The Color Run

My friend J has this wonderful wife named Tricia.

Tricia asked if I wanted to do a 5k.

I hate running. I'm not good at it, I never do it. Ick. Running not for me. However, I enjoy 5k's for the fun times and charities they benefit. Hence why I've done several. Let me clarify that I normally walk these 5k's with others!

Welp, Tricia and her friends are runners. I'm not. But when she told me about the Color Run, I just COULD NOT pass it up.

The premise: a 5k to benefit The Childrens Hospital (well at least the one in Denver benefits The Childrens Hospital). The catch: you start off in a white tee and during the "race" they throw color on you!

HELL YEAH, sign me up! I get to get dirty and turn into a rainbow. I'll take it :-)

Needless to say it was a blasty blast! Lots of color, lots of cheer, lots of super nice folks doing the run. And let's not forget we were one bright hot mess when done. Woot woot! I will also admit that I'm super proud because I actually ran half of it. That's pretty impressive for yours truly!!

A few pics of course displaying the awesomeness of the festivities.

Spontaneity. Adventure.

I miss those two! So bad. Seriously.

There's nothing like a spontaneous adventure, especially because they throw you outside your comfort zone, caution (mostly) to the wind. When did I stop doing that?!

Anywho.

Crested Butte. A handsome fella. A truck. Two days. That was my latest adventure.

Yeah yeah. It's not like I white-water rafted down the Grand Canyon or climbed Mount Everest on a whim but baby steps y'all.

Of course, my camera was with me and I kept forgetting to get it out. (Remember the whole passion thing...I'm having to consciously remember my camera...I forgot how much I loved being behind the damn thing! Sad day).

So alas, all I have is a few iPhone pics. So lame I know. But here was my fav. What a wonderful view :-)

Normally this is where I would mention going back to the grind of nursing school. Which I am. But I'm also doing a few things this summer to keep some balance.

So when my bestie and her bf put pics on fb of some tickets to go see The Avett Brothers at Red Rocks I followed suite to go with them :-)

Good beer. Great friends. Rad music. Recipe for success :-)

Alright blog world, it is time for bed. See ya on the flip side!

Far from what I once was....

"Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be..."

Sometimes when I finally stop to take a moment at where I'm at, I look back and am amazed at what's behind me and where I am. Sometimes that amazement is a good thing and other times it leaves a heaviness in my heart.

Both can accurately be said when I stop and look back at several steps behind me. When I look back to a couple years ago, I'm amazed at where I am and who I have become. There have been some huge hurdles and tribulations to say the least. Events that I never imagined would happen to me have left me stunned and weakened, and blessings I couldn't fathom have blossomed from piles of ruins. Lessons have been learned, my heart has been shattered, and I am all the stronger for it. On the other hand, I look back with sadness at those times because of the "jaded scars" they have left behind on my soul.

When I look back to a year ago, I feel triumphant (and scared) that I am finally chasing dreams. Goals are no longer being talked about, they are IN THE MAKING! For awhile I doubted I would ever actually be doing and not just talking about. I also feel sadness as the amount of hope and faith I had at that time was so strong, stronger than it is now oddly enough (I hate admitting that).

When I look back to right before I started this program, I look back in longing. I have been headed down a slow path of losing sights of small bits and pieces of myself.

Little did I know that in chasing my dream of becoming a nurse, sacrifices of my heart and identity would have to be made.

"It's a means to an end" my mother has always said and I've always hated that quote. Because when one believes in that line, one can also dangerously fall into a trap of always being in the mean, searching for the end, and can sacrifice the journey and happiness of that journey along the way.

Nursing school has been intense. I think the accelerated program was a great choice, and horrible all at the same time. One year folks. That's not that long right?! 15 weeks. Meh that's nothing right?! Wrong. That's the amount of time it took me for finally dive into losing a good grip of balance and of my identity. That 15 weeks of pure sacrifice, where nothing but nursing school was all that existed, were enough to throw me into a tailspin. One I'm finally just realizing that I've been in.

What makes me tick?! What makes me thrive?! Social interaction. Though I might be a little shy at times, and a tidge socially awkward, I thrive on relationship. I thrive on positivity, humor, happiness, welcoming souls. I find so much beauty in this world, and in the small things. The joy and hope and faith that can be found were so vital to me. Love, the most important of all. Kindness.

I found that when I left working with my preschoolers to dive into the "real world" and working at Denver Health I left behind a huge part of myself. You see, kids just naturally are so vibrant and joyful. It's time and heartaches that jade that away from people. Naturally adults are lackluster in these arenas, a great majority of the time.

That's ok though. Your attitude is what makes an experience. Usually. So I threw my heart and soul, and dug from the depths, and made work a great place to be. Because gosh darnit! If you can make others laugh and smile, and really care about them, it comes back to you. Though I admittedly found I have not been fed into in the same equalities I give to others.

One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is my caregivers heart and always giving of myself to others. It's a weakness when my own well is not being given into.

Nursing school only intensified that. Thrown into an intense program that is so rigid and serious and all-consuming, with people who know very little about me, and unable to form very many deep quality relationships, I found that after awhile, not being able to do the things I enjoy or are my respite became a huge sacrifice.

Now here I sit. After two weeks of giving nursing school the middle finger and socializing with friends, family, and throwing myself back into my "life", I find myself realizing that I dived off the deep end of sacrifice and it left me feeling so empty.

I'm still mad. Super mad actually that I'm only halfway done with a program that consumes all my energy and time. I want to be OUT in the world, with friends, experiencing life! Sure my dream of becoming a nurse is important and is my passion (that after one awful clinical experience I am relearning all the reasons I wanted to be a nurse again), it's not everything.

There are much more important things! God, family, friends, relationships, happiness, love. Being a nurse won't define me, rather it will be an outward extension of part of my heart. I think I'm just mad right now that it's being made to define me. This year is defined as "the year of nursing school". Ick.

With that being said, I'm doing a lot of soul searching. I'm reigniting and relearning what it is that's deep inside me, what makes me who I am, and what makes me tick. Funny I was able to forget that huh?!

Here's what I've discovered.

My relationship with God is so important and needs more focus. Faith is something I need to start working on again. I had SO much faith, where did it go?! I'm quickly remembering how much faith my kiddos had in me, when did I lose faith in my God? And losing that faith has translated into a lot of doubt of myself.

Relationships. God I love relationship with others. What the hell is the point in living if you don't have people you love and care about and that know you beside you?! Here's to remembering to spend quality time with those that have gone by the wayside.

Passion, happiness, optimism, joy. I lost a lot of those and I definitely feel it. I could find joy in anything, and while I still do, it's not the same degree or intensity. Damnit, I want my emotions to be all-consuming and intense again!

Humor. It's just way too damn important to laugh your way through life. Really there's just no other way. Not to mention those who are happy and laugh live longer :-)

Love. This is such a deep area. I shut myself off to loving others, romantically. One blind date later and I realized just how much I had shut myself off to that. While I've always believed in fairy tales and true love and "happily ever after", I literally doubted God would even want or plan that for my life and in doing so, also shut myself off from taking risks. Risks that I used to take willy nilly! How can I possibly find love if I don't take risks. Duh. I might get hurt. We lose 100% of the risks we don't take. So here's to taking risks again! (Slowly and more mindfully of course).
And I will freely admit, I'm a sucker for romance. I might put on a tough bravado but romance...have always fantasized about being "swept off my feet". Well here's to hoping it might actually one day happen ;-)

So here's to me. I'm far from who I used to be, in both good ways and bad. I'm not yet who I'm going to be, and that's ok. But here's to strapping on my boots, realizing that this is just another part of the beautiful journey that God has laid out before me, and I'm stepping forward. While this is probably the gazillionth time God has thrown this lesson my way, I'm still gonna take it as a learning experience, that I might eventually peg down! So here's back to getting to myself, and to rediscovering myself, and rediscovering the beautiful parts of life, even with the bad and ugly.

Gosh it feels good to take a deep breath again and leap. 

Vulnerability

Vulnerable.

That's really how I feel right now. A few years ago, vulnerable wouldn't necessarily make me sit down and reflect. That was sort of just part of my inner wiring. Very vulnerable to others, vulnerable to the world, a lot of guards down. Now I sit here a little unused to being so vulnerable as I was before, and when that feeling hits, it causes me to pause for a second.

My vivacious mother, whom I love to death, decided to set me up on a blind date.

Ok let's backtrack for a second here. After my very tumultuous relationship with Britton, followed by a horrible dating experience dating last summer, I have turned my head the other way on dating. For several reasons in fact. For one I just got plain ol tired of always being hurt, taken advantage of, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with a draining relationship/dating experience. For two, my life was starting to rear up in a direction I had been working towards for a very long time. I went from struggling week-to-week financially to obtaining a job at DH I loved, but that took me away from social circles (it's kinda hard to keep a social calendar with friends when you work weekend nights). Then I got accepted into Regis and I started gearing up for the accelerated program. I had to finish a couple classes, get a ton of paperwork started, worked my ass off to try to get my prereq classes paid for (those were out-of-pocket), all while helping my mother to take care of my grandmother.

For me it just worked to have no interest in dating. There was simply too much going on.

Starting this program, it was a relief that I had no significant other, no children, no distractions, etc. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. For me that's what worked.

Have I wanted a healthy supportive relationship? Yes. Have I desired to have a companion? Yes. Do I want romance in my life? Yes. Do I long for a lasting love? YES!

Was I willing to date yet another douchebag? No. Was I willing to distract from my studies? No.

You see, all of my relationship/dating experiences have had pretty huge negatives. Because that was my experience, I felt it better to just not even give it a thought for quite awhile.

However, being 24, I'm already realizing how much smaller the dating pool is getting. Not necessarily in terms of numbers (though it is...a lot of people are getting married and starting families). Rather, I'm meaning quality. There's a reason a lot of people my age and a little bit older are single at this point, most usually, and it's usually not a good sign. There's another reason to not date. Trying to wade through that pool of potential suitors seems daunting when you know the reason they are probably still single is not of a desirable trait.

Alright so fast forward again, my mother decided that after almost a year-and-a-half of being single, and a year of me not looking at all for dates, and after a year of me professing (yet again....as I have always done when I'm single) that I'm not interested in dating, she set me up on a blind date.

Now hold on a minute....what?! Yes my mother set me up on a blind date. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when that would happen.Nor did I expect it. I came home to my mother getting lunch and she slide a number across the table at me. Jigga what?! Aw hell no! That was my first reaction.

Long story (and amusing for another time) short I gave this mystery man a ring, and we went on a first date.

Pure petrification. I don't think I've been that terrified in awhile. And that's saying something, because I'm pretty nervous and scared every day walking into work or class, not knowing what I will be facing taking care of another patient.

However, I wasn't petrified for too long. Joking, direct questioning, laughing, and some talking later, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

I got asked on a second date.

Pure nervousness and fear. Really?! He asked me on a second date?! Wow.

The reason I think I was so nervous the second time around is two-fold. He liked me enough to ask me to come out again. That shocked me, just because I wasn't expecting it. Also, it meant that with each time he asks me to see each other again, I become a little more vulnerable to him. That freaks me out. Because being vulnerable to others has gotten me in worlds of trouble.

That's not saying I'm going to flip my hard shell over and just be the belly-side of a starfish, begging to be preyed upon. But it does mean that the massive guards that I have slowly built up have to slowly come down. For the first time in a very long time, I might have to start letting someone in. Because it's who I am on the inside, past those walls, that someone wants to get to know, more than the superficial questions. That's a scary thought for me anymore. That includes an aspect of being vulnerable.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, rather facing a realistic possibility. It's really kind of exciting and enthralling really.

With the unexpected, comes the most beautiful experiences :-)

Tyce & Tenley

My cousin asked me to take their children's pictures. As the one in the family who has a fancy camera, I'm automatically nominated as photographer for most family events. It's a good thing that the reason I even have a fancy camera to begin with is because I'm the one known for taking pictures and am halfway decent at snapping a good photo here and there.

Anywho, I was totally honored when they asked me to take Tyce & Tenley's photos! They haven't had their pictures taken together since Tenley was a month old. And Lisa just said she wanted some cute photos of them together, not in a studio, with all the contrived poses they do there. Thankfully Colorado is the most beautiful place to live and when she offers up that brilliant blue sky and sunshine, you can't ever help but get a good picture!! Here's a few of my favorites. (I can honestly say I don't think I did a half bad job!)

 Tyce & Tenley

 Tyce enthusiastically chasing butterflies!!

 Exploring what's in the water together :-)

Newest 'Do

I think most everyone has figured out by now that I can't have the same hair color too long without getting bored.

I think what really fueled the fire this time was having been my natural color for so long, coupled with being a part of the Stepford Wives atmosphere that is nursing school. When I got accepted into nursing school I changed my hair color from the blond that I had worked towards back to it's natural dark brunette. Which means that I've been brunette since roughly October.

Then I entered into nursing school and I'm around the same people all the time. Everyone has long hair, natural hair, and I enjoy my short messy do. But everyone has either brunette or blond hair, I wanted something a little different.

So I decided to flirt with red hair :-) And I love it!! I can't wait until we get it to the final color that I'm overall really wanting!!

Emerald Lake - RMNP

This past weekend I got the opportunity to go up to Estes Park with a good nursing school buddy, J and his wife Tricia, and some of their family. We spent the first night hanging out, drinking gimlets and playing Quiddler. Then on Saturday we went hiking up to Emerald Lake.

The hike was SOO amazing. There is absolutely nothing more peaceful or beautiful than hiking through God's creation. There was still snow in the mountains, which I've never hiked in before, and made the hike not only interesting at times but much more adventure-filled and beautiful in its own tranquil way. The most wonderful part of it was that because it was winter, there were less hikers on the trail, especially the higher up we got, which meant at the top we were the only ones there! To have that peace and tranquility, to be the only humans, on top of that serene mountain was wonderful.

At one point, while sitting on a rock and eating my sandwich at the top near Emerald Lake, a bird flew to the tree next to us. He was just as interested in us and we were in him. But his was so majestic. A beautiful royal blue with a breezy mohawk on top.

There are so many reasons why I love Colorado; Rocky Mountain National Park and it's treasures are one of them. Just wish I had more time to go hiking this summer!!

Here's some of my favorite pics from the day.

 Nymph Lake (first lake on the hike)

 another view of Nymph Lake

 some really cool trees :-)

 looking back on Nymph Lake after hiking up a ways

 a river runs through it

 Dream Lake (the second lake on the hike)

 Emerald Lake was frozen over!

look at the beautiful bird!!

Refurbished Cradle

This past week, I refurbished our old cradle. My brother Marshall and his wife are expecting their firstborn here in ~5 weeks. Baby Thor. We don't know what they are naming their child (it's a surprise) so he will forever be my little Thor :-) Anywho, this is the cradle that my parents had for my brother's Kevan and Reece. After years of it being in storage, with the announcement of the arrival of the first grandchild, it was pulled out. This week I refurbished it. I filled the cracks on top with wood filler, sanded her down, and then stained her.

 Workin on the cradle

 That sander and I are becoming fast friends!

 Wood filler on the cracks

After hours of sanding, I thought maybe I had the finish off. Alas when I started staining I found out very quickly that I hadn't indeed taken the finish completely off (one can tell this by whether the wood absorbs the stain or rather it gets pushed around and around on top). Either way I found a technique to try to darken the stain without sanding it back down. I'd put the stain on with a foam brush and let it dry for 20 mins, then wipe it off with a clean old rag. The coolest part was that the stain wasn't absorbed well in the bigger areas where I couldn't get the finish off but the edges were well sanded and absorbed the dark stain very well!! Overall the wood looks mismatched which gives it a really cool rustic look. I love the way it turned out!! Now just need to find or make a mattress for it and await Baby Thor's arrival :-)

 The finished product

The other side of the cradle :-) you can definitely see the contrast 

The other projects that I've finished are painting a side table, doing some hand-dipped vases (which by the way, those tutorials on other blogs don't explain just how hard it is to get the paint even and looking nice), and finishing up some decorative pillows. 

Next up on my list: refurbish an old highchair, build a baby blanket, and build a vanity!

Post 1st 15 weeks of Nursing School

I sit here writing a week into my two-week break from school. The week has gone by rather too fast but it's also been a very odd week...full of a lot of plans but to be honest I was so used to only having school-related stuff that I had no idea what to do for the first day I was on break.

The first 15 weeks were long, hard, full, and busy. So jam-packed with stuff that I look back amazed at how far we came in that 15 weeks.

My first rotation was Med/Surg...and while I loved the content, I ended up hating the class and had a hard time with my clinicals. My professor ended up having a target on me from the start of my class, and she wasn't the best professor I've ever had. As a matter of fact, I rather have a personal opinion that teaching may not be the realm for her. Someone who likes to tout their credentials, has no idea what they are talking about in some classes, and who passively-aggressively targets students (all still while touting her "Christian" faith) isn't suited for a classroom, let alone one that should be safe and supportive for future professionals in the field!! Regardless, I came out of the class with a B, which is pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

I did find at the end of the 15 weeks that I really just needed a break. As someone who loves peace, calm, serenity, and positivity, I started finding myself becoming rather frustrated and aghast at the amount of stress and frazzled-ness that people in this program exert. I have a hard time being too worked up and stressed out all the time, and being so consumed in that culture was becoming overbearing. I have a hard time taking most things in life too seriously, as an end-all to everything, that I just was burnt out. I needed to get away from that scene, away from the people that became the only people who ever saw me.

On top of that, my confidence was shot at the end. Between my professor finding ways to passively-aggressively belittle me and feeling like a failure at clinicals half the time, I found much excitement in getting away from that all!!

And I have thoroughly enjoyed the past week!! I changed up my hair (I couldn't handle feeling like a stepford wife anymore in the sea that is nursing school students), I hiked, and I've worked on some projects! This next week is full of taking pictures, more projects, and socializing :-)

I refurbished the cradle for my brother's baby on the way, finished some pillows...next on the docket: a baby blanket, the high chair, and building a vanity!!

I'm using these two weeks to getting back to who I am, what makes me happy, and what is important in my life. Because I'm here to tell you, being a nurse is not my defining factor! No, what makes my life important and beautiful is the people in it, how hard I work, and appreciating the simple things. There's so much beauty that I can't possibly let nursing school be the end-all and only. 

Because I'm having a hard time sitting still, this is all for this post...onward to getting more things achieved for now!

A Day Spent in the OR

Grey's Anatomy. ER. Even House.

All shows that enact surgery. All shows that more often than not get some of the most critical life-saving procedures WAY wrong!! (Don't even get me started on how they do CPR on any show or movie...) And while they do have some semblance of accuracy, I'm here to tell you that most everything in the healthcare profession doesn't happen like it does on the shows.

Ok, ok, ok...some things are accurate. Like subsisting on coffee, the opportunity for romance (though more often than not, there's not a lot of romance going on), and the bonus' of wearing scrubs can hold true. They do show some pretty schnazzy healthcare technology. But real life does not happen like it does in the movies or on shows.

However, I did get the opportunity to spend the day in the OR on Wednesday. And it was FANTASTIC!! I actually don't have very much interest in surgery in terms of I've always liked interacting with others. I love watching surgeries on www.orlive.com but didn't think I'd actually like the surgical atmosphere. However, I can say, I thoroughly enjoyed my day in the surgical units!!

I started off my morning at 6:45am, true to normal form. I had to change into surgical scrubs. Think the oh-so-fantastically flattering blue scrubs on Grey's Anatomy. Only our scrubs are not made to fit to our bodies. They are a one-cut fits all and either your ass fits in them or not! So here I was in the OR, wearing blue surgical scrubs, blue booties and the wonderful blue hair mesh cap thing. As you can imagine, I was the epitome of surgical beauty ;-) HA! Just kidding.

Anywho, I got to spend the day in OR 6 with the same surgical team through all three of their cases. Same surgeon, same assistant, same circulating nurse, and same scrub tech. The nurse was AWESOME, the assistant was AWESOME, the scrub tech was FUNNY, and the surgeon was AMAZING!

Unlike most surgeons (for any of those of you who have spent any amount of time in a hospital and talked to surgeons, they are just a whole different breed), the surgeon I was with was very laid-back, personable, and friendly. She had a great sense of humor and was so human. You don't get that very often in surgeons!

The first case was a gastrectomy. The pt had a mass in his stomach, which was actually benign, but causing stomach problems. It's better to remove a mass if possible than allow it to sit and possibly metastasize (if it turns malignant) and cause an upset in homeostasis and comfort. So the surgeon went in and removed part of his stomach. Then she let me play with the mass. She showed me where the spleen sat in the stomach, I glimpsed the liver and the pancreas and saw the pinkish texture of the stomach. Once I opened up the part of the stomach that was removed I got to see the mucosal lining of the stomach...SO awesome!!

The entire surgery was probably about 1.5 hours. Turn over the room.

The second surgery was an explorative laparotomy. Basically the pt had presented to the ER with a bunch of pain in the abdominal area. Upon dx testing, xrays showed his intestines were partially twisted. Once opened up, the surgeon found a section of the intestines that was red and swollen (no bueno...pink = good, red & swollen = unhealthy tissue, close to bursting which would lead to peritonitus which would lead to sepsis = NO BUENO). She removed that part of the intestines and again I got to squish them!! So cool.

That surgery took about 45 minutes. Turn over the room.

The last surgery was a laparascopic cholectomy (aka removal of the gallbladder without opening up the pt). SO cool!! The surgeon walked me through the whole procedure. I got to see the liver, pancreas, stomach and of course gall bladder. I watched as she pointed out the common duct (which supplies bile to/from the gallbladder/liver/etc). I watched as she separated the gallbladder from it's home on the liver and extracted it via a tiny tube.

That surgery took about 45 minutes. Done by 1330!

The anesthesiologist was SO awesome and laid-back. He walked me through everything he was doing and even allowed me to help intubate the first patient. SOO amazing!!

What a great experience :-) Who woulda thunk a day in the OR would be so awesome!!

Now just need to go watch a brain and/or heart surgery and I'll be such a happy lady :-)

Are we there yet?!

Rarely an extra minute anymore to simply stop and think anymore. Accelerated is an understatement right now of the nursing program.

I can't help but count down the days until our first break. Two weeks! Two weeks and I can sleep in and not worry about anything being due currently. Wowsers. Talk about a crazy 13 weeks it's been.

My latest adventures have been in the world of Med/Surg clinicals. Actually not so much adventures. More just crazy chaotic stress. But I will update about that in a couple weeks. For now, just a couple pictures that speak louder than words about what's going on in my world.

 My favorite part of work is watching the helis...

 Only those in my program understand this...just because I started in Med/Surg does not mean I'm any smarter!! Just the luck of the draw for my tract...

 This is becoming more and more how I feel as we get closer to our break....

 Wine is SERIOUSLY becoming my best friend and stress reliever....mmmm.....

 Just so exhaustipated...

 It's officially spring...if I've jacked up my foot it means spring has officially sprung...also think I broke my pinky toe, it no longer moves properly

 the glove of MRSA!!

 poster boards are the new notecards

just a friendly reminder on the door every morning as we head out to clinicals...Kenny Powers!!

Update to come in a few weeks!! Catch ya on the flip side!

A Reflection on Shalom

It's almost midnight and I can't get my mind to shut off.

Today is St. Patrick's Day which I'm sure in most other people's minds is a cause for celebration. Being Irish myself, it's of course just another excuse for every single person to drink and say stereotypical things thinking they are Irish.

However, today is a cause for celebration because it's the first day since nursing school started that I've really had a full day to relax! Granted I still didn't do that, but it was a day to do so.

I was able to sleep in a little bit, had to run an errand to help my brother, and once back home I started organizing a few things and then got to work on some DIY-ing :-) Couldn't help it.

I watched a couple documentaries, broke the washing machine, you know, just the usual things ;-)

I have to work tomorrow and I went to bed awhile ago but unlike usual I find myself tossing and turning more than usual. I can't get my brain to shut off so naturally it goes any and everywhere.

It landed quite heavily upon reflecting at my time at Shalom Home. For our Foundations of Nursing class we had to do a 16-hour clinical that was basically meant to help those who have never before been in a clinical setting or ever taken care of someone the opportunity to get used to touching and talking to other people.

I don't think that going to a long-term care facility where dementia is prevalent is quite the way to do that but we all found ourselves in various long-term care facilities. I willingly chose Shalom Home as it has an underlay of Judaism, and that peaked my curiosity.

But it comes down to the geriatric population is the geriatric population. It's a special population within itself that has a lot of trials and tribulations. Taking care of kids is no easy task but I can say taking care of kids, in my opinion, is easier. The geriatric and pediatric population are similar in some ways. They are both highly dependent on the caregivers, need varying degrees of assistance, need a lot of direction. However, there is still a difference. Kids are naturally smaller and cuter. Kids have a positive energy and hope for a future. Not so much with the geriatric population.

A large majority of the time, those in long-term care are depressed, have dementia, are stubborn or mean, are altered, and are hard to work with. They aren't cute and cuddly like children. And it takes a special sort of patience to interact with patients who repeat the same sentence over-and-over-and-over.

With that being said, there is still a certain amount of humanity that comes in taking care of people. And I sit here reflecting on my time at Shalom, which is preceded by a large foundation of taking care of the geriatric population...from taking care of my dying grandmother, to working home health care, to working in an assisted living facility, including the Alzheimer's unit. There is a certain amount of respect, dignity, humanity, and compassion due each individual, no matter their health state. There is a certain way you treat and care for others.

What I find myself dwelling over are the many instances of things I didn't agree with. Call lights not being answered when the residents need assistance, telling the residents what/when they should be doing things (when that is in fact their home), sometimes imprisoning them in their chairs or beds, attitudes and words used. I reflect on the abuse and neglect that I experienced at the assisted care facility. And I find myself dwelling on how caregivers interact with patients.

I don't know anyone who willingly chooses to have their body and mind deteriorate to the point that they rely on others, sometimes without any form of communication to those who are caring for them. I don't know anyone who willingly wants to suffer in that manner. But I do know that as a caregiver/provider, it is within my power to maintain the sacredness of being human, and of relieving suffering, in many different manners.

To me, it is unacceptable that caregivers forget that these residents were once vibrant young people, like you and I, who independently made their own choices, dressed to the nines, raised families, had careers, hobbies, interests (outside of going to the dining hall). Therefore, when someone is completely reliant upon me, it is my duty to maintain dignity, respect, privacy, and maintain that connection to others.

I don't agree with nursing homes. My parents will never be put in one if it is at all within my power and doing. I can't imagine my parents being treated, neglected, or thought of in the way that a lot of these caregivers treat the residents. In fact, it breaks my heart to think about it.

But it also makes me think, what is in store for my future? My parents have me, a very passionate and compassionate person who is more acutely aware of the healthcare system and long-term care facilities. I don't believe they are at all the answer, in any way shape or form. I will be an advocate until the end for my parents. But what is in store for my future? As someone who has yet to have a desire for children, will there be anyone there in my future to provide for me if I start to lose my physical or mental faculties? Or will they put me in one of these facilities that I so loathingly hate? Or will I have anyone at all, if I never have children?

I hate being in them to take care of others, because of how flawed and awful the system is. I can already tell you one of my worst nightmares would be to wind up in one of them as a resident. Especially with how social and independent I am. And how particular I am about the way healthcare providers take care of others. What is in store for my future? And how can I make an impact in the current system? So many things going through my brain....

Snapshot

It's hard for me to capture life as a nursing student. It's inexplicable chaos being in the accelerated program. I spend my days trying to figure out what's going on half the time. It's no big deal to have three exams in one week. I spend a significant amount of time going over pwpt's and searching through reems of paper (powerpoints, activities, etc).

But with this week having been so delightful to us, I do have some snapshots of a few moments of relaxation spent out on the grass in the commons area at Regis U. I've been thoroughly enjoying getting to wear flip-flops and the warmth of the sunshine on my face!! Here's a few snapshots I've been able to quickly snap with my camera phone!

 Just a snapshot of me actually wearing makeup and my hair done up 

(before my brother's wedding)

 a day spent studying with J meant some EtOH was involved :-) 

mmm Gimlets!

 oh how i love that flip-flop weather!!

 isn't it bliss to just sit underneath a tree, relax, and look up at this brilliant blue sky?

sure is a nice way to breathe in between exams!

apparently those minnesota-ins aren't used to this weather nor being so close to the sun!

J protecting himself and appearing like he has kyphosis

after a day spent taking 3 exams...WOOT done with that! 

Spring 5W2...with a new perspective

Wow, another five weeks almost done and gone!! It's hard to believe that as someone who loves writing, reflecting, and getting my thoughts out, that I haven't really had time to sit down and really think about much, other than the next exam or figuring out what class I need to be in.

This past five weeks has been even crazier than the previous five, though I at first didn't think that was possible. I just finished my Foundations of Nursing Course, and I'm pretty positive I aced it. I'll find out my grade later. Just finished my last test in there so I have to wait for a few class things to be graded.

I have a few more exams this week, but they are all bench-marking exams, called ATI Testing. It's a way for us to find out where we rank in our testing skills to all the other nurses in the nation.

It's all smooth sailing from here.

However, the more I go on in this program, the more and more my perspective is beginning to change. It's very easy for one to get caught up in the rigors of the program and start to alter one's perspective about what is "right" and "wrong" is nursing. What constitutes a "good" or "great" nurse and so-on and so-forth. It's easy to get caught up in what is the evidence-based practice standard of providing care and what is "wrong", etc.

I have realized that though I love the clinical setting, and I love the critical care aspect (and fully plan on being immersed in that sort of nursing for awhile after graduation), that it isn't the only form of nursing out there. I temporarily forgot how huge of a proponent I am of holistic medicine, of the body's ability to heal itself, and of the importance of balance. I temporarily forgot a lot of what I stand for and believe.

(Funny I should mention balance when I'm not exactly practicing that for my own health!)

The more I go on in this program, the easier it is for me to just sit back, relax, and enjoy it and get back to my own beliefs and ideals about health care and providing quality nursing care. I'm becoming better at reconciling what I'm learning now and how it will influence my nursing practice as I go forward.

My classmates are also becoming constant reminders of what I don't care about and what I don't stand for.

Our generation and society is marked by comfort and materialism. Being surrounded by this every day stands as a sharp reminder of things I honestly don't give a shit about.

The majority of my classmates are wrapped up in getting that oh-so-coveted "A", and everything surrounds their grades, and doing a skill "correctly". If we aren't following that, or if something isn't allowing one their "A", it's a constant freak-out and bitch fest.

Now I'm not always the MOST laid-back person though I do pat myself on the back for being able to pretty comfortably flow with the ebbs and detours of life. However, a good grip of my classmates make me feel like I am as peaceful as Ghandi himself (that should be saying something). And as each day, each freak-out, each bitch session comes forward, I am becoming more acutely aware how ridiculous life can be sometimes.

It's so hard to take that seriously when there are much bigger problems happening each and every day around the world. There are children starving domestic and international, there are needless and mindless wars all over the globe, homeless families who simply need a break, people dying of cancer, etc. And there are people around the world who are doing things that are actually making a huge difference, not just in the "gold-standard" way of properly inserting an NG tube into the next patient but people who are fighting for peace, justice, and health. Those who are out there quietly scrapping all means possible to help in areas of public health and injustice to fight the bigger battles of life. People who are donating time, money, and possibly various body tissues to help others. The nurses around the world who are for the young, old, and special needs are the ones who I take seriously.

I don't want to be a nurse who sits in a comfortable hospital and caters to the comfortable health of those here, who simply are having appendectomies. I want to help premature neonates have a chance at a healthful life. I want to work with kids with special needs and cancers who need a quiet strength. I want to work with those around the world who don't have access to the same healthcare we have (where things such as sterile insertion of nasogastric tubes aren't such huge matters....but rather simply getting the proper vaccines is the battle of life and death). That's where I want to be. That's what matters to me.

No patient is ever going to look at me and ask whether I'm a 4.0 nurse, a 3.6 nurse or a 3.0 nurse. They are simply going to know that I've had the proper training, done well enough to get my nursing licensure, and am now there to practice to the best of my abilities. My abilities that include perseverance, hardwork, dedication, caring, humor, strength and compassion. Not my ability to get an A in a class or my ability to memorize every line of information in a book.

So this is where I sit today. I'm getting ready to start the first clinical rotation..med/surg. I'm a little bit anxious and a little bit excited. The sun is shining, I'm wearing my trusty flip-flops, and have a full belly. I have some wonderful people in my life and an excellent God by my side. And that's really all that matters right now. Nursing school is important, and huge for me right now, as it's the foundation for my nursing career. But it's not the only thing that matters, and it's not the end-all of my life right now.

So with that, I'm onto take another exam, and I'm going to crush it ;-)

YAYER!!!