Coffee Time

Some of the best things in life are indescribable little things.

Had the "normal" Sunday coffee with Britt this weekend in Denver at The Market, a really cool little coffee/deli shop on Larimer Square. Then we window shopped for a little bit!

I cherish my times with my bestie....one of the few people who has been there through the years no matter what, who loves and accepts me for me, and whose friendship is irreplacable.

Here's to wonderful coffee times with Britt-Britt.

It's the Little Blessings

HOWDY PARTNER!

This week has already been a crazy busy week to the start of a CRAZY busy month that lays ahead.

But I sit here reflecting on quite a few things and my mind is just swimming with so many blessings and joyous things that I HAVE to get them out or I might literally spontaneously combust with enthusiasm and optimism. And heaven forbid someone get hurt from positivity ;-)

Where to start?!

First I'm going to be 23 in a two weeks. Um when did this happen?! Like literally, I didn't even think I'd make it to 21 and I'm almost 23. Where has the last almost quarter century of life gone?! It's a good thing I guess. I'm so excited to be 23 and to have a great year. My 22nd year came in a weird and not-so-wonderful time of my life. At the time I was having huge family issues and the whole Eric situation was out of control. 22 was marked by those huge problems. But I'm welcoming in 23 with rejuvenation. My loving family is surrounding me, my dating life is very blessed currently, and my drive for my future is back with a ridiculous vengeance. I can't wait to see what blessings God has in store, as well as what lessons and transitions in my life come forward.

God worked another little blessing today in my life. He literally has been dropping these really small blessings and confidence-builders in my lap not to mention new things to do. I live paycheck to paycheck, quite literally, but I am able to pay all my bills. I do this all by working tons of little odd jobs. Recently he's been dropping all these things that involve technology, PR, and talking to people in my life. Things of which I would never label myself as great at but rather proficient. However, I have all these opportunities popping up left and right.

Well today my mom asked me to come to a meeting with her. My parents own an apparel shop that specializes in custom apparel in both embroidery and silk screening. I've worked for them from the time they started the business in our garage. For a year I was assistant production manager, whereas now I just sort of do oddball jobs as well as digitizing for letter jackets. They are trying to get a website up and running so my mom dragged me to a meeting with a guy who designs and builds websites. At first I didn't think I'd be of any value but turns out my familiarity with the internet really came into play. Somehow, the conversation turned towards our mutual faith in God. And at the end of the meeting, we all prayed together!! Ok INCREDIBLE!! Seriously how often does that happen?!

I will be babysitting another little girl with CP in the next couple weeks quite a bit and I can't wait! I love knowing that because God made me able-bodied I can help others :-) It's one of those things I really enjoy in life. I'm a bit nervous as any new person you meet with special needs you need to get to know but I'm really excited to use my abilities to help someone else out, as well as Ethan's family. These kids really need love and care, just like everyone else. I've realized that so many people shy away from anyone with special needs or disabilities. They are scared of them. I can understand why, to a point....because they are different and fragile. But really they also aren't...and they are ALL characters!! And now I get the opportunity to get to know this amazing little girl who faces challenges every day that are so much greater than me yet she keeps going.

I really wish that every person got the opportunity to work with someone different from them. Because we all learn how blessed we are in our own lives. And that's important to keep in mind all that we have and to not take any of it for granted, especially that of being "normal" and healthy.

So I have a couple little kiddos I'm teaching how to swim. I used to teach swim lessons out the wazoo in high school. We had a boat growing up and my mom started me at lessons at the age of 6 months. She said as long as we had a boat we had to be in swimming lessons. She even kept me in level seven (the top level) and had me repeat it time after time, even after passing it, because of her rule. I was ONLY allowed to stop repeating the stupid level when I joined a local swimming team in middle school. Of course I didn't compete (I was shy and hated competition and any focus being put my way in any sort) but my mom paid for me to practice with the team every day for six days a week. Then I joined the high school varsity swim team as a freshman and literally it was just natural to get my lifeguarding license and work at the local rec. In turn, I started teaching swimming lessons, both group and private and did it for years. I still teach swimming lessons to families if they need be. So I have this set of siblings I'm teaching how to swim. One is five and fearless and pretty natural in the water. One is seven, a genius, overthinks things, and is deathly afraid of things that aren't comfortable or natural.

My philosophy for swimming is that if a kid can learn to be comfortable and confidant in the water, they can do anything. So I put an emphasis on teaching them how to be comfortable in the water via emphasizing survival techniques (technical techniques are secondary to increase endurance) and then I boost their confidence by tons and tons of positive reinforcement and showing them that THEY were the ones who are swimming and doing things on their own!!

The first day starting out the seven year old couldn't float and just sank like a rock. He hated the water, had no confidence, didn't want me to let go of him at all. Tuesday they were both swimming lengths on their own doing backstroke across the pool!! Then this morning their mom was telling me how she took them and a few other classmates to another local rec and her kids were confidant in the water and were the only ones of the group able to be in the deep end (mom was a little hesitant at first but got used to it after watching them)!! Amazing!! It's nice to hear that two more kids are able to enjoy time in the water because I basically taught them how to be comfortable in the water and gave them confidence to know they can be on their own in the water!! They do not have perfect strokes and may never be on swim teams but it's two more kids not afraid of the water :-)

And lastly, my little Ethan is doing just spectacular. He is starting to say "nnnnn" for my name :-) How precious is that?! Despite his odds, he's a little ball of sunshine all the time and has the stamina of a freaking Olympian. If ONLY we could all be that way!!

Ok so I'm going to stop letting the sun shine out of my butt for now ;-)

I really do hope that whoever is reading this is having a wonderful day and that you can look at your life and see those amazing little blessings. Believe me, there's a fair amount of strife and worry in my life, some hard things and thoughts, and some really confusing/troublesome times. But all in all, I love my life and am so thankful to God for all that He has provided me with....including but not limited to my health and my positive attitude.

GLOBAL 2010

This weekend was epic. A little dose of exactly what I needed.

Global was this weekend at Red Rocks. It was split into a two-night event this year and a group of us went on friday.

Exactly what the doctor ordered. The most gorgeous amphitheatre, the world's sickest sound system, and the illest beats and bass you could ever want.

A night dedicated to dance music and letting it take over your soul.

The music allowed my soul to pound with excitement and to fly as it doesn't get a chance to do, all bars none, and energy of unmeasurable levels.

We saw three dj's on the main stage:
Savoy
Infected Mushroom
Deadmau5

FROTHY!!!

Airplanes

Last night Britton and I went out and watched airplanes take off at the airport.

It was pretty awesome....I'm thinking a repeat of that needs to happen soon.

Driving past a No Trespassing sign onto airport property, standing at the gate by a runway, watching giant machines take off into the air, and looking up at the stars with B was priceless.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...I could really use a wish right now...."

A First

Britton and I's start to our relationship has been very slow. He has been working so very much and trying to get some parts of his life figured out, like trying to get a place to live and get his feet under him, so we haven't really seen each other in quite awhile. A minute here or there, usually when I was giving him a ride or he stopped by to use the shower, etc.

Finally yesterday we made a plan to just hang out.

And he "swallowed his pride" once my mom asked him face-to-face, why he hasn't just decided to stay with us until he can get his feet under him.

See, there are many firsts about this relationship. One would be dating someone who is has my same faith and actually practices it. Second would be my family actually likes Britton. All of them.

In fact, they all love him. And he loves them. Let's just say it was a first to have my dad bugging me to text Britton to ask him to come hang out. I literally didn't know how to respond to that and gave my dad the "deer in headlights" look...so stunned it took me several minutes to process, repeat it back and attempt to find my phone at the moment. And it was a first to have Britton look me square in the eye and say " I LOVE your family".

And because of this, my family has been actively trying to help him out. They want to help him out. They want to see him be successful. Despite the fact that he's a bit rowdy and rough around the edges, he's the kind of guy you can't help but love and respect. He's passionate, respectful, loving, driven, hardworking, dedicated. He loves his family and despite his life being a "hot mess", he really has the best intentions and works hard to do the best and be his best. My parents respect that. And have hated seeing him not have a home for the last month.

So after my parents talking to him, he agreed to crash here until he can get his feet under him and save up a little bit of money.

We spent yesterday evening talking over some tough stuff but laughing and enjoying each other as we haven't seen each other in awhile. Then we met up with his older brother, Cam. Cam's sons birthday is today and Cam/Diana got Zach a go-kart for his birthday. We helped to take it up and Cam presented it to Zach, and then Zach and Dawson (his other little boy) rode the go-kart for about an hour....which was so fun and amusing to watch. It didn't help that uncle Britton was encouraging speed and craziness, almost giving poor Diana a heart attack at times. And then Britton and I hung out at Cam & Diana's house....just spending time for me to get to know them and relax. It was very encouraging and very calming.

The mountains were beautiful, it was a calm wonderful Colorado evening, Cam and Diana are so encouraging despite all of Diana's health stuff going on, and Zach/Dawson sang to us and recited some impressive bible verses!! We talked about some hopes and dreams and laughed.

And then when we got home, Britton and I laid down on my bed and cuddled for a few minutes...which is exactly what I crave at the end of the day so it was nice to actually have that for a few minutes last night. And then before we got ready for bed Britton looked at me and said "Let's pray babe."

W-O-W

And we did. We prayed very imperfect, stumbly, heartfelt prayers full of petition for forgiveness, thankfulness for blessings, and asking for God to guide our relationship and to lead us.

I've never prayed with a significant other before.

And I can say that I was frazzled by it at first but so immensely did I enjoy having a man who not only wanted to do it with me, but just decided "lets do it" and lead me through it. That's what I've wanted. A man to lead me.

And then he tucked me in and went to the room he's staying in and crashed.

Amazing firsts. Very humbling and exciting firsts.

Thank you Lord for answering one of my many small prayers. Wow. Amen.

The Lord Hath Made This Day

You know how there are just some days where God gives you some sort of very quiet strength that makes you want to scream to the world "I LOVE MY LIFE!" at at the same time keeps your heart invitingly content, even if it's just for a few hours?!

Well today is one of those days.

I taught swimming lessons in a cold pool, worked for a little bit getting cobwebs all over me (ick I'm not a fan of cobwebs...for whatever reason they gross me out), and then mother nature decided to have aunt flow visit for the second time in three weeks.

And while I was working all I could do was to continue thanking God for blessing me!

Honestly, it's a beautiful Colorado day, my family and friends are healthy and in good spirits, I'm provided for, I told my close ones I loved them and they told me they love me too, and well, I don't know....today is just amazing!!

There's nothing special about it in the slightest, nothing interesting nor exciting. But I thoroughly am enjoying this contented happiness I am getting to enjoy currently :-)

I know it's usually my nature to be happy but sometimes I just gotta share it with others!

I hope the Lord is blessing your day as thoroughly as He is mine and I hope that you are seeing the many blessings in your life....even if life has handed you some sour lemons lately.

Missing Krista

Throughout the past 7 1/2 years of my life, my faith has played a huge role in defining me, both in good and bad ways. Sometimes with my faith defining me, I have rebeled against the good girl image and have tried to be stubborn and thick-headed, like I normally am. But no matter what, God has kept a stronghold on my life and my heart.

One of the strongest influences on my faith was my best friend Krista May in high school. Ironically she was 20 years older than me. And she passed from brain cancer my sophomore year. The strength of my faith is due in part to two key conversations with Krista, the love she showed me, and the love her mother poured upon me after she had passed.

I have struggled with my faith at times, just like every other Christian has. I have never claimed to and never will claim to be perfect. Nor will I ever go so far as to say that I'm what some call a "strong Christian". I will never start churches nor lead many people directly to Christ. I might play a part in that path of them coming to eventually find the Lord, but God did not make me to be that woman. He has given me a servant's heart, one that's passionate and will jump at any opportunity to help others. But I'm not made to be a missionary. Just to simply serve and help others.

One question, however, that I have always had on my heart is "Would who I am today make Krista proud?" She was the first person other than my parents to love me unconditionally and be proud of who I was, when in fact, most of the time I still felt insignificant and a failure. She was a loving and genuine person, a woman of strong conviction and an amazingly strong faith. She's the type of woman I could only HOPE to become.

I have only one picture of Krista....and it happens to be the only one that exists of me and her.



But in my high school graduation card, a few years after Krista had passed, her mother Cindy marked these bible verses in my card, and said "God bless you always". I find comfort in these because for whatever reason I feel a bit closer to Krista when I read these verses.

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statues, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word."
Psalm 119:30-37

Krista's birthday was June 17th.

I miss her so much.

Philippians 2

Many times I read my bible and it's hard for me to accurately put into words how it replenishes, refocuses, and teaches me. Yes, as a sinning human I struggle with grasping the meaning of a lot of things, but there's a lot of joy that I get out of reading my bible and communing with God....albeit I'm constantly feeling like I have yet again failed when I read a command that I have been clearly away of yet choose to continue to not follow.

But today I picked up my bible and reverted to the book that is the most read, and by far has the most amount of lessons that I struggle day in and day out. It's my favorite book of the bible however, so I find a lot of solace in it when I find that my soul just needs a little bit of gentle loving from God.

The following is most of the second chapter, but it was the part the struck the biggest chord in my heart today. I will not explain any further after the chapter, I just hope you derive your own solace and thoughts from the passage:

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of other. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tonge confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

There my dear friends, as you have always obeyed-not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence-continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice."

Lake Mac 4th of July

This past weekend we took a very long weekend and went to Lake McConaughy in Nebraska for some family time!

We haven't had our boat out in eight years due to my brothers' involvements in summer baseball and basically the busy-ness of life that occurs. But we used to have a trailer at Lake Mac that we would go up to boating all the time. I grew up on the boat, boating at lakes like Lake Mac, Boyd Lake, North Sterling Reservoir. I have my mom to thanks in a round-a-bout way for me being on the swim team. Since we've always had a boat my mom enrolled all of us kids in swim lessons at a young age, starting me at 6 months old. By the time I was 10 or 11 I had passed all levels and had already spent several years repeating level 7 over and over. My mom's motto was that as long as we had a boat, we would be in swimming lessons, even if that meant repeating the top level again over and over. The only reason I FINALLY got out of repeating swim lessons was by joining the swim team. Water was just in my blood.

So after such a long reprieve from one of my favorite childhood memories, we cleaned the boat, cleaned off our tubes, skiis and kneeboard...and made a family weekend trip out of it!!

It was so refreshing to be back in the water....and unlike when I was a scaredy-cat 12-year-old....I actually got out on the water quite frequently on tubes, skiied again several times (I got up my first and only time skiing the last year we were in the water...despite how shy and scared I was and despite my father heckling me and my brothers making fun of me), and I bravely attempted kneeboarding!!

Next trip I will attempt slalom-skiing and hopefully in the future I can try wakeboarding :-)

It was so wonderful to get away from it all, specifically to a place that holds such a good nostalgic place in my heart, to have all the family together in for longer than a few hours and to spend time doing something we all enjoy and grew up doing. Not to mention it was so refreshing to not worry about my hair or makeup or what I looked like, to simply just be on a boat enjoying life and having some fun!

I didn't get to really see any fireworks...a massive storm came up and honestly I had no desire to watch them this year due to several reasons. But what a great way to celebrate the independence of our nation!!

Mom and Dad on the boat


day 1 on the boat - the kids


rockin the ol school life vest


tubing with Jenni...CHEESE!


this looks like an ad to me

Budding Forward

Well my body has decided to kind of get sick off and on this past couple of weeks and yesterday I started getting a ginormous coldsore. It's now taking up most of my lower lip, which means my body is really fighting some sort of sickness. So I couldn't go play with my little Ethie today :-( But instead I'm "resting" which I should know by now I'm horrible at. I just walk around this house finding little oddball jobs to do.

But here's a cute little picture of me and Ethie from when we went to the park a week ago.



So I guess it's about time for other matters of the heart.

Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back I can totally admit how big of an idiot I was with my heart with Eric. I was played and used, and completely at my will. I knew that things would not last and still I continued to stick around and put myself out there for him and be there for him. Seriously, it was just a tad dumb. But I once again, learned a ton of lessons the hard way.

However, I couldn't be more thankful. God used that situation to teach me and prepare my heart for something more. I kept grappling the whole time with a whole host of things. I spent the better part of a year questioning my worth not only in relationships but in general. I grappled with certain parts of my self-confidance in the eyes of males and of males in a romantic way. Not to mention, the entire experience of dating Eric really made me face core issues and values that I not only want but NEED in a relationship. It was a whole dating scenario centered around turmoil and selfishness but one that really did prepare my heart for something bigger and better.

There has been someone who has pursued me for a long while, being patient and understanding through trying to pursue me but also respect my wishes that I was dating someone else and would remain faithful until I knew what was between Eric and I was done. In fact, I almost lost my opportunities with this person, as was displayed around mid-April on a very intense ride at 2am. His name is Britton.

Unknowingly, when I met Britton, God was opening a door. He placed this amazing person in my life, who I didn't even see coming nor was looking for. Obviously my mind was elsewhere and my heart was all over the damn place.

With Britton, things have been so....real....since we first started getting to know each other. Guiltily I added him on facebook and gave him my number after Eric and I broke up the first time hoping he would call me to hang out with all of them so I could still be around Eric and understand what was going on. I didn't expect anything more than someone who might call me to hang out and I would "casually" bump into Eric out of nowhere. HA! Girls intentions versus what God is preparing someone for.

Well late one night I was up, restless as was usual for me at that time, and Britton started chatting with me on facebook. He asked the usual "hey how are you?" questions, asking what I did. I told him I worked with special needs preschoolers which led to conversations about kids. Somehow we got into a very intense conversation in which we discussed Christianity, finding out we're both Christians and from there a conversation revolving about how we both don't believe in divorce and the priorities one should have including God, kids, relationship to a spouse, etc. All things given, I wasn't expecting it but felt so comfortable talking to him. And it was nice to go beyond the superficial level which was what Eric and I stayed at. But Britton knew about Eric and I.

We chatted on facebook a couple more times, meeting up once to hang out and watch Little Nemo. I'm not quite sure how but I kept quoting Little Nemo as we were watching it in class and next thing I know I'm over at his house trying to find a working dvd player to watch this ridiculous movie. It didn't happen so we stayed up all night just talking....talking and talking and talking....with some very light but very intense topics. Death, cancer, kids, divorce, God, the future, hopes, dreams, relationships, etc. It was natural and easy and real. It felt good to have a friend that I could finally talk to about all this, who agreed with me on some very personal core values, and who looked me in the eye. It was easy to laugh around him, his laugh being contagious, and when we talked I could see his passion and zest for what he was saying.

I'm passionate. We know how much I LOVE seeing other people be passionate, even if I don't agree.

He opened up about his past, about his daughter (yes he has a daughter who is turning 4 in a few short days), about his shortcomings, and his mindset.

And things just continued from there. We got really close really quick.

And I think both of us knew that something was there. We talked about it. But we talked about how until Eric and I were done and I knew what was going on and my feelings for someone else were gone, that Britton and I had to remain friends. Around January is where that all changed. We spent one night hanging out and a couple people referred to me as his girlfriend, just based on us laughing and being around each other. It was then that I told Britton I need some space. That none of this was right or fair to all parties involved.

So he did. Until Diana and Cam moved back to Colorado and he asked me to come to her benefit auction. And I did.

I spent it mostly sitting by myself in a corner taking it in, listening to Cam and Diana while Britton and his family sat on the other side of the auditorium. God had been working in my heart and He used that night as a time to put a hunger for more righteous paths in my heart. Little birdies in my mind started coming to the forefront of my mind and heart. I started craving a better relationship with God. I started craving a better relationship with my family. I started craving a better romantic relationship. And I started to remember why I feel so blessed and so loved and so lucky all the time. God put a million reminders in my life, a million cravings, and then Diana started talking about "Do Not Disturb" signs that she had placed on her heart, which made me face a ton of those in all facets of life, but also in terms of relationships.

Britton and I had a good talk a little bit after that. And somehow a few weeks later I got a call from him asking to come pick him up from downtown Denver for a sober ride. I did this a couple times. Then one night he called me and I drove down. He gave me a huge hug and then in the car on the way home he proceeded to ask me why I was still messing around with Eric (he knew the whole situation and about this time was tired of hearing my excuses and the same ol story over and over). Not expecting at 2am to be having a conversation like this, my defenses went up. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was being stupid. He looked at me and said something to the effect of "do you know how intense and passionate we would be together? do you realize how much i could love you? i'm not saying i'll be the healthiest relationship but i'll be healtheir for you than what you are putting yourself through right now". He told me he cared about me and then told me he was done. He was tired of waiting, tired of the bullshit. He told me that I needed to get my head on straight, that I needed to open my eyes. He told me that I was far better than that, that I deserved so much more, that I'm an amazing woman, that I was special and God had amazing plans for my life if I just stopped being afraid. Well at the end of that car ride home I threw the cigarette in his ear out the window (I've hassled him about quitting smoking since day 1) and he gave me a hug. He invited me to come in and talk and I pretty much just said hell no and drove away. The next day I wanted to talk. We opened up and I thanked him for being blunt and explained myself.

This whole time Eric and I were fizzling but I still wasn't over him. I was tired of being yanked around. But Eric pulled the chain without telling me. Which I'm glad he literally just stopped talking to me. Made it easier to deal with over that month and a half that he decided to make me a booty call once but never really contacted me. I have a tendency to get over things more quickly when I get mad and hot-headed which I did. And stubborn.

The day I found out for sure we weren't dating was the day I closed that part of my heart and decided to take a huge risk. I decided to talk to Britton. I told him I was finally done with Eric (of which he didn't believe because of the dozen or so times he'd heard it before) and asked him to go on a date.

And we've spent the last two months getting to know each other, taking risks, and honestly falling in love. Which wasn't hard to do. Quite easy actually. We've told each other we've loved each other for quite some time. He knows I think the most important words you can say to someone you care about are "I love you" and so we've said it since day one in a friendly way. And sometime end of May that friendly way turned serious. When we finally stopped holding back.

We still haven't had that date. We don't get to hang out much as he works ALL the time. But so far it's indescribable. We have the tough talks all the time...and trust me there are many. He needs to get a lot of his life straightened out. And we are very blunt and honest about it. We both know there are demons in our relationship closets and we are understanding of that towards each other. He knows I'm afraid of getting hurt and so all of this is scary to me. We both know how much of a commitment marriage is in our lives, neither one of us believing in divorce. We both believe relationships take lots of work and communication. However, how supportive we are of each other already has astounded me.

People say when you find that person you'll know. Well I denied it for a long time. But Britton is here for the long haul.

This isn't going to be easy. But it won't be hard. Britton and I have already started learning how to "dance" through life together. We've already learned that we can be so incredibly honest with each other, but do it with love.

This is a little crazy. My family loves him. That's never happened with anyone else. And Britton has a "dirtier" past than anyone else I've dated. But they love him. My dad of course having hesitancies as he's my father. And rightfully so with my crazy dating past. But even then I don't see him scrutinizing the way he has before. And Britton is crazy respectful of doing all this the right way and with my father's permission.

But something my mom said to me yesterday really struck me (and my mom hits the nail on the head EVERY single time about our friends or dating people....so much so it's scary): "I've never seen you light up and sparkle the way you do with Britton. I watched you two the other day just talking in the kitchen. I gotta feeling....and if what I'm feeling is correct, I better start looking for something to wear to your wedding."

Ok I wouldn't take it that far Mom, but I think her feeling might be correct....

We'll let God be the judge of that....because Britton and I are putting God first in this relationship...and well God does what he wants!!

Grams C

My Grams has been in town for the past two weeks. She's only here for a little over three weeks. And I haven't had much time to sit down and talk with her as our schedules haven't meshed up.

However, last night when I came home from babysitting, I got the chance to sit on the end of her bed like I used to do and catch up with her.

And it was bliss!!

My Grams is one of my best friends and one of the people I look up to most. I only hope that I can have the faith that she has one day.

But more than that, she has always been a steady rock of unconditional love, guidance, and an ear to talk to.

She's always been prepared to listen to me, talk to me, give me advice and send me away with a hug, kiss, and a bible verse or prayer.

It was so good to have her back and talk to her like that again! I just wish she would finally move here from West Virginia. I want her around to be with her family and grandkids and now great grandkids. I want to have her back here when I get married and start a family. I want her around for all that. I want to have her back when I need her and I know all of us kids and grandkids feel that way!!

I cherish the nights and talks I have with my Grams :-)

Me and my Grams two years ago

Blowing Kisses

My kiddos just always seem to make my day....it's the little things that keep me going and really help me to know that even though I think I'm just a simply by-stander in most people's lives that I sometimes make impacts.

I work with Ethan's family on Mon/Wed's. It's physically strenuous work on me. Not because it necessarily HAS to be. But my mindset is that for the six hours each day that I'm with him, he is able to get that one-on-one time that allows him to do the things that I can do on my own that he can't.

My outlook on life is that I have a healthy body. And as long as it's healthy I will use in any way that I can to help others. It's why God gave it to me in a healthy manner.

So therefore when I'm with Ethie, it's a lot of physical work. My body becomes his body in all senses so I do the work of two people...using my body for stability and support so that he can use his body as much as possible in ways he can't always do.

But through it all, there are little things that make my exhaustion at the end of the day, and constant backpain worthwhile.

Ethie has horse-riding therapy once a week and I help Annie to get him ready for it. The other day before they left out the door to go I was playing with Ethie getting him ready, telling him to have fun and have a great weekend because I wouldn't see him until Monday. We were playing pirates and he acted as though he didn't care what I was saying.

But as soon as his mom picked him up to take him out to the car and I got my purse he said "bye", waved to me, and then blew me a kiss....without me asking him to. (It's the cutest thing ever...he makes a popping noise with his lips and puts his hand to his mouth.)

And his mom turns to me and says "I hope you know you are the only one who gets kisses without asking, and kisses as you leave without you asking him to. Always right on cue. They are only for you!"

That small thing, my friends, is what life is all about. That small thing is how God shows me that at that exact moment in time, everything is perfect, and I am exactly where I need to be. I am helping the world in the exact little way He wanted me to. And I am obeying His plans for my life.

Life is great, no matter what happens, when at the end of the day, I get those little blow kisses!

Hiking Mt. Evans

So my adventurous spirit got the best of me this weekend. In a good way!

A long-lost friend Lee, whom was on the swim teams with me in high school but I haven't seen since we graduated, came back into town this week. We recently had started catching up via facebook and we had both talked about keeping active and things we wanted to do. So when he said he was coming in town, I thought balls to the wall and asked him if he wanted to do a 14er. He said yes. I said hell yes. And I made a plan :-)

I picked Mt. Evans for my first 14er. This was his third 14er. And it was wonderful! He wasn't afraid to go at my pace. We filled each other in about the past five years of our life. We laughed, joked, reminisced, took photos (he graduated with a degree in photography, it's merely a hobby of mine), hike, climbed, laughed, talked some more, and were victorious!

We hiked from Summit Lake up the Mt. Evans Trail that goes up along the ridge of Mt. Spaulding and crosses over to Mt. Evans. We ate lunch at the top of Mt. Evans and stopped to do some yoga on the way back on top of Mt. Spaulding. It was such a great way to spend my saturday. Very refreshing.

I've had a ton of people already contemplate me on the pictures I took on our hike. However, the thanks needs really to go to God. He painted the picture, I just captured His breath-taking beauty! God literally reminded me of this. "Be still and know that I am God."

As Lee and I talked, I was reminded over and over by God while staring at these beautiful sights that God has some amazing wonderous plans for my life. If He can so easily make these majestic mountains and these views of which words cannot express their power and beauty, well He can do some amazing things through and to me. It was great to meditate on some of these thoughts throughout the day. I loved it.

I'm excited for my next 14er!! My mom wants to try one and Jenni, my future sister-in-law, wants to hike one with as well...so I'm gonna choose an easy one for my mom to start with and we're going to make a girls day of it. And I asked my dad to go white water rafting with me...he said yes as long as I plan it!! So excited :-)

Here are some pictures from our adventure:

Lee and I on one of the ridges going up Mt. Spaulding


the view on one side of Mt. Spaulding as we were nearing the top


the view from the top of Mt. Spaulding in the morning


the view from the summit of Mt. Evans


another beautiful view from the top of Mt. Spaulding


what we climbed along all the way along Mt. Evans


standing at the summit of Mt. Evans


our view while we were doing yoga on Mt. Spaulding


warrior pose on top of Mt. Spaulding


the medallion at the top of Mt. Evans


*these photos are not in chronological order.

Busy-ness

Sometimes I loathe being so busy all the time. You know the busy-ness where you never have time to sit down and enjoy yourself and fully breathe?! Everything is always at a hare's pace.

But sometimes I really do love it. It keeps me occupied and out of trouble and it helps me to keep focused on things that distract me from other things I shouldn't be focused on.

I will say that right now it's a really great excuse to not focus on relationships or worrying about what the future has in store as I don't have much time to contemplate it. I have been working with Ethan out the wazoo, working for my parents to help them out, and babysitting like it's going out of style.

But what better ways to spend my time?! I have nothing else that I really have to do. I'm single, only working part-time with Ethan and my parents at-will, and I have no class deadlines or the like. So basically, it's better than doing nothing. But sometimes I miss those nights where I can just take time for myself. I haven't worked out in over a week because I've been too exhausted. When I get home, it's all I can do to make it into bed at the end of the night sometimes without crashing out while I'm doing things like changing into non-sweaty clothes or brushing my teeth.

But I think it's all part of God's plan right now. It's amazing how the distractions come when we really need them. I prayed for God to give me the strength to get through some hard things right now and He really did answer my prayer. He knows that I can't just sit idle and work through these sort of things. He knew I needed distraction over quite a bit of time and well voila I have it!! It has been a blessing. I'm glad that He chose this time to unindate me with tons of busy work and always being on the go. It's helped me to stay focused on what I need to and not on what is "bad" for me at the moment.

And well, he chose to keep me busy with something that brings happiness to my face and a feeling of being so blessed to my life. I couldn't ask for more. I get to be with my little Ethie and with my kiddos.

I mean really....I walked through the door today and Ethie knew it was me and got so excited!! He can say "nnnn" now for my name. That's pretty darn exciting!! And we went to the pool today, which was tons of fun. Two hours into our three hours at the pool, my back was killing me and he had choked on water pretty bad once as I was pushing the limits of having him go underwater....and when I asked after a little break if he wanted to go back in with me or go with mom, he chose me!! It was a small little thing but it completely made my day :-)

It's the little things in life that mean the most!

Girliness

Yesterday was a "girlie" day for me. I went to a baby shower and a wedding.

I realize I'm at that age where those are just facts of life. People just married and have kids starting in their young twenties...and we are all turning 23/24 now.

However, I'm not to that point yet in my life. I find it a bit awkward going to these functions and having the "life" conversations. Like talking about married life and decorating houses for 45 minutes at a baby shower has almost no appeal to me....not because I don't want it someday but simply because I'm not there yet and I can't relate to any of that.

And then at weddings, having people who I have known through the years ask me what I'm up to and what I am doing with my life. Well those answers aren't as easy as they seem. There's the easy answers: "just working with special needs kids currently, trying to get into nursing school, living at home where it's free...can't beat that!" but really I do so much more with my life and have so many plans. I'm just waiting for God to direct me. And He will. But how do you explain that to others?!

It was strange. I felt so awkward at both of these events, as though I'm an outsider looking in. But for the first time in my life, I started to crave these things. They won't happen anytime soon....but for the first time I caught a real glimpse that these things will happen for me sometime in my future. But I am in no rush for these events. I'd rather continue to be the outsider looking in, than to jump into these life events before ready.

I wonder if there's some part of my biological clock missing. Most other girls really want these things and dream about them and plan for them. Me, well I'd rather just go with the flow. Last night was the first time that it actually hit me that one day I'll be a wife and a mother. But I still have no need to get into that. Makes me wonder if part of my girliness is missing....

Oh well!!

I got to babysit Patrick and Duggan again tonight.

Patrick gave me the biggest hug and danced when I came in and was my shadow the ENTIRE night!!

When I put him to bed he threw his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and gave me the BIGGEST hug!!

It was exactly what I needed this evening :-)

It's funny how kids always know exactly what it is that will make your day....even when you don't.

"Have you ever seen the wonder in the eyes of a child? Or felt the way the room lights up with that tiny little smile? Witnessed their amazement at the simplest of things? That's God!"
[Jo Dee Messina - That's God]

Women & Books

There are just CERTAIN ways you know that you are a woman. Here is one trait that is inherently only a woman's:

I just got done reading a book....in which I cried for the last 50 pages which was equivalent to an hour.

I'm pretty positive guys not only don't do this, but don't read books that make them cry. And I know that what was making me cry would not make a guy cry.

There really are things that are very unique about being one gender or another. Today I was initiated into the woman's "bawling-over-the-end-of-a-book" club.

Thank You Lord!!

For this beautiful morning.

For wonderful friends.

For the many little blessings you put in our lives each day.

For family.

For the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

For food in my tummy, a roof over my head, and two functional legs.

For the ability to laugh and smile and communicate.

For loving us.

For forgiving us despite our many many shortcomings.

For Your grace.

For the birds who chirp outside my window at 4am.

For health and happiness.

For Your Son.

For the fears, desires, passions, and longings in my heart.

For knowing me inside and out and loving me despite the ugliness that is there.

For never leaving me nor giving up on me.

For everything....and by this, I mean everything I feel but can't put into words.

Thank you for this beautiful morning Lord. I truly am so blessed and thankful for everything You've blessed me with.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

God is so Good!

Diana Hummell, of whom I've shared about earlier, wrote this in her journal on caringbridge this evening and I wanted to share. It hit a very deep spot in my heart and I hope it does yours too.


God is so Good!

As the night falls on me and my bed is loudly beckoning my name...I just had to write and share with you a few things God has put on my heart. It's like those neon signs you see lighting up stores along the streets you drive and walk on. Even though they don't make a sound they scream at you!

Well, God's not screaming at me, or you. He just wants you to know how much He loves you. Yes, you, the one who got impatient with her kids today, the one that spoke words she/he shouldn't have to the one they love the most. The one that knew in heart she should've loved at lot deeper, been more positive, or picked up that dry cleaning even though it was out of her way. You. He loves you.
He's been calling you, beckoning you, woohing you to His side. Despite the wrong you did today, or yesterday, last week or 20 years ago. He Loves You. He couldn't love you any less, no matter what you've done in the past. And He couldn't love you any more no matter all the good you've done your whole life.
So, stop listening to the voice in your head that screams out, literally at times that you're not good enough. He made you perfect. He gave you your hair, your body shape, yes even your thighs, He made those too. And He planted in you the dreams you have in your heart today. He has equipped you with everything you need to accomplish His work in your life. But, some of you haven't taken Him up on His gift. You've looked across your life and think about all the why me's? You've questioned His existence and He's calling out to you. As you sit in your seat He's asking you to turn your life over to Him. I urge you to not let another moment go by without inviting Him to be in it.
I'm not perfect, quite far from it. But I've chosen to take Him up on His word, and look at the ways He has shown up! And it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. He loves you as much as He loves me. Oh and I hear some of you....you're saying, "yeah, but I'm not you, I could never do what you're talking about, who could possibly go through the garbage and still see the bed of roses above the stinky trash? I've been through to much and I carry all the loads of the years of regret behind me."
I couldn't agree with you more. You're right. We choose the road we want to take and some want to walk and whallow in the path marked V.I.C.T.I.M. I may be a bit harsh and hope you understand it's all in love. You are where you want to be. Others of you are battling for your life and walking in the path marked V.I.C.T.O.R.Y., even though there are hurdles. We are all exactly where we want to be. Here's the most amazing thing...you can change the path your on at any given moment. And God is right there to be found when you call on Him. Life without Him is empty with no purpose, oh but life with Him? Well, it's the most exciting ride you could ever be on! He loves you and He wants to show you just how much by taking you through this life hand in hand.
Love you so much and forever remaining in His grip!
~Diana

Bills

So for those of you that don't understand the power of a calendar, I'm about to explain it to you....

On the 31st (ish) of each month I get paid. I get paid once a month so this is in fact a VERY glorious day. YIPPEE!!!

On the 1st of the month I have to sit down and pay or establish online bill pay for all of my bills for the month before anything else. This is the most stressful day of the month for me. The second most stressful is the day I get my period and that's just because I then have to plan all my activities around good ol' Mother Nature and having feminine products available. With that being said, right now in my brain after paying all my bills, I only have $100 for the month. Let me repeat that, I have $100 for the month, including to spend on gas, until the next check that I make comes in....which will be when I work for my parents.

Ergo I just paid all my bills for the month. And I'm stressed once again. I'm making quite a bit of money this summer. Not as much as some people but enough that I decided to save up and buy a macbook pro. I budgeted enough that I feel I can afford this purchase. Of course at the expense of paying off my credit card as fast as I wanted to (I now have to split expenses between the two budgeted quantities). I just finished paying off the last of my "other" credit cards (ie express, gap, american eagle, etc) and now only have my Wells Fargo CC to focus on....wowzers...which has increased up to $1000 right now sitting on it. I know this isn't bad but it freaks me OUT!!

Of course I have a huge urge to go shopping but I'm really suppressing that urge. I did buy a cheap new top at Target today so hopefully that will quench my spending thirst for now! If not I still have a couple gift cards to various stores that I can go use...which I might have to. But I'm trying to make a very conscious effort to cut down my spending.

Now I just need to cut down driving all over the place as much as I do as my gas is costing me a small fortune.

For those of you out there that either mommy and daddy help pay your bills, a boyfriend helps support you, or you make more than $1000/month.....let's just say if I hear you bitching I might have to punch you in the face. This is the struggle I live with supporting myself off of a measly $700/month.

Oh yes that reminds me, I also want to try to work a few extra odd&end jobs in the next month so that I can afford to go on a mini-vacation at the end of July. Wonder if that will work out!! I hope so :-)