Passion

Passion.

That has been on my brain lately. I think that's a word that is ever lacking in our society....and when I see it, often I see it in a not-so-great light.

I am a VERY passionate person. I love life and love others to an extent that I literally feel as though my soul could just burst out of my body at any moment!! I can sit and admire a piece of art for hours, because it just moves me. A sports event can absolutely consume my life, to the point where others tell me "jeez it's just a game" because at that moment, the passion I have is too much.

I don't think most people understand this but I honestly love my friends. I love them! I love people. I love meeting new people. I love interacting with others, getting to know them. I love getting to know their imperfections, what makes them tick, what their opinions are, what pushes their buttons, what that one thing is in life that no matter what annoys them, what that one thing in life is that NO MATTER WHAT makes them smile (if even on the inside).

I have found one reason I love blogging so much is because I so pasisonately LOVE to follow the lives of others. I am a crappy friend sometimes. I am....really. I can't offer words to comfort someone to save my life. If you need a hug or a someone to hold your hand or give you a shoulder to cry on, I'm totally there. You need someone to offer you words of comfort....eh, not something I'm great at. I almost never answer my phone...not because I don't want to talk to people, but because I HATE talking on the phone. What kind of friend does that?! And let's admit it, I'm so busy I often neglect myself, so I know I can neglect others too. But I LOVE following the lives of my friends. I love to hear their thoughts, to "watch" their lives unfold, to hear their own passions and dreams. To anyone who reads this, I want to follow your life!! I love watching you blossom :)

But passion, in our society, is lacking. And it makes me sad. I feel so alive when I let my passions take over, when I let myself be passionate, about whatever it is I choose to be passionate about. It makes me happy, it makes me feel alive!! And when I see people being passionate about the wrong things, that just makes me sad :(

Be passionate about your family, about your God, about God's beautiful BEAUTIFUL creation. Feel the passion of the sun's kisses on your cheek in the spring, when the cherry blossoms are blooming and trees coming to life. Be passionate about that one hobby you have that makes you happy and benefits others. Be passionate about making others happy. Be passionate about interacting with others. Don't be passionate about making the most amount of money you can, especially at others expenses. Don't be passionate about your self-indulgent alcohol binges. Don't be passionate about something that isn't life fulfilling (which I guess can be left up to subjective opinion). Be passionate about this life, about what's around you, about others!! It's the best way to live, the best feeling in the world.

"Those who control their passions do so because their passions are weak enough to be controlled."
[William Blake]

Let yourself be passionate, let your passion take you places!!! It's amazing what it can achieve :)

Striptease please

Hahahaha ok so basically feeling sexy is one of those things that I ABSOLUTELY suck at but am so attracted to right now, it's not even funny.

One of my good friends Kelly gave me the Carmen Electra Aerobics Striptease video to borrow to try out so of course you know I'm gonna!! Let's just put it this way....it was absolutely hilarious as I'm sure the cat thought so too. But it was so much fun :) Definitely one of those things you should get a whole group of the girls together for and do just for shits and giggles and to have a great time!

With some not-so-great news....I had the worst headache yesterday and was having heart palpitationslast night....and it scared the holy crap out of me. I actually went to bed scared of not waking up this morning! I still have the traces of my headache but my heart palpitations are gone and I appreciate that immensely...I don't feel like I'm about to drop dead at any moment :)

I'm sitting here at work and let's put it this way....I'm getting antsy. I want a friend to call me up and hit a roadtrip or camping or snowboarding or snowshoeing or SOMETHING outdoors and full of adventure!! I haven't had one for going on two weeks now and it's utterly not fun :( I need to stop whining.

I also need to get back to ACTUALLY doing some work. Ick...making this spring schedule is turning out to be like ten times harder than I thought it was going to be. Boo to being a manager right now and having to schedule 20 people. Ok I'm done whining.

Carmen Electra Striptease....it's fun :)

Christmas

This holiday has been a lot better than Thanksgiving. I didn't get to go to Portland to visit Alyssa :( It was a combo between flights being booked and flights being cancelled to/from Portland due to all the snow they got there.

But I made do with getting to spend more time with my family. Just hanging out and having fun.

I took my brothers to go see Seven Pounds. For Christmas last year I gave them Christmas cards with an "I-owe-you dinner and a movie" type note inside each one and they decided to redeem them before the holidays. Hahaha. That movie is now one of my favorites. We all cried....and I do mean all of us. All three brothers and me were bawling....I think me so more than my brothers. But just the day before I had been bawling my eyes out watching Extreme Home Makeover so yeah. :) But the movie is about the ultimate sacrifice. Sacrificing one's life for those that you care about. You should go watch it.

My brothers are growing. We are all growing. Into our own individual selves. It's very cool to watch but makes me nostalgic for the past. I want to keep them my own brothers but I know it's not reality. When I think of them, a lot of times I think of them how they were. But it's beautiful to watch us all blossom. To sit around a table and have conversations about our likes/dislikes and what makes us who we are is amazing. The "sex" conversation is weird only from the aspect that it's weird to think we're all adults. But to have the "sex" conversation shows that we are all growing up and into our own. Just really cool to be able to acknowledge us as individuals but still have the sibling bond.

Christmas isn't what it normally was. I'm used to my grandparents, aunt/uncle/cousins and our family all being together for Christmas Eve and Christmas. My grandparents are in West Virginnie, family feuding kept my aunt/uncle/cousins away. My mom's brother Tim and his girlfriend came out and my mom's mom lives with us. Just wasn't what I was used to. We're not close to mom's side of the family in the slightest but you make due with the family you have.

Tim brought some of the best damn deer sausage I've ever had. He apparently got two deer on a hunting trip and brought back some sausage for us. Yum :) We had a pretty good dinner.....prime rib, asparagus, corn, baked potatoes, and salad. Then we also had dessert. BTS cake, hawaiian tort and chocolate pie. Not the norm but good :)

I've found I'm bored when I'm not going and doing something and being adventurous. And I'm more tired than normal. I'm sleeping in copious amounts...and not sure what to make of it. It's good to catch up on sleep but seriously, I need to get out and do something! I'm trying to track down my snowboarding pants. I got my coat for Christmas and some pretty decent gloves. So now just to find my pants and rent a board/boots and hit the mountain!! Or rent some snowshoes and go snowshoein with Alyssa :)

Alright well here's a few pics from Christmas....enjoy. More updates to come later once I'm not falling asleep.

Reflecting on Changes

I look back at the last semester of my life and I've realized I have grown tremedously as an individual and made some changes in my life that were for the better, some that were for the worst, and some that are still left to be judged.

I feel as though I have changed a lot in who I am but also at the same time changed very little. Some people would recognize who I am and some people wouldn't. Some people would think that I have changed for the worst and some would think I have changed for the better, it's all up to your judgment. All I know is for once in my life, I am confidant in who I am, in who I'm becoming, and I feel good about where I'm at in life.

The small hurricane that's normally in my heart is no longer there, instead a certain sense of calm and contentment has replaced it. I'm not saying I don't have my moments I don't doubt myself because I do, but I've learned that doubting myself is usually caused from an irrational fear or thought that doesn't need to be there and I've learned to not dwell on it. I've learned that I deserve the best because I'm an amazing woman and to settle for anything less is belittling myself.

Change number one: The biggest change in my life was breaking up with Scott. Looking back on it the road I took was probably not the nicest for him but for me I've reached a point that I know the whole thing was for the better. Breaking up with Scott was a long time in the coming. Our personalities were just too different and to a large extent I now realize I was allowing him to hold me back from the person I am on the inside. He didn't bring out the best in me. Instead his own doubts, lack of trust, jealousy, and his tendency to draw into himself only reflected onto me. I lost my edge, my spark, my spunk. I became doubtful, jealous, unable to trust. I was a huge torrent of emotion all the time and not in a good way. But not anymore.

Since breaking up, I am back to being my old self. Confidant, full of life, vibrant, not jealous, trusting (albeit maybe too much sometimes). I love life! And being with Scott I wasn't able to enjoy and love life while he was depending upon me for his happiness. I'm back to enjoying life, grabbing it by the hands and running full force ahead!! And I couldn't be happier. I've learned to find a confidance in myself. However those two years weren't for naught. They taught me a lot about myself, about who/what I don't want to be. It taught me how to have a confidance about myself that I don't think I would have otherwise....and how attractive that is to others and how important it is to have in a relationship.

Change number two: My relationship with God has become more personal, more my own. I no longer need my relationship to be what the church or my parents tell me. My relationship to God is all my own, within my heart, how it needs to be. And some may not view this as good as since then I have become really hesitant to be involved with the church or involved in a discipleship team of any sort right now. I need to foster my relationship with God on my own, let it blossom between us, unhinged by others. As well, I will openly admit that I feel really inhibited by the church right now.

I guess you could say right now I'm still trying to find myself and figuring out more about myself as an individual, something I've never done before. I've let others tell me who I am. I've suppressed parts of me because others thought they were wrong. Not anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm an individual with lots to offer the world and just because someone doesn't like it doesn't mean I need to suppress that part of myself. And right now I'm referring mainly to the impossible standard/mold my parents held me up to.

Change number three: I drink. Not to get drunk and be an idiot. Not the drunk that most people connotate the meaning to (as I believe drunk is from the first sip of alcohol). But I drink, I like to have a couple of drinks with the girls, enjoy the nights watching the game/movie with friends, having outrageous conversations over a couple beers. I enjoy being my age, going to the bars and having fun. My mom treats it like it's a mortal sin but I won't apologize for being me and having some fun, for once, being my age. I'm still responsible but I enjoy a couple drinks with the gals. And for those who are curious I've found out that when it comes to hard liquor I like whiskey. Hahaha.

Change number four: I love talking about sex. I love sex. I love absolutely everything about sex right now. This might be hard for someone to swallow. Especially with me being a Christian and the whole concept around Christianity and premarital sex. I'm not a virgin, and for that I can honestly say I'm glad. I have found that along with the church and my parents upbringing, sex in any form is taboo. Dating is a chore and absolute hastle, let alone adding in kissing and PDA with it. I feel that had I been a virgin, I would not have a healthy relationship with my husband. I have had to break down many barriers to be comfortable with my body, let alone the concept of sex. And it's taken having sex to do that. I don't sleep around; have had sex in two relationships and recently with another man outside of a relationship. It's funny how Christianity tells us our body is a temple, and that's what the church uses to tell us to not have sex premaritally. I've never been shown a passage that actually tells us not to have sex before marriage (please show me by all means if you know one for a fact). But the interesting part of it all is that sex in my relationships was more of a desecration to my body than having sex with the one person I have had sex with outside of a relationship. It wasn't forced or expected outside of the relationship, it happened, was something I wanted, and I was able to enjoy my body and sexuality. I wasn't able to do that in my relationships.

I've also found that my sexuality has blossomed since getting out of a relationship with Scott. I'm doing things that make me feel and look sexy. For heavens sake I bought a bra with inserts so that I feel more attractive with a full size A cup. I have spent hours talking to friends about sex and their experiences. Sex is one of my favorite topics right now to talk to others about. I'm curious, I want to learn, I want to know, I want to know that me being practically still a newbie to sex is ok and what to do to help my sexuality blossom. I know some of my more conservative friends don't agree with my choice in premarital sex. To each his own, I commend you for standing upon your ideals :) I do the same thing. But I am sexually active premaritally and it's not anything I have a problem with in the slightest.


Change number five: I'm still me :) Through it all I'm still stubborn, opinionated, full of life, full of love, full of adventure, full of a desire to explore the whole earth, full of a desire to photograph my life. I'm still lovable, still in love with God. I still carry around chapstick wherever I'm at, still love country and rock, am still the same clumsy woman I've always been. Despite everything, I'm still me. Just a different more uninhibited, accepting, worldly version of me. I still have so many goals and desires and ambitions.

Well I truly need to get to bed. I'm watching P.S. I love You.....I wish and hope a love like this is in my future. Maybe my dreams are a little too high on this one but it's the kind of unconditional love I could ever want. :)

Bras

So anyone who knows me knows that I have an extremely small chest....my assets on the bottom are more than abundant, my assets on top are more than lacking to put it lightly. My breasts are in between an A and AA cup. Up until junior year of high school the bras I owned came from the little girls section. I bought my first "real" bra from the women's section my junior year of high school and then my second one about my freshman year of college. Those are the two bras I currently wear. I own a bra from Victoria's Secret I bought in hopes of "growing into" that was a size A and I still don't fit into it.

Well basically let's just say my bras are reaching that point where not only am I bored of them and wanted more sophisticated bras, but they are getting a little old and worn out. So I made it my mission to get some new bras.

For those that aren't blessed with a lack of breasts, trying to find a bra that fits and fits well is sort of like the mission to find Atlantis. There is a small glimmer of hope but it's basically like Mission: Impossible.

Since Victoria's Secret was having a buy-one-get-one-half-off deal, I decided to go actually spend some time and search for a friggin bra. And guess what?! I found one that is comfortable, that fits, and I can actually have the option to choose what color I want!!! So therefore I got four of them :)

And I just happened to get one of the Intimissi bras....for those that are familiar with Victoria's Secret.....and they have this little pocket in them. You can buy these little inserts that basically help people like me to have a more rounded look to their chest, so I bought them. And no my boobs do not look huge or fake but a little more rounded and full. I obviously still wear an A bra but now I feel a little more confidant sitting here in a bra that is more adult, completely comfortable and not from the little girls section or a "barely there" bra.

It's amazing how sexy a great bra can make you feel :) Even for those of us that basically have no boobs.

Ballet and Verb

This weekend has been so crazy and long....but in a good way. A good way to kick off the break I suppose.

After Thursday night's adventure at The Vault with friends, I woke up friday morning not hung over, not with a headache, not sick to my stomach, but sick with almost no voice! I seriously sound like a guy right now I'm so hoarse!! And completely tired, not because of the alcohol but because my body is finally registering the sheer exhaustion it's been ignoring.

I came down to Brighton to go to see The Nutcracker at the Colorado Ballet with my aunt, Tori, Lisa, Sara and Sara's mom. It was great!!! However I didn't eat anything that day and had a whiskey sour at the little bar in the operahouse before the show.....and the first act was definitely a little whoozy to follow. However, the second act was ABSOLUTELY spectacular after intermission. It was a great night out with the gals. My mom and grams didn't come, due to the family fighting, which is why Sara and her mom came but right now I'm sort of glad. The tension between my aunt and mom would have ruined a beautiful ballet. Here is my aunt and I at the ballet. I wanted a pic of all the gals but unfortunately it never happened.

Then yesterday my aunt, uncle and I went christmas shopping. By the time I had woken up, no one in my family was there so I simply made plans to go with my aunt. It was great to just relax, and look around, and spend some time with parts of my family that aren't hostile towards me. So far since I've been home my mom barely talks to me and actually spent the first little bit glaring at me. I really don't know what to do about my parents anymore. I don't think they will ever see me for the adult and individual I am. They want me to always be only their daughter and live my life the way they want me to. They may not be proud of me but the least they could do is love and support me which to date they have done, but all the while so reminded me how burdensome it is to do so and how wrong they think I am. I'm not always going to live my life up to their expectations. I'm my own individual living my own life in my own time in my own set of experiences. I honestly don't think they will understand that.

But I won't apologize for who I am. I'm very content with the amazing mature woman I am becoming. I am comfortable for the most part in my own skin for the first time. I am young and having fun and living freely but I'm also living smart. I might make stupid mistakes but those aren't any reason to think I'm not capable of being an adult and making the right decisions for me. My mom has made it clearly known how low she thinks of me, how what's best for my heart/mind/soul and what makes me happy are always the wrong decision, and how to her I will never have enough experience or knowledge of life to ever be right in her eyes. It's frustrating. Really frustrating.

I love my parents and I respect them. But at the same time I also do not respect a lot about them and how they treat me. I don't have to. That's my perrogative as an adult. Some of their actions are just downright petty and immature. But I can't say that. They are never wrong.

Anywho it was nice to be out with family who do show that support and love to me. They provide constructive criticism, give me the respect of explaining why they disagree with me and tell me when they do in fact disagree with me. But they don't tell me how to live my life. Instead they guide and treat me as an adult. I respect that so much more.

I spent the night at Vrbas' last night. It was good to get to cuddle up with someone and kiss someone. Someone who's a third party who isn't a part of the chaos. Right now Vrbas and I are just being. We are not in a relationship, not dating, but we are a tad closer than friends (considering I always stay the night over at his house). I don't feel any pressure with him, any pressure to rush or label what we are. I'm comfortable and confidant with myself around him and I like that. He also doesn't play any bullshit. He tells me how he sees it and doesn't like nonsense. I like that! Thus far he is a guys' guy, a gentleman, a firefighter with a soft side, confidant in himself, has an amazing smile, and is absolutely the best kisser. This morning I was in absolute bliss. His pup Bud curled up in the crook of my arm around 5:30am and was cuddled up right next to my neck, then around 7:30am Vrbas rolled over and cuddled up with me too wrapping his arms my waist. So I was stuck cuddled up between the cutest little dog and a pretty amazing man. It felt very natural and comfortable and right for this moment in time.

I'm very curious and excited to see what will become of my friendship with Vrbas.

And for those who are interested in knowing what Vrbas and Bud look like, this is them. Adorable....both of them :)

Today we had the Christmas play at church. All I have to say is our church is excellent at not planning and coordinating things. This was the worst put-together skit/play of any sort I have ever seen. That may seem mean but it's completely true. One thing I really don't like about going to church is having to feel like I have to be what they think I should be. I get that same pressure from my parents a lot and I don't like it. As though if I'm not being the exact Christian they think I should be that I'm a horrible person and don't have a relationship with God. I do, it's for once my own relationship with God, personal between us. But I don't feel that I need to go out and build churches and never date and jump when my parents say "jump" to be a Christian, let alone a "good Christian". Anywho, hilarious play only because we couldn't understand a single word, breaks in between scenes were complete chaos and I couldn't follow the plotline.

Anywho, I am in desperate need of a new camera. I'm going to go search the price of several cameras right now. Circuit City is closing like half of their stores so I'm going to see if I can find a good deal on one :)

See you on the flip side!

The Vault

Gotta meet the hotties with the million dollar bodies :)

Last night we went out to celebrate the end of finals and a month off. We started off the night at Stakeout but then headed to The Vault. We had a night of fun and laughing. It was epic :)

T Minus 1

Last final in 30 minutes!!!

Zumba

So during this stressful time of finals, I have found my escape.....ZUMBA!!!! Alyssa teaches it and though I honestly am not very good at moving my hips in the slightest, it's fun and it makes you feel sexy....ok it makes you feel sexy when you're not flopping around trying to figure out which foot is right or left BUT once you get the hang of it, it's a blast :)

Unfortunately, or in my case fortunately, I have no pictures of me flopping. But that just means you'll have to find a gym near you that offers it to try it out!

Anywho, one final down and three to go. I should probably be worried as I'm not really studying. But I'm not. I care but I don't. I'm worried but I'm not.

I know this is from the song Sober by Pink which is actually mildly depressing and different but I like this lyric "I'm safe up high. Nothing can touch me!" :)

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Totally the Season for Finals

It's FRIGID outside. Walking five minutes to my car turned me into a human popsicle to the max!!! Luckily I'm back inside now warming up and successfully procrastinating homework. Isn't that what we do best though as college students?!?! Hahahaha I really should be doing some hardcore studying right now but I spent three hours at Kell bell's house studying exercise testing instrumentation that now I really just don't want to do anymore.

So I'm looking up housing and jobs in Denver for when I move back that way this summer. Oh my gosh, stress level just increased by a TON!!! I need a much better job and I totally need to get into nursing school and get it done so I can be making the big bucks!!!

Ok I'm going to keep being productive....whether it's studying or nursing school related.

Here's a pic of my ridiculously rad socks that are keeping my toes warm at the moment....don't be jealous ;)

This Is How I Want To Be Loved

She tucks her Paul Mitchell hair under her John Deere cap
Hides Victoria's Secret under those jeans
She's honest as heaven, she's got a body to match
When they talk about perfect, she's what they mean

She's my kind of woman
She shines like the moment the sun hits the rain
When she smiles, yeah it's somethin'
Loves bigger than life
Shes my kind of woman

She's a slice of the country, she's Fifth Avenue
She loves Jesus and sinners like me
She's got the key to my soul wrapped around her finger
She's a weekend in Vegas, seven nights a week

She's my kind of woman
She shines like the moment the sun hits the rain
When she smiles, yeah it's somethin'
Loves bigger than life
Shes my kind of woman

She's reckless, she's safe
The angel God saved for my life
Theres a million reasons why

She's my kind of woman
She shines like the moment the sun hits the rain
When she smiles, yeah it's somethin'
Loves bigger than life
Shes my kind of woman
She shines like the moment the sun hits the rain
When she smiles, man it's somethin'
Loves bigger than life
Shes my kind of woman
My kind of woman

[My Kind of Woman by Craig Morgan]

Recycle and Ride Your Bicycle

Today we had to clean our apartment in a frenzy as our landlord was showing our apartment to some promising tennants for next year. In the midst of that we are avid recyclers around here....ok let me rephrase that. I'm a huge recycler who has motivated Shel and Britt to do so, mainly because it's easy to pile it up but I will actually take it to be recycled.

So needless to say with our busy schedules, I have let the recycling pile up on the wayside. I HAD to take it today. No choice, as it was but a moutain taking over our kitchen. Here is the extent of our recycling, it fille up my entire backseat. I do this monthly by the way!!

I haven't been riding my bike recently due to the frigid weather in the mornings but plan to start again as soon as I get my mountain bike back up to Fort Collins. I don't think riding my road bike would be the most safe thing ever as there is not much traction between the ice/snow and tire. But we are also into cycling or riding the bus rather than riding solo in our cars if at all possible. Also we're too poor to waste more gas than needed.

I'd encourage you all to conserve all energy and goods as much as possible. Recycle, reuse, renew. Carpool. Ride your bike. Conserve your heat, water and gas.

Which reminds me, we are also trying this new saving water technique. It's interesting. I'm also trying to only shower every other day. We'll see how that works out. Call me a hippie if you want. Hahahaha

Mr. Vrbas

Hahaha well things with Vrbas are interesting. We have only gone on one date but hung out three times now. He has the cutest dog, Bud, that now loves to cuddle up with me. Rather I think he loves attention and when Vrbas and I aren't giving it to him for long enough he'll come jump up on our laps. Or he'll come hop up right in the middle of us as if to say "Hey you two, stop paying attention to each other and pay attention to me."

This morning he sent me a text saying " (Smiley face) thanks for coming" and saying that we need to go on a date sometime soon. He then went on to say that he likes me a little, just a little...hahahaha. We have a joke that I'm in his top 20 kissers, apparently I got bumped up to top 18...lol. YES!!! I'm 18 :)

Anywho, it was fun getting to hang out with him last night and get to know him better. He's definitely a cutie and definitely a sweetie. It will be interesting to see where things head.

I know that in his last relationship he got pretty burned, he knows I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and we are both kinda dancing around how we get to know each other without getting too involved as we are both kind of protected. It is nice though to get his huge hugs when I get to his place and when I leave. I love big hugs :)

Mr. Vrbas, I like you a little.

Spilling

Today was just another crazy day....pulling things together last minute, rushing around, deadlines to meet, presentations to finish, etc.

But the interesting stuff happens in between that all. Lately my mood has been on an ever-increasing high. I'm not quite sure why other than I really believe God is placing a very weird strength of character in my heart, a strength that's being tapped into that I didn't even know existed.

The family situation is still unresolved, I have no idea what will happen. I know that ultimately it comes down to the fact that our family stays pretty well glued despite the words, the fights, the stubborn personalities that clash. Yes there are times that it's hard to be in my family, there are times that my family hurts me in ways that no one else can, and there are times I really wish we were more like other families. But my family is the way it is, it's not gonna change, I can't change families and though there are times I really wish I could, I wouldn't trade them. God chose my family for me to be a part of because we are crucial in some way to each other's lives, we provide a support and love no one else can, though we can also provide a destructive nature no one else can bring. It's all a balance, an act of faith constantly on our part that our love is stronger than the devil that keeps attacking our relationships.

Vrbas hit that sore spot today. It hurts to hear but it's honest and real and I appreciate that his concern was real and frank. Just still sucks to hear from a third party, unbiased perspective.

A common theme in my life is the importance of genunity, trust, communication and honesty. You can tell me the most horrible thing to my face and I can bear it if you are honest, I really can. I can handle any situation if there is trust. I can bear any words as long as you are communicating with me. And I can respect you through it all if you are genuine.

I think my positive energy is flowing to others. Others are picking up on it. Friends are seeing a sparkle back in me. People want to be around me!!! I've had so many friends tell me how glad they are to see me and WANT to see me, how much they enjoy being around me. I've had friends lift me up and have real, honest, genuine, no barriers conversations with me.

Tami and I went shopping and enjoyed ourselves the other night!! We were able to be ourselves, free of responsibilites or ties to anyone else, to answer to a man in our lives, free of jealousy, full of comfort and honesty and friendship!!

We were able to celebrate our friendship, become closer, be two radiant young women. And it showed!! Our attitudes and personalities are showing to the world, and they are attractive and alluring!! We got a guys number that night. I've been given two more guys numbers this week and asked out on one date and caught up with another long lost friend whose last text was that he owed me for my friendship, though I haven't seen him in two years.

To be free, to be beautiful, to be celebrated, to be held in a positive and uplifting light....and to give it back to others has been SOO amazing!!! Alyssa's smile has always radiated others to her, I have found that key!! It's her inward beauty shining through and so is mine :)

The greatest thing is it's God working in my life, through me and through others to make this possible. My heart won't always feel this way, this full. I will continue to have my trials and times of being down, I know this. But God always ALWAYS brings me through, through prayer and putting people in my life when they need to be to help me out. And guess what, I'm used as an instrument in that way too.

Here are a few things I have learned the past few days: I am a strong, positive, sexy, alluring, radiant, beautiful, bull-headed woman of God. I am a great friend, even though I'm not always THE greatest. I am an amazing woman with many wonderful attributes to give to the world. The funny thing is that I see ALL these qualities in other people ALL the time and right now I can finally see them in myself!!

So what if Vrbas is not picking up on how amazing I am and showing the interest back in me? So what if my family currently doesn't exactly want to have much to do with me? So what if I have nonexistant boobs that make me appear as though I'm twelve? So what if I have this newly formed nasty habit of dropping the f-bomb fairly regularly? It doesn't mean I'm any less than anyone else!!!

Ok, so before I keep going on and on, I NEED to get to bed. I have a presentation in the morning...but this is a pick of me tonight working on my presentation for the six hours I spent in the library. I had my hoodie, my bright pink earbuds and was rockin out!! Yeah it's a little goofy but that's who I am :)

P.S. I REALLY want a new digital camera because I love documenting my life in pictures and taking pics and I can't do that when I have a really crappy camera :( Soon, hopefully, I will get myself a good camera!!!

Bowling APhiO

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity."

[Proverbs 17:17]

Today was a busy day but tonight I went to the last meeting of the year with Alpha Phi Omega. We held elections for the offices up for next semester then afterwards some of us went bowling. It was such a great time :) We bowled, had some healthy competition, laughed.

They are my brothers, for life.

Forever in leadership, fellowship, and service.

Mercedes Benz

Tonight I went to our regional Arbonne christmas party. God Bless my Arbonne women....they are by far the most A-MAZ-ING women ever!!! I love them all to pieces.

Anywho, god bless Kari. She had her/our Mercedes Benz dealer there with the C class car to test drive and Kari just got a new E class and was allowing people to drive it. OH LA LA LA!!! It was ABSOLUTELY amazing!! I can't wait to drive this little car!!

It's such a smooth ride, it's everything someone could want. I want the convertible though, the sportsy convertible. One day I'll get there....and I'll make it look HOTT!! hahahaha

Anywho, as you can see from the picture, I dressed up in a new sweater dress I got. It make me feel sexy, attractive and a little wild. It was a little out of my normal comfort zone. I wore some gold ballet flats with it. Oh la la!! Just wish I had someone to show it off to!!

It was a great night though, dressing up and feeling sexy, driving a sexy Benz, laughing with great women, and enjoying myself.

Vrbas, where are ya when I need someone to come and show off my dress to huh?!

A Hectic Morning

List of things that happened this morning:

1. Started my period
2. Angered the ex
3. Had to have my car towed
4. Got called into work for an event
5. Got ready in 35 mins, a new record for me!
6. Messed up a credit transaction
7. Slipped on the ice

What an adventurous morning!!

I was planning on sleeping in, meeting Alyssa to work on our last case presentation, and then enjoy a lazy few hours before the Christmas party tonight. I guess I'll just enjoy an hour or two and get there a little later than normal. Oh well.

Another crazy busy day I completely wasn't expecting.

Tow

Today has been a day of interesting and mundane events one after the other. My car didn't start last night when I went to work on my group project. I spent ten minutes or so scrapping at least seven inches of snow off my car only to discover that it didn't start. At first I thought it was the battery but upon checking the headlights, they worked. I thought "eh" I'll figure it out in the morning. At 8:00pm standing in 10-degree weather, it's a tad chilly! Well today Tami came and tried to jumpstart me. Yeah even with being plugged into another battery....nothing, zip, zada, zilch. It won't even begin to turn over. Nothing. Absolute silence straight across the board.

So now I have to have the damn thing towed, looked at, labor done, probably parts replaced, etc, etc, etc. Get it fixed. Until then, I'm pimping the Reflections minivan :)

So yes, I got a case study and presentation COMPLETELY done, heck yes!!

Then this evening Tami and I went shopping!! We went to Forever 21 which is quickly becoming one of my most favorite stores. We both bought sweater dresses :) And we both got a fun sweater to wear....she got a black one and a teal one with a tan termnal. I got a red warm vest with a tan thermal to go under it. So on a high from our purchases, we go to eat. We have this wonderful beautiful dinner, just chatting away. At the end of the night, we actually got a guys number! One of the waiters came up to us at the end of the meal and said if you ever would be interested in a good meal, it's on me....discretely slid a piece of paper onto our table and walked away. Now you have to understand....this was a NICE restaurant. It just made our day that much more fun and interesting!!

It was so nice though. Tami and I were sitting there, chatting, enjoying our time. It was just so grown-up-ish that it blew me away. To realize how far I've come, where I'm at, and that it's ok to be where I am. For the second time in my life, I ordered an alcoholic drink while out in public. That's still so weird to me!! We paid for our own meal, shared a delicious dessert and were two young beautiful, confidant, radiant women enjoying our time together.

Anywho, now I'm back at home. Sore as ever. The inflammation in my back still hasn't gone down at all. The pain is worse than ever. Man it stinks.

Man I wish could go visit Vrbas and Bud. They are up in the mountains though. No bueno.

Alright, I'm off to bed. I need some sleep for once!!

Oops!

HAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bobby spilled the beans.....all over the place!!!!!

I guess you'd have to be here to appreciate it.

I am quite proud of myself. My ETI project was finished last night, we finished the presentation today and will present next Thursday. I finished my Life Cycle paper and presentation and we present tomorrow morning.

I am finishing my Community Nutr paper tonight and it will be handed in on Tuesday.

I finished my renal case study for MNT and turn it in tomorrow. Now all I have left is to do the Parkinson's with Dysphagia case study and present that next Tuesday. Almost done, everything is almost done!!

Then finals. And this semester will be over :) But agh, not looking forward to studying for them. I AM looking forward to selling back my books and getting some major moolah for them :) I didn't even use them, not one, not at all, this semester. Biggest waste of $$$. They better be worth beaucoup bucks.

Oh and one more employee evaluation tomorrow. Things are GETTING DONE!!!

I was reading a friend's blog post today. She is involved in campus ministry with The Navigators team in Colorado Springs. Her and her husband have an amazing admirable faith, a faith that seems so vast and deep compared to my own.

I'm not an exemplary Christian. Fellowship, evangelism, discipleship. None of which I'm good at. I don't pray as often as I know I should to keep my relationship strong with God. I can always tell when I let that relationship go by the way side. It's so easy to do in our culture. I feel the exact same way with people. When I rekindle our friendship it's amazing, but when I lose touch I lose base with what that friend stands for and why I fall in love with them as a person. Same with God. It's so easy to forget why I love Him but when I just put some effort in, it's blessed and beautiful. One day I'll learn to keep it alive and full and happy. That's when I'm complete, when I feel my best. I could use that now. My faith is strong and deep, don't get me wrong. I just don't always run to Jesus, I have a tendency to pull into myself when things get hard. Like now.

I haven't picked up my bible for about three weeks now. Isn't that horrible?! That's how He talks to me and I talk to Him via prayer. So in essence he picks up the phone all the time, but I never do. Also funny how that is in real life too. I hate talking on the phone, I almost never answer it unless I know I need to or know who's calling. But that's not how relationships work. They take time, fostering, loving care, and attention.

Anyway, it was so uplifting to read the blog. She helped lead a girl to Christ :) One of the things I love to say the most is "welcome to the family".....it's just about the most wonderful thing you can say to anyone on this earth.

Earlier in class we were talking about The Okinawa, which is basically that Okinawa, Japan has by far the highest population of centurions (people who live for 100+ years). We were talking about all the influences as to why this is. I've been to Okinawa, it was beautiful, majestic, peaceful, spiritual. But markedly one of the things I took from there and will hold with me is the tranquility.

I'm sort of a naturally stressed person. My natural tendency is to stress and/or worry. I can go on vacation and still find something to worry about, even if it's just wondering what's going to happen in my future. I have my times where I'm nothing but a huge stress ball, and then I have my times where I am so completely relaxed and happy-go-lucky and laid-back that people know life is good and full of hope. But with Okinawa, there is such a deep peace, a beautiful tranquility to their culture that it resonates through people.

I think one of the biggest contributers to premature death (other than nutrition) is stress. American culture is stressful, there is absolutely nothing relaxing about it. There's pressure to be the best, to make something of yourself, to live up to expectations, to do as much as possible, to keep up with the rest. We get to busy we neglect ourselves, we don't take time to take of ourselves, let alone each other. This is a fundamental difference between our culture and theirs. And it leads to such a HUGE reduction in stress. Stress is hard on the body, in any form. It wears down the muscles, speeds up reactions that for every reaction slowly destroys the body in numerous ways, and ultimately wears down the spirit.

I got one of several group projects down. It's was a research project for my Exercise Testing Instrumentation class. We designed a research study in which there was one control subject and a few other subjects that ingested differing forms of protein. Kelly ingested a free amino acid supplement, Britt my roommate ingested a powdered vegetable protein drink, and I ingested a powder whey protein drink. We measured changes in lean muscle mass, fat mass, bone mineral content and overall body mass with DEXA's. Tomorrow the overall written project is due. Basically it was a miniature version of a scientific journal article. If you don't know what a journal article is go to http://www.scholar.google.com/ and type in a subject that interests you and up will pop links to journal articles. Click on one and see it's format. THAT's what we did. It was crazy. And working with a group is never fun, especially when they don't pull their weight. It took us four hours to finish this stupid thing tonight but we got it done. Just have to finish the powerpoint presentation and we're good to go.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting with another group to wrap up a project and finish our last paper. It's for Community Nutrition in which we had to do a service learning project. In this project we were assigned in groups to work with an agency in the community and while working with them, we had to establish a nutrition related need, design and implement an intervention, and now we are working on evaluating the intervention. Our agency was the Northern Colorado AIDS Project. Because of the nature of the disease, we can't work directly with the clients who utilize NCAP's services, so designing an intervention without interacting with any of them was hard and interesting to do. What we ended up doing was creating a single pamphlet that summarized the drug-diet interactions of the most commonly perscribed HIV/AIDS meds and then another pamphlet that was a nutritional guide on how to alleviate the symptoms brought on by these medications and ways to optimize their health via diet. That one will be done tomorrow night.

Then Kelly, Heather and I have a presentation friday morning in which we are talking about bulimarexia: it's background/history, nutritional implications, and prevalence in society. Also what characterizes bulimarexia. I got the idea of this from Intervention. Yeah I know, don't make fun. But there was this girl who binged and purged but when she binged she didn't actually eat the food, she "chewed and spit." Which means she's not ingesting any calories. Like 150 calories in a day!!! That's not even enough for the brain to run on without muscle wasting!! But in our Nutrition in the Life Cycle class she wanted us to broach subjects that haven't been touched. Eating disorders were sort of covered but not bulimarexia. Oddly enough no research has been done on it since the 80's so yeah.

Last project to work on is Alyssa and I's case study presentation we just got yesterday and have to present on Tuesday. It's Parkinson's with Dysphagia. For our Medical Nutrition Therapy. But not only do we have to know what the disease is, but we have to know how it's treated medically, how to read so many different charts, interpret lab values and then percribe the right individual nutrition therapy based upon everything. Good lord, that's going to be a blast working on this weekend :)

Oh and I have to finish my renal disease case study. Shoot I should not forget that. I finished the entire case study other than developing a one-day diet that meets all the perscribed dietary guidelines. Ok, my gripe is meeting the potassium and calorie needs without overdoing the potassium which yes needs to be replaced but is found in low calorie foods and too much potassium can lead to abnormal heart function and possibly heart failure. This stuff is freaking hard!!!

Anywho, I just had to get all of that out somewhere. I'm basically rambling and spilling right now.

Here's a little pic of me I snapped today while in the bathroom at school to send to a friend. Enjoy :)

P.S. Winter is finally upon us, to my disdain of the frigid cold. It's snowing outside, beautiful fluffy white snow. Guess I'll just have to enjoy it and hit the mountains after finals. I can't wait to hop on a board again after so many years and continue learning how to board. But man, it makes for a chilly walk to/from class :)

Stopping This Negativity

So I feel that my negativity has been at a bar that is a little too high the last couple of days. It's just and deserved but it's hard to be so poopy all the time. I know I should be dealing with all the events that have happened in a better manner but in all honesty I don't have the time, strength, energy or comprehension to start facing the problems with my family that need to be dealt with. So rather I ignore what's there and try to play catch-up and sprint towards the finish line of this semester.

I will deal with these problems eventually but I won't do it until I'm in the right frame of mind, able to comprehend my thoughts and the situation, and handle it properly.

I have sort of pushed a lot of people and emotions to the back burner and I apologize. It's what I have to do right now. I can't function any other way. I'm just on overload right now.

My nerves finally caught up to the severity of the situation today. I had a full-blown anxiety attack in class this morning. My body temp spiked, my body started shaking from the inside out, my heart rate sky-rocketed to around 190 while I was sitting in the middle of class, and I got dizzy. The effects have lingered all today and made me sort of out of it.

My scoliosis is having a flare. I have been loading up on the ibprofen no matter how much I do not like to ever take drugs of any sort. The pain is unbearable and the inflammation won't go away until I treat it. I also have my herbal massage gel with me at all times to act as my heat/ice regime since I don't have the time to do it right now. I've been doing the back exercises at night and we'll see if they start working.

I'm happy I got to meet Tina this past weekend :) It's always nice to get to finally meet a person you've been friends with for awhile. I know that at first we didn't start off on good terms and she sort of always intimidated me but Tina is Tina. She's sweet, she's opinionated, she's driven, and she adores life and has a good head on her shoulders. She demands decency and respect but she's a great person behind it all. And I got to see that going out there. Hopefully I'll get to go out sometime again here soon.





School has been chaotic this week. Between getting to Colorado late and starting off behind, I have been playing catch-up with everything. I have been working on group projects, papers, case studies every night and will until friday night. I have been doing employee evaluations and man oh man those take so much time!! It's been good for me to talk to the employees and get ideas on how to implement positive changes but it's time consuming to say the least when in between classes you meet with 18 people for a half-hour each. I think I still have five more to go. Something like that.

One thing I've figured out in the past month or so. My small boobs really make me self-conscious. There's nothing wrong with having small boobs. Kate Hudson, Kate Bosworth, Debra Messing among others make it sexy to have small boobs. However, I can't help but feel a lack of sexiness from not having boobs. Boobs are a mark of womanhood, a symbol of sexiness, and something that makes the identity of a woman. I feel like I'm missing that. Not having boobs is sort of relative to the identity crisis a male would have if he didn't have a penis. It makes me doubt the attraction others can have to me, the beauty I can possess as a woman. In a way, it makes me want to talk to breast cancer survivors who have mastectomies and start a dialogue on what makes the identity of a woman. I mean let's admit it, boobs (and I'm not talking big boobs, just boobs in general) are what every girl looks forward to having, what a man is attracted to, what marks one of the unique physical identies of women. There's not too many men that don't have a maxim/playboy/esquire magazine, a pin-up calendar, or something of the like in which it displays a sexy female who always has some form of supple breasts, they can be size B's to size DD's. However, it makes me feel quite self-conscience when my boobs are AA's. That's tiny, non-existant practically. Just something I figured out that has made me doubt my sexiness, attractiveness as a woman.

Alright, as much as I would love to talk about the more important things in life ;) I have to meet another one of my groups to work on our final group paper due tomorrow. I'll update more later I'm sure.

Catch ya on the flip side

A whole train wreck of shit

I apologize as I'm a little tipsy in the making of this post as well as extremely exhausted. I didn't get home last night until 4am and didn't get very good sleep or very much sleep for that matter, even with skipping work/classes this morning.

So the first part of fall break went pretty well. I got to visit with family, enjoy my time, we were all getting along pretty well.....as well as I've ever gotten along with my parents.

However, when I go home I'm not treated like an adult. My parents still treat me as though I'm in high school and try to keep that control over my life, I am not treated with the respect that adults are, my opinion is still regarded as that of a child, and I still have a curfew. Having a relationship while living with my parents is incredibly hard.....especially at this point in my life where I enjoy spending nights with someone cuddling, kissing and snuggling. It can't happen in my family and well I'm used to living my life how I live my life.

With that being said I started making plans to move in with my aunt. In which case it's more like living with roommates as I do now. I still pull my own weight around the house but without the constraints of curfews and being treated as an inferior.

During Thanksgiving dinner we were talking about living plans and I announced my intentions to move in with my aunt over the summer since I'm moving back to the Denver area to apply for school and if that doesn't work, get a job at a hospital.

Next thing I know my mom is glaring at me, slamming doors, won't talk to anyone. My parents won't talk to my aunt or grams, people leave, I'm left wondering how things are gonna turn out.

My parents proceed to cream me, much in the same manner they have since I was in high school. In high school, we had hella huge fights, in which I was never good enough, never was responsible/adult enough, always a screw up. During my sophomore year of college, my parents informed me in the middle of a dispute that I was the worst thing to have them and they would have been better off had I not been born. Then Thanksgiving night, I was told I've been an inconvenience for 21 years, that I'm not even close to being an adult and being mature, not able to handle myself in the real world, out of my mind, and was basically kicked out.

I spent the night at a friends house, then spent friday with my aunt/grams before flying out to Cali to visit Tina.

Thursday and Friday night was so insane. Sort of felt out of bodyish. I have felt like I don't belong, that who I am is inherently wrong, even more so now than ever. So confused as to if I'm really that horrendous of a person/daughter. So many thoughts and insecurities flooding back into my head that I thought I had finally gotten ahold of and semi dealt with.

Friday night I learned via text from my aunt that my dad had laid into my aunt and grams. Completely unacceptable. I'm being blamed for tearing the family apart. The only problem was this was all in the making, I just put the straw on the camel's back apparently. I have no idea what will happen from here on out.

Christmas won't be what it's supposed to be....divided family, a barage of crap basically. My parents hate me. Everyone says that a parents love runs deep. My parents told me that my decision was unforgivable. I'm getting to the point where the words that continually come out of their mouth are unforgivable.....becoming harder and harder to ignore and get past. When I keep hearing them over and over and over. I find it harder to believe my parents really love me as much as they say they do. If they did how can they continually hurt me so much. I'm accused of hurting them because of this decision, because I'm independent. Being told you aren't wanted, are an inconvenience and a mistake is not something that is easily forgotten, not in the slightest.

So many thoughts.

I haven't talked to my parents. Don't think I want to. I don't know what to say to them.

I also found out that my brothers got caught and arrested for shoplifting on friday when I was flying out. Fucking morons. How can they be so stupid? Just another problem to add to the table.

I feel for my parents, I do. I know how hard things are, how financially unstable. I've tried to take the burden off of them on my part. But it's never enough. Even the stress of knowing financially I'm a huge burden, even though I'm not really a burden on them, has been more than I can handle. My parents say I don't know what sacrifice is. Funny thing is that they don't know what sacrifices I make on a daily basis. They don't see the weeks I go eating one meal a day when money gets tight or the like. They don't see when I have to sit there and weigh weather I should spend my money on this or that and what the consequences will be later on in about a month or so. They don't see, they don't care.

Anyway, I'm tipsy, about to pass out because I'm so exhausted. Just want to sleep.

So many thoughts, so much pain, not enough time, not sure what to do.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving sucked. Second worst day of my life.

Great night

I had a great night last night :)

Went to Denver...hung out with some new friends....it was great!

Saw Role Models.....friggin hilarious to the max. Watch it. Love it. Laugh.

Man, I can't believe break is already half over....it's so jampacked already!! I'm so tired though. Wanna go home and take a nap but I can't because I'm at work. Doing nothing more than messing around and doing homework JUST so I can get the hours and the $$$.

I wanna go cuddle :) With my new cuddle Bud-dy....hahahaha. Bud is a puppy. Get it cuddle Bud-dy. Alright yes I know lame joke. Onward!!

Cali here in I come in just a few days. Tina Beana...watch out!! hahaha

Ok seriously, I need to get SOMETHING accomplished. Apparently it's going to be my renal case study for Medical Nutrition Therapy. Well at least I hope I can get it done anyway. I DO have six hours to work on the damn thing.

Man oh man. So many feelings, no energy and not wanting to write it all out. AHHH!!! I'm in a good mood though.

Whoop di do.

Oh yes if you get the chance to play rockband there is this song called Bounce by The Cab that is pretty rad to play on the guitar...try it. It's great. Listen to the song. It's great.

Perspectives

Another day, another week in the life.

WOW it's been a busy week for me. But fall break is upon us and I couldn't be more thankful :) It's just a nice little time to relax and have stress at only like 90% instead of the usual 170% or so.

In Nutrition in the Life Cycle this morning we watched a movie about aging and it's effects on society and the psychological effects. As well, as how it affects us as far as chronic disease, keeping functions optimized and so forth. Some people die early in life for all the obvious reasons: accidents, cancer, chronic disease, etc. Some people die later in life for the same reasons or natural reasons but can happen in either of two ways: one in which the person lives an independent life and one in which the person lives a dependent life. Whether that be upon people, machines, medications, accessories, etc.

We live longer and longer with each passing generation (minus biblical times) which in essence is a good thing. We no longer die prematurely due to epidemics, well for the most part. We have the capabilities to address these premature deaths and can prolong life. But at what cost?

For those that live well into their 70's, 80's, 90's and beyond with mental cognition and physical ability, it's a great life. Life can be fulfilling, rewarding, and they don't have the added stress of financial and emotional burden placed upon themselves, family members and other members of society. However for those that lose their mental or physical abilities in any way, it can have a devastating effect. Costing lots of turmoil either emotionally or financially or both upon themselves and others, it's something we need to be aware of.

We are at the threshold of the aging of the baby boomers. In a few years, 20% of our population will be geriatric. That's approximately 70 million people ages 60+. Along with this comes all the problems of aging: vision, hearing, reaction times, ability to speak, mental cognition and function, bodily functions, Alzheimer's, dementia, Parkinson's among a great many other things.

Along with this, more and more families are met with the hardships of broken home, distances in geographics between the elderly and younger generations, and more families having less children (which often times take on the task of helping their parents/grandparents age while in turn raising kids/grandkids). They are called the sandwich generation and it's taking away from their own lives, both in overall health, lifetime expectancy as well as the toll it has on their life at this moment in time.

It makes me realize how precious family is, how important the little things are in life and helps me to remember what really IS important in life. I need this reality check a lot it seems.

But it makes me wonder what challenges I will face as I grow older in life. Will I make decisions that will make my life fuller, longer, and allow me to live with function into my old age? Will I die happy knowing I did what was best? What was right?! So many unknowns, so many concerns.

It's made me realize how much I do care about Scott. We have been spending some time together and he's very important to me, I care about him. Always have. I never thought I would be "that girl" that loves someone but doesn't want to be in a relationship with them despite my feelings. I just have so much going on I possibly can't. I know relationships shouldn't be much added on but for me they are. With where I'm at in life, with so many decisions that need to be made but can't based upon one decision that won't be made for months is crazy. It's stressful. I have no idea where my life is taken me and this one decision I have to wait for will decide the next couple years of my life and it's scary.

With Scott, things are natural but there's still always that distance which is hard and takes a lot of work, a lot of work I just feel I can't take on right now. But watching that video makes me wonder am I putting my life into perspective into life the right way? We have limited time. Am I wasting away something that would make my life so much better than I ever expected?

I know I need to grow. There's a lot on the inside I need to work on. So many things that need to be addressed internally. So many thoughts that need to be dealt with. I just keep asking myself, am I focusing on the wrong things? Am I keeping life in perspective?

When Scott unofficially proposed to me after Betty's death I had the right perspective. It was life is short, life is wonderful and life is meant to have love. I had that. And now life and my head and my heart are sending so many messages to me right now, I wonder.

Oh wow, so many thoughts. So much confusion. So much life. So little time. So much to think about. So much love to give. So much love I want. So many things that need to be worked on. So many things that need to be experienced. So many desires. So many things that need to be enjoyed. So many things.

Gas troubles?

Oh yes, I forgot.

Right now gas is below $2.00 again....finally!!!

However I found out today from my mom that some of America is upset with Obama. Of course I asked why. And she told me that he may become one of the first president's in history to overturn executive order of the previous presidency. I didn't know this was possible first of all but I guess it is one of his powers. But it is taboo. It's never heard of. Those who take office just don't do it.

I guess though that Obama might overturn some sort of bill that approved domestic drilling of oil. Apparently Obama thinks we need to relieve our dependence on oil (I agree) but to do this by not allowing domestic drilling and making us turn to only foreign oil is absolutely stupid. I WILL be pissed to no end if I have to pay $4.00/gallon again. Mainly because I CAN NOT afford it. I just can't. I make $8.36/hr. Do you know how hard that is to pay ALL of your bills and still have some left over?! Yeah I can't afford any one of my bills to cost too much more per month. Especially since I do enjoy driving home and visiting my family that lives an hour away.

Finding this out makes me nervous. Is it really true what they say that when Democratic policy goes into place, that those who don't have jobs get "paid" really well while those who work their asses off struggle to get by?!

I wonder if just like everyone else, Obama will be getting hell when he leaves office. Which will be interesting considering that America is "standing behind" him and his change is supposed to bring great things.

Alright honestly I'm really off to bed this time :)

It's a Great Day To Be Alive :)

It has been a really great day!! I don't know why but today was just great.

The opera was really good :) I couldn't understand a lot of what was being said when the woman were singing due to the high pitches of their voices mixed with the high pitches of the music. But it was still good. It was called Street Scene, was based in the early 1900's when the middle of the city consisted of all sorts of immigrants: Germans, Italians, Irish, etc. It happened over two days and was about an assortment of tennants and the heat, along with a passionate love affair that ends in the death of the affairees and the breaking up of a family. Craziness!!! First opera = success.

I'm going to go see the Nutcracker ballet!!! I asked my aunt if she wanted to go with me as I've never seen it and really wanna and the Colorado Ballet is supposed to be absolutely wonderful. It turned into a family affair for us women so now myself, my aunt, my mom, my grams, lisa and my aunt's friend are all gonna go. Yippee!!

I got to wear my new scarf :) It's bright orange. My dad made fun of me today. Called me scarf girl. Called me a psuedo hippie. Haha. I guess I could see it. Jeans with long sleeves and a dress over it all with two scarves and wearing two huge rings, not having had a shower. Add in some pot and some tree hugging and I wouldn't be pseudo anymore.

Speaking of which, I think I'm one of the only college students that hasn't ever tried pot. Seriously. Alyssa cracks me up. The amount of wild child that's in her. She's my inspiration of learning to just totally enjoy life and loosen up. Now if only I could dance and move my hips like her. I'd be set. ZUMBA!!

I heart passion. It's so great to see people who have passion, even if it's not the same passion I would have.

I got to see my grams today. She flew in from West Virginia on Thursday and she's here for three weeks this winter over Thanksgiving time. She goes back the saturday after Thanksgiving. My grandpa didn't come out, thankfully. I don't care to be around a man that picks fights with everyone all the time and also makes it painfully obvious he doesn't care to be around his family. But I love grams. And I get to spend some time with her. Bubba Gump. We watched Forrest Gump this evening. Good times. Dinner with the fam seriously gets funny, with all of us kids under one roof. The mix of myself, Marshall, Kevo and Reece is nothing short of an arguing circus sometimes. I love them boys. Oh man, I don't want them kissing girls though. It's tough to let them grow up. But kissing girls, I still see them as my brothers who ran through fields with me back in the day, and they didn't kiss girls back then!! hahaha

Oh heating blanket, how I love thee. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Have a long day of studying ahead. Medical Nutrition Therapy, thou will be the death of me.

Opera mania

Tonight I'm going to the opera here at the University Center for the Arts on the CSU campus. It's going to be great :) I've never been to an opera. I'm trying to find someone to go to the Colorado Ballet performance of The Nutcracker. I love the Nutcracker music and love ballet and have never seen it so I wanna go!! Too bad the tickets are so expensive. Marc said she'd go with me so hopefully she really will :)

Every time I think I'll have a fairly decent slow week I'm slammed with tons of homework or studying every night. I can't even remember what I've done every day, just know that I've been busy. Ha ha ha.

Medically I'm concerned. I can't get good sleep for the life of me. I go to bed exhausted, wake up exhausted, am borderline narcoleptic right now, my neck and back are in constant pain. On a scale of 1-10 right now it averages 7. Sometimes it's around a 9 or so. I can't hold my back up or neck up too long without "resting" it somehow whether that be sitting against a wall for my back or propping my head on my hand to rest my neck. My body CRAVES how "effortless" it is to lay down with a pillow in between my legs and a pillow under my neck. I don't think that's normal!! Not to mention, I have headaches every night with the sheer exhaustion all the time. I think my thyroid has incredibly slowed down again. Seriously, I feel like that, plus stress might be huge contributing factors.

"Listen to the music of the moment."

Listening to Jason Mraz on pandora.com right now.

Do you ever wonder you could step into the past?! I really do a lot of times. I wish I could go back and watch my life in third person view, I wish I could go back and meet my parents when they were younger. I wish I could go back in time and experience cultures that fascinate me. Like the Victorian age, the Egyptians, the Romans.

I have the huge yearning to travel right now. I would love to go spend every last dime on a plane ticket and an SLR and travel to Europe, starting in England/Ireland and winding up in Italy, taking pictures to my heart's desire and learning to be free. Man oh man if only I really had the guts to do that. Unfortunately I don't.

I have so much in my head right now but none of it I want to say and honestly not a lot of it I can portray in words. Just know I'm working through a lot of things, trying to enjoy the moment though it's increasingly becoming hard to do in the environment of my life, and that I'm working on becoming a better person, trying to discover who I truly am and accept that.

Yeah for the opera tonight. Street Scene. Here we go.

Veterans Day.....for those who have served

Thank a Veteran for your freedom. Their sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Traveling Photography

If you would like to know why I

A) have a passion for photography,
B) want to travel the world,

check out this website:

www.betterphoto.com

Go to the "Photos" then "By Subject" then "Travel"....you'll see :)

Amazing photos from around the world by EXCELLENT photographers....seriously, this is beautiful work.

The Geese Are Back In Town

First: the smell of fireplaces is officially in the air as I walked home today. I've been denying the approach of winter far too long with our pleasantly warm days and flip-flop wearing habits. I can no longer be in denial with the frigid weather we had today and the flurries that fell (much to my disapproval) earlier this evening. Shel fired up our fireplace though. She is sitting in front of it as we speak working on her physics.

Two: the geese are back in town. Gone are the days of not having to watch your feet to dodge goose poo on the sidewalks and grass. Here are the days of slamming on my brakes during rush hour driving down College Avenue to allow a bundle of geese to waddle across the road as I lament for the 180 seconds spent waiting for said geese to cross. As long as I don't have one quacking outside my window at 5:30am like the first semester I was here living in the University Apartments, I am A-ok.

Third: I have become so into fashion lately it's grotesque. I might give into the Ugg boot craze. I don't like Uggs. Ok well I will get the knock-offs, because let's admit it I can't afford to spend that much money on shoes. But I can no longer deny their functionality with the lack of actual shoes and/or shoes made of a material that can withstand snow/sludge/wetness. They are warm, they will keep my feet dry. I hate it when my socks get wet and even more when the back of my jeans get wet and it just slowly creeps up throughout the day as I walk to-from class. We'll see.

I love scarves. Great Christmas present idea for me ;) Let's clarify, not winter scarves. I like the bright colored, fun, wear any-time-of-year scarves. I have a green one and a zebra print one and I love them :) I ordered one from forever21.com and a new jacket and am STOKED about their arrival. Discounts baby :)

I also love bracelet bangles. Fun funky earrings. Mix-match prints. Layering. Jackets. Vests. Rings. Seriously my obsession with fashion lately has become quasi ridiculous.

More than anything, I'm trying to decide what to do with my hair. I love my hair, it looks nice, but I've had more or less the same 'do for.....well almost all my life now. Hayley Williams, front runner of Paramore, is my inspiration. I might get my hair cut short into the contemporary bob and get a color (I'm thinking more golden on top with purple on bottom or something crazy like that....) or just get a color in which case I would want a mix of golden, orange and red streaks all over. Think Hayley orange....yeap that's right!!!

Four: I have had the worst tummy ache all weekend. I feel like my tummy has so much pressure. It makes sitting, walking, standing, laying down, everything miserable. I wish it would stop.

Overall I'm worried about my health. I'm going to a doctor about my spine on the 24th but I'm also going to them about my constant exhaustion. I go to bed utterly exhausted, I wake up utterly exhausted with my first thought being "When do I get to go to bed". I don't really do THAT much to be exhausted by, I have a lot of stress but I don't feel like it's enough to do that, I get adequate amounts of sleep. For instance, I fall asleep in the blink of an eye, never used to do that before. Today in class I was paying attention and in the middle of the sentence I literally just conked out for fifteen minutes. I don't think that's normal or healthy.

Five: I went to the student Dance Concert a couple weeks ago. It was amazing. Now we have the opera this friday. I'm excited :) I've heard nothing but great things and I'm excited. The show is called "Street Scene".

Six: For those that are Intervention junkies like me, you need to watch episode 68. Craziest of all crazies!! This woman gets high off computer dust remover. She goes through about ten bottles a day; the high kicks in right after inhalation and lasts about five minutes. Seriously, she's a freak. Watch it....you won't be disappointed :)

Alright, I need to study renal disease for Medical Nutrition Therapy, do some studying on Bulimia Anorexia for Nutrition in the Life Cycle and get some work done :)

Looking Through Differences

Man oh man, I love my roommates :) Britt and her boyfriend Eamonn are in the shower together....hahaha and I love how they are open enough to do that.

You have to picture the scene though. Britt, my liberal "let's change the world and make a difference", punk-rock and chick flick loving, penguin obsessed, pro story telling roommate. Eamonn her Irish punk-rock boyfriend who only has half a jaw (due to cancer earlier in life) and bright orange hair with his normal dark blue shorts, random t-shirt and socks to his knees. They are seriously one of the most disgustingly oddly cute couples I have ever met. They go together all too well. I think it's because they are not afraid to be who they are to the core. They have days where they whine, bicker, etc but still they go about their way kissing/hugging/loving/laughing.

They make me sick. Ha ha ha.

Seriously though, I've had judgmental roommates, those who think they are better than the other, who disagree and can't get past those disagreements. Britt, Shelly and I disagree on a lot of issues. For instance Britt and I both have completely opposite stances on race and social justice issues. Not necessarily different stances persay but where we are at and the approaches we take concerning those issues. Shelly and Britt both disagreed with Amendment 48 (the definition of a person) where as I agreed with Amendment 48. I'm a Christian, Shelly is too, Britt isn't. But it doesn't matter.

However we can openly disagree and be who we are. They have no problem with Scott and I hanging out here though they know we aren't together and don't question or talk down to me. Britt and Eamonn take showers and have sweet sweet sex and I couldn't care less. Britt and I have had many talks where she knows I'm not going to agree with what she says and vice versa but we know we can openly talk about these issues, issues where a lot of people just get too charged and can't get past the disagreements.

With a recent set of events that came up concerning my work and race, Britt was the first one I went to about this issue. Basically I'm being set up to be accused of being racist (though I'm not) but because I'm white and how I handled a situation, a very charged black employee who took offense at something not even close to being related to race coupled with my comments of me not finding the propaganda offensive has me set up to being accused of being racist. I asked Britt for her honest answer and she gave it to me.

I really appreciate that. I really do.

Ok anyway, on to the rest of my lazy day. I'm being laziest of lazy.....basically doing nothing but studying for the rest of the day.

Lentil soup

It's always the "mundane" things in life that usually seem to bring the most pleasure. And I love that.

Last night I took the night off of everything I should have been doing and drove to Boulder to visit with one of my Arbonne uplines but she's more than that, she's a dear friend. Her name is Jenn and she has a young family. Her daughter is three and her son is five. She is one of the most amazing, caring and giving women you will ever meet :)

But I went over to catch up with her and talk a little business and just have a night with a friend.

She made this amazing lentil soup. Delicioso!!! (puts fingers to mouth and kisses them in very Italian manner).

I've had a stomach ache due to the built up gases produced by the beans but what can you expect when you down two huge bowls of it?!?!

Absolutely amazing.

It's the simple things in life that matter.

Another Obama rant

So I totally forgot to post this in my last blog, and I just remembered it and felt like getting it out. There are a lot of big issues on the agenda that I was really concerned with: among health care, agriculture and their stances on marriage/abortion. Just a few things that are very important to me.

I was looking at Obama's voting record and I looked even farther into it and for the past four years, he has consistently and repeatedly not voted or voted no on any legislation that would seek to help out small-scale and family farmers (in other words, any non-corporation farm). This is a problem to me. The way our agricultural system is set up, it basically makes it impossible on regular farmers to make an income without going into financial debt or feel a heavy financial burden. The suicide rate of non-corporate farmers has quadrupled in the past twenty years.

This is a problem for us. Not only is it cutting out jobs and hiking up the price on our food, but it's leading to less biodiversity in our food system, higher food costs for a markedly less healthful food product and a market in which only a few corporations hold the fate of global hunger in their hands.

It really concerns me that he has not voted the past two years on the farm bill and voted no on legislation to adopt government sponsored farm insurance policies (which non-corporate farmers definitely need) and legislation that would grant subsidies to small/part-time farmers.

For those that don't know, subsidies are basically where the government gives money/supplemental help to farmers who grow certain crops....of which right now are corn and soybeans. However, you have to grow a certain amount before you get this subsidy. As it stands right now, your local farmers/smaller scale farmers who are already struggling do not get any governmental help if they are growing anything other than that. Farmers have increased land set aside to these two crops, cutting back on more healthful and environmental friendly crops that help to sustain the earth and produce a higher yield of crops. Also if you didn't know, these crops are not what we consider biodiverse. Instead of harvesting the most healthful or more seasonal strains, corporations have cut down the number of strains of so many crops to the one that suits their needs first and foremost.

There used to be hundreds of strains of potatoes. Now only a few dominant strains are grown, the first and foremost being russet potatoes. Are these the most healthful?! Are they the most nutrient dense?! Provide what our body needs?! Nope, instead they are the strain that makes the best french fries. Funny how that works huh?!

The strain of the most widely harvested lettuce......iceberg. Know what's ironic?! Our bodies do not digest it and it severely lacks in nutrients as compared to say red-leaf or romaine. But it "looks the best" and withstands transportation times better. Yet it does nothing for us!! I dare you to eat a lot of iceberg lettuce for about two weeks in a row and start paying attention to your poop. You will find you are literally pooping pieces of whole lettuce in your feces. Your body doesn't digest it!!!

Anyway back to my original point. Along with these subsidies being denied to part-time farmers, it only perpetuates the success of a few huge corporations who make a living off of one unhealthy, environmentally unsound monoculture that is wasting away the top-layer of our soil.

The fact that he hasn't voted on these bills shows he cares NOTHING about first our food system, what it's doing to the global food market, how sustainble it is, and it's effects on our environment.

So not cool with me. I haven't had a change to dissect his stances on healthcare yet but I can already assume from agriculture, marriage and abortion stances that I won't be happy with it.

Obama: doing nothing to solve global hunger, our nation's food/agriculture system, and pooping on our environment.