that God is beautiful, amazing, and is everywhere. God is everything that is and is not. God simply IS. Oh and not to mention the EXTREME amounts of love that come with God and (for me personally, not so much Dan, who doesn't believe in Jesus) the incredibly beautiful yet unwarranted sacrifice of Jesus to save our souls.
*Living life passionately. I've talked about passion SO much but I can't help it. It's an inate part of my being. This means loving, growing, crying, dreaming, believing, talking, laughing, singing, and working with passion.....with as much energy and enthusiasm as one can muster. God didn't make us to do things without passion and without soul. He made us soulful, feeling people.....let's use that gift!!
*Living a life of love. I LOVE people. I LOVE life. I LOVE God. I LOVE my family. I LOVE music. I LOVE every moment, no matter how much I don't like it. God is love, God shows us love. We were meant to love. And love comes in SO many different forms. I can honestly say I love most everyone in my life. There's a few people I'm sure I could find to exclude from this but I love most everyone for a reason and in a different way. I don't care who you are, where you came from, your beliefs, etc. We were meant to be loved and I enjoy loving those around me for the reasons I love them. I wish more people would recognize the power of love and how love isn't JUST a feeling towards one's family and spouse/partner. It's something you can feel in different ways with everybody!!
*Having a good time. This doesn't mean always going out and drinking or causing hell, though I'm guilty of it. But honestly, I have a great time sitting at home watching a tv series with friends drinking grape juice and snaking on pretzels. Life is meant to be full of memories and cherished great moments. That is just fabulous.
*Being the best we can be and CHASING, RUNNING after our dreams and encouraging everyone else to do the same....no matter how unattainable we think they are. Nothing is possible, never say never. Sure it's not gonna be easy. (In fact, I think I'm a tad nuts thinking I actually might possess any ability to help write a book.) But it's all about the journey and doing something you love and trying to achieve something you look forward to.

ALL OF THAT is living fabulously. And that is what I have decided one of my goals for 2010 is.....to try to live life fabulously.

Now here's the question, are you fabulous?! Do you want to live life fabulously?! And what does living life fabulously look like to you?!

Great, now that you've answered yes to the first question and have defined the others....live a fabulous life!! :-D

Rocky Bottom Tops

Sometimes in life God sends you those little breathes of fresh air, well really big breathes, that come at exactly the right moment in the exact package one needs them. Tonight was one of them. And I couldn't be more amazed at God's perfect timing and awareness of our needs.

Today was a hard day for me.....not literally, it wasn't really that bad. But I found myself being grated on the side of irritation. I then found myself getting pissed off and a little down in the dumps.

In steps a beer date with Ian that we had decided on just a few days ago.

I wouldn't have guessed it would be as momentous as it was.

Sitting and conversing with my old/new friend Ian in a way we never have before was like reopening a part of my soul that has been locked away for the past few months in the craziness of life. I was able to peek into my own soul through him and relinquish truths that I can't normally in my given situation and whereabouts in life.

A few challenges were made, futures were contemplated, philosophies and ideas were discussed, and a penpal match was made.

We are both aspiring writers who are currently giving a huge "eff you" to the world who thinks that this task will be impossible. Who knows?! One day our penpal letters might be organized into some book that will be dubbed literary genius......or rather just a goal set between two kindred souls walking very different yet very oddly similar paths.

Our destinations and journeys are so different yet so intertwined. In steps these people just when you need them. God is there directing.....on cue, right now. Holy mother.

3 amazing things that happened today:
*Dan and I decided to write a book together.
*Ian and I contemplated the possibility of forming a book in a few years based off the pen pal letters we develop in the next few years. Publishers can do what they want with it.
*Ian challenged me to write about scrupulous-ness. One page, front and back in a letter.

I just caught a glimpse of the future. But a glimpse that was nothing like I thought it would be. Where will I be in a few short years?!

This I do know......Ian understands two of the things closest to my heart.....the importance of passion in life, and the beauty of following one's heart. I wonder where us two souls will find ourselves. All I know is this is the beginning of a beautiful journey between two friends whose paths happened to cross at exactly the right moment.

Wash Park Panorama

Trying to find a place to get this printed :) Pretty proud of taking the pics then merging them all together.....first panorama!!!

Happy New Year 2010

I can say I think 2010 is going to be a crazy effing year but it's going to be a great year....it can't be anything less than great....I won't let it :)

Last night I celebrated by doing my hair cute (heck yes to getting my hair to successfully poof for once!), wearing a new outfit that included some of the cutest and most flattering jeans I've ever gotten, a cute colorful shirt, and new black high heels, and then went to a couple good friends parties to hang out.

I started off the evening at Britt's place for her Black & White fancy party, of which I was a sore thumb at. It was great!!! I got to catch up with Britt and Shelly and then spent the rest of my time there smartassing and laughing with my good friend Eamonn. God bless Eamonn is all I have to say. I love his punk ass. Literally. He's a punk rocker, with an orange mohawk, and a passion for pirates, PBR, and Ireland.

I got complimented on my jeans and heels and told that though it was abnormal for me, that I looked very cute. I didn't drink, rather chose to drink punch there as I was driving to Loveland later on. But it was great :)

I then headed to Dan's. Dan is a very very gay friend of mine that I love. We are accepting of each other no matter how different our religious and political views. We love and accept each other as is. Love love friends like that. Anywho, we were the only single two of a total of eight people (the other six being three adorable couples). Kat, her sister Claire, and their cousin Lindsey and their respective boyfriends are there. Kat and Claire are the nieces of Bill Ritter, our governor of Colorado, which I learned last night. Regardless, I love Kat and Dan :)

We had a good time listening to music, looking fabulous, doing a couple shots and drinking a really good spiked fruit punch.

And then the last ten minutes of the year we spent watching the recap of the ball dropping in New York.....and laughing our asses off at various jokes. Then at midnight, Dan, my gay friend, was my midnight kiss.....and man did we bring it in in glorious style :) Then was time for a last drink and bedtime.

Oh how I love cuddling up in my pj's in a bed full of great friends....nothing better :)

It was a great way to bring in my New Year!!!

I also got hugs from all my Britt friends that night which I found was hilarious and wonderful.....lots and lots of Britt's in my life.

My resolution this year: Let God take over the drivers seat in my life and just let things be. God is throwing curveballs and I think I just need to stop being a really bad driver, rather take over the annoying backseat driver position. I need to be strong enough to trust Him with ALL of my life.....so that's what I am working on this year. Letting things be and letting God take the wheel.

2010: Let the craziness begin.

Happy New Year!!!

A Recap of 2009

Here is my recap of 2009....buckle your seatbelts....it's a wild wild ride, especially romantically :)

January - I started off the New Year very quietly at my aunt's (guiltily had to read my own blog to remember what I did last New Year's Eve) and was texting a douche named Vrbas, who decided not to date me because we didn't have chemistry. God works in great ways. I started my month off a little wild also with an impromptu night in Estes Park with Alyssa who continually helps to "corrupt" me haha. I started my last hell-ish semester as a food science and human nutrition major and quickly realized it was going to be one hell of a semester because I wasn't the slightest bit interested in anything I was learning. However, I did take pleasure in seeing my friends every day and enjoyed living with two great girls that I could laugh with until all hours of the night. I also became obsessed with Twilight after Britt cornered me on my bed one night and made me start reading the first book. It took me a mere week and three days to finish all four books while working. I was hooked and it started many emphatic conversations between Shelly and I :)

February - my poor bike was stolen (RIP) and I soon found a new love of riding the bus to school every day as my form of transportation. I soon realized that I am ill equipped for Colorado weather despite having lived here my whole life and cursed myself to the bus stop every single day for not having my bike nor a decent pair of boots to wear. I enjoyed several fun nights out on the town with friends but mainly focused on working a job I was starting to loathe (trying to manage your own peers sucks most of the time, especially when they have no sense of respect) and trying to pay attention in class. For the most part I went to all my classes but one, my last one being my last class of the day which I didn't exactly love going to. I started taking an interest in one of my brothers friends and also traveled to "The Good Life" to watch him play baseball.

March - I had some fun traveling around, fooled around flirting with Marshall's friend and VOILA got my first tattoo :) Spring break was spent working and having fun with friends/family. School was meh and mid-terms came and went. I was doing fairly well. I started gaining a little bit of weight and found a new love for Nike sweatpants and dresses with leggings. I also adored my Northface jacket like none other. It was also around the end of this month that I started talking to Eric and I became intrigued.

April - brought a whole new meaning to the word senioritis and I found it increasingly difficult to....how can I put this....give a rats ass about something I found I clearly had to interest in. My senior presentation was coming up and the only thing that saved me was two group mates who actually had an interest in researching the nutrition side of our topic (Alzheimer's disease and the Mediterranean diet) while I researched the medical side....my specialty. Eric and I started talking more and even had coffee together. I invited him to come to our fancy party in May and he accepted the invitation. However, innocent flirtations on my part started manifesting in something more. April also brought a realization that I was soon to be a college grad and had no idea what I was going to do moving back home.

May - fancy party came and went and Eric and I shared our first kiss and first date. I graduated (FINALLY) although I will admit it was a very weird thing to happen....never thought I'd ever be in college let alone graduating from it. I soon learned that I wish I would have taken more advantage of the opportunities at hand while in college. Shelly and Britt and I shared a great last month together though a very emotional one....read the blog if you want to know just how crazy emotional I was. I moved home and Kevan graduated high school. I confessed to Eric that I was falling in love with him and he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a crazy emotional yet happy time for me.

June - basically just a really fun time of hanging out in Denver with Eric as much as possible and going out on the town. Lots of fun nights and memories. My parents and I started fighting more and more though and old turmoils started coming up. I was used to living on my own and they are used to having rules to abide by. I started job hunting, albeit less than half-hearted as I wanted to enjoy a full month off before I started working again.

July - crazy more memories with Eric. We had a great fourth of July that was fun-filled. Though the end of the month brought a really bad and tumultuous break-up that included lots of surprises and crying and also brought the first time of me getting high. It started the drama of what has now become Eric and I's rollercoaster "relationship". I actually started job hunting with full force and applied to well over 90 jobs....including a job as a substitute para with the school district. I got the job and started the hiring process as well as applied for a substitute teaching license, of which I have but have not yet used. I also moved out of my parents house the day Eric broke up with me...I couldn't handle living at home between not getting along with them and the craziness that was going on in my heart. Also finished and mailed in my nursing school application to CU Denver's School of Nursing.

August - brought birthday number 22. Um, crazy. That's all I have to say about that. I spent the day driving the mountains with my aunt and Tori and then had a small gathering with friends. It started this crazy pursuit by a guy named Philip from our church which I avoided at all costs and as well sparked a period of not wanting any men near me (between the breakup and stalkerish pursuit I didn't want anything to do with any friends....including my guy bestie Cord). I spent the month working for my parents and gearing up to starting being a substitute. After a few weeks of not talking, Eric and I started hanging out again.

September - I took my first sub job as a preschool para at Henderson and funny enough took a second job the following week as a long-term sub in a classroom in the same building....as a preschool para in the classroom I work in right now. Eric and I were hanging out and spent a great weekend doing the FoCo Tour de Phat. I told him my deepest secrets, he told me he loved me, and we were "together" again for a whole week before he started acting weird on me again. Through it all we've always talked and cuddled and kissed. It's a trend through it all. My parents and I started to get along better and started talking on a regular basis again.

October - a bit more of the same between Eric and I, pretty much just a common theme for now. We can't stay away from each other apparently but are perpetually never "together"....simply dating I guess is what you can call it. Still working as a long-term substitute para. Spent Halloween in Fort Collins and watched Eamonn's band perform for the first time. Was pretty rad....other than that, just a bunch of always on-the-go-ness.

November - was asked to apply for full-time position as special ed preschool para. LOVE my kiddos. Was hired and accepted the job :) More of the same with Eric. Started working for my parents doing chenille as the other guy quit. means more $$$ for me!! Thanksgiving goes on....a tad awkward as I was the one who started the family fued during Thanksgiving last year.

December - well here I am. Christmas was wonderful, my family is getting along better. I am working full-time and trying to get into nursing school. I live at my aunts but am trying to find a place to live (don't want to overextend my stay). I get semi-bored but am getting more content with "adult" life as I know I will be somewhere else six months down the road. Eric and I are still the same.

There we go, it's been a crazy crazy crazy year....and that's just a short recap off the top of my head. A lot of partying, drinking, hookah, couple times getting high, sex, love, rock n' roll, emotional turmoil, recklessness, confusion and bad/good decisions on my part. A lot of passion and looking for my place. A lot of faithfulness and impatience all in one. It's been a crazy year, but a memorable one at that. I've grown, I've taken a few steps back, I've gone off the beaten path, rebeled, come back, loved, loved, loved some more, had my heart broken, put my heart on the line, laughed, cried, doubted, hugged, kissed, and danced my way through this year.

Here's to 2009 and looking forward to 2010. It's been quite the year, let's see if I can top it!!!

6-month Evaluation

One of my besties, Britt, and I had coffee the other day.....it's one of our new weekly rituals. I found this "local" coffee shop that's actually in a neighboring town but it's a local cafe owned by four sisters....I'm all about supporting the local economy.

Anywho, I love our weekly coffee dates; we get to catch-up on our lives and also chit-chat about goals and dreams. She's my oldest friend who we've been able to weave in and out of each other's lives to matter what's going on. I know I can tell her any and everything and whether or not we see eye-to-eye we've always been able to support one another.

Our conversation this time turned towards dating like always but then turned towards the future. She made a comment about how drastically our lives have changed in six months.....and if it isn't the truth then strike me dead. Six months ago she was living at home, was only a couple months into a relationship and was contemplating asking me tons of questions about school and what I would recommend. Six months ago I was actually a month into an actual relationship with Eric, had just graduated college, was job searching for all sorts of jobs, and my problems at the time revolved around family.

Time being what it is, has entirely changed both of our lives in so many ways. We've grown in some aspects and wandered off the beaten path in others.

So of course, our thoughts wondered towards the future: where we think our lives will be in six months. What are goals are now as opposed to what they will be at in June.

We decided we're going to write down our goals right now and where we think our lives will be in six months. Then six months down the road we will look back and be able to gawk at what is going on our lives now. It will be a way of looking at the past, present and also looking towards the future.

In six months, this is where I think I will be (as of my thoughts at this current moment):

*Romantically I think I will either be single and not even looking at men or I will happily be in a relationship. Right now I'm the romantic pessimist but everyone thinks I will be in the later. I just have a feeling I will be nowhere in between the two extremes like I am now. I'm going to get burnt out and it's going to go one way or the other.

*I think I'm going to be starting nursing school in six months. Or at least I hope I'm accepted into the program and start right away.....or I get rejected and I go to Regis and they tell me that if I can drop my life right then they can get me in. Either way I see myself back in school in some fashion.

*I will still be working for my parents, will just having finished with working preschool and will decline the position. If I have to work again I will probably go back to subbing.

*I also see myself living at home with my parents again and hopefully this time getting along better.

All-in-all, I see the huge transition period of my life starting to come down off of it's peak. I see it really starting to reach it's peak and start declining once I find out whether I've been accepted into nursing school or not. But only time will tell.

Either way, I feel myself starting to be more at peace with parts of my life. God is slowly, very very slowly, more slowly than I'd like, starting to calm my heart and my nerves.....but nonetheless He's calming them.

I'm getting along much better with my parents and family, I'm getting settled into being an adult much more than I was even a few short months ago, and I'm starting to realize that shortly my life will start seeing at least some sort of balance. I can't even relay just how calming it is to know that God is about to throw me major curveballs....but curveballs that will take me away from the most tumultuous time in my life.

God is faithful.....if we are patient enough to see that faithfulness. That is a huge lesson He has been teaching me through this all. I've been rather impatient but I'm seeing that God works....on His own time....but he works for what's best for us. We just have to be faithful ourselves.

God is beautiful.....that's for sure. And He's loving. And I have NO idea what He's doing in my life, and where my life is headed, but I'm SOOOOO friggin glad He's in control. Honestly I suck at being the driver. I'm a horrible passengar.....I'm sorta like one of those annoying backseat drivers.....but I'm an even more horrible driver.

Six months....I wonder what changes that will bring. With that, I should recap 2009 :)

To Come....

Oh my goodness:

This is a reminder for me to write a few things that I HAVE to get out.

1. A recap of the year
2. Britt and I's evaluations of where we think our lives will be in six months
3. My newest adventures in life

Tout a'leure

The holidays are upon us and it honestly just really doesn't feel like holiday time to me.

We finally got snow for Christmas and I do adore that. It makes it feel a bit more like Christmas but I still feel as though there's something missing from the holidays....only I can't tell you what it is.

Right now I enjoy spending the holidays single and with my family....however I do look forward to the time when I can spend the holidays with a loved one. All in due time I suppose.

Confusion and feeling lost have become staples of my life right now but I've decided I'm not going to let them hold me back. I do encounter setbacks a lot more frequently than I ever want to but I can't let it hold me back or get me down. I do want to do something with my life, only I'm not quite sure what it is. I love my kiddos and I don't know what I'd do without them. But at the same time I feel as though God wants me somewhere else. Only I can't figure out where it is or how to get there. So that's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm actually becoming nervous because I feel as God might have plans for me as far as the other side of the world....but am I strong enough to pick up and go where He wants me to be?!?! That is the real question. Am I brave and strong enough to leave my life, both good and bad here, to go where I need to go?!?!

I'm pretty positive God has destined me to be a world traveler. He didn't put this desire to go halfway across the world for nothing. And I would LOVE to live over in Europe for a time. But am I brave enough to pick up and move and start totally anew and leave my weaknesses and family behind?!

I guess we'll see eventually when I can get my feet under me and figure out what I'm supposed to do.

All I know is I currently have a yearning and something inside me that I need to go somewhere else.....probably even out of this country.....for some amount of time. I need a COMPLETE change of scenery I feel sometimes. A breath of fresh air. And I need adventure and spontaniety and something completely different and life-changing.

Goodness, I talk bigger and dream bigger than I think I'm actually capable of accomplishing.

But with that, I'm gonna go finish my Christmas cards :) Merry Christmas!!!

Wow, it's totally been awhile since I've been able to sit down and express my thoughts. Life has been full of the holidays, working with my kiddos, and working for my parents.

I got hired full-time working at the preschool. YEAH! So far it's been a good thing. I get benefits and I get to work with some of the cutest little kids ever. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself that works to mold and shape little kids, special ed kids nonetheless. Right now it's what gives me purpose. Seeing the progress and working with my little Ethan and Patrick is gives my life some sort of purpose right now. It's cool to know that these kids will never remember who I am.....but I am playing a crucial part in their lives that will have lifelong effects. They both warm my heart every single day that I work. Their smiles are just immeasurable to me, truly and completely. It only affirms that working with children is what I want to do with my life. It just reaffirms that working with children is a passion of mine, a gift that God gave me, something I'm good at, and something I'm meant to do.

I'm getting more and more nervous about getting into nursing school. I need my life to be moving forward, I need something to be happening. I don't necessarily love where I'm at. I'm so very confused and lost in many ways right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My brother Marshall's life is falling into place however. I will be a sister-in-law very shortly, within the next year to two years most likely. He's picking out engagement rings.....and the one he found is beautiful. I like her. I like Jenni, very much. She's beautiful, funny, talented, and so strong in her faith. She's very good for him. But I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I'm partially afraid Jenni will take over a huge portion of my place in my parents hearts. Jenni is the girl my parents wish I could be......I'll never measure up to that. No matter how hard I try. My parents look at her and see an amazing woman.....and I'm pretty positive my parents look at me and see quite a bit of disappointment. But at least my parents can have a daughter they are proud of.

I'm very lost right now. I'm very lost and confused emotionally.

I feel right now like I'm floating through life. I feel like I'm not enough of a person to be loved by someone else, not deserving, and because of it I sort of live my life a tad recklessly. I have no idea what's going on in my life romantically, nor what I want to be going on in my life romantically. I don't know what my future holds in the slightest, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I belong and who really likes being around me.

I'm sure everyone else picks up on this confusion and it repels others but I'm not sure how to combat it.

Oh and to add, my body decided to get bronchitis for the first time ever. I'm not a fan. My body is tired of coughing and is getting absolutely exhausted. Not to mention I'd love to have my voice back.....I sound pretty funny without my normal voice.

Hahahaha.

I have so much I want to get out right now but I also don't know exactly how to express what all I'm feeling. So alas I'll wait until I can express it in words.

Currently reading

The Kite Runner

It really puts into perspective the turmoil and the turbulence that happens in that area of the world. It's distressing. I've had to stop reading the book halfway through much like I had to stop reading A Thousand Splendid Suns halfway through, because I just get so pisses off at how unfair life seems to work out.

But then there's always a story of redemption.

Next on my to-read list is Three Cups of Tea and then after that is a light reading book called My Horizontal Life.

There's been a lot of putting into perspective of my life lately....but it also seems to make me even more restless. I'm doubting have a purpose and questioning what my purpose is. Is it really to love others with my whole heart?! Or am I missing another purpose?!

I emailed The Children's Hospital today to learn how to become a blood donor and then I'm attending a meeting to sign up to become a bone marrow donor. And then I'm volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission on the 18th. I need a purpose to my life, I need something to do. I need to feel worthy and like I'm making a difference.

Right now my life has no meaning, no foundation, no direction.....at least in my opinion. Life is not what I want or need it to be right now. I don't know if it's growing pains, not having enough faith, or simply I'm paying my dues in life. All I know is I can't wait to have a little bit of tranquility and happiness back in my life.

Maybe I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

Making A Difference

The entire reason we are alive is to make a difference of some sort. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of this when we get to wrapped up in ourselves.

But I do have to say making a difference, in even the smallest way, is one of the greatest feelings ever that can leave one so incredily marked in a good way.

Working with Ethan these past few days have been amazing. I only get to work with him for three hours, four days a week, but that week it meant nine hours of me being one-on-one with him.

Ethan is in wheelchair bound and "non-verbal". He eats out of a feeding tube though he can chew and swallow and though he is four years old still wears diapers.

Cerebral palsy is hard to explain. It's like autism in that it encompasses a wide range of muscle problems and is caused by such a huge array of things that it's hard to explain but it affects the muscles and is caused by impairments in the brain via the nerves.

But Ethan is amazing to work with. He can't talk but he's so smart, when he gives choices. And he "talks" to us, he "talks" to me. He uses it via his eyes and his smiles. If something is a yes or desired, guess what.....there's an amazingly huge smile bestowed upon you. If it's a no or not desired, then no smile!!

On tuesday I got to start working with him one-on-one when Diane wasn't there and I had no choice but to learn hands-on how to exactly lift him and transfer him and change him, etc.

Since then I love working with him. I love being the one who gets to help him express.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving feast in which the kids got to help us "cook" some corn, instant mashed taters and instant gravy and then we made turkey & cheese kabobs with lunch meat and cheese. We had sparkling cider and store-bought cornbread and I baked a couple pumpkin pies.

On tuesday Ethan worked his heart out wanting to stand all day long (which is quite the exercise for him) and then also playing catch with a soft OT ball for him. On Wednesday he had OT with Mrs. Jenn who made him walk all the way down the hall and he played catch. So needless to say on Thursday he was really tired. It was very apparent that he was exhausted as he didn't have a desire to really stand at all and his little face just looked so worn out.

So it didn't surprise me when he told me through giving him choices that he wanted to sit. However, he was VERY adament that he wanted to sit either in my lap or in the chairs like the other kids and NOT in his wheelchair. His little eyes basically frowned at the picture of the wheelchair when I gave him that choice. So I sat behind him and held him like a seatbelt in the chair so he could eat with the other kids and participate in the activities or in my lap if we were down on the floor. He loved it!!! It made him so happy to sit with the other kids for the first time since I've been there rather than in his wheelchair. He loved being able to have that option!!!

But honestly, the whole point of me pouring this out is coming up. Before snack time or eating in this case, we always have to wash our hands. Because Mrs. Diane was usually with him and Kendall and myself and the other para were busy with our other 15 students, he usually stayed in his wheelchair and he never went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Basically it was because I'm not as good at the routine of everything like the others are so if Mrs. Diane or Mrs. Kendall was with him, they were still needed to help as we have 15 very energetic kids with their own issues. But as I (the least routinely-adapted one) was with him, I found I wasn't really needed too much as they are able to handle it. So I decided to start making it my goal to helping Ethan to do whatever the other kids are, because it's apparent that he wants to be normal just like them. So I suggested to Kendall that we put some soap in his hands and I would carry him to the bathroom and support him while the other para helped to rinse his hands in the sink. So we did it!!

And the excitement on Ethan's hands from being able to wash his hands like his classmates was the best part of my entire day yesterday!!! I got to make him so happy by simply helping him to wash his hands like the other kids. I did a simple act but made such a huge difference in his life yesterday by simply sacrificing myself to help him wash his hands and then sit in a chair like the other kids.

It was great to do such a small simple selfless thing that can really make such a huge difference in someone else's day.

That's the point of life and what I love to live for, helping others to make a difference in their life :)

Not to mention his little smile is so incredibly worth it!!

Perspective

The past couple days have been long, hard, exhausting.....yet so completely rewarding. I think it's been a lot about some mindset. But also about what's been going on.

I have huge qualms with my life but I also am able to see the blessings and beauty all the time. I just choose to vent about the negative a lot. But seriously there is beauty in every single day that I enjoy!!

Sunday was my day "off" though I spent six hours still at work helping to digitize chenelle for my parents. But before then I went to Michael's to get the stuff to work on the birthday present for Britt, which basically set me up to start my week off well with getting to do something creative. Then I got to "create" while digitizing, though it's not anything creative in my opinion.

But yesterday, I just woke up in a great mood. I went into work smiling and singing and it set me up for a great day with my kids. My days are not without hardships. Our afternoon class especially is just extremely hard and exhausting between the sheer amount of needs coming from 16 kids who have special needs of varying extremes and the amount of energy these particular 16 children possess. However, Diane, Kendall and I are now becoming a more well-oiled machine and it makes the day manageable. We laugh and joke and have figured out our own little dance of working together. We sitll face kinks and whatnot but it makes work enjoyable.

I've also found keeping a steady supply of caffeine (via coffee, espresso, or soda) seems to help sufficiently.

And then today Diane had to take her mom to the hospital. So her position had a sub and then our afternoon para is a new hire. We have two kids who require absolute one-on-one at all times. Ethan has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair-bound, nonverbal and Maddy is a three-year-old who functions at the level of an eleven-month-old. (Did I mention she doesn't take to strangers at all meaning she has to work with either Kendall myself or Diane) And this week Maddy is being a turkey and only wants to listen to Kendall. But because of all the logistics I worked with Ethan today as only Kendall and myself are trained on how to move and hold Ethan and Kendall needed to lead the class.

It was my first day of really handling Ethan as far as holding him for longer amounts of time, carrying him, changing him, etc. And today was one of his strong days for his muscles, and one of the days that he just really wanted to stand.....requiring extra amounts of physical strength than normal from any caregiver working with him. It was a good day but exhausting. Yet so completely rewarding. This little human being was reliant upon me for everything and I felt I had to be on my A-game the whole day but he was so content and so happy and did so well with the speech therapist and even though at first I was unsure and uncomfortable with handling him, being thrown in allowed me the chance to get comfortable and learn what works for me. It was challenging!! And I enjoyed that :)

And my phlebotomy class is going well :) I mean I don't feel confident to poke anyone without a preceptor watching me but I enjoy it, it's challenging, and I'm learning and I'm pretty good at what I've done so far (even though I've hit a few glitches). It just feels good to be challenged.

Life is about perspective. I've been bitching and moaning but there is so much beauty to my life even though it's not going the way I want it to. I have so many blessings I need to be thankful for and I can find so many rewards if I just look aorund.

Did I mention my favorite kid Patrick is learning how to hug (sounds like something you would normally know how to do but he's having to learn it) and today he came up to me while I was down at his level, said hi, put his head on my chest and his arms on my arms.....that's the closest I've come to a full hug from him and it felt wonderful. I live for those little moments right now.

They might be the most effective form of birth control ever but it doesn't mean they don't still all hold a special place in my heart!! Love love love those kids.

I just need a little bit of perspective every once in awhile :)

My Truth About Marriage

Britt and I had a wonderful conversation last Sunday over coffee and I again had a similar conversation about marriage with a co-worker wednesday during lunch.

My truth about marriage: I'm not close to being ready for it.

But let me explain that. I'm ready for my life. I'm ready for anything God throws my way. I am ready for children and marriage in terms of I can tackle the responsibility and I will make an amazing mother and wife in terms that I will love being both unconditional.

But marriage and having children sorta scares me. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to settle down and embark on that adventure, because I feel like I have so many other adventures that need to be had first.

My mom said that when the right one comes along my mind will change, but I feel like if the right one comes along they will understand that I'm not ready to be married within the next year of my life.

There's just too much up in the air and too much transition going on at the moment for me to picture myself at that point.

But it's odd. Everyone around my age seems to be settling down. I love it and support it and envy it at times, if it's what's in their best interest. But at the same time I can't imagine myself being married.

Eric and I were talking semi sorta about it the other day and he was joking around about me not being ready for marriage in one sense and he asked me this question: what would you do if I asked you to marry me?!

Honestly here's what popped into my head. My first thought was that I would be absolutely shocked and astonished as the Eric and I are not even boyfriend/girlfriend. We are dating but without the title of dating. I think we consider ourselves sorta single but sorta committed to each other. But Eric, who is afraid of love and commitment, wow that would honestly shock the hell out of me and be one of the most unexpected things I could imagine.
My second thought was that it freaks me out that I can actually see myself marrying him. Not anytime soon. But whenever anyone has talked about marriage I have never been able to picture it. Even after being with Scott for two years, when I thought of my wedding day I could never ever picture Scott at the alter. I couldn't picture my wedding day in fact. For the first time, I can picture having a wedding day (it's a very hazy picture....we'll put it that way, since it's a very new thought) and I can actually see Eric standing at the alter. Um okay, yeah that freaks the hell out of me that for once I can picture that. It freaks me out that I know I care about him enough that I can see that, because I'm not sure if he cares about me in the same way or not. And it freaks me out that I can actually picture myself getting married. It's a very new development in my life.
The last thought was that while I would be so thrilled and so honored, I would have to tell him that until I can get more of my life on more "solid" foundation, I can't tell him yes no matter how much I would want to.

It just dawns on me that right now, no matter how much I long to love and be loved in return in a romantic way, whoever it was that loved me enough to want to marry me would have to understand I am simply just not ready. And I think it's a good thing that I know I'm not ready.

I'm not even living in my own place stable enough to support myself consistently. I wouldn't want to get married and have someone else support me. I want to know that I am sufficient at taking care of myself first.

I support marriage for anyone my age who is ready for it. In all honesty, I'm in awe because I feel like they possess some sort of foundation or stability that I don't but at the same time I'm not envious.

I am ready to commit myself to someone if the I feel it is the person I am supposed to, just not in a legally forever binding sort of manner.

I also realized just how important marriage is to me. I've always known that marriage is an absolutely huge step for me. I believe in a forever sort of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want to ever put myself, my family nor my future (still undecided about) children through that sort of trauma. Marriage is a one-time sort of deal for me. It's sacred and holy, and once I'm married that's it. That's the person I devote myself to forever.

That's another thing I've become very comforted about lately as well. I was thinking about this last week. On one hand it really bugs me that Eric and I date but we aren't dating. He's not my boyfriend, I'm not his girlfriend. Yet we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do other than the commitment and some obligations of being that for each other. But on the other hand I got to thinking, we aren't labeled sure, which makes me uneasy with how I know I feel about him. But on the other hand we are committed to each other. We only date each other, only make love to each other, and seek out each other's company. It sounds silly but I love that he texts me about his car whenever a new thing is going on with it. He loves his car. So naturally I love that he gets excited to tell me about it. It's sort of a man's odd way of showing that he cares about you....he includes you in the things that he likes. And I like to think that he likes to hear about whatever it is I'm interested in. In a very odd way, we are committed in one way to each other, in an unspoken way that as long as we are "talking" that no one else is being included in the picture.

He did tell me the other night I can "keep" him.

I think he's coming around. I think his heart is slowly mending.

Even if we don't end up together, as long as he learns that it's ok to love and can love someone else one day, then it's all worth it.

Yes I am crazy, trust me my friends remind me of it every day but what the hell, I'm a crazy sort of person that really sees something in Eric. It beats the hell out of me sometimes but there's something there. I just keep giving him chances.

Anywho, that's my truth about marriage currently.

Much respect to those that are ready to get married and have kids, you possess something I currently doing. I think it's commonly referred to as a biological clock. Does that mean I don't have one or simply mine is currently on pause?!

Newest project

I went to the store and got an unfinished photo frame and wood cutouts to make a photo frame for my bestie Britt for her birthday coming up. I also got some acrylic paint on clearance and have been sitting here working on the photo frame.

I love it!! I get to mix one love of photography with my love of creating things....it feels really good to me right now. Just very refreshing and very calming for me right now.

I know it's not a huge thing but to me it's very therapeutic and something that allows me to express myself in one way.

I think it's going to lead to other creative projects....just a feeling.

Oh and I bought stuff to start making Christmas cards!!! Seriously, I got just a little too excited :)

Truth: It's the littlest things that make me happy.

I got new tires on my car and now it doesn't wobble. Really, it doesn't wobble, it rides smooth!! She feels smooth as a baby's bottom and it's been the first time in a very long time.

I got five sticks in phlebotomy class on thursday and I got them all. Got them all easily, which felt good after missing all three times the evening before. Then again I did have a very hard guy to draw from. But still, it shook my confidence pretty badly.

I have a few new books that I checked out from the library and I can't wait to read them. I have two of the postsecret books, The Kite Runner and Three Cups of Tea. I love getting lost in books every once in awhile, escaping my mind.

Truth: I worked nine hours yesterday without interacting with children and it was a great change. I seriously worked the whole day but it felt good. It was a good change of pace and I got SO much accomplished!!

Today I have a ton of errands to run but I think I'm also going to take some "me" time and go wander around a little bit and be by myself. I think I need it. Without working, without obligations, without errands. Just a little bit of me time.

I want to get out and explore but it's freezing outside. The only downfall to winter. I hate being cold.

Oh well, I'll go get some hot cocoa and then after that I have no idea what I'll do.

Secret: I took the afternoon off of work today because I'm getting so burnt out.

Working two jobs and taking this phlebotomy class is turning out to eat up ALL my time....I don't know how I could do this much longer than 2 1/2 months. It's craziness. But I need the extra money and I need the base money and I need to be doing something or otherwise I'd totally be hating where I'm at with life.

I wish someone would have told me just how hard and un-content I would be the year after college. Seriously, I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at all. I'm not in a place that feels comfortable, nor familiar. And honestly, I don't WANT to be here.

Where are all the goofy, motivated, driven, passionate people I interacted with?! Oh yeah, they are all still at CSU or in another place with people who are like that. Me, I'm in Brighton. I COULD move away but I don't feel I have enough of a foundation to do that quite yet. I just want out of here though. Now I realize why I left. This place has no opportunities for me nor anything that I like, want or care about.

Secret: The only reason I'm going to take my job full-time is I totally need the great health benefits stat. I NEED to go to the dentist, I NEED to get my eyes checked and new glasses, I NEED to get my perscription birth control. I can't afford to not have it currently. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year, haven't had my glasses perscription changed in three years, and am not on birth control right now because I simply can't afford to pay for any of it without awesome health insurance. I have crappy health insurance right now but can't really do anything with it.

I love the kids but I'm already getting burnt out. It doesn't hold the passion or excitement I so desperately need right now. It's just a means to an end and it reminds me why I didn't just settle for sucking it up and staying in Colorado Springs to finish my nursing degree. I'm miserable here. I don't know how to function in a place with people I can't really relate to who don't have the same outlook on life as me.

I need some excitement in my life. Not bad excitement, healthy excitement. Like a friend who will take to learning to hit the slopes with me, who I can live with and who also believes in recycling. I need someone who enjoys getting lost in a bookstore as much as I do and staying up until 2am dancing and rocking out in the kitchen full-throttle. I need someone who can go shopping with me and encourages me to get the craziest thing in the store and rock it with my inner confidence I'm always able to pull up for things like that. I want someone who can laugh and joke with me, and who I can come through the door complaining to high heaven and they run to get the goldfish and citrus drop to listen to my rant, and then tell me how dumb I'm being but how I can do this or that to move forward.

I had all of that last year and it's gone. All of it. My entire comfort and place in life that I had finally found has been stripped away little by little and I absolutely hate it. I know I have to move forward but last year I finally in 21 years found my place in life, a place I was comfortable and understood. I want that back. I feel really naked and lost without it.

Ok enough grumbling.

Truth: I want to go on an adventure, who wants to go with me and where will we go?!